Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -Anonymous
Change. It is so simple, yet so hard. For me, I'm finding it stranger and stranger, yet also occurring more frequently in the recent years of my life than it ever did before. The first thing that marked true change was the death of my best friend and partner in crime, Kuronue. Even now, the thought of him saddens me. It was my own greed and impetuousness that got him killed. Ironic, for I had often scolded Yomi earlier for those very same things. Then came my own death, or at least the death of my yôko body. My soul escaped, took over a human's body. That marked the biggest change in my life.
To find myself so weak, so helpless, mere months after feeling the strength and grace of my wonderful demon body was terrible. Even with my patience, a thief's patience, it was too much. For the first two years I could barely even move, and for many more after that I was still a mere shadow of my former self. If this form were so clumsy that I would fall off a stool while reaching for something than I would never be like my old self, able to run along a ledge as narrow as the top of an open door without so much as wavering. It was for that reason that my mother was harmed. My own inability to perform up to my usual capabilities caused me to fall, caused me to almost die. Once again, a mark on my conscience, a time when I should have realized what would have happened.
Then came Hiei. In the middle of my snug little niche in the human world, peaceful, if a bit boring, he quite literally came out of the blue. To think that a demon such as he would show up at a time that was so inconvenient to me, yet, while shattering many defenses I spent much time building, he also set me free. Free from the life of humans that was slowly stealing all that made me demon. For that, I thank him. From there on, everything was a blur. Meeting Yusuke, defeating first the Saint Beasts, then the Toguro Brothers, then even taking on Yomi and Mukuro, recovering my yôko self… It happened far too fast for someone like me, someone used to spending a decade pondering over a decision as trivial as whether or not to add an extra inch to my hair. Yet it was oddly fitting, that the speed in which the lightning-fast Hiei showed up did not change one bit; from there on, my whole life seemed to be the equally fast thunder that followed. I profusely thank the storm that was Eight-Hands for starting it all.
Therefore, I am no stranger to change. But this was change as I least expected it. Friendships that were made less than four years ago were shifting. At first, Hiei saw me as an equal, and me alone. Kuwabara was an "inferior human" in his eyes (all three of them!), and Yusuke was "someone with potential, who happened to get a bit lucky". That was all well and good. Despite the ways of change, I liked taking it in small doses, like light showers every now and then. So this great storm that hit me as surely as any thrown punch or energy blast was as much a wake up call as a poke in the side and a cheerful bat demon telling me it was time to "haul my silver-furred ass out of bed and get ready to rob someone blind".
Hiei came nowhere close to keeping his perceptions that way. He was a fire demon after all, and by nature fire was ever moving and inconsistent. Within a day in Maze Castle, his respect for Yusuke swelled tenfold. Not only was he amazed with the way that Yusuke fully trusted him despite his dark actions earlier, but even he could not deny the Spirit Detective's fighting prowess. Kuwabara, too, gained his esteem, even if the human did not know it at the time.
Then, two months later, came the Dark Tournament, the whirlwind event that shook it all. I had grown to quite like Yusuke and Kuwabara by that time, even if I couldn't match Hiei's care, which had grown exponentially after they saved his sister, Yukina. Of course, the fire youkai was still my best friend; it would take more than that to shift him. No, it was fine.
That was before Yusuke single handedly killed the younger Toguro brother, before he proved his benevolence in treating Jin and Chu properly, before he unknowingly helped set Hiei back on his feet with his displays of honor and courage. That was before he saw the devotion Yusuke had to his friends, willing to go head to head with a dangerous sniper and someone who hopelessly outmatched him to save Kuwabara. Hiei was a changed demon. And I could not help but admit that I had lost the title of his Most Trusted Friend: Yusuke had it now. I could see clearly as well that unless Yusuke messed up so badly that it could never, ever be fixed, caused something like the death of one of us, that I would never regain that position. There was a fundamental difference between Yusuke and I, and Hiei could see it.
Yusuke was one for blind trust and belief in friends over everything, even his own life. He offered up his life if only to spare Kuwabara's, and he had the honor to never strike an opponent while they were down. I, on the other hand, require repeated actions to earn my trust. The position of Trusted Completely is only awarded to someone posthumously, I will admit. True, I have thrown my own life on the line more times than the other three put together for my friends (my fights with Roto, Touya, Karasu, and Shigure should prove that!), but I am sure that Hiei can tell the difference. Yusuke has his whole life ahead of him, and yet is still willing. I've had fifteen years more than I should have and already conquered my fear of dying. I must admit, that despite all my goodly actions, compared to Yusuke I have quite the dark soul.
And so, while Hiei has fully attached himself to Yusuke, while Kuwabara, too, is the detective's best friend (although with him, they were from the start), I remain a bit aloof. It feels strange, as if I do not belong. A true demon among them, despite Yusuke's ma-zoku heritage and Hiei being a pureblooded youkai. So, I quietly wait on the sidelines, again seeking this change…
Didn't turn out quite how I wanted it to, I'm afraid. The end just didn't come out as it did in my mind... Oh well. Just tell me what you think, everybody!