=/\= Yada, yada, yada, you know the drill, it's Paramounts, just let me get on with the story.
Code: J/7
Rating: PG
Warning: Kinda depressing, but all stories written in the present tense seem to be.
Lost.
By
I wonder if she knows I do this. Somehow, I don't think she'd like the idea of anyone watching her as she's regenerating.
Chakotay discussed giving her quarters, but I said no.
"Not enough room." I said.
But I was lying, if she had her own quarters, I wouldn't be able to do this.
She's so beautiful, and it makes me want to scream sometimes, that she doesn't realize it. Not to mention those biometric suits. I see the way they look at her, most of the men on the ship, and quite a few of the women, too. They have no regard for her as a person, to them she's still just a drone, and I want to kill them every time I see that in their eyes.
Like if given the chance, they would just take her-
No, Kathryn, stop it.
I don't want to think about her being with another.
It's too much.
I love her too much, although I could never tell her that.
She would just cock her head to the side in that manner of hers, and say "Explain."
But it's not something that I can explain, like that feeling I had when she first came on board. That she was worth all the trouble. And she was, the others are only just realizing that now.
Chakotay took the longest. He never liked her from the start. I think he knew, that eventually, she would replace him. I used to love him, I truly did. And I wish I could pin point the exact moment when that part of me died, but I can't. All I remember is that I went to him, I needed comfort. And, I felt nothing. And he knew it.
She looks so peaceful when she's regenerating. So unlike the woman who always stands before me in my ready room, demanding that I change Starfleet regulations, solely on the basis that she believes them to be "inefficient."
Sometimes I think she purposely picks fights with me. And I admit I do pay her more attention when she's doing something wrong, than when she's adhering to the rules.
Maybe that's why she does it. Maybe the only reason she fights with B'Elanna, threatens the crew, and torments Harry. To get my attention.
Now, you're being selfish, Kathryn.
You know what? I guess I am. Because she's all I own, all I can believe is mine. Her, and a long, fancy title. Voyager, Voyager belongs to her crew. Not her Captain, not to Starfleet, and not to the Federation. But, Seven lets me own her. Or at least, believe I do. She's really too free to be captured. Seven could never be captured like that. But she lets me believe.
I should leave her soon, but I don't want to. Like the time I fell asleep here, on the floor of Cargo Bay 2. She was gone when I awoke, but I was lying on a Starfleet issue cot, covered with a thin blanket. We've never spoken of that, but I know she must've put me there.
This is the only other place where I'm not that Captain. Here, and in my quarters, I'm Kathryn. Kathryn Janeway, a solitary human female, lost, not only in space, but also among her own. And Seven, she's like a shining beacon, showing me the way, although I think I'm happier lost. Because I choose to be here, at this point, lost, and seeking something I don't even know from an ex-drone who's only just rediscovering her humanity.
I think she's teaching me as she learns.
I think I've forgotten.
I think I needed to forget.
And it's time I found what I've lost.
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