Rabid Wolves
The
screaming fans have finally gotten to them.
Matt sighed and began deleting all but one email off his hard drive. Two thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine of the three thousand emails were from his adoring fans. A majority were wedding proposals, invitations to proms, invitations to play at someone's birthday party or bar mitzvah, one from a guy who was in Nicki's art class who wanted to buy his soul, the usual junk. The other one was from Lia, reading:
"Matt,
Why
didn't you tell me you named the band? I heard it from a reviewer first, then I
had to go through my tape again so I could hear it come out of Terry Bradshaw's
big mouth. 'Young Wolves,' LOL. Just answer me this: Did the Los Luchadores
come up with it or what? That seriously sounds tainted with the spandex of Lobo
Fuerte and his Luchadores. Call me, kay?
*hugs & kisses* Lia."
Matt promptly began replying.
"Lia,
Frankly,
I didn't know about the band name until afterwards. Sorry. And I'm really sorry
they used that lame clip AGAIN. I was told we'd get five minutes and a shot
with Britney Spears and the sock on her arm, LOL. As for the Luchadores deal, I
have a feeling Nimoy had his filthy mitts in there as well. One of these days
I'll take a flaming guitar to his head and Lobo Fuerte too. Talk to ya soon!
*MANY hugs & kisses* Matt."
Just
as he was logging off the phone rang. Matt nearly tripped over…something (I
almost wrote coffee table, but they have no couch!) as he went to pick up the
phone.
"Hey this is Matt! Yes, I'm dating someone, yes, I
was on TRL, and no I don't know Britney Spears personally."
"Matty, baby, sweetheart!" the caller cried. Matt
nearly dropped the phone.
"Mr. Buchholz!"
"Hey there, kiddo!" Yes, it was Bob Buchholz, the
other American Writer from Hell. "Jeff and I had a great idea. What if we managed
your band? Huh?"
"NO!"
"I know, you probably need some time to think it
over but…"
"Never! I'd rather make out with Archnemon than
let you be my manager!"
Buchholz can be heard muttering, "Note to self,
call Toei with idea for plot twist. Involves Ishida and spider."
~*~
Buchholz
hung up the phone and sighed in defeat. He trudged into the office and sighed
again, loud enough for Nimoy to hear.
"Well, Bob?"
"He didn't buy it, Jeff."
"That's not good, Bob."
"I know, Jeff. What are we going to do, Jeff?"
"I have a plan, Bob."
"Really, Jeff?"
"Yes, Bob. I hacked into Matt's Internet account
and was reading his email, Bob."
"How did you do that, Jeff?"
"When you threaten to withhold Ken's pay for a
month you get anything, Bob. Anyway, Bob, I was reading his email and I came
across one from a girl, Bob."
"So, Jeff? He gets tons of emails from girls,
Jeff."
"But this is his girlfriend, Bob."
"Who is it, Jeff? Mimi or Sora, Jeff?"
"Neither, Bob."
"Do you mean to tell me, Jeff?"
"Yes, Bob. He's dating a nonexistent Digidestined,
Bob."
"Really, Jeff?"
"And what's worse, Bob, she's an author. At
fanfiction.net Bob."
"I think I've heard of
her, Jeff. I think I read something of hers online, Jeff. She's called Lia,
Jeff. And she's a rebel, Jeff. She thinks outside the box, Jeff."
"We can't have that, Bob."
"I know we can't, Jeff. What should we do, Jeff?"
"I say we pay a visit to some good friends of
ours, Bob. They'll get Matt to cooperate, Bob."
"Because we'll have the girl, right, Jeff?"
"Of course, Bob."
~*~
Matt and his band members, whom I have given the inexplicit names Irving, Oscar, and Melville, were trying to fend off the screaming fans with kendo sticks borrowed from (or mugged off of) Cody as they attempted to rehearse. Just then the chime of someone's cell phone interrupted. Everyone (about two hundred plus fans and the four guys) stopped and checked their phone. It was Matt's.
"Hey this is Matt. Can you leave a voice mail?"
"Buenos dias, Señor Ishida. We have your little
niña and unless you agree to give up your band before mañana you can kiss your
little niña adios. You might want to do what I say, unless you are plum loco.
Adios, Señor."
A/N: Spanish students, do not smack me! Although I am a Latin speaker myself, I did that with poor Spanish on purpose. You'll see why later...or in five seconds.
"Who was that?" Melville
asked. Matt narrowed his eyes.
"I'm leaving early,
guys. I have some important business to take care of."
"Don't leave us here
alone with the...well hel-lo ladies," Oscar said.
~*~
"Let me go you lame excuse for poor television crap! I
kicked Terry Bradshaw's sorry commentating a** and I can do the same for you!"
Lia's captors (not Card
Captors) laughed with really heavy accents.
"You're not going
anywhere, Señorita."
Lia growled between
clenched teeth and tried to bite the hands of the nearest, um, villain. They
backed up quickly, putting their hands behind their backs. Just then a door
opened and Nimoy and Buchholz walked in.
"Excellent. Our plans
are working, Bob."
"So they are, Jeff."
Buchholz turned to the head villain. "How long before Ishida shows?"
"Not long, Señors."
"The highlight of my career as a Digidestined and an
author: getting kidnapped by two English Script Writers and the Los Luchadores.
I don't know how my day could get much better," Lia sighed, shaking her head.
"Don't worry, it'll all
be over fast," Turbine (the shorter, younger, still just as doofy Luchador)
said, cupping a hand under her chin.
"What's that supposed to
mean?" Maria Valentine asked, her hands on her hips, which are covered by some
pretty lurid pleather pants. Turbine grinned and removed his stupid spandex
mask.
"Aye chihuahua! It's
Señor Ishida!" Lobo Fuerte gasped.
"That's right, and I
demand to know why you chose to kidnap my girlfriend," he said, starting to
untie the absolutely adorable little author.
"Lia..." Matt cautioned,
reading the above statement.
"I'll fix it."
"That's right, and I
demand to know why you chose to kidnap my girlfriend," said the absolutely
incredibly hot Matt as he began to untie the cute non Mary-Sue author.
"Better."
"Oh no you don't! You're not ruining all our careful
plans! You're going to let us be your managers or else!" Buchholz cried.
"Or else what?" Matt
challenged.
"Or else we pull out our
secret weapon!" Nimoy threatened.
"Oh, what, another
low-budget ten episode series of Power Rangers? Another lame superhero who can
make numbers magically appear? Reruns of the Magic School Bus?"
"Maria Valentine,
unleash the Demon!" Nimoy cried.
"You got it!" The
non-Spanish Luchador skipped over to a large metal door vaguely resembling the
one from Myotismon's castle. She pulled a lever and from the depths of the
vault came...
"My God, what is that?"
Lia gasped, running over to Matt and linking an arm around his.
"It's...it's a Toei
animator jogress digivolved with an English dubber!" Matt cried.
A/N: For those of you who don't follow the Japanese version, jogress digivolving is the same as DNA digivolving, just with a cheesier Americanized name.
"Surrender your band,
your girlfriend, and your soul or else we'll turn you into a character stupider
and more pointless than Michael!" Buchholz commanded. Lobo Fuerte cracked our
hero to the back of the neck, knocking him down. He and the real Turbine, who
had been stashed in a well-placed Author Plothole and had escaped, started
tag-teaming Matt. It's just not his day.
"Matt!"
"Oh, so that's the way
you want to play?" Matt smirked, despite an accrual of dark bruises and the obvious
shudders of pain. "Well, then we'll just have to make up rules of our own. Lia,
we need some sort of…something!"
Lia, who was busy
breaking all of Maria Valentine's fingers, looked up and nodded. She ducked out
of the fanfic for a moment, frantically typed something, and sprinted back in.
"What'd you do?" Matt
asked.
"A few things. One,
briefly mentioned that Hawkmon has the tendencies to sound like
Winnie-the-Pooh. Two, got rid of Lobo Fuerte and the Luchadores." Lobo and
Company magically disappeared down an Author Plothole. "And three, borrowed a
few things from here and there."
"Like what?" Matt inquired as the jogress animator/script
writer attempted blasting him with the Obviously Underdeveloped Poorly Drawn
Character Rays from its English Scripts of Doom.
"Oh, like a katana, a
gatling gun, twelve yards of duct tape, aaaaaand…a magic plot hole that will
take us back to the beginning of the story where I can re-write the whole thing
so none of this happened."
"Cool. Toss me the
katana and let's book it."
So, with some spiffy
sword fighting our hero of the day (Matt fans, cheer) was able to defeat the
jogress digivolved Toei animator/English script writer while his girlfriend
duct-taped Nimoy and Buchholz to the wall, while threatening them with the
gatling gun. Then she opened up the magic plot hole and the two of them jumped
through.
"Curses, Bob! They escaped our clutches, Bob, with a
really lame ending and a plot hole, Bob!"
"I know, Jeff. What
should we do, Jeff?"
"Figure out how to get out
of here, Bob, and somehow seek revenge, Bob."
"Can we get a mocha
latte too, Jeff?"
"Whatever makes you
happy, Bob. Matt Ishida and his author girlfriend won't escape, Bob."
"Right, Jeff. Next time,
Jeff, next time, Jeff."
~*~
Matt awoke half-lying on the kitchen table, his laptop
(which is not yellow or has a pineapple, sorry Izzy fans) open beside him.
"Oh man, that was
painful. I've gotta warn Lia about those freaking plot holes next time." Just
then the phone rang. Matt cringed. "Please not Nimoy and Buchholz, please not
Nimoy and Buchholz, please not Nimoy and Buchholz."
It wasn't. "Matt? It's
T.K. and the others. Listen, Archnemon is off on a rant because Nimoy and
Buchholz and the American producer people decided to rename her Arukenimon and
she's gone on the warpath and is blowing a ton of stuff up. Do you mind gracing
us with your presence?"
"What, Tai can't do it?"
"Yeah, but since the
story revolves around you…"
"Ah…I've got a date,
so…see what Joe is doing. He and Gomamon never do anything anymore."
"All right, but if
you're lying about the date…"
"Me? Lie?"
~*~
So, to sum everything up, Matt continually gets stalked. And some more stuff happened, but we don't really care because Matt was in it and Davis wasn't because Davis just plain sucks. This, like so many other things I write, started out good but kinda went downhill. *sigh* Like I say continually, review. Otherwise you'll find yourself sitting in a plot hole with Los Luchadores.