We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves:

I'm kind of in a writing mood at the moment. This is just a one-shot that I came up with a few hours ago. The title comes from a quote by Eric Hoffer. Hope you enjoy it.

Rating - 18

Her eyes were on me, I could feel them. I'd been able to feel them from the minute I walked into the club. She was so far away from me but it was as if she was right next to me. I felt trapped by her gaze. I daren't turn around because if my gaze connected with hers, I might just give in there and then and I have to be strong.

I need to be strong.

I can't let her back into my life because I've already lived through the consequences of letting her in the last time. My heart is still in the healing process. I don't want her in my life.

Except I do.

No matter how many times I say I can do better, I don't need her, I think of ten more reasons why I do need her. Why she is the best it is going to get. Her eyes, her smile, the way she said my name, the way she made me feel. I'm in love with her, always have been and to sound clichéd I think I always will be but I can't be with her.

She was the only person I ever really opened up to. I let her break down all my defences because I felt comfortable with her. I trusted her. Well a fat lot of good that did to me. She took everything I told her in confidence and destroyed it.

She destroyed me.

"I need to get out of here," I shout the words into Katy's ear, hoping she can hear me over the music. She asks me if I'm okay and I simply nod. I just need fresh air. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

As soon as I leave the club I turn down the nearest side alley and breathe heavily. Fresh air filling my lungs. I had to get away from her penetrating gaze. It was killing me.

"You know, standing alone in a dark alley isn't advisable."

And there it was.

Her voice.

The voice that I fell in love with. The voice that told me she loved me. The voice that would tell me I looked beautiful first thing after waking up. That voice was the one I heard when she asked me to marry her.

She got down on one knee and told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but it was all just lies. Everything to do with her is just a lie.

Now she's standing right beside me, her body radiating heat. The hairs on the back of my neck are already standing up; I haven't been this close to her in months. I made sure I wasn't this close to her because being in such a close proximity to her was dangerous.

"I'm not alone." I reply sardonically. "But I want to be so can you go away."

I wasn't asking a question and she knew, I was telling her to go away. However, I knew she wouldn't listen and sure enough, she moved closer to me, resting her back against the wall next to me.

"I love you."

It's been a year and those words can still affect me just as much as they did when we dated.

"No." I span around and stood right in front of her so we were face to face. "You don't get to say that to me anymore." I shouted at her but she didn't flinch at my words. "You lost that right a year ago."

I tried to walk away from her but she grabbed my wrist and pushed me back against the wall. "Don't walk away from me." She said it firmly but I could hear the vulnerability in her voice.

If anybody else had pushed me against a wall, trapping me with their body, I'd have been terrified but despite the sternness of her voice, I knew she was more scared than me. She was scared of me walking away from her like I had done a year ago.

"I have nothing to say to you."

She leaned in closer to me, her breath tickling my lips. "Then don't talk." She captured my lips and I was reminded of how good it was to kiss her. Her tongue trailed over my bottom lip and against my better judgement, I parted my lips granting it entry. I wasn't sure which one of us made the noise, but I heard a guttural moan as our tongues collided for the first time in over a year. God she was an exceptionally good kisser. Her hands grabbed my wrists and held them above my head, preventing me from moving.

I knew I should have tried to move, should have told her to stop but she had trapped me.

And not just physically.

She had always been so enticing when we were together, I never wanted to leave her and now I was falling under her spell all over again. I was about to pull away when I felt her place soft kisses against my neck. My eyes involuntarily closed as she found my pulse point and sucked softly. She hadn't forgotten my weak spots. Her tongue darted out and licked my bruised skin.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you." I opened my eyes as she spoke.

She grabbed both of my wrists with her left hand and I was too focused on her eyes to notice that her right hand was currently making its way down my body. Her gaze was locked on mine; she was hardly blinking, almost as if she would miss something if she did.

"How much I've missed this."

She had unbuttoned my jeans and was cupping me. God she made me feel things I never knew I could feel. She pushed my underwear aside and slid her fingers through my wet folds. I heard her moan and I hadn't realised just how wet I was. She still had a supreme effect on me. No matter how much I wanted to push her off, I couldn't. My body was in ecstasy.

My body was betraying me.

"You've missed it too."

She kissed me hard before swiftly entering me with two fingers and simultaneously her thumb quickly found the swollen nub of pleasure which sent me into a whirlwind. God I've missed her so much. I move my hips to meet her thrusts and bury my head in her neck.

It felt amazing to have her touch me again. My head came back to rest against the wall.

"Look at me." Her ministrations were distracting me and the mixed emotions coursing through my body was making it incredibly difficult to obey her demand. She stilled her fingers. "Open your eyes and look at me."

Focusing hard, I managed to open them slightly. I was met straight away by her cobalt eyes. They were a lot darker than normal signalling her lust but if you peeled away that outer layer of lust, you could see that her eyes held nothing but love.

I couldn't cope with the way she was looking at me. It was making my stomach flip. Her eyes had always had power over me; they made me weak at the knees. Her intense stare coupled with the fact that her fingers had begun to move once more caused my eyes to close again.

She buried her head in the crook of my neck before stretching me a little bit further with a third finger. This was the first time I'd been intimate with anybody since we'd broken up.

Don't get me wrong, I tried. I tried to move on. I had cut her out of my life so I was determined to not let her still have control over me.

But she did.

When I kissed somebody other than her for the first time, I was comparing the way they kissed to the way she used to kiss me. I would notice how many things were different. The first guy I kissed after her for example never left a trail of kisses along my collarbone like she had. He never nibbled my earlobe; he never made me feel anything.

She made me feel everything.

I could feel my orgasm building up in me and I knew that she could feel it to. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter desperately trying to suppress my orgasm. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of making me feel this good.

She placed a soft kiss on my neck and I could feel her smirking. She knew the effect that she had on me and I hated that it made her feel this confident. I hated the fact that I was giving her what she wanted, I was giving her control. She nibbled my earlobe softly. "Let go."

I tried to prevent myself from giving in but I was powerless as she curled her fingers. I felt my orgasm wash over me and sweet relief fill my body. I felt my body go weak as I lost the strength to stay straight but Sophie released my wrists and gripped my waist keeping me steady as I came down from my high.

She pulled her fingers out slowly before brushing some of my hair behind my ear. She cupped my cheek with her now free hand and kissed me softly. It was a lot gentler than before but I could still feel the passion and love which surged through it.

"Tell me you love me."

She rested her forehead against mine and the vulnerability was back. I could feel the words in the back of my throat but I wouldn't give into her.

I wanted to tell her those three words that I used to take pleasure in saying whenever I got the opportunity but I couldn't.

She hurt me; I wasn't giving her the satisfaction of knowing that I still loved her.

That I haven't been able to stop loving her since we broke up.

"I stopped loving you a long time ago." This time my words had an effect on her and I watched as she recoiled slightly. "You mean nothing to me." She flinched again.

Lies.

That's all they were.

I was lying to her and to myself.

Of course she meant something to me; she meant the world to me. I wasn't telling her the truth and I think deep down she knew that but my words had had the designated effect. They had hurt her.

"You don't mean that." She said but I was already walking away from her. As soon as she recoiled, I managed to move out of her grasp.

"Sian," She shouted after me. "Please tell me you don't mean that."

I span around to see her crying. She looked so feeble, so fragile. I'd never seen her like that before. She had always had this air of confidence about her, that was what attracted me to her but now that had all disappeared. If anything she was a shadow of her former self.

I had done that.

My words had made her lose her confidence and now she was oozing vulnerability. But I couldn't stop, she needed to learn that she had hurt me and I wasn't going to just sit back.

Not anymore.

I had to show her I hated her because otherwise I would cave and show her that I really still loved her.

"Haven't you got a baby to be getting back to?"

I knew that was a low blow and I could see how hurt she was.

"You don't know anything."

My eyes narrowed in anger and I stormed back until this time she was against the wall. "Don't you dare say I don't know anything! I know that the entire time we were together, you were lying to me. You had a husband and then the kicker, you fell pregnant." My face was directly opposite her so our noses were touching. "I know you broke my heart so leave me alone and go back to your perfect little family."

I stepped back before spinning on my heels and leaving the alley. I needed a walk, I needed to curb my temper and I certainly couldn't do that around her.

Part of me wanted to go back and cuddle her, tell her I was sorry for what I said but I couldn't do that so I ignored my heart and listened to my brain. I carried on walking.

I would not let Sophie Webster back into my life.

Sophie sank down against the wall and brought her knees up. The tears were flowing down her cheeks rapidly. She had never seen Sian so angry before and the sight pained her. She wished Sian would come back but she had a feeling that wouldn't happen.

So instead she let herself cry in the darkness of the alley muttering only a single sentence.

"I lost it."