ROCK OF AGES: A (VERY) ABRIDGED SCRIPT
DIRECTOR ADAM SHANKMAN (singing)
"Hi, ho, hi ho,
It's off to work I go
To sing and play…
Milk every cliché
Hi ho! Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho!"
JULIANNE HOUGH (singing)
"I'm just a small town girl
With bouncy shiny hair
Watch me belt out all these cheesy ballads
As if I hadn't a care."
DIEGO BONETA (singing)
"I'm just a hunk with big dreams
And you'll learn right off the bat
That I've got nerves and Daddy issues
Which are overcome in five minutes flat."
JH and DB (singing together)
"We're here to snare young fans of Glee
You won't believe what happens next
Mom and Dad will really dig these songs
While you may prefer to text."
ALEC BALDWIN (singing)
"I've sprouted frightening facial hair
I've gained a ton of weight
I resemble a walrus with intestinal issues
I may need to fire my agent…"
RUSSELL BRAND (singing)
"I'm British everyone!
With a funny accent! Isn't that wack!
Watch me run around and posture
Like the Energizer Bunny on crack!"
TOM CRUISE (singing)
"I'm. Too sexy for my shirt
I'm both sexy bastard and sensitive soul
So let's pick up a bass guitar
And play that old time rock and roll!"
ALEC BALDWIN (singing)
"My club, the Bourbon, is going broke
So, TOM, I need you to come give us a whirl
Plus to kick-start the movie's plot
Let's add your sleazy manager and a girl."
PAUL GIAMATTI (singing)
"I'm toxic wasted personified
I'm gonna do everything my own way
I'm gonna fleece the Bourbon
Until TOM saves the day."
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (singing)
"I'm a tight-assed witch on a crusade
I hate rock and roll
It makes kids bite the heads off neighbor's horses
It poisons the brain and corrupts the soul."
MALIK ACKERMAN (singing)
"I've got some sexy specs
So I must get to be the 'brainy chick'
TOM, tell me the story of your life
In order to add some plot to this flick."
TOM CRUISE (singing)
"I'm a lost lad who needs to grow up
Look, here's JULIANNE looking hot
Let's have a wacky misunderstanding
To add even more semblance of PLOT."
DIEGO BONETA (singing)
"JULIANNE, how could you
I thought you loved MEI'm never, ever gonna forgive you
'Cause I smolder when I'm sulky."
PAUL GIAMATTI (singing)
"DIEGO, don't despair
I can bring you fortune and fame
If you become a boy band member
'Cause hair bands are passé and lame."
JULIANNE HOUGH (singing)
"And I'm gonna become a stripper
Watch me seek empowerment in the pole
Geez, who dreamed up this plot twist?
But I guess eye candy is my role."
EXT. The boulevard of iniquity
RUSSELL BRAND (singing)
"We built this city on rock and roll
No, eighties' fans don't start singing yet
This is not another power ballad
This is just another wacky mashup."
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (singing)
"We're not gonna take it!
No! This film needs more CONFLICT!
Even though I used to have a crush on him
I'm gonna picket TOM's concert."
TOM CRUISE (singing)
"Uh, CATHERINE? We had a history once
You were my total number one fan
Now that I've spilled your secret
It's time for you to drop this stand."
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (singing)
"Hey, it's almost the end of the movie.
So I'll whip off this power suit and get naughty
Courage of my convictions - what are they?
Because it's time for all of us to PARTY."
DIRECTOR ADAM SHANKMAN (singing)
"Now that all the characters have overcome their differences
Brought together by the power of SONG
And SURI's college fund has been established.
I think ENDING here can't go wrong!"
END
