The REAL Story of Runescape

Hello, this is a story made by me, Ohforftheloveofpete. It's a parody of the story of the lore of the game. Let me know what you think.

Once upon a time there was this god named Guthix. He was really, REALLY lazy, which is why he took a nap for thousands of years. Before he did that though, he created much of Gielinor as we know it that was still used thousands of years later.

One day a god named Zaros appeared. Back then, life was peaceful because everyone was lazy bums that were too slothful to wage wars and things like that. But one day this all changed.

A very evil Mahjarrat named Zamorak decided to kill Zaros because he took his kidney to sell on Ebay. The plan was pretty redundant, as not only was Zaros was immortal, but his minions were wimpier than rats and spiders, and Zaros' guards were stronger than the Corporeal Beast. How did Zamorak succeed in his plans? The answer: dumb luck.

As it turns out, the guards had decided to sleep on duty for the one night that Zamorak launched his assault on Zaros' base, allowing him to fight Zaros alone. Zaros was about to obliterate him with a flick with his finger when Zamorak asked him what was behind him. Zaros turned around and Zamorak stabbed him from behind with his Staff of Armadyl he bribed away from Armadyl. Due to his lack of weapon safety, he accidentally stabbed himself as well, allowing him to absorb all of his powers and become more powerful than Chuck Norris, eventually becoming a god. Zaros faded out of existance due to a plot hole, and cursed various people that were involved in the god war to become Muppets for no apparent reason.

Not long after, a series of wars broke out between the gods. Armadyl waged war against Saradomin because he ate some chicken wings. Bandos waged war against Zamorak because he said he was surrounded by idiots while he was training goblins. Due to poorly thought out alliance treaties, it soon turned into a war larger than the size of General Graardor.

During the war, terrible things happened. Lord Drakan stole and threatened to destroy Queen Efaritay's beloved teddy bear if she refused to surrender Hallowvale. Given no choice, Meiyerditch became Drakan's. Thammaron was fatally wounded during the battle of Uzer when he was falcon punched by a clay golem. The Dorgeshuun goblins were banished from the surface world when they refused to go on a mission that involved running out in a field during a storm with a lightning rod. Mother Mallum enslaved much of the world using her sea slug minions, which turned people into Teletubbies. The Temple Knights narrowly stopped her, trapping her in Teletubbyland. Zaros's remaining fortresses were destroyed by the Terminator. These were just a few of the events that transpired.

Eventually Guthix was woken up by all the violence. He was very cranky after being woken up, as with most sentient lifeforms, and immediately stopped the fighting. He restored most of the land back to normal, however due to the wilderness being used as a nuclear test site, it was unable to repaired, and became a place where creatures called revenants would jump out in front of people and yell obscenities. He threatened to summon the dreaded beast of destruction, Barney the Dinosaur, if they ever waged war again. The other gods were so scared that they no longer directly interacted with the outside world again. He then went back to sleep, this time putting on a pair of earmuffs.

Things pretty much went back to normal after that, aside from a few people that would run around various areas wearing woman's dresses. It was normal as normal could be...

THE END

So what did you think? Please R&R!