If Not Me

Chapter 1

"Warrick is gone. Sara's gone back to where she ran away to, how can things be any worse?" Gil thought to himself. He was trying to get some sleep after working his 6th double in a row, but it wasn't working.

Finally he gave up; Gil got up and took a shower, put on some clean clothing and went to the kitchen. Gil grabbed a cup of coffee and forced himself to eat a muffin, he had not felt like eating lately but he knew he had to eat something. Going out the door, Gil looked at Hank.

"Funny," Gil said, "Hank seems to miss her too." The dog had not eaten much since Sara left and all he did was lay around the house. Gil had taken Hank to the vet; the vet told him he could find nothing wrong.

Upon his arrival at the lab Gil found out that Ecklie had called in a shrink, someone to help anyone who thought they needed to talk to about Warrick's death, or just about whatever might be bothering them.

Everyone was required to see the doctor at least once. Gil resented that, he could handle this himself, and Gil Grissom did not need to talk to anyone.

When Gil went to his meeting, all he could ask was if a dog could miss a person. "Am I wasting your time, Dr. Grissom?" the psychologist asked. Gil just grunted. "You will have to talk to some one about your feelings, your problems. If not me - then someone," was all she said.

Coming in from his case, Gil couldn't find Hodges, "Greg, do you know where I can find Hodges?" he asked. "Yeah, he went upstairs to talk to the doc," Greg told him, "You want me to do that for you?" "I can handle it myself," Gil said shaking his head. Walking away, Gil mumbled to himself, "Hodges should have seen a shrink a long time ago." Gil was in trace, trying to run the evidence, but he had made a few mistakes. Hodges walked in and apologized for not being there. "I got it under control," Gil said just as he dropped a test tube and it broke "I'll take care of that sir," Hodges said. Embarrassed and a little ashamed, Gil mumbled an apology and went to his office. Sitting on the couch Gil buried his face in his hands. "What the hell is the matter with me? I can't keep my mind on my work. Nothing makes sense to me," Gil said out loud to no one special.

The words of the psychologist came back to him, she had told Gil he had to talk to someone - if not her them someone. But who? Who would understand what he was feeling? No one knew the real GILBERT GRISSOM.

There was a knock at his door, lifting his head Gil saw Lady Heather. Gil motioned her in, "It is good to see you." "You also," Heather told him. She took a seat next to Gil, "I was sorry to hear about Warrick, I know he was your friend." "Yes, he was that and more," Gil said to her, "What is it you need?"

"I thought you might need to talk to someone," Heather told Gil. Gil thought he could handle it himself, thought he either could not or would not need to talk to anyone, but suddenly he was. Gil was telling Heather everything, about the helplessness he felt as Warrick's life slipped through his fingers, about how it tore his heart in two as Warrick pulled in his last breath, about how he wished he could kill the man that murdered Warrick.

Then Gil told Heather about his love for Sara, Gil started with the first time he saw her right up to the day she walked out of his life, Gil left nothing out. Gil told Heather things that, for some reason, he was never able to tell Sara. He told Heather about the emptiness he felt inside, about the mistakes he was making at the lab and how he could not concentrate on anything. "My world is coming to an end and I feel there is nothing I can do about it," Gil said.

Touching Gil's shoulder, Heather said, "Go to her." "I can't," Gil told Heather. "Listen to me," she told him, "Your world is out of order because your life is out of order. Your life is out of order because your priorities are out of order. You know how to fix it - do it." Heather stood and touched Gil's cheek, "You are a dear friend. I do not want to see you destroy yourself. Go."

Heather turned and walked out the door, Gil looked at the clock, he could not believe they had talked for over three hours. Gil picked up the phone, made arrangements and walked out the door. Heather was still standing by his door; he left so fast he did not see her. Heather smiled, took out her phone, "We talked ….. Yes ….. You're welcome."

Gil's plane landed, Sara ran to him and Gil wrapped her in his arms. "How did you know?" Gil asked between kisses. "A friend told me," Sara said. "I can't live without you," Gil told her. "I don't want to," Sara answered.

Gil grabbed his bag and as they walked to her car, Sara could not believe what she was seeing. Sara knew it was Gil but she also knew it was not HER Gil. Sara wondered when was the last time he had slept or the last time he had had a decent meal. Gil looked more like a homeless drunk than the strong man she had fell in love with.

At her apartment Sara told Gil to shower and she would fix something to eat. Gil came from the shower; he looked like a new man. Walking up behind Sara, Gil kissed her neck, saying to her "I'm only a little hungry." Sara smiled, "Try to eat." Gil sat and ate; he suddenly realized how hungry he really was. When Gil had finished, Sara took his hand, "Now you need to sleep." Gil smiled at her, "Only if you lay with me." Sara snuggled close to Gil and held him until he fell asleep.

When Gil had drifted off to sleep, Sara wiggled from his arms and covered him. She went to the bathroom and collected Gil's dirty clothing and the towels he had used. Going to the kitchen, she tossed them in the washer and cleared the table. When all this was done, Sara went to the couch, picked up her book and read. She was determined not to wake Gil.