Sometimes life feels so surreal, so much like a dream that you question what is reality and what is fiction. I had been staying with Leo for a few months now, our relationship was slowly progressing. It seemed with each passing day we grew closer, we could read each other without words.
This realization came to me one afternoon; Leonardo and Raphael had been sparring. I had been reading one of Leo's books. It was old and about battle strategy. I wasn't really paying attention to the two men; I was too engrossed in my literature when a crash shook me. Raph had throw a chair, he and Leonardo where toe to toe, staring one another down. I wasn't even certain what had started the conflict, but the expressions on there faces made my stomach turn. I knew one of them was going to walk away with a scar if someone didn't do something.
I glanced around quickly but much to my disappointment remembered that everyone else was out. That was what had lead to the sparring match, the brothers had been bored. I could hear them both breathing hard, I could feel the tension, the anger. I felt the book drop from my fingers a small concerned noise leaving my throat that sounded like Leonardo's name.
I watched his attention waver. He turned his eyes falling upon me. My expression must have brought him back to his senses. I hated to see the two fight. I hated to see either hurt no matter what the reason. I watched Leo regain his control. He blinked at me a few times, in the background I could hear Raphael trying to say something to him, but he was lost to his brother. We captured one another.
"Forget it Raph." He glanced back at his brother as he started to walk away, towards me. Without any protest, or any actual demand from me, he had known what I had desired and he had listened. Out of respect to me. I let out a deep breath, feeling relief. Raphael growled, his temper still flared.
"What are you Leo a coward? Are ya just going to walk away from me?" Leonardo turned his head and shrugged to his sibling.
"What purpose will it serve for us to hurt each other?" Glancing back at me he had smiled at me. It was then a thought had struck me. It dawned on me just how much Leonardo did revere me. I struggled so continuously to live up to him. To make him proud of me and in that one moment, I knew that he already did regard me with value.
It had lead to a new chapter in our relationship. A very comfortable one. Ever sense the whole episode with Karai; I had been second guessing our bond. No matter how often others would tell me how important I was to Leonardo. I could never feel it in my own soul. That one exchange, which to so many others would seem insignificant, had opened my eyes to so much new understanding.
It was in this new ease that I faced my present situation. I had taken my turn doing the dinner dishes, drying them with help from Mikey and exited to the living room. Raphael was watching TV, Donatello was at his computer and Leonardo and Sensei were in the corner, quietly meditating together. Taking a deep breath I walked towards the rat and his pupil. I kneeled down beside the Turtle bowing to the rat. "Sensei may I have a moment of your time." I saw out of the corner of my eye Leonardo's eye fly open and look at me a bit baffled.
Splinter smiled softly at me. "You know I have stated many times that I am always willing to listen, if ever you need me to." He bowed his head and I returned the gesture. Beside me I could see Leonardo shift slightly, not certain what was about to correspond.
"I have been honored to be offered a place in your home Splinter-sama, but I am troubled by one issue." I took a deep breath, ready to face the one thing that had been weighing on my mind. Splinter looked at me curiously, his expression then falling on his son, who looked completely perplexed.
"What might that issue be child?" He considered my expression.
"I feel guilt, I have been staying with you for months and honestly I think it is unfair I have taken over Leonardo's room from him. Even though he would never admit it and never protest, I know he isn't sleeping as well as he could, being in the main room. I wish to humbly request from you a space of my own, so that I may give him his back?" I bowed again. I had been going back and forth for days at how to approach this subject. Originally I was just going to take it to Leo, but knew he would just proclaim that he was alright with the situation, that he wouldn't feel right disturbing me. I simply couldn't keep taking his room from him. While he would never admit it to anyone I knew he was missing out on rest that he needed. So I had decided to take the matter into my own hands and to present it to the source that would have to make Leo face the issue.
Next to me I could hear Leo hiss softly and I knew he was not pleased with me deciding to speak to Sensei on my own. Splinter glanced at his Son again before he spoke, gauging what he thought. "Is this true Leonardo?"
I watched him sit up straighter under his Master's gaze sparing a quick glance at me to say we would be discussing this in detail later. I held my ground and didn't waver because I knew I was right. "Lea worries too much for me Sensei. I have been fine and I enjoy knowing she is safe and comfortable in my room." His expression was blank, neutral. I fought to make my own the same to not betray my emotions.
"I could be just as "safe and comfortable" in my own room Leo." I turned to look at him, holding his eyes. I had assumed he would protest, he seemed to like having me stay in his room, but when I saw a look of actual annoyance in his eyes, I was taken aback a little surprised.
"Your request sounds very reasonable to me Lea." Splinter's was speaking to me but still watching his son. "I think it's something we could manage."
"Sensei!" I was surprised at Leonardo's tone. I was beginning to wonder what was eating at him so completely about this subject. "May I please speak with you in private for a moment on this matter?" He didn't look at me. I grew uncomfortable, sensing that he was actually angry.
Splinter though about this for a moment, studying us both before nodding. "Lea if you would retire to Leonardo's room for a bit. We will solve this matter as quickly as possible." Leonardo bowed his head to his Master and I rose, confused.
"Yes Sensei." I blinked unable to figure out what Leo had in mind. Splinter had agreed with me, how could he possibly argue against that. Without protest I walked back up to Leo's room and with confidence started to pack up my belongings figuring as soon as Leonardo was done speaking with Splinter we could start preparing a room for me. I sat on Leo's bad and admitted I felt a little sad. This room had really become a place of comfort to me, I didn't want to leave it, but knew I couldn't keep Leo out of it any longer.
It seemed like an eternity before there was a knock at the door. I called for the person to enter. I figured it was either Leo or Sensei and wasn't surprised when the Turtle strode in. "Don't pack your things." He looked at my bags which were becoming full again and I stared back at him flabbergasted.
"Leonardo, I refuse to continue to take your room from you." I stood my ground, my expression growing as annoyed as his had been earlier. He settled down next to me on his bed, looking around the room briefly.
"You won't." His tone was matter-of-fact and didn't elaborate at all at his meaning.
"What?" I grew baffled myself, my hands falling into my lap as I simply shook my head confused. His expression grew softer; reaching across the space between us his gently touched my face.
"We will share the room together. Sensei was…hesitant, but after I shared my conviction with him, agreed to allow us to." I blinked at him surprised. I could recall the few brief times we had been allowed to share a bed, they had been the most peaceful bouts of sleep I had ever had. Now I was presented with the chance to always share my nights with Leonardo.
"How did you…?" I looked at him, my expression completely grateful.
"Also." He raised an eye ridge interrupting my speech. "I would appreciate it, if you came to me with any issues you have first before presenting them to my father, please." He tried to appear stern, but I saw the smirk fighting to creep onto his face.
"Well I got my way, didn't I?" I grinned playfully at him. I had know as soon as I had decided to go to Splinter with the issue instead of Leo he wouldn't be very pleased. I was happy to see he could at least have good humor about it.
"You are naughty!" I squealed as he started to tickle me. His fingers playing along both my sides, roughly pushing me down, smiling as I protested and fought lightheartedly against him.
"Leo stop!" I could barely talk or even breathe between my laughing. Finally I felt his hands slow and he kissed me. My heart nearly hurt from the affection for him that coursed through me. He pulled away. Looking down at me with fondness.
"This is ours now…ours." His voice was soft as his eyes drifted around the room.
"That sounds prefect." His gaze fell back on me and he kissed me again.
When you are happy does time go by very slow or very fast? Sometimes it difficult to tell. You try to savor every moment, but in retrospect it seems like you accomplished nothing. I called my Grandparents one night and after a very long conversation with my Grandmother about my current living situation it became clear to me I would have to go home. Even if only for a short while, I needed to set my affairs in order and say a proper goodbye to my family. Now while common sense told me all these things, my heart ached at the thought of being away from Leonardo for even moments.
I could barely stand the nights alone while he patrolled. I admitted to myself I worried. I had every faith in him and his abilities and his brothers, but I hated his enemies. I had looked Saki in the face and saw the raw loathing he had for the man I loved.
Sensei had been teaching me how to play Go. More to keep my mind focused then anything. As we played and I watched the candle burn down the hour, I wondered how I could leave. How I could sit at home and not wonder what was happening in the city. To my other family.
"Your mind wanders child." Splinter's voice broke the silence of the stones hitting the board and my eyes glanced up. He could see right through me, I understood that now and never tired to hide anything from him.
"How do you not worry Splinter-sama? While they are gone?" I made my move, my black stone landing on the board with a dull noise. The rat sat his hands resting in his lap; play paused for a moment while he considered my question.
"I do worry in my own way." He nodded confirming this fact. "But I have great faith in my Sons as my Ninja." He paused reaching to the side to get his tea cup and drank, his stare still locked on me. "He will return to you. He would never allow anyone to part the two of you, he would do everything in his power to come back to you each night, you know that Child?"
It had stopped shocking me, the way Sensei seemly read my mind and I nodded weakly. "I try to remember that Splinter-sama. I honestly do, but sometimes, I can't help but worry I suppose." I hugged myself shifting in my sitting position, once again focusing on the candle to the left of me.
"Now what honestly troubles you, for that concern is not foremost on your mind." I allowed myself a small smile. Someday in my heart I knew Leo was going to drive me mad, when he got as good at understanding people as his father was.
"I need to go home Sensei." My gaze turned back to him. "Not for a long time, but I left my old life in a jumble without a proper exit. I need to return there so that I can set all of my pervious life into order, before I can completely let go and focus on my life here with all of you."
Splinter considered my words, blowing and sipping on his tea. "And you worry how this will affect my Son and that is why you hesitate to go?" I nodded the confirmation to him, sighing.
"You realize what you must do, correct?" I nodded again.
"I must go or else I won't find balance in my life here. And I must tell Leonardo and I must have faith in him correct?" I tried to sound strong, inside I still worried.
Splinter smiled this time, and reaching across the board, patted the side of my face. "All you must do Child is continue to love my Son, for he will continue to love you and everything else will fall into place." I felt my own mouth spread into a smile at his words and laughed lightly.
"You are correct as always Splinter-sama. Sometimes, I guess I do tend to over complicate things, don't I?" I bowed my head to him, grateful for his presence in my life.
Reaching into the container at his side he took a white stone and placed it on the board, smiling ruefully he raised his gaze considering my response. My eyes glanced over the playing field and I groaned lightly to myself. "I resign." I bowed my head again, seeing my defeat before me and realizing it would be foolish of me to continue rushing forward in the game. "Thank you for the game Sensei."
"Thank you for the game Lea." Splinter returned the bow to me, and rose dusting off his kimono. "I think now I may retire. I suggest you do the same at a convenient hour." He gave me a 'look'. I couldn't help but grin sheepishly.
"I will try Splinter-sama. I think I may wait up just a little longer to see if the guys return." He smiled softly to me as he bowed once again.
I returned the bow and watched the rat shuffle away off to his room. I collected all the stones from the Go board and placed the entire set away. The area now cleaned up I drifted over to the television area. Turning on the TVs I started to flip through channels. It was only a half hearted attempt, but I was pleased when I found the film Drunken Master on some late night Kung Fu show. Even with the horrible dub the movie was amusing to watch. It was nearing the middle when I heard the elevator doors opening and the sounds of the Turtles returning from patrol.
I turned looking to face the men as they entered. Mikey nearly came running in and rushed to the couch leaping over and landing a bit of a distance from me. I gave him a lopsided grin as his eyes sprung open. "Kung Fu goodness!" He cheered raising both arms into the air in mock victory. I shook my head lightly, still watching his brothers walk in.
Raph was grumbling to himself, maybe about Mike, maybe about there evening, but he stomped off, up towards his room and I didn't dare question his attitude. Don didn't look at me, but seemed to be dragging a little. He made his way over to his computer station and sat down, almost immediately losing himself in the bright screen. I felt my heart hurt, because I knew Melinda was still weighing heavily on his mind.
Leonardo was the last to enter. He seemed to be making certain his brothers got inside safely before himself. His gaze too followed Donatello, and I knew he was worried about him also. I think Leonardo really wanted to say something comforting to Don about Melinda's absence and maybe privately he already had, but it wasn't clear to any of us why Melinda hadn't contacted us in so long. Yet even gone she was affecting all of us. Our family was not complete without her.
Leonardo crossed the room also and much to my amusement leapt over the couch himself mimicking the moves his younger brother did earlier. He landed right next to me and bumped against me lightly smiling softly. "How was your night?" My heart felt warm as I turned to him, studying his face and expression.
"Good, Sensei wiped the floor with me at Go again." I chuckled and Leonardo smiled, laughing himself.
"Yay he does that to me all the time too." As he laughed I witnessed a light wince from his frame. It was barely noticeable if one was not used to his usual movements.
"Fight tonight?" I questioned, knowing he was either injured or sore. He sighed and touched my face lightly.
"Am I that obvious now?" The happy appearance he had been trying to portray for me faded and he allowed me to see his fatigue. I shook my head.
"You're never obvious, I just know you too well." I smirked cutely at him, asking him with a gesturing to turn around. He complied without protest and I started to massage his shoulders, my fingertips dipping in to lightly touch the soft skin inside his shell. He sighed deeply, lightly leaning back against my contact.
Behind us someone coughed. "You know you two do have a room now." Both of our heads turned at Mike's voice and I couldn't help but laugh at the look on his face. I had nearly forgotten the younger Turtle was there.
"Actually Mike, would you mind giving me some time alone with your brother, please? I have something I need to talk to him about." I had been going to wait until we went to bed to speak to Leo, but the mood between us was pleasantly relaxed at the moment and it seemed like a good time.
Mike pouted at me. "But TV!" He pointed at the screens across from himself whining. "I nearly felt guilty, but beside me Leonardo's voice rose.
"Michelangelo!" His tone was stern, I could feel his muscles tense underneath my hands and I knew he was wary because of my inquiry to speak to him.
"Fine, fine…" Mike rose very slowly, dragging his feet. "But you two owe me." Still pouting he slowly crept away.
There was a few moments of silence as we waited for Mike to be out of earshot, I continued to massage Leo's taunt frame, finally I simply leaned forward to lay my face against his shell, sighing. I wasn't certain how I wanted to approach this.
"Is something wrong?" My face didn't raise to see his expression but I could hear the concern in Leonardo's tone.
"Nothing is wrong per say" I chose my words carefully. "I just know what I am about to tell you, won't make you happy. I felt myself biting my lip, hesitating trying to word this, the best I could.
Leo shifted and I sat up looking at him, his expression was neutral, dead, he was uncertain how to react until he had garnered more information from me. "I will judge how it will make me feel. Please tell me." Emotion drained from his voice. I sighed already feeling guilt.
"Leo, its just, well, I need to go home." I watched his eye widen for the briefest moment in surprise at my declaration. "Not forever!" I quickly followed up on what I had said. "But at least a few weeks, my old life is in shambles. I have too many loose ends that need to be tied up before I can settle here."
He looked away, his expression still hidden from me. "What you are saying is sensible. Just be certain to stay safe and not do anything foolish." His voice was monotone.
I growled lightly, frustrated by the lack of his responds. "Leonardo you can't think I am silly enough to believe that just wiping your face of any expression will convince me there is nothing wrong. Please give me some credit!" I could feel the octave of my tone rising, I sat back giving him an incredulous look.
He didn't respond and the two of us sat there simply considering one another. I couldn't believe he would think he could block me out of his emotions like that. Like I didn't understand him at all. Our mood broke when we heard a noise from behind us. I turned to see Donatello shuffling at his computer. Trying not to listen to our conversation, but unable to not hear my raised voice. I cleared my throat suddenly embarrassed.
"Would you like to continue this conversation in our room?" This time it was my turn for my tone to be somber. I couldn't look at him; his emotionless expression was tearing at me.
"Fine." He rose and walked away. I couldn't even tell if he was mad or hurt but I followed, sparing a glance at Don. Our eyes met and the other Turtle looked away quickly. I hoped seeing Leo and I go through this didn't bring up too many bad memories of his own.
I shut the door behind me as I entered. Leonardo crossed the room swiftly and stopped in front of one of his bookcases, staring intently at it, like he was very interested in something to read. I sighed again flopping down on his bed.
"Talk to me Leonardo please?" My voice was hurt. I could take him being angry at me, but I couldn't take this emotionless wall he seemed to be trying to put up. It made me feel like he didn't want me to be close to him.
"What is there to talk about? I said your plan was sensible and it is. You need to do this. I understand." He still didn't look at me. I laid back on the bed, closing my eyes for a moment, trying not to give into the frustration that was eating at me.
"You may understand, but don't think I can't tell that you don't like it. Please Leo…" My eyes opened and I just lay on my side looking up at the Turtle across the room from me, pleading. "Can't you tell you are hurting me by pushing me away like this?"
I watched as the Turtle very slowly turned, he looked at me for a long time, before finally allowing his posture to relax. He sagged slightly crossing the room and falling next to me on the bed. He laid there just looking into my eyes; hesitantly he reached up touching my hair. "I'll miss you." His tone was uncertain and I knew it was hard for him to expose himself to me like this.
Leonardo was bushi, a true warrior. I never doubted this fact and while it gave him much strength it also at times presented hardships for our relationship. Leo was the type of man that had trouble showing weakness to anyone, even me and I know allowing me to actually see his pain, must have been one of the most difficult things he could have had to do.
"Leo…" My voice was soft. "It is tearing me apart thinking about even being away from you for one hour let alone a few weeks. I don't think the word "miss" will describe what I will be feeling being apart from you. You are the most important person in my life." His eyes widen slightly at my confession, and then grew soft. He leaned into me, kissing me and I accepted his mouth without protest.
For a long time we lay there, breath mingled, finding solace in knowing how important we were to each other. As our passion grew, the grip of Leonardo's arms around me grew tighter. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer; I gently grasped his wrist and directed his hand upwards and to my breast. I felt him freeze against me, as realization hit him of were he was touching.
I coaxed him, rubbing my body against his, perplexed by his hesitation. He didn't pull away, but still he seemed cautious about his actions with me. I wiggled away from him slightly and pulled my shirt over my head with a little effort, presenting my naked torso to him. I paused, our mouths no longer touching I licked my lips, looking up into his face with desire.
I heard him growl, a very low noise from the back of his throat. His finger tips teased the nipple of the breast he had just been clutching and I groaned out loud. Still he didn't make a move to do anymore. Even as I could see his eyes devouring my frame, presented to him without any remorse. I reached out caressing his face puzzled.
"Leo?" His name left my lips as a question. Did he honestly not desire my body; I couldn't understand why he seemed so reluctant to take this step with me.
"You see…" He began and paused, looking uncertain how to word what he was going to say next. "It's just…" He cleared his throat and sighed heavily. "I have never done anything like this before." His eyes stared across the room, like he didn't want to make contact with mine. "I don't want to look foolish."
A great weight left my shoulders. One so heavy, yet I was surprised that until this confession I hadn't fully realized was there. I seem to have built up a great amount of self doubt about my physical relationship with Leo, that when I finally understood, his hesitation was only an extension of his driving need for perfection, it nearly made me laugh.
"Leo" I think if I could have possible felt more affection for the befuddled looking Turtle my heart might have exploded. "What's important to me is that it's you and that you are touching me and knowing that we love each other. If you follow your instincts I know you will be amazing… You always are." My voice dropped on my last sentence, obvious desire in both my expression and tone, our gazes met and it was his turn to lick his lips with hungry.
"Is that so?" I heard his breathing grow ragged and my eyes closed as I felt his mouth and tongue touch my neck.
"I have complete faith in you." My voice was barely a whisper. His weight pushed me down to the bed and without regret we lost ourselves within each other.
Sleep seized us eventually, we exhausted each other and I laid in Leonardo's arms. More content then I had ever felt. Completely spent but so fulfilled. Drifting in and out of reality. I shifted as I felt movement and some part of my brain still thought I was dreaming. Yet as I woke more fully I realized that much to my shock I was feeling something and it was Leonardo and he was trembling.
I turned confusion written on my features, uncertain what was going on or why my lover appeared to be so suddenly upset. "Leonardo?" My tone was soft with heavy concern. He didn't seem to want to look at me but instead made a noise to show he had heard my questioning.
I slide back down on the bed, uncertain what was wrong and desperately wanting to make it right. I was always the one that was upset and Leonardo was my strong foundation. Now with our roles seemly reversed I tried hard to elude the same aura of strength that he always did for me. Softly I kissed his neck, the top ridge of his plastron, his chin; all the while my hands ran over his arms, my fingers dipping into the soft space between his shells. I felt him shutter at a touch that I knew he wasn't used to, but yet felt pleasurable to him. His trembling stopped and he moved slightly to catch my mouth with his, seizing it for a moment.
"What's wrong?" As we parted, I gently touched his cheek with one of my hands. His face lowered, his forehead touching to my own.
"I have never felt this much emotion for someone." His arms wrapped around me pulling me to him. "I hardly know how to contain it. How can you be so calm?" I felt him tremble a little again. "This did mean as much to you as it did me right?"
My first reaction was to feel slightly insulted that Leo would imply that our relationship wasn't as deep for me as it was for him, but I quelled that quickly. I think our lovemaking had meant different things to us. For me it had finally calmed me. I had been able to at last see the depth of Leonardo's love for me and it had put many of my concerns at ease. I now felt that we were together and that it was important to both of us equally.
On the other hand I think being together had finally forced Leo to face just how important I was to him. At present lying together naked in the dark, he had no more strong walls built up to hide behind. The very essence of the symbol he portrayed was to be aloof and guarded, yet here he was baring every part of himself for display for me. It wasn't just our bodies that had touched so intimately it was our souls.
"What we shared meant the world to me." My arms came up to wrap around his neck as I nuzzled closer to him. "But I trust you so completely now Leo, that is doesn't scare me anymore." My eyes flickered up to his and I could feel him absorbing every word that left my mouth. "I know I have many faults. I am whiney and a brat and no matter how much I try to be strong you will always have to protect me, but I love with you everything that is inside of me." "I felt tears brim in my eyes, flooding my vision as they stuck to me lashes. "I can't imagine a moment of my life now without you. Even when you are not near and touching me, thoughts of you will linger and stay in my heart. Love is a word that is throw around so often by so many people these days that I no longer even realized it would feel this way. Please don't confuse my calm for disinterest; it is simply a product of my faith in the man that means everything to me."
Leonardo lay for a long moment, just looking at me, considering my words. He kissed me again suddenly. I could almost feel his emotions brimming over, and not being able to express them with words as I just had he was going to show me how I made him feel. I accepted him with hesitation.
We didn't get any sleep for the rest of the night.
Coming back home had been one of the most difficult things I had ever done. I had decided to take a train so that Leonardo and I could go to the station alone. A few rooftops from my destination we had said our goodbyes. He never wavered in his solid shell, but whenever I wondered if he was feeling things as strongly as me now I could just look back on our nights together. In bed when Leo could drop all his pretenses.
I cried more then I thought I would. I felt stares for most of my trip. My family picked me up and even for my joy of seeing them again a tiny part of my felt empty. I had left my soul behind me in New York City and I wouldn't be complete again until I returned.
Leo and I talked often. I had, had a few issues with my bank and selling my car so it was taking me longer then I had anticipated. One evening during our conversation Leonardo broached the fact that he and his brothers were going up to Casey's farmhouse for training for a while. So that he might be difficult to reach. I could tell he was trying to set my mind at ease, but somehow when he told me this, something about his story made me feel uneasy. I tried to push back my worry, chided myself for being so silly and reminding myself that I should always have faith in Leo.
So then Leonardo disappeared from my life at home after that. I don't think Casey had a phone at the farmhouse so we no longer talked. Still I held in my heart how much I felt for him and finished up everything I needed to do so that I could go back to join him.
I was to the point where I was going to call the lair to see if anyone had been in contact with the guys when one evening my phone ran. I was overjoyed assuming it was Leonardo calling to tell me he was home now. When I lifted he receiver was taken by surprise when it was instead Melinda. She sounded upset, I was confused.
"Lea…" Her voice was so serious. "I have something I need to tell you."