That Heart in You is Tougher
It became a mania. Nothing else. His life was permeated just with that personal demon called Isabella Swan. Jacob cursed. He remembered the right moment when he saw her first (except for when they were child). There on the beach, in a world which didn't seem to belong her, with people that seemed to be with her only by chance. She was different. And definitely beautiful.
Everything had changed from that day on. He changed, and she did it too. And the guy couldn't stand that who was keeping him parted from her, was the one who was his deadly enemy by nature. He knew that, deep inside, Bella cared about it so much more than she wanted to show. She always forced herself to hide each joy's expression when Cullen was near. But Jacob knew that the bloodsucker saw him as a threat. Leaving her, by the way, had been his choice, he couldn't blame anyone but himself.
But this knowledge, didn't help him anyway. Although the affection, the attraction, Bella wasn't suppose to give up on Edward. And this tormented him more than ever. If he wouldn't exist, if he would die more than a century before, like it was supposed to do, they would stay together, like it was the most natural thing in the world. He often reflected about it. A more serene life for both. And he wouldn't spend his days thinking about her, just to her, often risking to be lynched by the rest of the bunch.
While he was lost inside these thoughts, he heard a noise out of his room. He put the head out of the window and smiled, deafened by the old pick up's din.
"You slip into a thought and you never give up on it"
- Hey Bella!- he shouted. The girl smiled. She had no particular aim, no reason to go to La Push. Or at least she believed. Because when she saw Jacob's face enlighten by seeing her, she understood that that was her real aim. She just wanted him to be happy, and she understood that she was the reason because that happiness couldn't be realized. She sighed.
- Hi Jake- she answered. The guy hugged her, making her almost choke, as usual.
- What are you doing here?- he asked her.
- I wanted to see you- she answered, without thinking about the involvement of that sentence. In fact the smile on werewolf's face widened.
- Good. I wanted to see you too but you know, I didn't want to bother someone- she looked bad at him.
- And since when you don't want to create any problem Jake?- she said ironically.
- You're right. I live by making disasters. I was just plotting to slaughter vampires, but you interrupted me- he joked. Bella's look became even more gloomy.
- It's possible that you can't try to contain your hate? Or at least avoid expounding it to me every time we see?- she reproached him. He laughed.
- I can't help it, I'm a wolf-
- The fact that you're an animal doesn't justify your revenge's plans- she mumbled. The guy hooked on her.
- Ok, ok... the subject "bloodsucker" is officially ran out. Talking about it likes to me less than you believe. What do you think about having a walk to First Beach?- he proposed. She finally smiled.
- Good. Let's take advantage by the fact that today is a bit less cold as usual-
- Really? It seems to me that it's always very hot-
- I can't help it, you're a wolf- she aped him, then laughing they went to the beach.
- What news?- he asked her, after they sat on a cliff, the same which Bella, moths before, dived from.
- Nothing at all. The graduation is nearer. And I become even older- she answered, with a sad expression. He couldn't help but laugh.
- You're eighteen Bells. I think you're the only one who feels old-
- Sure. But not all the eighteen-year-old stay with a man fated not to become ever older... I just hope decide soon to...- he didn't make her end up. He stood up, trembling.
- Don't say that- he hissed. Bella sighed.
- Jake I can't help it. This is what I want. Be tied to him forever- Jacob didn't stand. He snarled, and he turned into. He went nearer the girl slowly. She felt the danger, but she couldn't be afraid of her friend. He showed his teeth to her, and her reaction was just a laugh.
- Don't ever lose your temper, Jake! Sooner or later you have to accept this thing- she went nearer, caressing his snout – And then, you can even contemplate the idea that I'll go on loving you, ever, each kind I belong to- the wolf ran fast behind some trees. When he came back, he assumed again a human shape.
- I'm sorry- he murmured hanging his head. She smiled, tender.
- Nothing. I know my decision hurts you Jake, but...- he interrupted her.
- It's not that Bell... it's just that I…- he sighed, then went on – I'll never got used to the fact that you're going not to be... human anymore. That you're skin won't be hot ever again, you'll never slush anymore... you're not going to be again the usual clumsy Bella-
- But I'll stay the same- she whispered. He shook his head.
- I would not take it to heart, I can't ever if I force myself- she hugged him, and kissed him on his cheek. They stared, their faces a few centimeters far.
"I feel you. Insomuch as you upset. Insomuch as it's already late"
- Stay who you are. Until you're human, you're also a bit mine Bella- he murmured. She, with an exasperating slowness, kissed him. Jacob stayed still for a time it seemed endless to him. Then, with impetuosity, he surrounded her shoulder with his arms, almost hiding her from the world around, and under his weight, he made her fall with her back on the ground, deepening the kiss. She stood aside a bit.
- I'm sorry Jake- she said feebly.
- You don't have to be- he answered, breathless.
- Yes, I have to. The fault of all this is mine, I always deceived you. You have no idea of how much I hate myself for this-
- You're the most beautiful deceiving that is always been allowed to me. Don't stop- he denied, kissing her again.
Devoured by guilt, she didn't reject him, but she kissed him back, hugging him stronger.
When they stopped, both breaths were terribly fast. No one of them could understand at all what happened, neither why they stopped.
Edward's image hit Bella with so much violence that she groaned. She could never do something that didn't involve the suffering of one of them. But she was caught in the middle, by a side the heat, that happy look, childish, the endless affection. On the other one, the cold, the perfection, he life's love. She gave him another kiss, aware, then she stood up again.
- I'll always belong to you Jacob. Whether I'm a human or not. Because I'm always Isabella Swan, my skin could change, my heart could stop beating, but even if it would be still, a part of it would always be yours. This is not supposed to change ever-
- I just want that part to prevailed-
- It's the right half. I could leave it to you, but it wouldn't be right to you, to me or to Edward. I belong to him as I belong to you-
- But you're going toward him- he made her notice, sad as never.
- He's the reason because I was born- she just said.
- It's not like that. He's the reason because you're going to die-
And I couldn't imagine sweeter death than by his hand she thought, avoiding to say it loud. She caressed her friend's cheek.
- Tell me what do you want Jake... tell me if you're supposed to go on be mine-
- You're flipping selfish Bella- he accused her. She nodded.
- It's true, I'm selfish. But I couldn't stand to live without you- he laughed bitterly.
- Would you like to explain to me why did you kiss me?-
- Because I'm attracted to you. Because I love you. Because you're irreplaceable. You gave me all of you, and I… would give you something back-
- And why? Do you feel in debt?-
- No. I know that everything you did for me, you did disinterestedly. But you did- she explained. They both sighed, then she started walking.
- Are you going away?- he asked, deluded. She turned back, frowning.
- If my presence hurts you this much, maybe it's the best thing- she declared. He ran after her and grabbed her wrist.
- Stop it Bells. You know how much I'm amused by hurting myself. And you're just right for this aim- he smiled to her.
- I would like not go away ever- she confessed, head down.
- So, don't do it- he proposed, sly. She smiled.
- I know you would like this too Jacob… more than is proper- she gave him her hand, and they kept on walking together. When they got back home, she went toward her pick up.
- Are you going to him?- the guy asked her.
- No. I just need to go away right now, or I'll risk not to do it anymore. I told you… you have no idea about what you arouse in me-
- Oh yes, I know it – he sighed – But I have to admit that you would never be totally happy without him… so the decision is yours- he said, sadly.
"Stay until you want"
- See you soon Jake- she told him, rising on her car. He smiled.
- Before you believe. And… Bella?-
- Yes?-
- I'll never give up on you. Whether you're a human or a bloodsuker… I'll wait for you. And I'll fight for you. I want you to promise me that you won't suffer for this- she smiled.
- And I want you not to suffer about my choices. But I know it's impossible-
- We'll see this- he challenged her, letting her go with a smile. He went back home, without he could stop thinking about her.
She was all. She loved him. And at the moment, her love was useless to him. He sighed. He was the most damn creature in the world, more than all Cullen together. Because Edward played with the only one thing which made sense to him, which made his life complete. He presented her to him, and then took her back. The hate was deafening him. But he didn't surrender. His life was voted to her. Like he lived for it, he was disposed to die for it too. But he wasn't supposed to ever have some regrets. He laughed, such a crazy. His head, full just with her face and her name. Bella.