The Mary-Sue Interview
Snuffy Livingston
"Well, my parents were both brutally murdered by a hate group even though we were all white," she began, "and I had to watch them kill her but it was okay because she always beat me and dad always raped me. I think I have the power to read peoples' minds and I've been told my eyes change colour with my mood. Sometimes I grow wings, but I've managed to only do that at will now. Oh, and did I mention that I can shapeshift, bend solid metal with my hands, shoot a bucket from ten miles away, and heal wounds instantaneously?"
Horatio stared at her silently. "Ma'am, I-- I only asked about your experience as a criminalist."
"Oh. I don't have any. But I'm totally hot and smart and funny!"
"Next."
-- -- -- -- --
"So, Miss..." (Horatio checked the paper again) "... Valentine. What makes you interested in becoming a CSI?"
"I'm totally badass," she answered, rolling her tongue across the ring in her lip.
"That's not really an answer."
"I don't have any respect for authority because I have a mysterious past!" she shrieked, standing up and slamming her hands down on the table. "And I won't have any respect for you, either, but that's okay, isn't it, because you want to bone me!"
"Get out or I'm calling security."
-- -- -- -- --
"Miss Ravensong, what makes you qualified t-- Miss Ravensong!"
Before Horatio even had time to look over her credentials, he found she'd already come around the table and straddled his lap. There was a sadistic sort of glint in her eyes as she raked both hands through his hair.
"Don't fight it," she said huskily. "Go with your gut! You know you want me!"
The conflict of never hitting a woman and defending himself raged in Horatio's mind for a few brief moments, before he finally decided to knock her off him and onto the floor.
She fell artistically onto one side and locked him with a steamy glare. "Ooh, you like to play rough? I like that!"
Horatio pulled his gun out. "Consider this your rejection."
-- -- -- -- --
Horatio needed a break.
Slumped in the armchair with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand, he let his mind wander over the horrendous interviews he'd had earlier that day.
From the entrance, Calleigh came in, flipping through a magazine. When she looked up and saw him, she smiled.
"Hi, H," she greeted. "How are those interviews going?"
"Don't ask," he replied, massaging his temples with one hand.
"That bad, huh?"
"Worse."
"Well, I'm glad I ran into you, because I've got something important to share."
"Yeah?" he asked. Horatio was grateful for a distraction. "Does it have anything to do with the DNA we found on the window?"
"No," she replied with a laugh. "You see, Horatio, I have a confession... I'm not actually human."
Horatio did a doubletake. "What?"
"I'm really... an Amazon princess from another galaxy!"