:: Grand Theft Reaver ~ A Soul Reaver 2 Parody ::

Disclaimer (FOR ALL CHAPTERS): LoK is the property of Eidos Interactive and Crystal Dynamics. GTA is the property of Rockstar Games.
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Prologue

Raziel enters the Chronoplast chamber, and surveys its tiered walkways and arcane dials, noting both the mysterious device suspended from the domed ceiling, and the undulating portal on the far side of the chamber. None of this interests him. He is looking for Kain.

Raziel hears a voice, and…A vampire with huge ears?!?!

Turel: Um… *run's out*

An MIB guy step's up to Raziel and uses the 'flashing thing' on him, making him forget what he saw.

Raziel (again) hears a voice, and Kain reveals himself as he steps out from the shadows of the upper tier.

Kain: 'Bout fuckin' time you arrived! You've brought shame to the family! My first-born son is slower than my dead grandma!

Raziel: Jeeze, at least I didn't take a year to reach this place-

Kain: You're a disgrace! I bet even Zephon can beat you in a race! Why, in MY day, if you were late for class you were paddled (butt naked) with a splintery…er…paddle! Or something. Why, my friend's butt got so red that-

Raziel: SHUT UP! SHUT, UP! *Kain suddenly goes quiet* Thank you.

Kain: Like HELL you're going to hear the last peep from me! So tell me, kid-did it trouble you to ice your bros?

Raziel: No. I wasn't troubled because I killed every single remaining judge on Nosgoth. The bad thing was that each time I killed one I kept getting like 6 more wanted stars…!

Kain: …Euh? Enough! You keep changing the subject! Anyway, eternity is relentless, Razzyboy. When I first snuck into this place a-gazillion years ago-

Raziel: Please stop exaggerating.

Kain: I can do what the fuck I want-I didn' know the true POWER(!) of knowledge. *flip's the switch, Chronoplast responds with a 'FFFFBBBGGTTT!'* To know the fucking future, Razzy-shnazzy –

Raziel: Watch. Your. Goddamn. Mouth! Razzy-Shnazzy my ass…

Kain: -- to see it's roads and highways tracing out into the infinity-winity…infinite…of the infinite…bleh.

As a man (or woman…er…moving on!), I could never have contained such forbidden truths, that Method Man suck's as a rapper.

…But each of us (which is now two-no, three! Turel, remember?) is so much more than we once were. I mean, humans are EEEEDIOTS! Dont'cha feel how we have become like fuckin' GODS??-

Raziel: No.

Kain: Sure ya do! You can't die, right?

Raziel: Yeah-how did you know that? YOU STALKIN' ME OR SOMETHANG?!

Kain: No, no! Just shut the hell up, m'kay? Anyway, we be legion!...crowd…thing…MOVING ON-

Raziel: Stop saying that!

Kain: Hey! I get to say what I like, so SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU LITTLE BLUE SHIT!

Our futures are predestined-kinda like in a video game –

Raziel: This is a video game.

Kain: YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME, DO YOU?!  You must have watched the Matrix movies or played on your PS2 too much or something, CUZ THIS IS AS REAL AS HELL, SON! Is THIS real?! *he pick's up Harry Potter book five and throw's it at Raziel's head*

Raziel:  *gets hit in the head with the book so hard that it knocks him down ~ he quickly gets up* OW! Why you son of a…

Kain: Anyway, our futures are goddamn predestined. Moebius foretold mine aeons ago. He also told me that Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix would be out during 2003. *point's to the book he threw at Raziel* And he was actually right, too! Old bastard he was…And we each play out the parts fate has scribbled up for our asses-I mean us. Kinda like in a play! Free will is a friggin' illusion. So are those bendy mirrors in the circus. *throw's another switch*

Raziel: What the fuck are you fucking talking about?

Kain:  LANGUAGE! *Kain jump's down and slap's Raziel* Damn boy, you're slow! Seriously, if you lived back in my day when I was an ugly young lad your ass would have been so full of piles from that…

Raziel: I'M NOT RETARDED, AND IF YOU DON'T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT PADDLING YOU MOTHER FUCKER, I'M GONNA RIP YOUR UGLY ALBINO HAIR OFF AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR-

Kain: OK OK OK OK OK! *jump's back up* In my day if a boy defied his pops' they'd throw him in a well!…but then some stupid dog would come along trying to act like a hero. "Oh, little so-and-so is trapped down the well!"

Raziel: I found your mausoleum, Kain.

Kain: Really?! Is it still in good shape? Probably not, but…

Raziel: *slap's forehead* I MEAN I found the Tomb of Sarafan. Your dirty secret is-

Kain: Wasn't that cut out of this?

Raziel: Oh yeah, sorry. How could you profane a priest by turning him into a vampire-

Kain: Who's him?

Raziel: I mean me and the others.

Kain: Oh. *Raziel loses his patience and launches himself at Kain-who easily stop's Raziel in mid-air with one hand (show off), and holds him by the throat, at arms length* I always wanted to do this… *he suddenly stick's his tongue out* Neeeah-neeeah I'm stronger than you!

Raziel: Oh, now that's just plain immature.

Kain: Well this is a free country, isn't it? Like my momma always said, one must keep her friends close-and her enemies and sanitary napkins even closer.

Raziel: Uh…oh my god… X_X'

Kain: *eyes widen* Oh! Oh! I mean HIS! Yes, HIS! And forget the last thing I said! Just enemies, JUST ENEMIES! *Kain then effortlessly hurls Raziel to the lower floor of the chamber, then hurls himself* Aw crap, what a mess I've made! *He then jumps down, approaching Raziel's sprawled figure* Who better to serve me than those weirdoes whose passion transcends all notions of good and evil?

Raziel: Look you mother fucker, the friggin' Sarafan warrior-freaks were saviors, defending Nosgoth from Dr. Evil and Barney the Dinosaur-oh, and us too-

Kain: How about Martha Stewart?

Raziel: Yeah, her too. Anyway-my glowy wraithy eyes that the fan girls seem to go crazy about are opened, Kain-I keep finding junk mail in the so-called junk-free e-mail account you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse! *Raziel lunges at Kain. Kain evades the blow, but Raziel attacks again and pins Kain against the wall, his forearm to his throat.*

Kain: You may have discovered your cookie-wookie past, but you dun' know a thing, boy! Your hear me? Not a friggin' thing! All you know is that you died young and were a Sarafan, that's all. But do you truly believe that the Sarafan were noble hee-homs?

Raziel: *confused* What's a 'hee-hom'?

Kain: Oh you know, being complete goodie goodies and all high-and-mighty. *breaks Raziel's grip and sends him across the room ~ he laughs and moves toward the final dial* Don't be a fool. Their agenda…program, schedule, thing…was the same as ours! And so in other words, THEY WERE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE, KID! *freak face-ahem, I mean Kain throws the final switch. The arms of the Chronoplast device descend, and the portal flares to life…kinda like star gate!* You nearly had me, Raziel-

Raziel: No I didn't.

Kain: But this ain't where-or how-it ends. Mr. Fate promises more twists and popsicles before this drama unfolds completely. SEE YA! *skip's through the portal*

Raziel: Wait! I'm not finished with you yet, you bastard! *Raziel gets to his feet and races up the stairway. He pauses briefly, then leaps through the portal*

Elder God: Raziel…Raziel? Aw, CRAP.

Raziel suddenly find's himself in the middle of a road.

Raziel: Hey, where am I? *he look's at the logo of an empty cab* Kaufman Cabs? *A fat guy run's past him followed by a guy with a chainsaw*

Fat Guy: I pay you double, Tommy, DOUBLE!

Tommy: Quit your squealing, no one cares, fatso!

Raziel sees another portal open and he runs into it, hoping that he'd turn back in Nosgoth. Raziel finds himself floating in darkness, and hears an unfamiliar voice calling to him out of the ether. As Raziel drifts to the floor and the chamber coalesces, Moebius the Time Streamer steps out of the mist to greet him.

Raziel: I never knew I'd actually be glad to see you!

Moebius:

Rrrrrrrrraziel…

Rrrrrrrrredeemerrrrr and destrrroyerrr

P-p-p-prrrronoun and messagerrrr.

Gonichi wa, time-spanned soul.

Welcome…TO DISCOMANIA! *a disco ball appears on the ceiling, music plays, and Moebius begins to dance his butt off*

Raziel: X_x MOMMY!!!

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Hmm, Moebius and his Sarafan/Vampire Hunters disco dancers? What'll happen next?!

So that was the Prologue/Inrto FMV.

Well, review and tell me what ya think. Bye for now!