Yes, you saw the title right. Emotion Dissociation. Not Emotional Dissociation. Alternate title could be "Love Paranoia."
The aesthetics of love. Perceiving the beauty of love. Was love even beautiful to start with? What could be defined as beautiful? What was love? Why did people care so much for something that they couldn't put into words? Could something so undefinable be even real? Why did people say that real love was unconditional love?
It was irrational, unexplainable, yet it continued to thrive in the minds of people. Perhaps it was only another propaganda of the media, of manufacturers of sweets. Perhaps it was an escape from reality. People needed to cling into something intangible in order to feel some sort of firmness in their lives.
Nothing in the world was unconditional. If you loved someone, wouldn't you wish something from them? To love you back, to see them no matter what, to feel them close by. Despite people saying that their love was unconditional, it wasn't. It could never be. How could their love be unconditional if they weren't complacent, or perhaps just content, with their own lives?
Why did they proclaim to love someone so freely when they couldn't even love themselves? Why were humans complex in their simplicity?
It was while watching his parents that Sasuke got the idea that there was no such thing as unconditional love. There was only desire. His father longed for a pretty wife that would look good as they took pictures and would rear genetically-blessed children. His mother longed for a comfortable life and a perfect family. It was a marriage of convenience. There was no love. You didn't need any love to make a marriage work. You just needed patience and determination.
It was also during that time that he thought that maybe his parents were hypocrites. They told him that it was bad to lie, yet why did they lie to themselves and their family about loving each other? It was then that he thought that the most important factor for a marriage to work was lies. When he told this to his older brother, Itachi had merely poked Sasuke on the forehead, a barely noticeable smile on his face.
"You're smart, little brother," he said.
Sasuke beamed. That was the first compliment he'd heard from his brother.
That was the only compliment he heard from his brother.
The day after that, Itachi killed their parents. It was on that day that Sasuke got the idea that there was no such thing as love. Itachi told him so. Itachi was always right.
Itachi had told him that he killed their family because Sasuke was capable of being truly strong. Itachi had told Sasuke that he had been the only one to see the same thing and it was because he did not lie to himself and accepted the truth wholeheartedly. He was not afraid. He was worthy of Itachi's time. He would be someone.
Sasuke wished that he'd never seen through his parents' facades. He wished that he'd never known that there was no such thing as love, unconditional love at that. He wished that he'd just stayed buried in his illusions. At least he would still be happy.
"Don't fail me, little brother," Itachi said before he disappeared into the shadows of the night.
And because Itachi was the only one he had, Sasuke decided that he wouldn't fail Itachi. He'd make sure to become stronger. He'd make sure that everyone else knew that he was serious about his intentions.
He didn't love Itachi. He didn't love his brother at all.
Sasuke was not surprised that he didn't mourn over the deaths of his parents as much as he thought he would've. He didn't love them, too. They didn't love him, too. Oh, right, there was no such thing as love. Then... they didn't notice him. They didn't see him for who he was. They tried too hard to conform him to their ideals of a perfect son. They didn't accept him. They thought that he was the bane of their existence. They thought that he didn't deserve parents like them.
Itachi had been the only one who truly noticed him. In the end, Itachi had been the only one he had. Itachi had been the only one. He would always be the only one.
Itachi had only been looking out for him. Itachi had been the only one that cared about him. Itachi had given him freedom.
... Now, who was he? Who was he to play? What role was he to conform to now? The failure? The trying-too-hard child? The little brother?
Nobody had ever told him that freedom was so suffocating. Was he even making any sense at all now? Should he make any sense? It was only normal that his thoughts should be jumbled. His brother, after all, had just killed his parents in front of him and then just up and left. What was sensible anyway? What was normal? It was from then on that Sasuke decided that he would live by his own definitions.
Although he couldn't understand why he always chose to leave blank his definition for love. Maybe it didn't need to be defined. After all, it wasn't real, right? That was what Itachi said. Then again, why was he still following Itachi if he had his own definitions? Perhaps it was the little brother in him.
Sasuke swore that someday... someday... he would get rid of all of his weaknesses. That he would find his own definitions for everything on his own. Someday, he'd manage to break from the hold Itachi had on him.
Deep inside, he wasn't so sure if he could find this someday or if this someday would come. He was confused.
"I love you, Sasuke-kun," Sakura shyly said.
Sasuke blankly stared at the representative of his class. The two of them were standing somewhere behind the school premises. They had just been dismissed. The sun was steadily setting.
Sakura fidgeted. Was his staring a good thing or not? Should she just leave? She mentally shook her head. She shouldn't. She had gathered a lot of courage to go do this. She shouldn't back out now. She should continue what she started. Besides, Sasuke really might have some feelings for her. She took a deep breath and looked at him in the eye. She clutched her trembling hands. She had never been this nervous before.
Perhaps Ino telling her that Sasuke was harsh with turning down love confessions helped make her nervous. But surely those were just rumors.
"I'm not asking for anything," she continued. "I just..."
"You just want me to love you," Sasuke quipped.
She nodded in a timid way that would've put Hinata from the class beside them to shame.
"You're asking for something then," Sasuke said.
Sakura bit her lower lip.
"Why do you love me?" he asked.
Sakura brightened a bit at that, thinking that maybe Sasuke also liked her. He had to because he was asking her, right? He was interested. He was curious. He wanted to know the truth behind her feelings. That was a good thing. Romance books were never wrong. Her woman's intuition was never wrong.
"I like you because you're you," she said.
"Even you said it yourself," Sasuke said, "that you like me."
Sakura nodded.
"You like me," Sasuke repeated.
Sakura nodded yet again. Why? Was there something wrong with what she said? Had she made a fool of herself? Or maybe... could Sasuke just not believe that she liked him? Maybe he liked her, too! She was feeling a bit giddy from relief. Sasuke was reciprocating her feelings.
"You like me," he said, "you don't love me."
He then turned around and proceeded to walk away from her. She was shocked.
"Sasuke-kun, wait! I was wrong!" she exclaimed. "I... I love you!"
Sasuke stopped walking. Sakura felt a bit of relief yet again. She had a chance with him. He was going to give her a chance, right? Of course he was. He wasn't... that cruel.
"Even if you did love me, which I highly doubt, I don't love you," he said, turning his head to look at her with those sharp eyes of his, "because how can I love you when I don't even believe in love?"
He knew that she was falling in love for the sake of love. She fell in love with love. She was blindly and stupidly chasing him, fawning over him. She didn't see him. She couldn't tell him who he was. She was hesitant in her love. She was hesitant in her confession. She wasn't shy. She was hesitant.
Sasuke was a sharp person. He paid attention to every detail. That was why his turn-downs were also accurate, blunt.
He continued walking away, leaving behind Sakura to mend her broken heart. What did he break? What was a heart? Did he even have that? How could he understand her pain if he didn't have anything like that? Maybe he really did have a heart before. Maybe he would've understood and comforted her and told her that she just wasn't right for him if only she had confessed years before. But she didn't. Time was of the essence. She was late. It wasn't his fault anymore.
The child inside of him was smiling. He still hadn't failed his brother. This wasn't love. He was merely seeking more acceptance from the man that accepted him despite everything, despite his flaws, despite his imperfection. Despite being himself.
Didn't his brother know that he was getting better? Didn't Itachi know? Did Itachi still care? Where was Itachi then? Why wasn't Itachi here? Why was... he still alone? Why was he always waiting?
Sasuke was the first to come inside their classroom again. There was no surprise there. Something expected from their batch's top and the student council vice-president (he was a shoe-in for the presidency next year). What was a surprise though was that Naruto came inside the classroom after him. The blond was usually the last one to class. Not that he was ever officially labeled late because their homeroom teacher came ten minutes before homeroom ended.
What was also a surprise was that Naruto stepped in front of Sasuke and glared at the boy. Usually, the two of them kept their distance. Naruto hated Sasuke for bagging all the girls, especially Sakura whom he loved, and Sasuke just didn't care.
"You're blocking my view, Uzumaki," Sasuke coolly said. Then again, didn't his voice always sound cool and composed?
Naruto merely growled. A frown on his face.
"You turned Sakura-chan down yesterday," he snarled.
Sasuke briefly thought that Naruto looked much like a bristling cat. The fact that the boy had whisker-like scars on his cheeks added to the effect.
"Yes, and so?" Sasuke asked.
"You made her cry!" Naruto exclaimed. "You could've at least toned down the way you rejected her!"
Sasuke quirked an eyebrow.
"Don't you like her?" he asked.
"I don't just like her! I love her!" Naruto said. "And, sure, I would've liked it if I had her all to myself, but I'd want her to be happy first!"
This was a new response. Sasuke's curiosity was roused.
"Why do you love her?" he asked.
"Do I have to have a reason to love her?" Naruto asked back at him.
Sasuke nodded. "Everything has to have a reason."
"Well, I don't. I just love her. There's really nothing more to it."
Uzumaki Naruto was an interesting person. Sasuke wanted to study him even more. Maybe Naruto was the key to some of his questions. This was for the proliferation of his knowledge on the matter of love, whatever the hell it was.
Sasuke still didn't believe in love. He didn't want to know more about Naruto and the boy's love for Sakura just because he wanted someone to prove him wrong. He wasn't hopeful. He already knew that there was no such thing as love. He was just wondering why people clung to the impression of love being real. He had outgrown these childish fantasies of horribly clichéd happy endings.
It had been three weeks since he started to discreetly study Naruto.
It had been six years and forty-eight weeks since he last saw Itachi.
Yesterday, Itachi was found by the authorities and put inside prison.
Today, he visited Itachi. Today, he just stared at his brother. Today...
Today his brother told him the oddest of things. Itachi... had fallen in love with someone. Itachi told him that love was real. Perhaps not unconditional love, but love itself was real.
Itachi fell in love with his fellow criminal, Hoshigaki Kisame.
Sasuke felt confused again when he came home. Love wasn't real.
Then he thought that perhaps this Itachi was a fake, a fraud. But nobody could fake Itachi. Nobody could pretend to be his brother. Sasuke knew that that was the real Itachi that had talked to him. Nobody could capture the essence of Itachi but Itachi himself.
Had Itachi really changed his views on love? Had he really found love?
Sasuke laid on his bed and looked at the ceiling. He wasn't going to follow anyone anymore. He went by his own definitions. And his definition for love was still kept blank. Perhaps it was much better that way. Perhaps he was much better off without knowing what love meant if it was real. It wasn't real. It was just that... he was making sure. It didn't hurt to make sure of things.
He truly was confused yet again.
The child inside of him was wailing. Had he made his brother proud? Had he waited for nothing? What was the truth about love? Or, rather, was love true?
It was lunchtime. He was all alone in the classroom save for some few loiterers that would soon be going out to enjoy the sun. Oh, and there was Naruto, too.
It had been a month since Itachi was in prison. Naruto gave up chasing after Sakura yesterday. The girl had gotten a boyfriend. Sasuke had half-expected the blond to be depressed, but the other half thought that the boy didn't mind at all as long as Sakura was happy. He didn't know which side he should root for.
If Naruto wasn't sad, that would mean that he didn't love Sakura. But if Naruto wasn't happy, that would also mean that he didn't love Sakura because he didn't want to let her go, he wanted her all for himself. He didn't think of her feelings.
Love was something that couldn't be defined, therefore it was only right of Sasuke to doubt its existence. It was unexplainable, irrational, and illogical. It wasn't right. It defied all reasons. It was the epitome of oxymoron.
Love was...
Now, he and Naruto were all alone in the classroom. And then, all of a sudden, Naruto was kissing him.
Sasuke knew that Naruto was an impulsive man and did what he wanted to do without any reason.
Love was Naruto, then. Because Naruto, too, was illogical, unexplainable, and irrational. He wasn't normal, he wasn't right. He was a constant presence in Sasuke's life even if Sasuke, who sometimes grew tired of studying the oddness that was Naruto, had desperately tried to tune out the noises he made.
Sasuke didn't like love. Therefore, it was only right when he pushed Naruto away.
"I love you," Naruto said.
How could anyone say that so easily? How could Naruto say that so easily? It was without hesitation. It was strong, it was loud.
It was so Naruto.
"Why do you love me?" Sasuke asked.
"Do I have to have a reason to?" Naruto asked right back at him.
It was deja-vu. It was happening all over again. The nostalgia was strong.
"You love me, too," Naruto proclaimed.
"I don't. How could I when I don't believe in love?" Sasuke asked.
"Why do you always watch me, then?"
Sasuke was surprised – he thought that he was extremely discreet in studying Naruto – and didn't show it on his face. Though there was a part of him that thought that there was no use in hiding it from Naruto. Naruto already knew.
"You interest me. You're different," Sasuke answered.
"You noticed me," Naruto said, "while nobody else did."
"Your friends notice you."
"It's not the same. Not the same at all."
"You're not making any sense."
"Is love supposed to make any sense?"
Sasuke was stumped. Naruto grinned. And then...
"I don't believe in love so I didn't think that it would be necessary for me to define it," Sasuke said.
"Why did you study me then?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke was stumped yet again.
"It seems as if you've readied for this," he said after a while. "I thought you loved Sakura."
"I did," Naruto sheepishly admitted, "or maybe I've never loved her."
"Then how can I be so sure that you do... love me? You said to me that you loved her in the same intensity as you did just a few moments ago."
Naruto grinned.
"See, you do notice me!" he said. "You noticed the way I spoke!"
"That might be true but that still doesn't answer my question," Sasuke said.
"You're a stubborn ass."
"I may be so but, like I've said, that doesn't answer my question. What is it, Uzumaki Naruto?"
"You sound desperate."
"No, I'm not. I'm just curious," Sasuke said after the briefest of pauses.
Naruto had caught his little pause. There was hesitancy. There was a question in Sasuke's eyes before he answered. He had wondered whether or not he really was desperate. Or, to be more exact, if he really was in love with Naruto.
Naruto sighed. Sasuke truly was stubborn.
"I just know that I love you, that's all," he answered. "I don't know why I'd ever fall for a bastard like you, but I did. I don't care why either. I just feel. Life's short so live it without hesitations, without regrets."
There truly was no logic to Naruto's actions and words and feelings. He just felt. Sasuke had never encountered anyone like him. Sasuke was perplexed. He didn't know what to answer to that one, didn't know what to retort. Was there even a proper retort to everything that Naruto, the king of irrationality, said? Maybe not.
Love was Naruto. But Naruto wasn't love. Naruto wasn't cruel like love could be at some times. Naruto was different from love and yet love could be called Naruto. It didn't make at all a lot of sense. Sasuke was confused. He was tired of being confused. It was time that he actually did something. And so, maybe that was why he pulled Naruto closer to him and kissed the blond when the latter was about to speak again.
Naruto was sporting a grin when Sasuke pulled away from him.
"So... I've answered your question, then?" he asked mischievously.
"No, you haven't," Sasuke said. At that, Naruto's face considerably darkened. "Because there really isn't a real answer to my question. And the question really wasn't for anyone else. It was for me."
Naruto grinned.
"What are we now, then?" Sasuke then asked.
"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.
"Well, you're in love with me and I'm not sure if I'm in love with you because I still can't bring myself to believe in love yet I do feel a certain attraction to you."
"I'm me, you're you, and we're we. Nothing's changed at all."
In a way, maybe nothing had. Sasuke might not be able to believe in love and its existence, but he did believe in Naruto because Naruto, despite being unexplainable, irrational, and illogical, was tangible and just screamed reality.
If Sasuke had been asked to define love, he would answer Naruto despite not believing in it. And why did he still not believe in love despite having a definition for it, thus making it more tangible than it used to be? Well, did he need a reason to not believe in love? If people could have no reason to believe in love, then that would also mean that he, too, could not believe in love – yet somewhat also be in love at the same time – without a reason.
Sometimes, one had to learn that maybe the illogical answers were the best answers.
This sprouted off from one of Kaikouken and I's e-mail exchanges. Tis on the topic of love.
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy life in order to read this. Please do comment and point out any mistakes that you might see. I'd be much obliged.