Chapter 1

Kerry Weaver couldn't sleep. She missed her. Every day it hurt more. No one could replace Kim. Rolling over in bed Kerry spotted the alarm clock. It was three o'clock in the morning and she had to be at work in less than three hours. She needed her sleep, yet she couldn't. She hadn't been sleeping since Kim had been fired and had left the scene entirely. Kerry thought about all those nights they had shared together. The tears came when she realized that it was all over. No more late nights with Kim at her side, no more awkward mornings after, no more relationship. Damn Kim for finding someone else. It was as if she had moved on entirely without even thinking about how she affected Kerry.

Kerry slammed her fist into the pillow and rolled over on to her face, the tears falling more freely now. She just wanted Kim back. She wanted all the ridicule to go away at work and she wanted more than anything for Kim to walk in to that ER the next day and take her back. She wanted her to tell her that she and Lori were over and that she had made the wrong decision.

But that was not a possible situation. She knew for a fact that Kim Legaspi was not, in fact, coming back to County General. Ever.

She let the thought drop, however comforting it had been, and got up, grabbing her cane from the side of the bed. She used it to get her to the bathroom where she popped open a bottle of sleeping pills. She knew one would be too strong so she broke it in half, swallowed it and then went back to her bed, trying to go back to sleep. Finally the pill worked its way in to her blood stream and she fell fast asleep.


Kerry had to drag herself out of bed, in to a shower, and to work, arriving several minutes late. Those sleeping pills had really done the trick. If they hadn't of been drilling outside her apartment, she wasn't sure she would be awake. No one seemed to notice that she had gotten in late, and she tried to act natural about it, getting right back in charge of everyone, barking orders and throwing clipboards at doctors as they came by. She noticed Susan Lewis was back, good for her, and especially good for the ER. They had been down a few doctors lately so they sure could use Lewis. And she was an excellent doctor.

"Susan, would you mind taking that patient in exam room three?" Kerry asked, handing a clipboard to Susan who was standing by the board, examining it.

"Sure." Susan took the clipboard and examined Kerry. "Are you all right Doctor Weaver?"

Kerry looked up from the stack of papers she was sifting through and nodded. "Yes, I'm fine. Why?"

"Oh, I don't know. You look a little tired."

Kerry smiled, "aren't we all?"

"I suppose." Susan found Kerry's niceness rather strange. Something was definitely going on with her.

Kerry watched as Susan walked away and frowned; did she really look that out of it? Leaning on her cane, Kerry began walking towards the bathrooms. She looked at the patients around her. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion. She wasn't focusing correctly, obviously. She really needed more sleep. Several doctors rushed past her and she noticed a woman lying on a gurney. She had blonde wavy hair.

Kerry's heart skipped a beat. She stood completely still, watching after the gurney. She could feel Kim's blonde wavy hair running through her fingers. What if that was Kim? Foolishly she found herself following the gurney as it went in to a trauma room. A nurse came out of the room and Kerry stopped her. "What's her name?"

"Shelley Pyser." The nurse said and then moved on down the hallway in search of some medical equipment.

Kerry took a deep breath and turned away, almost embarrassed by her little fantasy. She quickly went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. Her face was pale, she didn't look good at all. Turning on the sink, she splashed water on to her face and as she stood back up she could have sworn she saw Kim standing right behind her. But when she turned the image had disappeared.

What was wrong with her? Maybe she needed a physc consult. The very thought of such a thing reminded her that Kim had left the physc ward as well. She wasn't there any more.

Kerry dried her face on a paper towel and turned to leave but the opening of a bathroom stall revealed Elizabeth Corday with bloodshot eyes and tear stains on her cheeks. Both stood awkwardly, staring at the other, neither knowing what to say or do. "Doctor Corday?" Kerry asked, tilting her head sideways as she studied the red head.

Elizabeth in turn bit her lip, more tears welling in her eyes. "I'm sorry; I was just about to leave. I have to get back for a surgery, I just-" Her beautiful British voice trailed off as the tears fell. "I'm a mess; you shouldn't see me like this." Elizabeth turned away and got some paper towels, trying to dry off her face.

"No, no Elizabeth, it's okay." Kerry said, awkwardly moving towards Elizabeth. She put her hand on Elizabeth's arm who turned back to face Kerry.

"It's just so hard, you know?" Elizabeth cried.

"Shh, I know. Babies are hard work." Kerry moved Elizabeth so that she could lean against the sink cabinet.

Elizabeth nodded. "But it's not just Ella. Mark helps, but he just hasn't been his normal self, since…well…"

"Yeah." Kerry nodded, her hand automatically pushing some of Elizabeth's loose curls behind her ear.

Elizabeth took a shaky breath and closed her eyes. "Damn, I'm supposed to be a surgeon, not some emotional mess."

"Maybe you should take some time off." Kerry suggested, feeling strangely generous.

"No, no, Robert wouldn't go for that. He wants me in surgery right now, and what am I doing? I'm hanging out in the ER bathroom to get away from it. I'm such a baby." More tears formed in her eyes as she talked.

"Shh." Kerry ran her hand down Elizabeth's arm, soothing her. She turned and walked in to a bathroom stall, grabbing some toilet paper for Elizabeth. "Don't worry about it; you're entitled to have these post pregnancy break downs. It's all very normal; I've seen it before in several pregnancies." Kerry assured her.

Elizabeth dabbed at her eyes with the toilet paper and then laughed. "I'm being so silly." She turned and looked in to the mirror, beginning to rearrange herself so that she didn't look as if she had been crying in the bathroom for the last half hour. She caught Kerry watching her in the mirror and smiled at her. "Thank you." Turning around to get some paper towels to dry her hands, she looked directly at Kerry, who appeared to be distant at the moment. "When you came in here, were you upset?" Elizabeth asked, remembering that Kerry had only come in and splashed water on her face. It appeared neither had actually come to the bathroom to use the bathroom.

"Oh, no." Kerry broke from her thoughts. She really did need to stop lying to everyone. "I was just tired; I had a long night last night."

"Oh, late shift?" Elizabeth looked perfect once again; one could hardly tell she had been crying only seconds before.

"No, I guess I couldn't sleep."

"I see, well if you ever need to talk I'm here." Elizabeth, finding Kerry somewhat a good confidant, offered.

"Well thank you, Doctor Corday." Kerry smiled.

"Elizabeth, please." Elizabeth smiled and then left the bathroom.

Kerry waited several minutes before heading out of the bathroom only to run in to Carter. "Doctor Carter, did you check that patient in room three?"

"The one complaining of back pain?" Carter asked. Kerry nodded yes. "I gave him some medication and sent him home. He should be fine."

"Good, we need more beds." Kerry walked on and went back to the front desk where she was usually stationed. There weren't many traumas that day, so she hadn't been that busy. She could use this time to catch up on some paper work which seemed to be piling up. She grabbed a folder and opened it, beginning to shift through papers when she heard the radio transmitter for the EMT's, which was used to report accidents say something about a "-woman, early thirties maybe. She's been hit by a truck and is having trouble breathing. Can I bring her there?"

Kerry quickly went over to the microphone, taking it from another doctor who was speaking in to it. "Yes, we can admit her." Turning, she found Abby. "Can you prep a trauma room; we have a crash victim coming in."

"Sure." Abby set down a chart she had been writing in and went to prep trauma room one.

Kerry didn't know why she was getting so worked up about this case. Grabbing her coat, since it was beginning to get cold again, she stepped out into the waiting dock, Carter following behind her. "I heard there's a crash victim coming in." He said, blowing on his cold hands and rubbing them together.

"Yeah." Kerry nodded and then turned to face him. "Are you on this case too?"

"I figured I would since all my others are doing okay." Carter shrugged.

"Good." Kerry nodded, stuffing her hands into her warm pockets. "She was hit by a truck."

"Do you know who it is?" Carter asked, noting a hint of empathy in Kerry's voice.

"No." Kerry answered plainly just as they heard an ambulance several blocks away.

"Here they come." Carter smiled, walking forwards a bit, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the ambulance. They watched silently as it backed in and once it had stopped moving Kerry went forward, pulling open the doors.

"Lori?"