My Beautiful Broken Mask.
I was played like a fool. Though now I feel the taut strings, that made me dance till my feet bled, attatched to that man you worship. God. He is nothing more then a puppet master. A man who hides behind a an organisation, offering only a sliver of power to poor unwilling souls. I hate him. Although I do not believe I still have to right to feelings, opinions and emotion. No I am just a puppet now, just a broken puppet...
I am nothing more then an auguste a jester if you will. A clown who hides his deformed face beind acts of tomfoolery and false smiles. But i must keep up this act - for mana's sake but in all honesty I should be removed from this ring of supposed fun and shamed infront of the prying eyes of my friends...friends...there was once a time that I would laugh at the idea, when having a 'friend' was an impossibbilty, a dream of a boy tainted by hate and bad luck...
Those were my thoughts during my life as an exorcist.
I no longer have thoughts.
I am no longer an exorcist...after all...exorcists are human.
...
It was coming, I knew it. I could feel it in my bones and I knew the others could too. It was nearly the end. The end of this twisted joke of a war. The final battle was upon us and I knew many would fall, myself included...so I perfected that ever-present fake smile and followed my comrades to the battle like a cow to the slaughter...ironic, that is exactly what this was. A slaughter, for both sides of the battle field. But i'll keep on walking. I promised after all.
Red. Everything is red. The horrible crimson is now spreading to my feet, assuring itself that no one will ever forget its presence. Why does it have to be so demanding? So desperately craving attention? Is it lonely? If so, couldn't it just...No… Instead, it has to claim this. This revolting sight is what makes people hate you, red. If you simply left, maybe people would hate whatever remains. What am I thinking? is my sanity finally failing me. I knew it was about time but how could I help it...screams of rage and pain became muffled. all I could hear was the uneven thrums of my own heart and the feral growl that clawed its way out my throat. My stance was ready - eager almost, as one by one the enemies fell and fled before battle sparked eyes. Glancing around I caught a breath in my throat as it constricted when I finally saw my surroundings many of my comrades bloody broken and torn - most still standing but the few who littered the ground reminded me of white roses, despite the dark stains of red and black uniforms. So pale and fragile - their faces were - but I knew they bear the deadliest of red tipped thorns. 'They had gone down fighting' I mumbled to myself as I stood in a red stained meadow. Glancing around myself as each armoured white rose took their final breaths.
Then silence. All that remained now was red.
In war, when every bond is the most fragile, it is the easiest to find someone to connect yourself to. In the world of despair and suffering, a time comes when you need to be able to rely on someone, and silently wait in the cover hoping to see the next day - together. But I stood alone. Even the generals had fallen, I couldnt comprehend the situation. I felt my mind unravel. This deep loneliness I felt kept me frozen. But I wasnt alone, not completely. He was there - stood infront of me with that spine chilling grin and half mad eyes. The Earl. At least I wasnt alone.
When he spoke it seemed to loud...ah, it was because of the silence. His next words though shocked me - as much as possible in that rusted red field. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have such beautiful yet tourtured silver eyes? They hold so much passion and power that they captivate you in an almost hypnotic manner...but there is something else...they are tired and weary, they show the dulling of bloodshed and responsibility that has been bestowed upon them. And the look within them is far from human. It is as if they look far past what everyone else can see...to focus on the future. one that saddens them. and if you look close enough you can see the odd colourless flecks of insanity. They are gates that send you into a different world that was full of deceit and betrayal. You have witnessed many lives wasted and ended much too easily. They are eyes that had seen so much, yet, undoubtedly, too much. It is almost disgusting to see such darkness set in an innocent face."
He was...Sympathetic? huh, he was human after all, but...
" I still can't forgive you."
With a simple nod of the head, I charged. I flew over the fallen pulling out my sword as I did. A single clash of metal on metal started this fight. Swing. Duck. Dodge. Stab...I moved almost on auto pilot, colours of the background started to blur and darken as I focused on him. my stare never wavered. I was locked in a battle that would leave only one of us alive...or neither of us. The oozing violet dark matter that licked his hands made me cringe. it seemed to roll and toy with me as I attempted to avoid touching the mass of pure power, whereas the flickering luminescent green of innocence seemed to curl around me in a cacoon of light. I welcomed this cursed gift as it washed over me, soothing me as i felt old wounds re open and new ones form as His blackened blade sliced at my pale skin again and again.
The power was growing I could feel it thrumming through my veins. I was...excited? the adreniline was making me grin. not smile. Grin. I felt sinister and more power rippled through me. A hesitation. slight but not unnoticable to the trained eye - he had given me an opening. So I took it, I flipped above him in the air to land crouched on his shoulders, I pushed as hard as I could throwing him to the ground, following him I landed on my toes above him and I thrust down my innocence charged sword into his round stomach without hesitation. silence, then a crack, followed by another until a thunderous sound vibrated through the air as the ground beneath us broke up and jumped to the air in a green light. My innocence was POWERFUL, as it tore up the ground creating a crater of broken rubble beneath us. I looked down, to see that same malevolent smile adorn his face, but this time a trickle of red escaped from it. I had hurt him, it may be small but it gave me hope.
A creepy giggle howled in the air, childish yet old and weary somehow. "hmmm seems I misjudged you exorcist, or should I say, Monster." everything he said after that was droned out by the ringing in my ears. Monster. I had been called a monster before. In my past. My twisted and dark past.
Monster.
An involuntary flinch, a twitch of the eyes and my head cocked to the side. I felt my vision flash into red before black. 'Monster...Monster... .Monster,monstermonstermonster...' the same word repeated over and over. A mantra in my head. I could feel those icy barries around my heart and head crack for the final time. Memories of the aggresive and cold brown-haired boy running, fighting, kicking, screaming as the name was given to him. Faces of those who looked upon him with hatred, fear and disgust all called out to him, they called him Monster. His first name. His true name. Moster. Not even the voice of the 14th could call him back - instead it cheered with the crowd, naming me monster with my memories.
'Snap' I felt it crumble then. Do you know what its like to stand and feel your mind finally open after years of building a wall of sanity infront of the darkness in your head? I felt the insanity and years of built up emotions flood into my mind.
Hate,
Madness,
Anger,
Bloodlust,
Fear,
It seemed to find and fill every single corner of my already fragile brain. Smoothering the noise of the outside, the bafflement and humour that seeped from the the Earl's word and his humanity. He was after all just a monster.
Everything afterwards seems hazy, I remember plunging my sword into His stomach and chest again and again and again as blood splattered my pale fale.
my cold souless eyes glazed over as I stared at the broken man, creature, beneath me. I could hear the muffled calls of the Earl as he shouted my name. An atempt to call me back? I only just registered the ring of 10 foot flames around us. sealing us in a battle. None the less I kept plunging and twisting my blade into him. I dont remember feeling the warm blood splash over me, I dont remember actually hearing him call my name, or the feeling of losing my blood at a rapid pace, leaving parts of my body numb and cold nor did I register the warm salty tears that ran down my face.
A moan escaped his lips. I finally looked. I couldnt speak. Darkness invaded my head leaving me doll like. But I remember his now crismon coat mangled and sticking to the many slashes and gouges in his stomach. he was going to die now. The monster inside of me had made sure of that. I still held my tongue. He managed to whisper though and asked me one question as the flames began to crawl over to us.
"Ar-re you... even r-real...Allen?"
...
Allen...Was he real?
The Earl had closed his eyes now and curled in on himself, so I stumbled to him and slumped down behind him. Back to back we sat like comrades fallen together. Our swords crossed over and our heads bowed in a prayer like manner. I felt his Breathing slow. I twitched again as my darkness heeded a bit while the flames crawled ever closer. The Earl was a wise man he was the only one who truly question Allen and his mentality. Thats why he sat by him as he died after such a long existence.
The monster thought. while his enemies heart finally stopped for the first time in so long. He thought of everything - The Earl's words haunted that little part of sane Allen, Was he real? the more he thought...the more hope died. He sat like that, as the fire crept ever closer. caving in and looming over him in a God like manner. But still he sat, as the cobalt skies turned to a painted pink.
He barely breathed, barely blinked, barely moved. He sat still and unmoving with a face washed of any emotion. and as the orange of the sun finally began to appear and the sounds of wounded were finally heard, Hope and happiness seemed to grow, except for one corner of the battle field, where the monster sat with the corpse of his enemy resting against him. When the sun had fully risen, That was when the Monster finally died within the silver-haired boy. Along with his sanity and...'Allen'.
...
What happened next, no one could comprehend. Lenalee was the first to find him, after being found alive by a small medical group, she was tended to, and her brother was called over, after crying into each other arms. A safe heaven for each other. Komui explained how much damage had been done.
1 destroyed headquaters
3 Dead exorcist and 4 Missing
425 dead Finders and 158 Missing
2 Dead CROW's
1 Dead General and 2 Missing
45 Dead scientists and 12 Missing
Lenalee felt her face crumble once again as she sobbed into her Brothers coat. but she managed to ask "who?" with a sigh and a tightened hold on her Komui Listed the name of every single missing or dead finder, scientist and CROW while lenalee sat through it all he continued " General Tiedoll Crowley, Chaoji, and Bookman are ...dead and General Sakora and Claud, Lavi, Kanda,Timothy and Allen are missing." He closed his eyes as more tears ruined his vision
And lenalee howled at this, along with so many other Black order members.
After a a few hours of helping with the search and rescue which her Brother had strongly suggested against due to her mentality and wounds, they had uncovered Almost everyone. They found Kanda first, hidden beneath akuma debree and a dead noah, he was alive but only just. Next they found Lavi and Timothy who was unconscious in a similar scenario. Lavi had protected Tim as much as he could and sustained a lot of damage in the process. Lenalee explained to Kanda and Lavi the situation while they were treated and Timothy was taken away. They agreed to help with the search.
By the end of the day all missing scientist were found and only 3 were dead, only 98 of the finders were found 5 of which were dead, Both generals had been found and treated then told about the situation but nobody could find Allen. And as the sun finally set again, all they could do was pray he was okay. The chances were low and everyone knew this but nonetheless they prayed for the safety of the 15year old. Everyone was well aware that Allen had been the one to fight the Earl. And realised he had little chance of survival, even Lenalee. So when everyone turned away to head to the asian branch, she stumbled backwards, still weak from her wounds, and ran. she ran as fast as her numb weary legs would take her she didnt know where she was headed but followed her instincts hoping to find him somehow. She tuned out the weak calls and shouts that beckoned her back. but still she ran.
She was lost, hidden away in a far corner of the warzone, away from the stained grass and large debree of her home. Only to come face to face with a blackened landscape. The area was large and...bland. The blackened landscape gave her shivers as she stepped onto the burnt grass...her eyes focusing on a small orange ring that stood infront of her. She walked closer, it was only when she was a few yards away that she realised it was, "fire."
she didnt understand it but she just KNEW Allen was here. She heard faint voices getting closer. Recorgnising Lavi's, Komui's and even Kanda's voice. Ignoring them she walked closer to the ring calling out faintly "Allen." her voice gettin louder and more desperate as she approached the entrance to the ring of fire. "...ALLEN!" finally giving up on hiding herself she cried out his name. Hoping for a response...or any sign of life. She closed her eyes when none came
A small clang of metal on metal caused her to snap them open again. "A sword?" her eyes widened as she saw a faint object in the midst of the dancing orange flames and cloak of smoke. Her voice croaked as she called his name once more.. " Al...len?" as the flames began to shrink and the image became clearer...she screamed.
Lavi heard her first, he turned toward the scream and ran, kanda mearly went "Che" but followed and Komui stumbled after them, not nearly as fit, or agile enough to keep up. But he thought of Lenalee and poured on new found speed.
...
I heard someone who though? was it...lenalee? was she here to 'save' him? with a sigh I managed to just gently tap my sword against the Earls. Even to me it was quiet but hopefully she had heard...wait...why did I care? The Darkness was creeping back, twisting my thoughts making me doubt. I was too tired to fight, the Earl had caused my barriers to break - the ones that took 15 years to build up and strengthen. They had cracked in seconds because of that name...my name...Monster.
I couldn't move - I had no will or energy to do so...so I sat there back to back with the Earl. The enemy. Slumped over and cold. so cold. And confused. When she sreamed, all I could manage to do was flick my eyes in her direction. I couldn't raise my head, even when I saw the 3 men behind her, their names...what were they?! oh Kanda, Lavi, and Komui. That's it.
I felt them edge closer. I dont want them close...They might hurt me...Because im Monster. NO. Im Allen! Or am I? The Earl...he asked that very same question. I'm cold. Monster is cold. They're close now...a hand. On his neck. Was it going to strangle me? I'll kill them before hand! NO! it was too late...wasn't it? there's no coming back now is there? God? Mana? Master? Earl? no. I dont need the answers of the dead and the hated.
There is no Allen and never was. There is only Monster.
...
Lavi caught me before I fell forward. His hand now drenched in my own sweet sticky blood. I knew I could not move so I let him carry my body - my cold empty body, back to base away from my ring of fire and truth. I closed my eyes for the journey back, only catching a small sniveling from lenalee and sweet reassuring words from Lavi who carried me. As his own shirt became soggy and heavy in my blood.
Monster's blood.
I remember hearing alarmed voices and could feel cold clamy hand grab and grib onto me. I opened my eyes, uncomfortable with the attention, I rolled out of a surprised Lavi's arms to hit the floor with a sickening wet thump. I remember the worried and almost fearfull looks I got from the people around me, but as I rolled to my knees,I felt nausia and fear. The name becane creeping into my mind once again as the faces of those around me blended into those of my past - the faces of those who hurt me, beat me, kicked me, feared me and used me. Because of my ugly arm. Its all innocence's fault. It was all Gods fault. He made me after all didn't he...
A wave of realisation drowned my brain. Innocence caused my pain. The gift from God caused my pain. Thats cursed being. Am I a being made for his..Entertainment?! Was Monster created from my twisted sick life, because of God? Am I his TOY?!
"Am I his Clown?"
I didnt realise I had said this out loud until I registered Lenalees gasp and Lavi's wide eyes. As I sat on my knees, everything started coming together, my life was so dark and lonely because God had given it to me? He had formed the path I walked...not me... I feel something in me change then. I felt a weightless feeling, I felt bland and empty. I felt like a doll.
...
On that cold night, on the aftermath of the fight 'Allen' was killed. Not by Noah, Akuma or the Earl. But by his own insanity, and his hatred towards God with finally drove him to the edge. The edge of hell.
Lenalee saw the light fade and dull in Allens eyes, something was wrong her instincts were telling her to run. She wanted to hide...to crawl up in a corner and sleep the night out. But she remained frozen infront of a bleeding broken boy named Allen. She stood back and her eyes widened as she saw Allen's body stiffen, in and impossible manner - it left him in a wooden state it seemed only his still dripping blood was the only sign he was alive.
She felt movement in the corner of her eye, looking up behind Allen, she saw a shape. A figure of Darkness with an eerie Earl like grin of white and fathomless eyes of...silence. It stood up behind the hunched over Allen, it was large and round. Like a fat ghost - that idea may have made Lenalee laugh at another time but right now that creature scared her. It stood up straight and started humming...Allen' song? his lullaby that controlls the Ark? but why...Was this the 14th? was this the being that haunted Allen everyday? was this the brother of the man Allen loved? It looked at her then...it just looked, as if it didnt really see her, but saw her soul insead. It stood beside Allen and looked down at him. No body spoke. Fear and confusion was evident in the air.
The Next shape that seeped from Allen was that of a clown...It was an eveyday clown - a white painted face, an overly large red bow hung around his neck, a baggy snow white shirt adorned its torso it was finished with a red fluffy trim around the sleeves, 3 large silk red buttons held the shirt together, and it was finished with a red trimmed white ruffle that fit its neck perfectly. It also wore Large shiny white shoes with unties laces and huge baggy trousers that rippled in movement, made of soft green spotted silk. The odd this about the clown though, was that ut wore a mask - but this mask did not make anyone laugh, it worried Lenalee, the face carved onto the mask was sadistic and...Insane. It was white, and shaped as a skull, with thick black lines crawling across the skull over the left eye in an intracate pattern, which reminded Lenalee of an old English letter 'D' on the right side however, the black lines swirled into a tight curl, distorting the eye, into a mess. And the top of the mask, adorned a simple black star. The eerie mask was completed with s single curling black strand of ribbon that secured the mask to the clowns face. Lenalee felt like she was being mocked by the clown, so looked away as it skipped across the ground to stand on the other side of Allens prone tried to concentrate, she thought back to all the times that Allen spoke briefly about Clowns. About Mana...Could this clown be Mana? Allen claimed he was human but the mask says otherwise.
Before lenalee thought or spoke another word, a thrid shape emerged from Allen, but this one shocked her, on a different level. she wached as Allen was bathed in a green glow before it flew out of his porse, like thousands of tiny crystal shards. it swirled and parried in the air before collecting and forming Allens innocence, only Allen didn't wear it. It stood alone on Allen's right, in the form of his long white cape, soft fluffy collar and white gloved hand. It gave of a cold emotionless presence. Not a sinister prescence like the 14th nor an insane one like the clown that Lenalee assumed was Mana. It was calming. But it made Lenalee uncomfortable.
Finally, a smaller form appeared. Completely different from those before, it actually walked out of Allens body. It was the form of a small boy - he looked normal at a first glance, but when Lenalee crouched for a better look, she had to clasp a hand over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. This boy was human, but...wrong...He had pale skin, a natural pale and a sickly pale the porcelin skin was yellowish at an angle and was mottled with purple and black bruises that dusted his arms, legs, throat and cheek. Scratches and scars also scored his skin, some still a violent red and some a darker scabbed shade. some signs of infection adorned most.. his redish brown hair was spiky, uneven and matted with mud and blood. He was frail, basic skin and bones - signs of starvation were evident with hollowed cheeks and sunken eyes, annorexic arms and an evident ribcage showed through the tears in his 'top.' But it was the look in his eyes that caused the tears to fall on both her, komui and Lavi. Even Kanda looked sympathetic towards the child. They were a dark dull gray. The colour of smoke, but they were matt. they showed no signs of joy, life or happiness. They were the eyes of a betrayed dead man. It was the fact a child wore such hateful eyes that brought them tears. When Lenalee looked at the boy once more, she noticed his slightly hidden left arm...it was when it fell to his side that horrer flickered across her face. The whole arm was bandaged in an untidy way. It started from the shoulder and ended at his fingers...his left arm...a memory played in her mind, of Allen, he had that fake smile on as he said "I used to hide it in bandages and long sleeves. I was scared to show it."
..."A-Allen?"
...
Lenalee heard Lavi suck in a sharp breath as he once again examined the boy, after giving Lenalee a scared look. Kanda eyes widened as well, and he swore
softly under his breath. The boy, just looked up and snarled, stepping back to stand on Allen's left. Lenalee couldnt understand how that child was supposed to be the kind loving Allen she knew.