Where was he? It had been weeks, and all I had ever done was search for him. I'd do anything, give anything, or sacrifice myself just to know that he was alive, and safe, and happy. I loved my Sam more than anything else in the world and it was torture to live without him. He was my whole life, my everything, and he was gone. I wanted to be safe in his arms and know that he'd never, ever let me go. But he'd been missing for so long now, and I couldn't bear it. I woke every morning with his voice echoing in my ears, and slept every night with his face dancing in front of my eyes. My family had given him up for dead, and wanted me to let him go, to move on and live my life, but without him, I didn't have a life. He was my whole world and nothing except his will could persuade him to let me go.
It was early when I woke. I was used to waking around four; sleep deprivation was just one of the many effects Sam's disappearance had had on me. The tears streaming from my eyes were a silent reminder of the date. Exactly a month ago, my boyfriend had disappeared, and my life had fallen apart. I couldn't stop crying, and I knew any minute my annoying little brother would hear me. It really got on my nerves. I mean, could a girl not fall apart in peace? It was one o'clock in the morning, yet I wanted nothing more to run from this house and search for Sam, knowing that no matter where I looked, no matter how long I searched for, I was too weak, too stupid to find him. I had to do something. I needed to.
I heard the floorboards creak under Seth's light footsteps, and felt awful for ruining his peace and quiet, he was only little and deserved some sleep. I couldn't exactly help his sensitive ears, but it was demoralizing to know that I wasn't the only one suffering from my pain. Sam had grabbed my life in his soft, comforting hands and ruined it. I should have hated him but somewhere, deep down inside of me, I knew I'd love him until the day I died and beyond. I didn't want Seth to feel the agony inflicted upon my soul, but I knew there was nothing I could do. Seth's hate for Sam had only become stronger as my … condition … deteriorated. I had barely slept, barely eaten, barely existed for a month, and I knew my family were worried. It was too late to stop their fears, no matter what I did, and it was a comfort to know how much they cared.
'Leah, are you okay?' Seth's soft voice washed over my shaking form like a summer wave, and I couldn't hold it back anymore. His eyebrows pinched together, worried and frightened, and I realised just how badly I'd let my guard down. 'Lee, don't cry, it'll be okay, everything will be okay.' He crossed the room and sat next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I knew why he was scared, and it was all my fault. He had felt bad about disliking Sam, and when he had first disappeared, before I'd fully grasped what had happened, I'd been the one who'd helped him through the pain. I'd always been the strong one to him, and yet I was falling apart in front of his eyes.
'Leah, listen to me.' His voice had a new found maturity in it, and as I looked into his eyes I realised he wasn't so young anymore. 'Is this because today is the last day of searching? Lee, it's been months. We haven't found him, and I know how much he cared about you. We have to accept that he's not coming home, not now, not ever. He's gone Leah, he's in a better place, and you have to let him go. We're all so worried about you. Emily will be here for you tomorrow, He loved you, and he wouldn't want you to be so upset. He'd want you to be strong for him, and live every day for him. They're gonna have a memorial service for him in a weeks time, and you need to be there. Lee, you need to say goodbye.'
I didn't know when Seth had grown up so much, but it was almost certainly my fault. I'd hurt him, and I could see in his face, no matter how much he tried to hide it, that he hated my Sam from the very bottom of his heart. I turned my face into his chest, and he held me as I cried until the rose and I could go and search for Sam again.