Chapter 1: Old Farewells.

BPOV:

I hate this room. I hate it with the utmost burning passion in my heart. Its plain grimy walls, its beige linoleum. The loud incessant beeping that echoes and clangs in my skull as I try and zone myself out unsuccessfully, to have its monotonous noise pull me back.

Yet here I am, again. 8th time this year.

I leave each time, telling myself, promising myself that I wouldn't come back, not again. Never again. Yet I do, and each time I make myself the same dull, ineffective promise. It's become a habit now. I don't even mean it when I say it, but I say it anyway because at least that way I fool myself momentarily, be it a week, a week delayed, in coming back.

But there we have it. Me lying here in my scratchy hospital gown with my lank hair pressed up against the hard starched pillows staring at the white corkboard roofing. Counting the holes in each square ignoring the hushed whispers coming from outside my door.

And like each time, I can hear exactly what they're saying. The doctor says I should leave town. My mother says no. The doctor says I'm a risk to myself. My mother says that's bullshit.

And I say...nothing.

I never do.

At first, I kept it to myself. I didn't tell anyone. I wore big baggy long sleeved shirts in summer, winter and autumn. I constantly wore a hoodie, 2 sizes too big so the sleeves hung down over my hands and I always kept my head down, praying that my hair would shield me from the outside world so I could disappear into nothing.

But after a while, people start to notice, when someone wears black t-shirts in the middle of a Phoenix Summer, eyebrows raise and questions are asked. My mother was too absorbed in her own stupid life to care, not that it mattered. I had taken care of myself since I was 6. My mother usually too stoned and drunk off her intoxicated ass to give a shit. So it's not like she's the one who noticed. But teachers did, so you can imagine my surprise when my biology teacher called me to her desk everyone filed out of the room at the end of school.

'Bella is everything alright?' Mrs. Allan's face is filled with an emotion I don't see often...sympathy.

As always I remain blank. Staring down at her oval face and big blue eyes. I give her a curt nod.

She purses her lips and her eyes fall to my sleeves. Instinctively I ball my fists up pulling my sleeves down with my fingers.

'Bella, I think I should see your mom.'

Yeah...good luck with that. Even I don't get to see her.

She stares at my blank face and with a sigh waves her hand signaling I could leave. So I do. Head down, hoodie on, into the boiling Arizona heat.

The voices outside are getting more heated. On the verge of being a shouting match until I hear my mother scream 'Fine!' and the door slams open and the doctor and my mother emerge into the room.

I eye her cautiously at first. Her mouth is a tight line and her eyes ablaze. She walks over to the corner of the room and leans against it. I can almost see the dragon smoke coming out of her nose.

I don't notice the Doctor, till he sits beside me on the bed reaching a hand out to rest it on my blanket covered leg.

I flinch before he can and he gets the message. I don't need another 'touch barrier' break down. It'd just be another bad attribute to add to my list of shitty personas.

He sighs and smiles. 'Your mother and I have decided Ms. Swan, that you should leave Phoenix and go stay with your father for a while. It'll give you a little time to think about things and you may find it almost therapeutic to get away.

Charlie. I hadn't seen him for 2 years. That was the last time I changed my routine of home-school-home. Looking back though. That 3 week stay had been one of the best 3 weeks of my life.

My mother scowls, chucks a $20 dollar bill on my bedside and then stomps out of the room yelling at me to get a taxi back home.

It doesn't hurt as much as it ought to.

The next 2 days in hospital are the same. I lie back and stare at the ceiling. I'm prodded with needles, gauzes and bandages. Female nurses smile tightly at me as I watch them do their business. Not mentioning that at night they can hear my screams from down the hall. Not mentioning that I disturb other patients. Not mentioning that they had to put morphine into me to quiet me down.

The day before I'm meant to leave for Forks to stay with Charlie, I'm handed the phone by a nurse, it's Charlie.

I hesitantly pick the phone up and press it against my ear. I can hear the clank of a glass on the other side before I hear Charlie's voice echo through the phone.

'Hi Bella…How er-are you feeling?' He clears his throat awkwardly.

'I'm okay.'

He coughs. 'Er- so I've booked your flight for you, just show up at the airport at 11 tomorrow…Renee's got your clothes so she'll see you there.'

I hmm and he pauses. 'You'll fly to Washington State and then take a domestic flight to Forks and I'll pick you up.'

'Okay.' My voice is pretty dry for some reason and it grates when I speak. Then I realize why…I feel one slide down my cheek and settle on my jawline before splashing onto my hand. I was crying.

I hurriedly wiped away my tears and cleared my throat. 'Thanks..Ch-Dad.'

I can hear him give that awkward Swan smile and he grunts a 'you're welcome.' Before a rushed 'bye' was uttered and the phone cut off.

I sighed and handed the phone back.

That night, I didn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried…I couldn't fall asleep. I kept seeing his face as soon as I closed my eyes. My arms had been fine but now they throbbed, like the blood was trying to escape through the gauzes threatening to run out and stain everything.

So I lay back, and for the hundredth time stared up at the ceiling now shrouded in darkness willing myself to keep my heavy lidded eyes open.

I was escorted to Arizona International Airport at 9am the next morning and dumped like a piece of garbage in the departure gate waiting for my mother to appear.

I located an empty dark blue metal bench and perched on the edge, pulling my sleeves down over my hands watching the entrance. I see her walk in with a man I don't recognize. Immediately my heart starts to pound in my chest threatening to rip through my skin and all the blood runs to my head, making my temples throb.

Not again. Not this.

I swallowed the lump and tried to control my breathing, curling my fists into my hands enjoying the dull sting as my nails cut into my palms as they approached me.

My mother is giggling like a whorish school girls as she wheels a suitcase behind her heels clicking on the white floor of the airport. I noticed her hair color had changed from a light brunette to a dark blonde…so while her child was in hospital, she was getting her hair dyed…Fucking great.

She comes to a halt in front of me and pushes the suitcase forward with her heeled foot while the dude hangs around behind her.

'Bella…here's your stuff and here's $250 to get you started.' She fishes out a rolled up wad of cash from her purse and holds it out to me, I reach forward and take it hesitantly.

She smiles as much as her botoxed face would allow her before stepping forward gingerly and hugging me

I stand rigidly like cardboard while I'm engulfed in her thick strong musky perfume.

'Try to…not come back too quick okay.' She whispers into my ear as she pulls back smiling.

I want to punch her…but I restrain myself.

I muster a small smile and pick up my bag and turn around to walk away. I look over my shoulder and she's already walking out of the departure terminal.

They wonder why I do what I do.

The plane is a Jet Blue and it's empty as I sit there in my seat reading my book engrossed in the story line that I don't even realize we've landed till the plane comes a screeching halt and I'm nearly jolted out of my seat.

My connecting flight is even smaller and it lands on an airfield just outside of Forks. I'd been dreading this moment. I wasn't good in family situations and my awkwardness would just make me look and feel like an idiot. But I sucked it up and stepped off the plane keeping my back to the railing holding back relatives of the passengers and went to collect my measly belongings. I was hoping I could stall with my luggage being at the back so it took more time to fish out…but because life hates me, it was right at the front and it was thrust upon me as soon as the burly dude who pulled out luggage asked me for my name.

So taking a deep breath I turn around and scan the waving people till I see him at the back, remaining inconspicuous as always…my dad.

Charlie hasn't changed. He's pretty much the same he's been the past 17 years of my existence. Same dark hair, same moustache, same jeans and checkered shirt ensemble.

He sees me and waves awkwardly as I walk over to him.

'Hey Bell's!' He grins.

'Hey Dad.' I smile back as he takes my suitcase out of my hand and leads us out of the airfield into the parking lot.

Strangely, as I walk into the parking lot and look behind me, it's almost like I'm leaving a life behind.