It was high noon. McCree was on the internet, browsing his Facebook timeline. He saw some photos that he liked, so he made sure to make sure the posters knew, leaving a like.
Suddenly he noticed a post that was rather odd. Or rather, an ad.
Club Penguin: Waddle Around and Meet New Friends!
Waddle around and meet new friends? McCree thought. He eyed his laptop screen, which was illuminating his dark room. He could always use some more friends.
He clicked the ad, and it directed him to a very strange website. Welcome to Club Penguin! read the headline on the site. Below it were some very strange looking, colorful penguins dressed in flashy clothing, and below the penguins was a button.
PLAY NOW! read the button.
"Don't mind if I do!" said McCree joyfully, pressing it. He decided he would stop talking to his computer.
He created his penguin, making it orange because it reminded him of the great times he had, watching the sun as it set in the west, atop his trusty horse, who was dead now. He lowered his cowboy hat in memory of her and the way she would throw off any other man who would try to climb on top of her. Many had died in this way.
He decided to make his password "Justice" because that was what he believed in. Unfortunately, it wouldn't let him do the same with his Penguin Name. Apparently that Penguin Name was taken. But he was glad, because that meant another in the world also believed in the same thing as him... He shed a tear, thinking about how beautiful it was. But what would he name his penguin?
After trying to name it Justice for the 3rd time, he noticed the message that told him it was already taken was also enlightening him with some handy new names to use. And so, with pride, he bestowed upon his penguin the blessed title Justice87384.
After a few more struggles and password changes due to his name and password being too similar, he finally made his penguin.
He went through the tutorial. As more and more cartoony penguins appeared on his screen and showed him how to Waddle Around and Meet New Friends, he realized there was a feeling in his heart: a feeling of joy, and fulfillment. He realized this new online game filled him with more joy than being a vigilante...
A few hours passed. Someone knocked on his door. Who was in his house?! "Come in," he said.
Mercy appeared in the doorway, her armor, which was on for some reason, now a beacon of light in the room. McCree shielded his eyes. "Have mercy, Mercy!" he cried.
"Jesse, I'm making dinner and I wanted to know- what are you doing?" Several cans of cowboy brand soda were strewn across the room. The carpet floor, once beautiful and pristine, was now stained with grease, soda, and Luci O's.
In the center of the room was an unkempt, greasy pile of blankets.
But the first thing that Mercy noticed as she walked closer was the smell. It assaulted her nose like justice raining from above, except this was far from justice and the comforting scent of rain was one she could only long for when faced with this trial.
It smelled like a wet horse, which was wearing socks that were also wet. It was disgusting.
"J-Jesse...?" she murmured, approaching the blankets.
McCree looked up at her from under them. "Howdy, Mercy," he said, because he was a cowboy.
There was silence as they stared at each other. Mercy looked at his laptop screen and noticed the little cartoony penguins waddling around and meeting new friends. She looked towards the top of the screen. CLUB PENGUIN was the title of the strange website. Interesting...
Before McCree could explain to her in detail what he had been doing, Mercy excused herself and escaped his terrifying chamber.
What on earth was that? she thought. What was Jesse doing? And why am I in his house? Why am I making dinner for him? She decided not to question herself any more as that raised plot complications, and headed to the cowboy store to find whatever variety of food cowboys eat.
Meanwhile, McCree, though slightly mystified by his friend's strange behavior, still persisted to Waddle Around and Meet New Friends. In fact, he was making a friend right now! Her name was KittyGirl2002 and she thought saying "howdy" and unnecessarily replacin' every "ng" with "n'" was funny, original, and clever. As someone who shared the same opinion, McCree was very excited to be getting along with his new online friend.
"Hey darlin," he typed very slowly, using one finger to carefully press each key, "what do you think of my new black belt?" He had spent 2 hours battling the other penguins in Card Jitsu for it, and now he was proudly showing it off on his otherwise nude penguin. Anxious for a reply, he leaned in closer to the screen and took another sip of his cowboy brand soda. KittyGirl2002 was silent for exactly 4 minutes. Then…
"meet ur crush at my iggy" she said.
"May I ask what is an Iggy?" he asked.
"No" said at least 3 penguins, including his "friend." What was this… betrayal! He had seen enough of it in the real world, but it had to follow him wherever he went, didn't it?! Well, McCree reckoned he was fed up with their toxicity and used the MAP to teleport to the Iceberg.
He also decided to remove KittyGirl2002 from his Friend List, but as he opened up the menu that showed her brightly dressed penguin, he noticed a badge in the bottom left that was vaguely golden and shaped like a badge. What could it be? He clicked it, and another menu opened up, advertising something new that piqued his interest.
"Membership…" he murmured to his insentient laptop.
-
1 WEEK LATER
"Everyone, this is urgent. The reason I've called you all here today is… I have not seen Jesse, that is, Jesse McCree, come out of his house in a week!"
All the Overwatch heroes groaned as they sat together at some kind of futuristic conference table, Mercy pacing in front of them. Their reactions to this devastating information were mixed.
"Really, Angela? What happened?"
"Does this matter, like, at all?"
"... Maybe he died."
"Trust me, he isn't dead...yet. HAHAHAA!" They all shared a good laugh, except for Mercy, who was very annoyed by Reaper's insensitive remark.
"I'm telling you, this is a very serious issue! But I know exactly what's happened to him," she said. Facing all of them in the front of the generic conference room, her piercing eyes pierced their own. It was like that one time on Halloween when a bunch of teenagers' vampire costumes were a little too good and Reaper thought they were real vampires and tried to pierce them with wooden stakes to the heart, and Mercy had to deal with it. Perhaps her gaze was even more piercing than the stakes to the heart on that night. It was with this especially piercing gaze that she addressed the room at that moment.
"Jesse has become addicted to Club Penguin."
"Club… Penguin?" inquired one irrelevant hero.
"Yes…" Mercy sighed. "Club Penguin. It is a highly addictive online game about penguins. You can interact with other penguins that are actually other real players, and become their friend, and visit… their iggies!"
At her words, the group collectively gasped in horror as they began to realize the true gravity of the situation. Club Penguin was truly a compelling game. It was no wonder their companion McCree had fallen victim to its clutches.
After 2 hours of careful planning, they came up with a perfect plan to save McCree from himself. It went like this: Mercy, as the main character, would take McCree out to dinner or something, which would remind him of his humanity, which would naturally end his addiction to Club Penguin as that was the only logical conclusion. Everyone had to agree that this was the best plan ever and that it was perfectly thought out.
So that day, at about 4:20 pm, Mercy set out to McCree's house. After climbing in through the window, she approached his room. The wet horse smell was even stronger now, and she could barely resist the urge to recoil, turn the other way, and run home whilst crying. But a hero's resolve never dies, so she didn't.
Bracing herself for what she was about to witness, she opened the door. But no matter how much she had braced herself before, nothing could prepare her for the sight before her eyes.
The mess and stains of before were now gone, but this was arguably worse. The cowboy brand soda cans, once all over the floor, were now stacked in the shape of a penguin in the corner. The walls were completely covered in Club Penguin posters. Resting by McCree's pillow was a variety of penguin plushies such as pink fairy penguins, cowboy penguins, and ninja penguins. In the 2 bookshelves that Mercy could not remember ever seeing in his house before were multitudes of Club Penguin official books, comics, and guides. And in the center of it all, thoroughly occupied with his laptop, was McCree.
To put it shortly, it was atrocious.
Mercy waded through the great ocean of "puffle" plushes and faced him.
He looked up at her. "Mercy!" he exclaimed. "How did you get into my house?"
"That doesn't matter, Jesse," said Mercy. "I think there's a problem here that we need to address immediately."
"What? Is it my penguin's outfit?" At this, she took a look at the orange penguin featured on a menu on McCree's laptop. It was mainly dressed as a cowboy, but wearing a black belt and holding maracas for some reason. "Watch this," said McCree, exiting out of the menu to reveal his penguin alone in a large igloo. He carefully selected and pressed a key on his keyboard, and the penguin began to shake its maracas. Proud of not only himself but his penguin as well, he turned to Mercy to see her reaction.
Mercy was disgusted. "This is disgusting," she said. "Is this what you're entertained by? Come on. This has to stop." Not waiting for an reply, she took him by the wrist and tried to pull him up onto his feet. Unfortunately, she was a doctor, not a bodybuilder. McCree did not move.
"What?" he said, his feelings a little hurt. "You come into my home, you insult my passions… the things that make me who I am… and you want me to just come on with you?"
"Yes," said Mercy, still trying to move him out of his position on the floor.
"Listen, I appreciate what you do for everyone on the battlefield… but you can't just do this to me. This…" he said, gesturing around the room at his creepy Club Penguin merchandise, "This is me. Club Penguin is who I am."
"You've been playing it for a week," said Mercy. "How would you know that?"
McCree thought about it. "Fair enough," he said.
After that fateful moment, McCree took a shower, put on a Club Penguin shirt, and approached Mercy, who was on his couch, drinking coffee and watching Scrubs.
"I'm ready," he said. Mercy looked at him, and then at his shirt. It had cartoony illustrated flames on it and an orange penguin riding them on a surfboard. Below the penguin was some large text that read "I'm On Fire!" It was disgusting.
"No you're not. What is that? Take that off," said Mercy, who was so repulsed in this moment that she was seemingly only capable of 3 word sentences.
"I can't," said McCree torturedly. "Really, I can't. I gave away all my clothes that didn't have Club Penguin on them." Turning around, he let Mercy view his puffle jeans.
"Oh…" Mercy was speechless. Trying not to think too much about the puffles on McCree's butt, she directed her gaze to his cowboy hat. "What about… your hat?"
"What? I have to wear that. It's a part of the cowboy pact I made long ago, when I was born," McCree informed her. "Oh, those were peachy days. On the rodeo with my pa teaching me how to ride for the first time… That old gal Bessie hated me, she did. I remember the first time she bucked me off her, then the second time, then the third time, and who could forget the fourth time…" Mercy stopped listening.
"Alright, let's go," she interrupted, taking his arm. She didn't care about the puffle pants or the strange fire shirt anymore. McCree would miraculously find his usual clothes back once he got over his Club Penguin addiction anyway. Right?
So off they went, to some random diner called the Cowboy Diner. It was very western, with the latest, hottest western country single "Generic Cowboy Song" gracing their ears as soon as they walked inside through the double saloon doors, like in all the movies. And just like in all the movies, everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at the two as they walked by and found their table.
"Nice shirt!" hollered a random guy from a random table. Everyone else in the diner except for Mercy nodded their agreement.
"Thanks," said McCree, just as smoothly as the tiger he was. He winked at the guy, who swooned in his booth seat.
The waitress came by, filled their glasses with water, and took their orders. McCree ordered some kind of fish meal (like a penguin), and Mercy had the restaurant's specialty, the Generic Western Dish. As they waited for their meals to arrive, Mercy decided to start on helping McCree remember his humanity.
"So," she said, observing McCree as he drummed his fingers on the table a little impatiently, "It's been a while, Jesse! What have you been up to lately? Besides Club Penguin," she added hastily.
"Huh? Oh, nothing much… Don't tell a soul, but this old lady tried to hire me last month," McCree informed her in a slightly hushed tone, "to assassinate her son's bride's parents because she wanted them to inherit their riches, so they could be as well off as her. Because you see, they were going to elope together against the bride's parents' will. They wanted her to marry this stuck up guy from Siberia, who was even richer."
"Oh, oh my… She told you all that?"
"Yes, she did. But I did a little background check. Turns out she never had any kids! So of course, I said no to that. But," McCree leaned in slightly and scanned the diner around them before whispering out his next words, "that lady won't take no for an answer. Either I'm going crazy, or ever since then, she's been following me. When I turned the corner, I swear I caught a glimpse of her pink feather boa hat. Last week I helped her across the road. With anyone else, I would put an end to that… but she's just an old lady! What can I do?"
Mercy stared at McCree. He stared back at her. But before she could say anything, the waitress arrived with their meals.
"Enjoy," she said with a wink, and skipped away like a cowgirl in the fields, her golden, braided pigtails flowing freely behind her. It was very strange.
"Well," said McCree, looking back at Mercy as the waitress disappeared from their view, "Let's eat!"
And that's the story of how Mercy and McCree enjoyed their great meal together. They eventually finished, and the cowgirl waitress skipped around and brought them the check.
"I wanted to be an architect," she informed them.
"Okay. Don't worry about the funds, Mercy," said McCree, taking out his authentic leather cowboy wallet to pay. But alas, he had no money! He turned to Mercy. "...I'm sorry," he told her. "I spent it all on Club Penguin membership."
"... That's fine," said Mercy, even though it wasn't. She took out her normal human wallet and paid the waitress, tipping her $50 so that she might be a little closer to achieving her dream one day. Maybe she had been lying, but Mercy decided she didn't care anymore. Was a Club Penguin addiction the only thing she couldn't cure? It was time to find out.
"So, Jesse…" she began as they attempted to wipe the crumbs off their wooden western table with napkins, "Are you going to keep being a… gunslinger? Are you going to keep fighting for what is just?!"
"Nah," said McCree. "I reckon I'm just going to play Club Penguin."
"Oh," Mercy said. Truly, it seemed like there was nothing she could do at this point. McCree was going to be addicted to Club Penguin forever. As they made their way to the exit together, she felt the despair and depression bloom in her heart.
But suddenly, an unknown hooded person rudely shoved past them from the door, and waved a gun in the air. Mercy and McCree watched as the rude stranger advanced to the saloon part of the diner, still flaunting their pistol around.
"This is a stickup," snarled the intruder in an old gravelly voice, now pointing their gun at the bartender. "Give me all ya got." The poor bartender, not one for craving death, hurriedly began to open the cash register.
Mercy and McCree witnessed all of this.
"Oh, my!" exclaimed Mercy, raising her hands to cup her face in a shocked and horrified way. "How terrible! If only we had someone to put an end to this," she mourned, her eyes dead and cold as she stared at McCree. "But all of my friends are just Club Penguin addicts..."
"Oh, come on now, Mercy!" McCree said, slightly offended. He pulled his beloved gun (also known as the Peacekeeper) out of its holster, and admired it fondly. "Just because I've picked up Club Penguin doesn't mean I had to put this old thing down…" He kissed the Peacekeeper.
Mercy wondered who or what had previously touched the spot that McCree had just kissed. "That was very unsanitary. But there's no time for that right now," she added hastily upon seeing McCree's even more offended expression. "Go and… take care of that burglar?"
McCree nodded his agreement and ran over to the burglar, who was still waving their gun around like a final goodbye to their lover. Upon his arrival, they turned around to face him, and a twisted smirk grew on their shadowed face.
"I've been waiting for you to arrive, Jesse McCree," they said, finally taking off the large shadowy hood and replacing it with a large, hot pink feather boa hat.
It was… the old lady!
"What? Really? Come on," said McCree. He turned to Mercy, who was still at the entrance across the building. "Are you seeing this?" he whispered into his super secret Overwatch communication device.
"I wish I wasn't," she told him.
Back in front of McCree, his geriatric stalker was now attempting peer pressure. "All the other gunslingers in town were grovelling at my feet for this opportunity," she informed him. "'Nana! Nana! Hire us!' they were crying. But I told them I wanted to hire a special one for my plans… One talented, handsome young-"
"Alright, that's enough," interrupted McCree, stepping forward swiftly and snatching her rusty old pistol right out of her hand, which was a little rude, but she deserved it. It was actually pretty easy, like taking candy from a baby, except the opposite.
"What? Nooooooooooo!" howled the hooded old hag, very much in her shadowy attire and short stature resembling a child dressed up as the Reaper on Halloween, who had just tripped and dropped every last piece of their candy down a hill and into a sewer.
McCree watched the grandma mourn her gun. He felt a little bad for causing that to an old lady, but what else could he do? After ensuring the old lady hadn't actually taken any of the mystified bartender's money, he and Mercy made their way out of the Cowboy Diner, for real this time.
"Now that was a real hoot," said McCree when they got back to his house.
"...Yeah, it was."
"Mercy? Is something bothering you?"
"Oh, no, just… Jesse," Mercy murmured, staring into his eyes like some kind of shipping fanfiction, "are you ever going to go back? Back in the diner, didn't you feel like you were doing something right? Like you were making a difference, no matter how small?"
"Huh." McCree contemplated her words as they sat down together in his living room, which was still mostly bare of Club Penguin merchandise. He unholstered his beloved Peacekeeper and remembered all the great times they had together, and all the criminals they had shot with dead eye precision. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he remembered the joy that he experienced, bringing justice and peace any place he had the power to change. If he went on playing Club Penguin like this, he might very well never truly feel that feeling again...
Mercy was watching him, a slight look of concern on her face. He stood up.
"I've made my decision," he said. He clenched his fist. "I… I'm going to quit Club Penguin."
Mercy stood up as well. "McCree, I'm so proud!" They stood there, smiling at each other until it started to get just a little creepy, so they stopped smiling, at the same time. Then they were just standing there, together.
"So… what now?"
"Clean up your bedroom?" Mercy suggested, simply for lack of anything better to do, as both their schedules were free right then, which was very convenient.
"Alright," said McCree.
They spent the next 2 hours together getting rid of all the many, many puffles, penguins, and penguin related merchandise that McCree had obsessively acquired over the past week, and also somehow got his old cowboy clothes back, which couldn't have been done without the help of Mercy's old high school friend, Plot Convenience. Overall, one could say it was a very fulfilling 2 hours.
"Now that was a very fulfilling 2 hours," said Mercy breathlessly, as she and McCree lay on the floor of his room together after the countless amounts of penguin plushies they had to hire a truck for to haul them away and out of their lives.
"You said it, partner," said McCree. They lay there together for a while, until he sat up suddenly. "Hey, what are we doing?"
"Huh," said Mercy. "What are we doing?"
It occurred to them that they were both bored out of their minds, now with nothing to do. Mercy thought she regretted clearing up her entire schedule for tonight to help McCree through his Club Penguin addiction, but then she decided she couldn't have known what would come up. However, this did not change the fact that neither of them had anything much to do.
McCree began to aimlessly browse through Facebook, and Mercy found a Dr. Generic's Generic Medical Stories book somewhere. It was a very strange book (if not a little generic), and Facebook's usual minion memes were not any more exciting today as they were any other day of the week, but they could manage. And so they did, up until McCree broke the silence and said "hey."
"Hey," said Mercy.
"Hey, Mercy," he said again, "come and take a gander at this."
So, dropping her book, she came and took a gander at McCree's laptop screen.
"Oh, wow!" she exclaimed. "What is that?"
"I don't know, but it sure looks mighty interesting," said McCree as he went to click the ad. They both watched intently, Mercy's expression one of great awe as it opened up a new page, full of strange and interesting new creatures.
Welcome to Neopets!
the end.