Hephaestion wondered if Alexander would ever realize how stupid he was. Negligent. He's been "negligent"? Really, Alexander, Hephaestion thought to himself sarcastically. But he couldn't stay mad. He kind of wanted to, but he supported Alexander above all else. He would not be a distraction, a needy companion. He supported Alexander, whatever his choices were. How could he be anywhere but on Alexander's side?
But he couldn't quite ignore the stinging in the back of his mind when Alexander has said he'd been "negligent". After all, if was Alexander that had made it impossible for Hephaestion to be at his side. He'd married some woman he didn't know- Hephaestion understood the importance of having a son, but it was still a rash decision. And then there was the fact that she knew. Because some malevolent deity had decided to send her in at that moment, that moment when Hephaestion was trying to say something, that moment that was the last time they'd kissed.
He'd been wearing the ring at least, Hephaestion noticed, since that day. He hoped that meant Alexander realized what he meant to Hephaestion, that he was the sun, Apollo be damned. He wondered what Alexander thought of that. He wondered if Alexander would ever realize how stupid he was.
"What's wrong, Hephaestion?" Ptolemy brought Hephaestion out of his thoughts. He was good at that. Ptolemy always was a very down to earth guy.
"Ptolemy," Hephaestion said, uncharacteristically unperceptive as he had just noticed Ptolemy's presence. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong."
They'd crossed the river that afternoon. In the morning they would try to conquer yet another tribe.
"Seriously, Hephaestion, you're not as good at hiding your feelings as you think you are," Ptolemy informed him.
"I've got nothing to hide," Hephaestion replied smoothly, standing up. He acknowledged Ptolemy with a curt nod and began to walk away.
"He's in his tent," Ptolemy called after him. Hephaestion showed no sign of acknowledgement.
This was, of course, only because Hephaestion actually was occasionally able to conceal his thoughts, and never would have let it show on his face that Ptolemy's words had raked up a memory in his head.
The most important memory. The memory of a simpler time, though it hadn't felt so simple back then.
In fact, it had felt incredibly complicated and confusing and hard to understand.
They were 15. Alexander was pouring over a book when Hephaestion entered the courtyard, having left behind the very book that Alexander was currently reading. No one else was around. It was unusual for Alexander to study longer than was necessary- Aristotle had a hard enough time getting him to sit still for the required lessons. But this one book evidently held a special interest for the young prince.
Hephaestion was about to say something, as Alexander was still looking so seriously at the book with his brow furrowed that it didn't appear he had noticed Hephaestion approach, when Alexander spoke.
"D'you think Petrocles really loved Achilles?" He blurted out, all at once.
"What?"
"I mean, you think they we really, you know, in love and all? Like that." Alexander looked up at Hephaestion pointedly.
"Does it matter?" Hephaestion asked, slightly taken aback by the sudden question.
"Of course it matters!" Alexander exclaimed, getting up from his position lying in his stomach and facing Hephaestion. "The story is a hundred times more beautiful that way."
Hephaestion just stared at him for a moment. Then Alexander realized he was still looking at Hephaestion so seriously and kept talking.
"Aristotle," he said, looking out over the courtyard, "he thinks they were just friends, see, so it was a matter of honor and all that he had to avenge his death. But I think they loved each other," he finished, turning back to Hephaestion and meeting his gaze. Hephaestion stared steadily back. He'd no idea this had been preoccupying him all this time.
"I think you're right," he offered, quietly, after a time. "I think Petrocles probably loved him very much."
"Do you think you could ever love someone like that, Hephaestion?" Alexander asked, cocking his head to one side, his voice lowered to almost a whisper without realizing it. Hephaestion liked how it sounded when Alexander said his name.
He found himself slowly nodding as he returned Alexander's gaze.
"I think I could," he said, then, with the slightest of unsure smiles as he stretched nonchalantly, "if it were someone as great as Achilles, of course." He could see the puzzlement on Alexander's face as he searched Hephaestion's eyes for humor.
"I'll be as great as Achilles one day, Hephaestion," Alexander said seriously. "I'll be greater-"
Hephaestion never would understand why he did it, but at that moment he grabbed the front of Alexander's robes with one hand and cupped his face with the other, cutting off his words by covering Alexander's mouth with his own.
Alexander was stunned for about half a second before he leaned up to Hephaestion as if he were drowning and Hephaestion were the air, fisting his hands in Hephaestions's soft hair. When Hephaestion pulled away, placing calming hands on Alexander's shoulders, he couldn't help smiling at Alexander's feverish expression.
"Hephaestion-" Alexander began breathily, but Hephaestion cut him off again, this time with words.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "What you are, Alexander. Because you're you. And I love you."
Alexander blinked. Then a smiled spread slowly across his face.
"Hephaestion, you've always been my Patrocles, Hephaestion. Only I wasn't sure that he- that you-" This time Alexander cut himself off by reaching up and kissing Hephaestion on the mouth as if he'd never get another chance, or maybe he'd just realized he wasn't getting anywhere with run-on sentences and he'd better quit while he was ahead. Hephaestion laughed against Alexander's lips and pulled him close.
Then Alexander, always too energetic for his own good, stumbled as he leaned into Hephaestion, and they both tumbled down the courtyard steps, rolling over one another.
Hephaestion laughed as they hit the ground, holding Alexander on top of him to protect him from the fall.
"Look what you've done, Alexander," he said in mock chastisement, "Now we're on the ground."
Alexander grinned and kissed him where his neck met his shoulder; Hephaestion's robe had slipped off his shoulders when he fell.
"Aristotle always warned us not to lie in lust," Hephaestion pointed out.
"It's a good thing I love you so damn much then," Alexander said without pause, kissing him wetly on the mouth. Hephaestion smiled again, then continued, in mock seriousness, as Alexander bit his ear-
"I'm a bit worried though," he said.
Alexander stopped and looked at him, unsure.
"that it might be both," Hephaestion mused, then grinned at Alexander's puzzled look.
"Because I want you so damn badly," he finished huskily, and rolled over on top of Alexander, whose smile was both surprised and relieved. He looked up in awe at the look in Hephaestion's eyes, a look he hadn't seen before.
"Not fair," said Alexander, but he couldn't hide the bliss in his voice as Hephaestion kissed his collar bone. "You always win."
Hephaestion just smiled and kissed Alexander hard on the lips.
Now, at the camp where everything was so complicated, Hephaestion longed for the simplicity of the past, when there was no one else but them. When there was no guilt, and no negligence.
Now Hephaestion slowed as he passed Alexander's tent, wishing it was as easy to enter as it had been before. Now there was guilt, because Alexander was married, to a woman who knew how Hephaestion felt and it wasn't clear anymore how Alexander felt, because now there was the negligence, and the confusion. Maybe he had changed, maybe he loved Roxane, or maybe he was in love with Nike and only cared for his conquest and for having a son to carry on after him. But Hephaestion hated himself for even considering these possibilities, because he knew Alexander like no one else, and he trusted Alexander like no one else, and he loved Alexander like no one else.
He was just about to walk away from the tent when he heard a voice whisper his name.
"Hephaestion?" There was no mistaking that voice. Alexander was standing in the opening if his tent.
"A-alexander." Hephaestion said, feeling stupid. It was very dark now, and no one else was around; everyone else had gone to their own tents and was sleeping drunkenly before tomorrow's battle.
They'd crossed the river that afternoon. In the morning they would try to conquer yet another tribe.
Alexander left the tent and approached Hephaestion; Hephaestion looked away. Alexander lifted one hand uncertainly and hesitated before touching Hephaestion's cheek gently and brushing a stand of his soft hair out of his face. Hephaestion closed his eyes and swallowed, finally meeting Alexander's gaze when Alexander turned his face toward him.
Alexander saw the pain in Hephaestion's eyes, and Hephaestion knew it- so he looked down again. Alexander cupped one hand on the back of Hephaestion's neck and leaned his forehead against Hephaestion's.
"I'm so sorry, Hephaestion," he whispered, and Hephaestion suddenly felt as if he was the one in the wrong, because he hated hearing such anguish in Alexander's voice. "I'm such an idiot," Alexander said bitterly.
"I wondered when you'd notice," Hephaestion muttered but he was smiling a little. He wrapped his arms around Alexander's back and held him close, breathing in deeply the scent he realized he had missed so much.
"Alexander," he found himself sighing, and felt Alexander's arms tighten around him for a moment before he suddenly pulled away from Hephaestion just enough to take his face in both hands and kiss him fervently on the mouth. Hephaestion moaned softly and tangled his hands tightly in Alexander's hair, so that it hurt. He could feel Alexander's surprise, but he didn't much care. He'd been deprived of his love for so long. He'd been neglected. And now he was going to take back what was his.
Alexander found himself being slammed rather violently against a nearby tree. Though surprised at Hephaestion's harshness, he couldn't say he didn't like it. Kissing Hephaestion was like nothing else. It wasn't like kissing Roxane. It was more like a never ending battle for control, strong and merciless. One hand still entwined in the soft hair at the back of Hephaestion's neck, the other placed at the small of Hephaestion's back, he could feel Hephaestion's strong muscles moving beneath the skin, beneath the cloth of his robes that he wished weren't there. Behind him he felt the bark of the tree digging into his own back as Hephaestion pressed him against it unrelentingly.
"Hephaestion," he breathed, as Hephaestion's mouth moved from his lips to his neck, "I love you Hephaestion."
"Don't say it," Hephaestion replied quietly, "Show me."
"Don't you-" Alexander winced rather blissfully as Hephaestion dug his teeth into his shoulder- "trust me?" he gasped.
"Of course I trust you," Hephaestion replied. "The question is whether that makes me as big an idiot as you are."
"I certainly hope so," Alexander said, smiling slightly, "or I wouldn't be a match for you at all."
He felt Hephaestion smile a bit too as his lips returned to Alexander's rather violently.
If this is how it's going to be, Alexander thought, he was going to play, too.
He pushed back, taking control of the kiss, hands everywhere distracting Hephaestion as he guided him backwards and then shoved him, hard; Hephaestion fell with a thud onto the ground in the tent and found himself straddled by a blond haired king.
"Look what you've done, Alexander," he murmured as Alexander trailed kisses down his neck. "Now we're on the ground."
"Thank the gods," Alexander replied emphatically.
You are the gods, Hephaestion thought. All of them. The only one I need. But he didn't say anything, because the way Alexander was touching him, he had a feeling he already knew. Besides which, it was difficult, and probably rude, to talk while the king had his tongue in your mouth.