ROCK OF AGES: A (VERY) ABRIDGED SCRIPT

DIRECTOR ADAM SHANKMAN (singing)

"Hi, ho, hi ho,

It's off to work I go

To sing and play…

Milk every cliché

Hi ho! Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho!"

JULIANNE HOUGH (singing)

"I'm just a small town girl

With bouncy shiny hair

Watch me belt out all these cheesy ballads

As if I hadn't a care."

DIEGO BONETA (singing)

"I'm just a hunk with big dreams

And you'll learn right off the bat

That I've got nerves and Daddy issues

Which are overcome in five minutes flat."

JH and DB (singing together)

"We're here to snare young fans of Glee

You won't believe what happens next

Mom and Dad will really dig these songs

While you may prefer to text."

ALEC BALDWIN (singing)

"I've sprouted frightening facial hair

I've gained a ton of weight

I resemble a walrus with intestinal issues

I may need to fire my agent…"

RUSSELL BRAND (singing)

"I'm British everyone!

With a funny accent! Isn't that wack!

Watch me run around and posture

Like the Energizer Bunny on crack!"

TOM CRUISE (singing)

"I'm. Too sexy for my shirt

I'm both sexy bastard and sensitive soul

So let's pick up a bass guitar

And play that old time rock and roll!"

ALEC BALDWIN (singing)

"My club, the Bourbon, is going broke

So, TOM, I need you to come give us a whirl

Plus to kick-start the movie's plot

Let's add your sleazy manager and a girl."

PAUL GIAMATTI (singing)

"I'm toxic wasted personified

I'm gonna do everything my own way

I'm gonna fleece the Bourbon

Until TOM saves the day."

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (singing)

"I'm a tight-assed witch on a crusade

I hate rock and roll

It makes kids bite the heads off neighbor's horses

It poisons the brain and corrupts the soul."

MALIK ACKERMAN (singing)

"I've got some sexy specs

So I must get to be the 'brainy chick'

TOM, tell me the story of your life

In order to add some plot to this flick."

TOM CRUISE (singing)

"I'm a lost lad who needs to grow up

Look, here's JULIANNE looking hot

Let's have a wacky misunderstanding

To add even more semblance of PLOT."

DIEGO BONETA (singing)

"JULIANNE, how could you

I thought you loved MEI'm never, ever gonna forgive you

'Cause I smolder when I'm sulky."

PAUL GIAMATTI (singing)

"DIEGO, don't despair

I can bring you fortune and fame

If you become a boy band member

'Cause hair bands are passé and lame."

JULIANNE HOUGH (singing)

"And I'm gonna become a stripper

Watch me seek empowerment in the pole

Geez, who dreamed up this plot twist?

But I guess eye candy is my role."

EXT. The boulevard of iniquity

RUSSELL BRAND (singing)

"We built this city on rock and roll

No, eighties' fans don't start singing yet

This is not another power ballad

This is just another wacky mashup."

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (singing)

"We're not gonna take it!

No! This film needs more CONFLICT!

Even though I used to have a crush on him

I'm gonna picket TOM's concert."

TOM CRUISE (singing)

"Uh, CATHERINE? We had a history once

You were my total number one fan

Now that I've spilled your secret

It's time for you to drop this stand."

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (singing)

"Hey, it's almost the end of the movie.

So I'll whip off this power suit and get naughty

Courage of my convictions - what are they?

Because it's time for all of us to PARTY."

DIRECTOR ADAM SHANKMAN (singing)

"Now that all the characters have overcome their differences

Brought together by the power of SONG

And SURI's college fund has been established.

I think ENDING here can't go wrong!"

END