Ilora Hawke had to get out of the belly of the ship. The hold was full of nothing but sick, sad, hungry people. Day and night, the only sounds were crying and praying, interspersed with vomiting.
Among all this wretchedness, her own family was unsettlingly quiet. Bethany answered when spoken to, but not otherwise. Their mother, so loud in her grief the first few days, no longer addressed her eldest daughter—not even to blame. This made Ilora more nervous than if she'd been shouting.
Ilora hadn't had time for her own grief. She'd been far too busy. Busy ensuring a spot on the ship. Busy finding—and keeping—a place for them below decks. Rising early each day to ensure a spot in the ration line. Coaxing her mother and sister to eat and sleep. Rubbing Bethany's back when the nightmares kept her awake. By the end of each day, Ilora was too exhausted to do anything but sleep, until she woke at dawn to begin the cycle again.
But not tonight. Tonight, it was all too much. The noises, the smells. She couldn't sleep, felt like she couldn't even breath. Trying made her gag.
She sat up from the spot on the floor where she lay, chest heaving. She threw off her blankets and, after checking to ensure they still covered Bethany, hurried above deck.
Her lungs seemed to expand the moment fresh air filled them. The moonlight made everything on deck blue and ethereal, almost beautiful, especially in comparison to where she'd just been. She made her way to the guardrail and leaned over the edge to look down at the black water. It was nearly still, only the faintest ripple of movement across the surface.
"We'll be at sea for months if this keeps up."
Ilora turned at the sound of the familiar voice. She was surprised to see Aveline standing at the top of the stairs that led back down into the hold. The other woman came over and leaned against the rail beside her.
"You couldn't sleep either?" Ilora said. Her tone was cautious. She and Aveline had barely spoken since the start of the voyage.
Aveline nodded. "It's awful down there."
Ilora fidgeted. She looked back at the water, back at Aveline.
"How have you been?" she said quietly.
Aveline sighed.
"Oh, not well," she said. "But there isn't much I can do to change that."
She glanced at Ilora.
"How about you?"
Ilora laced her fingers together across the rail, leaning backward and then forward.
"I'm not sure," she said finally. "None of this feels real."
"You seem to be handling it well," Aveline said. "Keeping busy, anyway."
Ilora shrugged. "Someone has to take care of my family."
"I know," said Aveline.
Ilora saw her clench her fists against the guardrail, then release them.
"I'm sorry I haven't been much help," she said.
Ilora glanced over at her in surprise. It was true that since they'd boarded the ship, Aveline had disappeared almost entirely. Ilora saw her in the hold, and occasionally in the line for rations, but not otherwise. She had no idea where she went, or what she'd been doing. She'd been too busy to think about it.
"You don't have to help," Ilora said.
"No, I think I do," said Aveline. She smiled sadly. "I never thanked you for what you did for me. And Wesley."
"Oh, I didn't do—"
"No," said Aveline. Her fists were clenched again. "You gave me a choice about what to do. Not everyone would have."
They fell silent. The breeze began to pick up, blowing Ilora's bangs into her eyes. She brushed them aside.
"I'm just sorry about what happened," she finally said.
Aveline smiled tightly. "Me too."
They went quiet again. Ilora saw Aveline looking at her, something clearly on her mind.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Aveline said. "Your mother…"
Ilora's shoulders hunched automatically. Aveline looked away, seemed to regret having spoken.
"Mother was just upset," Ilora said, after an awkward pause. "She says things she doesn't mean sometimes."
"But how did it effect you?"
Ilora kept her eyes on the water. She didn't answer.
"Hawke," said Aveline, "you don't believe it was your fault, do you?"
Ilora pulled away from the railing.
"It's late," she said. "We should get back to bed."
Aveline frowned. She too, stepped away from the railing and faced Ilora.
"Why don't you sleep in tomorrow?" she said. "I'll stand in line for rations."
"I can't ask you to—"
"I want to help," said Aveline. "And it's not as if I have anyone else."
"But—"
"We're in this together, Hawke," Aveline said. "We have been from the moment we met outside Lothering. You don't have to do it all by yourself."
Aveline's smile was kind. Ilora wanted to protest. It was her responsibility to look after her family, and Aveline had her own grief to deal with. But, what she said did make sense. And it would be nice to sleep in.
"All right," Ilora said. "As long as you let me do it the day after."
Aveline's grin widened.
"It's a deal," she said. "Partners, then?"
"Partners," said Ilora. For the first time that night, she smiled too.
I literally can't stop writing Dragon Age fanfics and am leaping all over my canon timeline.