The Land of Milk and Honey
Summary: Audrey feels like she's going crazy when really she's spiralling into an unforgiving rut. Will she ever work it out, or will she push everyone away to make space for her runaway thoughts? The story follows her final years at Hogwarts as she falls in love with a marauder and even deeper into depression. Contains some LilyxJames and I'm avoiding clichés like STI's. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own Audrey, and other Ocs however the Harry Potter universe and all the characters you recognise belong to the fantastic JK Rowling.
Rating: T for now, but may change.
Audrey was awoken sharply by a shrill ringing from her bedside table. With a feeble slap and a hissed curse, it fell silent. She slumped back onto her pillow, sighing with the stress of another day. The hurried movement from the other side of her hangings was an irritating reminder that she needed to be up and getting ready although she longed for more time alone among the covers. Later, she promised. She had enough time to savour her last minutes of comfort.
The other girls were giggling and talking, though Lily was shrieking above the rest, apparently searching for her school skirt. Debbie had probably departed for breakfast before any of them were even awake as she seemed to operate on no sleep whatsoever.
Audrey wondered whether she should make an effort to let Lily know where her missing clothing was but at that moment, the hangings were ripped aside ruthlessly and sunlight blinded her.
"Gah!" She cried, shielding her face from the window and retreating yet further under her duvet.
Lily peered at her, worry evident from the crease in forehead.
"In the corner, under the curtains," Audrey muttered dully. She was still hiding her eyes but there was a pause where Lily was presumably going to ask about it. Quickly, Lily regained her previous briskness and provocatively cheery attitude.
"Thanks Sunshine!" She grinned and ruffled Audrey's hair. Audrey groaned and shuffled upwards so her face was visible.
"Aren't you coming to lessons?" Lily asked, wiggling on the skirt she had retrieved, wrinkling her nose in mild disgust at the creases. Audrey shrugged.
Lily laughed," Okay then, but you probably want to decide in the next 5 minutes so you have time to get a brush through your hair."
Audrey swallowed slowly. Esme and Michelle had already left, though she had hardly noticed the room grow quieter.
"I could tell them that you're ill," Lily suggested kindly. Again, Audrey shrugged, but inside she was eager for the opportunity of solitude.
With misplaced sympathy Lily commented," You look terrible."
"I think I'll stay up here," She said quickly, a catch in her throat, and a half hearted cough for emphasis. Lily spared her a brief wave, grabbed her bag and left. And that was it.
She was finally alone but the relief she had expected wasn't there. She felt hollow, and with a strange resentment, she began to dissect their exchange. Audrey wouldn't describe herself as particularly insecure or paranoid, but she couldn't shake off the feeling that Lily was happier to leave her behind. Though her morning memory was vague, Audrey could recall acutely how eager her friend had been to leave without her.
She squeezed her eyes shut, biting her lip into the pillow and told herself firmly that she was being stupid. She wasn't ignorant of her tendency to overanalyse but her self doubt was not enough to stop her doubting Lily's friendship. It was not entirely implausible that Lily was finally growing tired of her and making more time for other friends.
With that realisation and a vaguely familiar sense of loss, Audrey lay restlessly in her bed, sleep continuing to evade her.
"Audrey?" Lily stuck her head around the door, flinging her bag onto the floor. Audrey looked up, startled. She was still in bed, hugging her pillow to her chest, and knees drawn up and surrounded by a mass of duvet. She looked very small under all the bedding, and pale.
"You alright?" Lily asked.
Audrey smiled, and nodded.
"You haven't even washed or done your hair!" Lily exclaimed. She nodded sheepishly, and cracked a grin.
"You dirty girl!" Lily said playfully. Audrey made an indistinct, pathetic sound in the back of her throat and then hiccoughed a laugh.
"So, are you ever going to leave?" Lily asked, propping herself up against the headboard.
"I should probably get up tomorrow," Audrey said carelessly and Lily nodded fervent agreement.
"You missed out on the funniest thing ever!" She giggled. It was clear how much she wanted to explain it all so Audrey let her continue. As she lay back onto the pillows, she was told all about how Jacob Gibberfin and Casper Egorov had been fighting while the rest of the school speculated whether it had anything to do with an ex-girlfriend named Helen and all about the Marauder's latest prank which was supposedly beautiful in its simplicity. Audrey could believe it. The marauders were infamous for their pranks. Although they occasionally pushed the borders of good taste, they were always a good laugh.
"Audrey, are you listening?" Lily demanded, prodding her in the ribs. Audrey winced.
"Yeah, I am," She reassured her friend. She felt worse than before. She regretted not attending lessons earlier but she couldn't help but feel she wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as Lily made it out she would.
"So then Sirius let it fall, and within minutes, we were all covered in this snowy stuff and no idea how it got there!"
Audrey frowned," Then how did you know he let it fall? You must have known it came from the ceiling."
"Well, I only know now because James told me on the way back to the common room," She clapped her hand over her mouth, biting her lip," I wasn't meant to say anything!"
Audrey snorted with laughter," Why were you walking back with James?"
Lily coloured slightly," He took responsibility for it instead of Sirius. Isn't that brilliant?"
Audrey nodded half-heartedly but Lily's own enthusiasm meant she noticed little else.
"Anyway, I offered to take him to the Head Office for detention but later I convinced Carla to let me do the detention. That way he doesn't have to actually do it since it wasn't really his fault," Lily finished breathlessly, looking decidedly pleased with herself.
"Isn't that a lot of paperwork to bullshit?" Audrey wondered. Lily waved her comment aside. Audrey looked down under her scrutiny.
"Come on then," Lily prompted.
"What?"
"Why are you in such a grump? I thought that would cheer you up."
"Sorry!" She said earnestly," I didn't mean to take my bad mood out on you."
"What wrong?" Lily asked, concerned.
"Nothing," Audrey sighed. Lily looked at her closely, raising an eyebrow in that sceptical way of hers.
"Honestly!"
After her day of dozing, Audrey found it near impossible to sleep when darkness fell.
She hopped out of bed and pulled a blanket around her bare shoulders. The first frost was clinging to the window pane and beyond it, Audrey could make out the murky outline of the Forbidden Forest in the darkness. A pale half-moon illuminated the grounds where flickers of light from the windows of sleepless Hogwartians cast shadows across the lawn. She crept downstairs to the Common Room which she found empty to her relief. It was colder than she had expected. The window had been carelessly left open and there was an icy draft.
She shuffled closer to the fire rather than shut the window herself and watched the dancing flames with transfixed, heavy eyes. The heat was lulling her to sleep when the Common Room door opened with a muffled bang. Peter Pettigrew staggered into view, grimacing at the colourful protest by the Fat Lady who clearly was no pleased with this mistreatment.
"You should apologise," Audrey said suddenly with the desired effect. Peter dropped his packages in his surprise, an awkward expression of childlike guilt on his face.
"You know she doesn't like it rough," She reproached him laughingly.
"Oh, Audrey. Hi," Peter sagged in relief, pausing to wipe his face with his sleeve.
"You alright?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just couldn't sleep," She explained. He nodded and she noticed for the first time the way his keen eyes darted to the girls dormitories and back again.
"Are you alright?" Audrey said with some degree of concern.
"Fine," He assured her, still fidgeting. She raised her eyebrows in obvious disbelief.
"I thought you were Lily," He admitted with a sheepish grin.
"How many times do I have to tell you? She's not scary, she's lovely when she's not yelling at you!" Audrey cried with hilarious exasperation. He shrugged helplessly in response.
"It's a lost cause," She declared. She noticed his fallen goods, which now lay in a monumentous pile around his feet. She clambered over the sofa and grabbed the scattered packets of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, Chocolate Éclairs and Talking Sugar Dice and returned them into his grateful hands.
"Peter, I'm really in the mood for something sugary," Audrey began in an equally sweet voice. Peter sighed theatrically.
"Audrey Wallis, would you like a sweet?" He asked eventually, making a show of his proposal. Her hands twitched for the bag and she rummaged around until she found some mint fudge. It was love at first sight, and her new craving was so sudden in shocked her. She beamed at him, and he hesitated.
"I wouldn't take that," Peter advised uncomfortably," Sirius is unhealthily obsessed with that stuff, and I really think he'll have my head if I don't get it to him."
Audrey clutched the packet to her chest, biting her lip.
"Oh give over, Pete!" She implored, attempting to look as pathetic as she could manage. He seemed to be fighting an internal battle, shown plainly in his distressed face. She giggled.
He shot her a filthy look.
"Fine," He grumbled," Have it."
"Thankyou! Thankyou!" She squealed, throwing her arms around his neck, so once again the poor boy dropped his feast. She dropped to her knees and helped him gather his things, the mint fudge between her teeth, exposed in a wide smile.
"Sirius will kill me," He warned," Are you ready to have that on your conscience?"
"A strong, brave man like yourself, Peter? I'm sure you'll survive," Audrey said with cheerful indifference to his imminent doom, clapping him heartily on the back. He snorted with laughter.
"He'll hurt you," He added in a final attempt to change her mind.
"Hurt a girl? I don't think so," She sang dismissively. He shook his head, exhaling noisily.
"Thanks," She called before dashing up to her own dormitory, strangely elated while Peter trudged up his respective staircase.
"Coming to breakfast?" Lily asked, characteristically chirpy.
"Yep, give me a second to find my shoe," Audrey called from under the bed. Lily nudged her bum with a toe, causing Audrey to squeak in shock, and hit her head off the rough wooden framework. She wriggled out, unsuccessful in her search.
"Boots it is," She sighed, pulling them on as her stomach gave a loud rumble.
"Alright, we'd better go before you starve," Lily smiled wryly. She grabbed a scarf to wrap around her neck and protect her from the more exposed areas of the castle in the February wind. She leapt down the stairs two at a time and promptly crashed into James Potter. She landed with a painful yelp on the rough carpet.
"Ow," Audrey gasped, still winded and looking considerably more dishevelled than before.
"Sorry," James groaned from beside her, propping himself up on his elbows as she repacked her bag in a great hurry.
"Sorry," She echoed quickly.
Audrey looked up through her wild hair to see Lily standing above them, snickering quietly to herself. She clambered to her feet, violently tugging her skirt down to an acceptable length. She adjusted her tights and ran her fingers nervously through her hair, shaking her head as if to right it.
James pulled himself up with a broad smile.
"Good start, ladies," He announced. Lily rolled her eyes, smiling widely herself.
"Bodes well for the rest of the day," Audrey agreed.
Lily threaded her arm through Audrey's and steered her towards the door.
"Coming?" Audrey asked James but he refused as he was apparently still waiting for his friends. Audrey's stomach gave another loud rumble and she burst out laughing.
"Alright, later!" Lily called, and the two skipped away to the Great Hall.
It was later while devouring her waffles that Audrey finally had to face Sirius Black. He strode into the Great Hall with striking presence so she noticed him immediately. Arms swinging casually by his side, he wandered over to the farthest end of the Gryffindor table.
"Oi, Wallis!" He said in mocking accusation, joining the two girls on their bench and grabbing a plate of sausage rolls. He munched them and swallowed.
"Her name is Audrey," Lily interjected.
"I know," Sirius explained patiently, turning to Lily," I'm simply expressing my displeasure. Audrey here, seems to have upset me"
Lily turned to look at Audrey curiously, but Audrey only blinked innocently.
"She stole my fudge!" Sirius cried louder than intended. The 2nd years threw him a startled glance as if he were a madman.
"It was very nice," Audrey said mildly as she was very antagonistic and took a childish delight in winding people up. It was strange speaking to him when they had rarely spoken before. Lily was friends with almost everybody in the year, but Audrey had never made much of an effort to talk to others. She sometimes talked to Peter, and less often James. Other than that, she relied mainly on the Gryffindor girls for company.
"And that is just cruel," He wailed. His dramatics were drawing her unwanted attention but she tried not to show how flustered she was that people were staring dubiously at the pair. He relished in the attention, winking at them, leaving some entertained, and others hopelessly embarrassed. Jacob from Hufflepuff looked away immediately, cheeks flaming and clearly mortified. Sirius laughed to himself.
Her eyes met his over the breakfast table for a second. Her tips tugged into a smile but she shook her head at his earlier stunt. Perturbed by his unabashed staring, she looked away and pulled her hair behind her ear. He surveyed her for another second before he smiled in return.
He smirked and leant across the table as if divulging a great secret and Audrey found that she was eager to know what he might say.
"I'll get you back for that!" He whispered and she could feel his warm breath on her face.
She let out a tiny gasp of air, quickly pulling back from him. It was set up to be a disappointment but she had observed Sirius' way of enchanting an audience. She had always marvelled at the easy manner in which he altered the mood of a room.
"Ah, well I'm glad you don't hold a grudge," She said sarcastically.
He stood up, grabbed the last of her waffles before she even had time to wonder what he could do to her and grinned.
"This'll do."
After a late night drinking in their dormitory with Esme and Michelle while (Debbie served detention with Michael Young, the Head Boy, and conveniently enough, her boyfriend) and another mad rush to get ready in time for school, the girls trooped downstairs, tired beyond belief.
"Potions first," Esme grunted.
"Oh great," Debbie muttered, pouting like a spoiled child.
"Just because Mike's not in Potions," Esme huffed. Debbie frowned, but didn't retort.
"No more drinking," Michelle announced, applying yet another coat of mascara while walking. A feat to be envied, Audrey thought, wincing at her own half-hearted effort while passing her reflection in a window.
Michelle rubbed under her eyes where she had done a pitiful job of disguising the bags which was clearly causing her a great deal of distress. She groaned loudly as she stopped by a mirror, patting her hair back to perfection. Debbie fidgeted, with a nervous eye on the time.
"Don't worry, dear," The mirror said soothingly. Michelle looked faintly surprised then a little cheered up. Esme grunted again, but it was impossible to tell what she meant by it.
"No more drinking?" Audrey piped up, having just registered what had been said. Audrey was fairly confident, even a little bit strange if she loosened up but she loved letting her inhibitions go with her mates. She shared almost everything with Lily, but strangely, it was when she was inebriated that she felt closest to the others.
"No," Michelle said firmly," Have you seen my skin?"
Audrey glanced at her face, and shrugged.
"What's wrong with it?"
"A spot!" Michelle exclaimed angrily, prodding it viciously with her wand, which gave a warning whistle. Audrey raised her eyebrows. Okay, Michelle had a spot on her chin, not that she would ever tell her friend that. Not the end of the world, she mused.
Lily dashed to catch up with them, her hair flying madly behind her like a fiery veil.
"Guys, we have Potions!" She called.
"We know!" Audrey and Esme said in unison. Lily joined them, breathless from running.
"We'll be late," Debbie said pointedly, taking markedly longer strides than the rest of them.
"Ah, but we have Lily," Audrey said with a smirk. Debbie allowed herself to laugh like the others, albeit a little anxiously.
As Debbie had predicted, they were late, and as Audrey had predicted, Slughorn didn't particularly mind. They shuffled awkwardly through the door and Audrey could only thank Merlin that the class was chatty and loud to distract from their less than tidy appearance.
"Come on, girls!" He said gruffly, waddling to the cupboard to fetch them the right books.
"Sorry!" Lily said so earnestly that all thoughts of punishment were banished from his brain.
"Mind you're on time tomorrow!" He reminded them with a wink and a hearty laugh. Lily and Debbie beamed at him which seemed to make the potions professor puff up with pride. Audrey shared a bewildered look with Michelle. Esme was already slumped in her seat, head lolling unattractively on the desk.
Audrey grabbed Lily and pulled her to a seat.
"Oh, are we sitting here?" Lily asked, with surprise. Audrey racked her brain to think what she could have suggested that seemed so strange to Lily. This class never sat in assigned seats.
Only the marauders who had permanently placed themselves in the far corner, where Audrey could always hear raucous laughter which made her constantly paranoid that there was something wrong with her.
"Well, we can sit somewhere else..." Audrey began unsurely.
"No, here's fine," Lily said, dumping her bag with no more than a brief glance across the room. Audrey followed suit, biting her lip. For the rest of the lesson, she only spoke to discuss the work, although she did none herself and all her thoughts that she usually felt a need to voice to Lily, she didn't.
They were both tired, Audrey decided but she was still plagued by a wild train of thought. Why was Lily acting so strange? She couldn't shake off the feeling that she had done something wrong but she couldn't begin to think of what it was. Was Lily drifting away from her? Maybe she should stop saying things like that and check what Lily wanted to do... it was too confusing. Audrey was suddenly a lot more tired than before.
Thanks for reading!
I would love any suggestions or criticisms, but please stay constructive. I'm also in need of a Beta, if anyone's interested.
Any questions, just message, but please take the time to review!
I haven't written in a long time, but Audrey's been in my head for awhile.
I'm not usually a fan of OCs as main characters but I needed a space to create her story, and I'm a massive fan of Lily/James so I figured I could work her around it.
I understand that depression is a complex issue and that people can have very different experiences of it but unless you feel I have told major lies or completely misrepresented Audrey, please remember this is her story.
Much love,
TaxiLights xx