I give our room another nervous once-over with my eyes; trying to find anything to take my mind off of what I was planning. He has kitchen duty assigned tonight so I knew he was going to take a while; that didn't make waiting any easier. Through the window I can already see the moon high in the sky bleaching the dirt floors of the cave and despite the cold breeze blowing through I still feel my forehead beading with sweat. I all but jump out of my skin as I hear the screen slide across and Jared slumps too the floor in mock exhaustion. His thick limbs sprawling out all over the place and try as I might I can't stop myself from admiring the taut muscles.
"They worked me so hard tonight; Ian's still out on a raid so I had to lug all those crates of supplies on my own." Everything I've planned ahead so meticulously now seems so real he's here in front of me, talking too me. "I'm sorry if you stayed up to wait for me; you shudda gone to sleep I'd have understood." He offers up a small smile. His smiles have changed since we came here; they aren't nearly as dazzling as when we were still living with my sister, although they're enough to set my chest alight and this one is no exception. I have to clamp my mouth shut top prevent the inevitable moan crawling up my throat.
"I don't mind I needed to talk too you anyway." My voice cracks a little and sounds far too thick; like I'm about to cry. Perhaps I am.
As he hears my choked reply his smile melts into a look of concern. "What's wrong kiddo?"
There it is again, my nickname. It makes me feel so horribly naive and young when he uses it. At first I got a kick from it simply because he was referring to me with a term of endearment but I soon grew to hate the word. It's come to symbolise everything that stands in my way 'I'm just a young kid. Melanie's kid brother. Nothing more.'
"I'm not sure really how to explain it." I trail off and curse myself at how weak I sound. Jared always told me to be strong and I was failing him. I look up again to see he's shifted sitting cross-legged in front of me. His brow furrowing now.
"Hey c'mon you know you can tell me anything; we're best friends." Yeah that's kinda the problem. I run a hand through my hair and take another shuddery breath. I know telling him this won't change anything. He'll want to stay as painfully platonic as ever and most likely will drift even further away now he knows how I feel. But staying as we are, playing 'happy families' is not an option. I don't see him as the older brother he tries so hard to be; I see him as so much more. At the thought I feel my eyes sting and a few tears trickle down my cheeks.
Seeing my shameful tears he sighs a little, "Is it about your sister?" That cinches it. The floodgates open and along with the tears of pity and self-loathing new ones of anger and resentment take their place.
"Not everything is about her!" My voice is much louder than I intend. Jared's face is one of shock and confusion at what seemed to him an un-provoked outburst. Little does he know how conflicted I was seeing her with him having to watch them together and even when she died having to see him grieve everyday at the loss of my sister 'the most beautiful woman on the planet.'
"Jamie I don't understand?" He sounds hurt at the venom in my voice but I'm too emotional to care.
"No! You never do! Right from the start I've been making it so obvious! But you still don't get it! I tried being your little brother and your friend but that's not enough for me!" I sob a little regaining my breath; not even bothering to see how he's looking at me. Probably a mix of sheer confusion and anger. I guess that's why when I feel those muscular, warm arms around me I'm left literally breathless.
"Jamie, please I don't know what you're talking about but . . . try and explain." I feel another wretching sob in my throat but it's one of guilt not rage. If he'd shouted back it would have made things so much easier. Why does he have to be so perfect? I whimper softly tugging at his hair lightly in a hug and savoring the scent and the feel of his hard body pressing so closely against mine.
I turn and rotate in his arms so that my mouth is positioned directly too his ear. "I'm sorry for shouting." Even if I wasn't so close to his ear I could have only mustered a whisper. I feel so frightened and drained after my childish fit it's the most I can manage.
"Hey it's ok I know your upset about-"
"And I'm sorry I'm not my sister." He turns too me now looking at me with those dark, heartwarming eyes now filling with doubt.
"Jamie, I don't-"
"I know you'd much rather be holding her right now rather than me. You wish I was some parasite's host and you could be here with her." I know I'm being unfair but everythng about my life has been unfair for the last four months.
"Jamie don't say stuff like that you know I wouldn't tra-"
"And I'm sorry I'm in love with you."