What was the worst thing?
The worst thing? That's a little vague, isn't it? I guess, really, when my mom died. That was worst. I just felt so…lonely. Like things would never be okay again. That was the worst.
How do you feel about your father?
My father father…Albert? Or Joey?
Albert.
Um, I don't know. Angry, I guess. Yeah, I'm still angry. I know I shouldn't be, I know I loved him…but I guess I just haven't forgiven him for anything.
How do you feel about Joey?
Kind of guilty. I love Joey, I do, but I feel guilty for all the shit I put him through.
What did you put him through?
Oh man. A lot. (laughs) First I ran away from my father, from Albert, and I tried to kill myself by getting hit by a train. Joey came and found me in the cemetery, I was, uh, saying goodbye to my mother. I was out of there. My dad, I mean, I'd had it at that point. Had it. He hit me all the time. So I was going to go to British Columbia and take Angela with me, but Joey came to the park before I could take her. Anyway, he came to the cemetery and sort of got it out of me that my dad was, you know, abusive. So I move in with him and I stole one of his cars from the car lot, and I ran away like two or three times, and I beat him up this one time after I stole his credit card and trashed a hotel room that I paid for with his credit card. That was when I was hospitalized for the bipolar. I skipped school a bunch of times, and one time I went to Schofield and missed the last train back and Joey had to come and pick me up.
You tried to kill yourself?
Yeah.
So you were suicidal?
Yeah.
Why exactly did you want to kill yourself?
I don't know. It was, I felt like I had no options. I, my dad wouldn't let me see Joey or Angela or even do anything, I had to be home early all the time, and he had all these rules…and he kept, he would…he'd hit me all the time. I was scared of him all the time, just scared all the time. Scared and angry and I missed my mother and he never even let me talk about her. I mean, I know she left him, I know. But she was my mother. So I was gonna just run away, but…then that train was coming and it seemed so easy to just stand in front of it.
What are you proud of?
Proud of? I don't know. My music, I guess.
Why?
Well, when I'm writing a song or playing one, sometimes I feel sort of…taken out of myself. Transcended. It's like, sometimes, I feel whole when I'm doing that.
What person have you hurt the most?
That's a loaded question. It's a tie between Joey and Manny.
How did you feel when your father hit you?
Uh…worthless.
Did you ever think Joey was going to hit you?
No. Not consciously. But I was sort of afraid he would since he was a father figure type thing.
When you beat up Joey do you think you were subconsciously trying to hit your father?
(Laughs) Yeah, probably. I was fucked up. I felt awful about that.
How do you feel about being bipolar?
Like I'm crazy. Like people think I'm crazy. Like I'm broken.
Is the fact that you are bipolar a contributing factor to your illegal drug use?
I don't know. Maybe. Probably. It might be all a part of it.
What was it like being hospitalized for a mental illness?
Uh, scary. I felt so out of control. Like my mind had sort of turned on me. My thoughts would go so fast, and I'd want to write everything down, and there were all these fantastic ideas. It was complicated.
How did you feel when you found out that a former classmate of yours, J.T. Yorke, had been killed?
Oh, J.T., yeah. That was awful, I mean, a real tragic thing. I didn't really know him that well, but I felt bad when I heard that.
How long did your father abuse you?
How long? Uh, I don't know. Four years I guess.
What was the worst thing he did to you?
It wasn't like any one worst thing. It was all of it. Getting screamed at, getting put down, getting hit, getting strapped, getting kicked. It all added up. But the one worst thing he did? The fact that he made me feel like shit all the time, like I didn't have a right to be myself. I was too busy worrying about him and his fucking mood and his reactions and following all of his rules. That was the worst thing.
What was the worst thing Joey did to you?
Joey? Um, I don't know. Joey didn't do anything bad to me.
How did you feel when you found out your former friend and classmate, Sean Cameron, had been arrested for having drugs at the school?
That was too bad. Sean's a good kid. He's cool, and he's…he's someone who will save you.