Worth It

I never let you see my pain. You should know that by now. But you don't. You see me smile at you in the hallway and you think that everything's okay. You've never realized how much pain is behind those smiles. You've never realized that behind my emotionless mask I'm crying. I try to talk to you and you walk away. I realize it's only because you have to keep up your image for those people you call your friends. Still, I hide my eyes so no one will see just how much you're hurting me.

When we're alone, when there's no one to see what you call your weakness; that's when you hold me. I pretend to be content with this; with your nighttime embrace. But I'm not. You don't see how much I need you. You think I'm oblivious to what you do during the day. I'm not. Sometimes I watch you and your friends and pretend that it's me in your arms instead of Narcissa. Deep down, I know that it'll never be. I'll always be invisible to you. I'll always be just that boy in the corner, that boy who only at night can be called your boy.

Sometimes we spend our time together studying. But you have no idea what I'm really studying. You memorize charms; I memorize how adorable you look when you concentrate. You lose yourself in potions; I lose myself in your eyes. But I don't let you see this. I don't want you to know how much I care. Maybe if you never know my true feelings; it won't hurt so bad when you finally leave me. I know you're destined to marry Narcissa, I know we could never be, I know all those things, but sometimes I wish you understood. You see this as a game, I know you do.

I know you never meant this to hurt me. I know you think it's a game for me too. I know you think I love Lily. I know you'd leave me if you knew that none of those things are true. I'll never admit how much seeing you with Narcissa hurts me. I'll never say how much I care. And if you ask me if I love Lily, I'd lie and say I do. I can't change what you believe, but if pretending to be something I'm not will make you stay, then it's worth it. And it always will be.