[Athena walks out]
ATHENA: Thank you and welcome to Grace *******'s Greek Mythology. I am Athena, goddess of wisdom and war, and I will be introducing the other gods and goddesses.
[walk out as called]
ATHENA: Zeus, the king of the gods and god of the sky! Hades, the god of death and the underworld! Poseidon, god of the sea and horses! Hera, queen of the gods and goddess of marriage! Artemis, goddess of the moon and animals! Apollo, god of the sun and music! Hermes, god of thieves and messengers! Hephaestus, god of blacksmiths and fire! Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty! Dionysus, the god of wine and insanity! Ares, the god of war and violence! Hestia, the goddess of fire and the hearth! ANNNNNNND Demeteeeerrr, the goddess of earth and harvest!
[Athena faces the crowd while the others talk among themselves; Groups for talking: Zeus/Hera, Hestia/Artemis/Apollo, Ares/Aphrodite, Hades/Hermes, Poseidon/Demeter, Dionysus/Hephaestus]
[Athena begins talking, gods stop]
ATHENA: Nice day, isn't it?
ZEUS: Thanks, I made it myself!
ATHENA: Again, welcome to the play. Thousands of years ago, the people of Greece worshiped many gods and goddesses. There were twelve Olympian gods, Hestia, and...
[Hades coughs the word "Hades"]
[Awkward silence]
[Athena gestures at Hades]
ATHENA: ….and Hades.
[Poseidon jumps in front of Athena]
POSEIDON: Poseidon was the AWESOMEST, MOST HANDSOME...
[Athena pushes Poseidon back]
ATHENA: NO! You don't even...
[Zeus jumps in front of Athena]
ZEUS: I'm clearly the most awesome!
[Athena closes her eyes and turns around]
[Hera looks around and goes to stand by Zeus, and faces the crowd]
HERA: This happens every day.
[Athena and the ones in back nod]
ATHENA: Almost as often as Artemis and Apollo fighting.
[Artemis and Apollo step forward next to Athena]
ARTEMIS: It's not my fault that he acts like a complete idiot!
[Apollo glares at Artemis]
APOLLO: At least I have fun!
[Apollo and Artemis slap fight for about fifteen seconds, until Hestia yells...]
HESTIA: Stop!
[They both pause and look at her]
ARTEMIS: Sorry... for him.
ATHENA: Artemis and Apollo are the twin children of Zeus and Leto, a human.
[Hera glares at Zeus] [Zeus glares at Athena]
ATHENA: They also happen to be my half siblings. Joy. But, even at the worst of times, they're better than Ares.
[Everyone nods]
[Ares stops for a second]
ARES: HEY!
ATHENA [quickly]: Moving on! So, how are the huntresses, Artemis?
[Aphrodite steps forward]
APHRODITE: Speaking of no fun...
[Artemis comes forward and glares at Aphrodite]
ARTEMIS: What was that?
[Aphrodite smirks]
APHRODITE: Nothing, love...or should I say, loveless?
[Demeter gasps]
[Hestia holds Artemis back]
[Athena laughs]
ATHENA: Her insults are as weak as her I.Q.!
HADES[to Aphrodite]: She called you stupid.
APHRODITE[annoyed]: I know!
ZEUS: SILENCE!
POSEIDON: Excuse them, they're only five thousand years old.
HESTIA: I'm the same age as you!
ATHENA: Hestia, Zeus, Hera, Hades, Poseidon, and Demeter are all siblings, sons and daughters of Kronos, the titan lord of time.
HEPHAESTUS: Big family.
ATHENA: Most of the second generation, myself included, are sons and daughters of Zeus.
POSEIDON: My children aren't important enough, apparently, even though they can breathe underwater and control fish...
ATHENA[annoyed]: Maybe if you didn't take women on dates to MY temple...
POSEIDON: Hey, I was just passing through! You didn't have to make her a gorgon.
APOLLO: What?
ATHENA: He decided to kiss his girlfriend in MY temple, so I turned her into a gorgon. Medusa.
ZEUS: Oh, I think Perseus killed her.
HADES: Nope. She reformed a week ago.
POSEIDON: Great...
DEMETER: Speaking of the Underworld, how's my daughter?
[Demeter stares at Hades]
HADES: Um...she's...fine?
[Demeter smiles creepily]
DEMETER: GOOD.
HERMES: Anyhow...
ARTEMIS: What were we talking about?
ATHENA: Medusa?
[Medusa jumps onstage]
HEPHAESTUS: Speaking of which...
MEDUSA: Poseidon!
[Poseidon facepalms]
POSEIDON: Thanks, Hades...
[Hades gives him the thumbs up]
HADES: You're welcome!
MEDUSA: YOU!
[Points at Athena]
ATHENA: Me?
[Athena looks behind her]
MEDUSA: You made me...THIS!
[gestures at self]
ATHENA: You were asking for it...
HEPHAESTUS: You know, you can overreact sometimes... just a little bit.
[everyone nods]
ATHENA: I guess so.
MEDUSA: You shall pay!
ARES: Hey, can I kill her?
ATHENA: I'm thinking about it!
ARES: Can I?
ATHENA: I guess so...but take it offstage, there are children!
[Ares chases Medusa offstage, both yelling]
ATHENA: And that's what Ares is good for!
HADES: SOULS!
[awkward silence]
ATHENA: On that rather awkward note...are we done here?
HEPHAESTUS: Wait, that's it?
APOLLO: I demand a refund!
[everyone starts fighting]
Dionysus[yelled]: THIS IS INSANE!
[everyone stops]
[the silence is suddenly broken by Medusa screaming offstage]
MEDUSA: My sisters shall avenge me!
APHRODITE: Well then.
APOLLO: Hey, hey! Look at what I can do! SUN OFF!
[lights are turned off]
APOLLO: SUN ON!
[lights come back on]
[Artemis pushes Apollo back]
ARTEMIS: Watch THIS. MOON ON!
[lights turn off]
ARTEMIS: MOON OFF!
[lights come back on]
ZEUS: That's nothing! Watch this! RAIN ON!
[nothing happens]
DEMETER: We're inside! It can't rain!
ZEUS: Right. Rain off!
HESTIA: I have a question.
ATHENA: Okay?
HESTIA: What's the point of all this?
[everyone stares at Athena]
ATHENA: Um...good question. I wanted everyone to get a grasp of our personalities, but I think we've just come across as insane.
POSEIDON: Well, everyone knows that Hades is insane.
[Hades glares at Poseidon]
POSEIDON: You mad, bro?
HEPHAESTUS: Great, now we're quoting the internet?
HADES: Yes, I'm mad! I'm not insane!
ZEUS: Not to burst your bubble, but you hang around with dead people. And you kidnapped Demeter's daughter and forced her to marry you.
HADES: Well... Poseidon talks to fish!
POSEIDON: What's wrong with that?
ATHENA: Nothing...Uncles, Father, can't you just get along?
POSEIDON&ZEUS&HADES: NO!
ATHENA: Worth a try.
[Zeus, Hades, Poseidon start bickering]
HERA: Cease!
ATHENA: I think it's best we leave.
DIONYSUS: Good idea.
[everyone bows and leaves]
[Ares returns]
ARES: Whoa... I'll bet the Romans struck again! MARS POWER!
[Ares leaves]