"This planet sucks."
Sam shot a glance at Daniel under the brim of her hat and kept walking. Trudging. Sloshing. Whatever they were doing, it was obnoxious, she had to admit. It had been raining for approximately three hours, and the ground hadn't been that solid to begin with, so they were sinking several inches into the ground with every step. Her legs ached and she was completely drenched and muddy from the knees down.
Muck-covered drowned rat was sexy, she told herself. Irresistible.
"We're almost to the gate, Daniel," she soothed.
"Really? 'Cause I don't recognize this."
"Really. It just looks a little different half-washed away in torrential rain." It was true – the path had been forested, but the drop-off to their left was now almost entirely mud.
"Watch where you're walking," Colonel O'Neill warned from his place just behind them.
"If you can call this walking," Daniel answered.
Sam chuckled. She had already thought of a few more descriptive words herself. "Plodding."
"Lurching," Daniel said.
"Shuffling."
"Mucking."
"Ooh, good one," Sam told him, a grin tugging at her lips. "Tromping."
"Kids," the colonel warned paternally.
"Blundering," Daniel continued.
"Flounder-" Her word was cut off with a sharp cry as the mud beneath Sam's left foot gave way, and she hit the ground hard.
"Carter!" O'Neill leapt forward as the earth beneath his 2IC began to shift, sliding toward the drop-off. Only Teal'c's firm arm around his torso kept him from stepping too far and moving with her. He watched in terror as the edge of the path gave way and Carter plummeted down the side of the mountain with a scream, the slimy dirt accelerating her descent.
Teal'c immediately jumped into action as Carter's scream faded and stopped, pulling his climbing rope from his pack and tying it firmly around one of the few remaining trees. The others followed suit, half-rappelling, half-sliding down the hill toward their friend, their hearts in their throats.
Carter was crawling from a lake in the valley of the mountain when they finally reached the bottom.
"Carter!" O'Neill yelled as she carefully got to her feet in the muddy shore. "Are you okay?"
Her chest was heaving, her face red, but the colonel was shocked to see her grinning like the Cheshire cat. "That was awesome!" she panted.
He stopped dead in his tracks. "What?"
"They should sell tickets. If I didn't think I'd break something, I'd do that again."
She took a step toward the bank, but her foot slipped in the muck and she landed on her rear again, laughing hysterically. In reaching up to wipe her hair from her face, she succeeded only in streaking her entire face with mud. Even Jack couldn't hold back a laugh at the two bright blue eyes and a white smile peering out of a completely brown body. "Get up here," he chuckled.
"Yes, sir." Sam pushed herself up again and carefully maneuvered herself over to the steep incline of the bank, but her first attempt to climb it ended with her flat on her back again. It shouldn't have been funny, but the mission had been so ridiculous that they were all in stitches. Well, almost all. Teal'c was clearly amused, but somewhat less demonstrative.
"For cryin' out loud, Carter, give me your hand." Jack knelt at the top of the six-foot embankment and extended a hand, which she clasped in her muddy one. "Hang on tight," he ordered, and tugged hard on her arm.
Unfortunately, the ground at the edge of the embankment wasn't as stable as the colonel had hoped, and it gave way under their combined weight. "Crap!" he yelled as Sam fell backwards and he landed awkwardly on top of her.
Carter let out an "oomph!" at the unexpected contact, and Jack, fearing he'd hurt her, scrambled to his feet. But he once again underestimated the power of the slime, and he fell on top of her again. A second attempt went no better, and this time their heads banged together painfully.
"Colonel! Colonel, stop!" she cried, laughing, holding her head in pain. "For the love of God, sir, don't move."
Realizing she was probably right, he stopped trying to get up and just laid there on top of her, one leg between hers, his face in her shoulder. She was shaking terribly with laughter. "Okay, sir," she chuckled, "roll over."
He tried to push himself up, but his hand slipped, and he ended up face-down between Carter's breasts. "I am so sorry," he muttered, and she just laughed harder.
"Roll," she insisted. "Don't go up, just over."
The colonel was more successful this time, and he rolled to his back, then slowly got to his knees and crawled to the edge of the embankment. "O'Neill," Teal'c called, and a rope landed next to his head. He grasped it desperately, wrapped it around his wrist, and carefully hauled himself to his feet, then reached down and pulled Carter to standing. She had finally pulled herself under control, but the grin remained.
"You done playing in the mud, Carter?" he asked, fully aware that he was just as covered as she was.
She scraped a hunk of mud off her cheek and flung it at him. "Yes, sir."