It was December 29th and Illya was alone in his East Village apartment staring out the window at the snow that had fallen overnight in the City. It muffled the sounds of Manhattan which usually reached his floor. In the distance, he could hear a sanitation truck plowing its way down Second Avenue. This is not what I had in mind for this week.
He looked at his coffee table that sat in front of his couch. Books surrounded it; piles sat underneath it, on either side of it and piled a foot high upon it. One pile had a jewelry box atop it. He rolled his eyes in disgust at the sight of it. Stupid, stupid, stupid! This is the pain I deserve for allowing love and friendship to penetrate the barriers it took me years to erect!
His mind still boggled at how quickly things had gone badly. When April, Mark, Napoleon, and he were summoned to Mr. Waverly's office on the 23rd, he was certain they were being sent out of town on some affair. They were all shocked when the Old Man spoke.
"Lady and Gentlemen," he had said, "It would appear that the unofficial official Christmas truce with THRUSH has started. There has been no chatter of any kind in any part of the world. Therefore, I have decided to give my two top teams some much deserved vacation time."
April had gasped in shock. "You're giving us Christmas off?" she asked in disbelief.
"Through New Year's, Miss Dancer. As long as the truce holds, of course, and right now, things are looking good."
Napoleon smiled broadly at that and said, "Well, even the Central Committee needs time to rest and regroup."
"Quite. Your leave starts at close of business today and barring unforeseen circumstances, I will expect you back to work on January 3rd. Keep your communicators handy. That is all." He spun his chair around and picked up a file folder, effectively ending his meeting.
"Yes, sir," the agents responded in unison as they stood to leave. They maintained their dignity as they strode past Miss Rogers' desk into the corridor and at the elevator bank. When one arrived, Napoleon extended his hand for April and the others to go ahead of him.
He blocked the three clerks who had been waiting from entering. "Sorry," he said using his CEA tone, "Section II business." He stepped inside and glared at them until the door closed. "Can you believe it? We have an actual holiday vacation!" He thumped his partner on the back while April and Mark hugged in celebration.
The Russian glowered at Napoleon. "That is no reason to break my back!" he snapped, but he glanced at April and winked and got a smile in return. "I will call you later," he said.
"I'd like that, Illya," she replied.
When the elevator stopped on their floor, the teams exited and headed for their respective offices. Napoleon and Illya sat at their desks to finish their paperwork. After about an hour, Napoleon looked at Illya and asked, "Have you given any thought to what you're going to do?"
"I have, but no plans have been made. Have you?"
"Absolutely! I'm going to pick up Aunt Amy and spend tomorrow and Christmas with my parents. We haven't been together for Christmas in years."
Illya stared at him. "Did I miss something? When did you speak to your parents?"
"Mom called a few nights ago and suggested exactly that, but I was so sure we'd be working I begged off. I'll call Aunt Amy tonight to let her know I can make it. She was going in any event, but now I'll drive and surprise Mom and Dad. You are more than welcome to join us. My parents haven't seen you in years."
"Thank you, but no thank you. I plan to ask April to spend Christmas with me."
"Whoa, that's a big step, Partner. Are you ready for that?"
Illya grinned. "I do. I think we both are. I too thought we would be working, so I had bought her a gift and a card to give to her after the holidays. It will be nice to be able to give it to her on Christmas. I, I have never bought a woman a gift before. I hope she likes it."
"Me, too. Listen, I'll be back in town on the 30th. Let's get together for dinner that night. We can exchange gifts then."
"Who said I bought you anything?" Illya teased. "All right, fine. I will see you then."
Later that evening, he had called April and asked if she wanted to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together and she said yes.
Christmas Eve was wonderful! We went out to dinner and then walked around Mid – town to see the window displays. We made love…He could feel his eyes start to sting again and he stepped away from the window.
He went into the kitchen and poured himself a large glass of vodka. He had just taken a big swig of it when he heard Napoleon's coded knock. His first thought was to just ignore it, but he knew his partner would not leave and would eventually use his key to enter. He walked to the door, turned off the alarms and opened it. "What are you doing here, Napoleon?"
"April called me."
"So now my humiliation is complete. What did she tell you?"
Napoleon took Illya's glass, sniffed the contents and then handed it back before going into the kitchen to get ice and scotch to fix his own drink. As he sat on the couch he said, "Well, she didn't tell me she humiliated you. She said she upset you, you left and she was concerned about you. Why don't you tell me what happened? Please?"
The Russian raised his glass and drank half the liquid remaining in it. "I have made a fool of myself, I have alienated April and I have…" Napoleon was astonished to see tears standing in his partner's eyes. "I have," he continued, "succeeded in ruining my life." He swiped his tears quickly.
"My God, Illya," Napoleon whispered, "What happened?"
"We had gone out Christmas Eve and I had gone home with her. We were in bed…we made love…it was wonderful. I looked at the clock and realized it was after midnight. I told her I wanted to give her the card and present I had for her. I retrieved them from my jacket pocket. I handed her the card first, she read it and smiled. Then I handed her the gift. It was an eighteen-carat gold bracelet with accent leaves made of diamonds."
"Sounds pretty."
"It is. It is in that box on top of my books."
Napoleon was shocked. "April gave it back to you?"
"Not as first. She was thrilled with it though she said I should not have spent so much. She kissed me and one thing led to another. It was…even better than the first time. We were lying there afterward. I felt so at content, happy and at peace. Without thinking, I blurted out, 'I love you.'"
"Oh, Illya. What did she say?"
"She moved away and stared at me. 'Oh, darling,' she said, 'You can't mean it!' I did not wish to lie, so I replied, 'I do.' She sat up and said, 'We can't be in love. It was so easy to take up with you because I thought you understood that. Illya, as much as I don't want to, I can't continue to see you and I can't accept your gift. I'm sorry.'" He sobbed once before catching himself. "She said she was sorry!"
Napoleon put his glass down on the floor. "Come here, Partner," he said as he moved to pull the smaller man into a hug.
Illya jerked away. "I do not want your pity! She should not have called you! I am such a fool!"
"April called me because she was worried and she thought I should know so I could call and check on you. Aunt Amy had just told me that she had decided to stay with my folks for another week, so coming home a day early was no big deal. And lastly: You are not a fool, you're my partner and you don't get pity from me. Ever." This time when he reached for the blond, there was no resistance. He hugged the Russian to him and said, "I'm so sorry things worked out that way, Partner." When he felt Illya's arms come around him he said, "I know it doesn't do much to ease your hurt, but I love you, my brother. That will never change."
Hearing those words spoken so sincerely caused the Russian to break down and let the hurt he was feeling flow out of his eyes. Once he got himself back under control, he mumbled, "Thank you. I love you, too," before letting go. He got up and went to the bathroom where Napoleon could hear him splashing water on his face.
Moments later, he returned. He had a determined look on his face that hadn't been there before. "I have decided that I am going to bury all of this; April not loving me does not matter. I would not have been hurt, I would not have been crying like a child if I had not allowed my emotions to be resurrected. That will not happen again."
Napoleon stood up to go. "You know I will support you in anything you do, but I think you're wrong to cut yourself off like this."
"It is better to read about romance and love than to live it. I have my books and that is enough."
"I promised you when you first began seeing April that I would not interfere and I won't, but both of you are my friends and I don't like seeing either one of you in pain." He headed to the door. "I hope it works out; I'll be back tomorrow so we can go to dinner. Good night." He walked out and headed down the stairs to the front door. "I hope they can find their way back to each other."
I Am a Rock
A winter's day
In a deep and dark
December
I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock
I am an island
I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island
Don't talk of love
But I've heard the words before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries