Disclaimer: Well, this is probably the most self-indulgent thing I've written in a while . . . Hope it's good, though. Naturally, SIU knows nothing about this, and that is probably for the best. This is really long though . . . I have no idea what will happen when I update it. Will the updates be much shorter? Will they become huge monstrosities? Or will they be about the same as this? According to my writing program it's about thirty pages. . . if anyone can stick through all the way to the end, please let me know. . . .
I hope I don't come across as too similar to Wangnan or Bam, haaaa. . . and I hope everyone is in character. It's a bit tricky from this perspective; even with third person limited I can occasionally stray over to other characters, but with myself, in first person . . . I say this in the story too, but I'm not very observant. . . . The scene with Bam after the test was very spur of the moment, so I hope that doesn't seem forced either. Haah, well, anyway, time to stop making this even longer. I hope you all enjoy!
Day One:
I guess I'm starting a diary; I've never had one before, successfully, but I think I'm at the point where I need to write things down. There's no one here I can really talk to. . . . Except maybe Bam? But honestly, he's really busy, and I guess he's not coming back for a while. . . .
I'm not really sure where to begin - I hate writing journals because I always end up moping and sounding delusional, but . . . I'm on a train, I guess - they call it the Hell Train. And the train, amazingly enough, is inside a tower.
Everyone has been very patient with me, and very kind, but I'm not even sure I'm awake or alive. I mean, I woke up in a strange bed, in a barren room. There was nothing in there except for the bed itself - I'm not sure I've ever seen a room that bare, even when I went to job corps and moved into a dorm for the first time. And there was no preamble - no explosions, no cruise trips to the Bermuda Triangle. I just went to sleep after work yesterday and . . . woke up here, I guess.
My limbs moved well enough on their own, so I got out of there as quickly as possible. I was a little wobbly at first, but managed to make it out of the room without falling, only to walk straight into a man - Bam, actually.
I'm not really . . . sure how to describe him? He has very pretty eyes, short brown hair; golden eyes, actually, mellow and warm, like light itself had gotten trapped in them, or like honey. A little taller than me, maybe a head, and . . . I guess the best way to describe his build would be lithe? He was dressed fairly casually, but still managed to look distracting.
He is very distracting, that's how I'll describe him.
He also has a very nice voice; smooth and gentle. There is nothing in particular that stands out about him - not like his companions, who are all one variety of imposing or another, with striking hair and eyes and one of them actually has a small horn protruding from her forehead - but there's something about the way he stands that just draws people in.
I'm wary of things like this, I have to admit. Charismatic people in my life have not generally heralded good things.
Aaaah, but I still can't stop thinking about how he felt when I crashed into him? It's so embarrassing! I shouldn't be feeling this way about someone, especially not right off the bat! He was really solid like. . . . he definitely had a lot of muscles. I need more muscles. I need to be muscleist so I won't be influenced by them!
(And then I can fight people and win? I'll be the strongest!)
Anyway, we kind of stared at each other for a moment, and he said something - I had no idea what, and I still don't know, because what came out of his mouth at the time was unlike anything I had ever heard before? Apparently in this world, they have "Pockets" which are sort of round balls with a lot of different capabilities, like storing objects in "Inventory Mode" and translating everything people say into a language called "Mexes" so that people can understand each other without any trouble. I think that's a huge copout and a shame, but! Now I have one too, and I have to admit it's much easier this way. . . .
Anyway, he said something, and it must have been pretty clear that I didn't understand, because he grew much paler and took my hand, pulling me off to who-knew-where at the time, though once we got past the series or corridors he took me around, it turned out to be his companions.
There was a lot of shouting as we got closer, so I have to admit - I was a little nervous, and though I tried not to drag him back, my hand did cling onto his a bit more tightly than was necessary.
And, to be completely frank, I definitely hid behind him when we arrived at our destination - there was a bright flash of light, and then a strangled cry of frustration before we entered to find a dark haired woman with red eyes.
Between her features and Bam's, I feel like I stood out a lot, and not really in a good way. She was also very pretty, even dressed in a short trench coat and sneakers. Someone spoke to her, and when I peered over Bam's shoulder, I saw another man, short in stature, with short, silver hair and a very weary expression.
These two would turn out to be Ha Yuri Jahad and Evan, later. Yuri is a princess, and I guess she has a reputation for being hard headed and a rulebreaker, but honestly she seems really cool? She's been very kind, though she tends to pick on Endorssi a bit. I think they're sisters though. Like, not biologically but. . . technically?
She said something, immediately focusing on Bam, and then turned her attention to me. I hid behind Bam further, and he turned, saying something to me that at first I thought was reassurance.
(He still hadn't let go of my hand yet either, even as he moved away from me. He just continued speaking - I only realized he was actually talking to Yuri when she responded.)
Bam stroked the back of my hand with his thumb while she turned to the short man behind her, and smiled at me reassuringly. I . . . could only duck my head and stare at the floor, until eventually the short man passed me this . . . black sphere, about the size of a basket ball. They urged me to take it - and when I did . . .
Well, it's a bit hard to explain. I think there were pages, somewhere - something in my head lit up, and there was a bit of a light show behind my eyes; glowing words gradually became more coherant, but before I could really make out anything it was over.
Yuri was peering at me curiously, "Can you understand me, now?"
The weird feeling behind my temples hadn't quite faded, and I took a step back, letting go of Bam's hand so I could rub at my temples, and nod.
I think I may have mumbled something to the affirmative there, and she smiled brightly, "Excellent! Do you remember how you got here at all?"
I had to deny this. I'd done nothing out of the ordinary the day before, and certainly not before going to bed.
This seemed to trouble them, but Bam quickly intervened, "I didn't really remember how I got on the first floor either."
I think he was trying to reassure me, because when I looked up again, he offered me a quick smile.
Yuri considered this, and Evan sighed, "That's the first floor though - irregulars are naturally supposed to arrive there. To suddenly arrive on the Hell Train . . . I'm not sure I've heard of something like that."
He looked me up and down, and frowned.
"She doesn't feel particularly strong," Yuri said, scratching the back of her head, "I guess maybe Urek is unique even for outside of the tower."
"Yeah, I think he's pretty unique," Bam agreed.
"Maybe she'll make a good wave controller," Yuri offered, "Like you did."
"Yuri-noona," I'm not sure quite how to explain the sensation of my head that accompanied this form of address; I can only assume that there wasn't a suitable translation in english, and so the pocket picked the next best thing, "She's not going to be fighting."
He seemed very certain of this. He stared at Yuri resolutely, and Yuri stared at me consideringly and Evan let out a loud sigh.
"He has a point, Princess," he said, "She doesn't have any training, and she hasn't been tested. We can't even be sure she'll survive the Hell Train, much less the Floor of Death. We'd better drop her off at the 40th floor. It's peaceful enough there, and she can find her way to the first floor easily enough."
"We're not leaving her there!" Bam sounded almost panicked when he said this; his fingers curled more tightly around themselves - I wanted to take his hand again, to reassure him, but I didn't and instead I turned to gauge Yuri's reaction.
She seemed thoughtful.
"It's the safest thing for her," Evan said solemnly, and then added, "Unless you want to give up going to the floor of death in order to look after her."
Bam had to look away; he didn't lower his head or act submissively, but he couldn't meet Evan's eyes, either.
Yuri was staring at me consideringly, "I don't know, Evan. . . Headon isn't exactly trustworthy."
"There's no way for her to get clearance for other floors or tests without going through the first floor," Evan said. This seemed to be check and mate for Yuri. She made a strangled noise and looked like she'd been punched in the stomach for a moment.
Bam didn't seem to like this either, but he didn't argue, "Then we'll keep a close eye on her until we get to the next floor."
Evan nodded, and Bam turned to leave. At the doorway, he paused, and looked back at me, "Um, do you want to meet everyone else? Miss. . . ."
I hadn't said my name yet to anyone, and quickly introduced myself, bobbing my head as I did so. Someone clapped me on the back from behind, and I turned to see Yuri grinning at me, "Don't worry, Min! We'll take good care of you!"
"Ah, thank you very much," I mumbled, "Sorry for the trouble."
"It can't be helped," Evan said, sounding somewhat sour, "Honestly, the situation was troublesome to begin with."
Yuri gripped both of my shoulders; her hands were really strong - I'm pretty sure I have bruises on my shoulders now, "Alright! Let's go meet everyone! Evan, tell everyone to meet in the dining area!"
"You know, people can just meet her gradually," Evan replied, "They all have things to do . . ."
"I'm fine with meeting people when it's more convenient," I offered as Yuri steered me out of the room after Bam, "It doesn't have to be right away."
"No, it's better this way. That way no one's surprised," Yuri replied, "It's good for everyone else too, don't worry! And this way you don't run into any weirdos by yourself!"
A glance at Evan told me he thought Yuri was probably the weirdest of all, but he didn't say anything; I decided not to argue any further as we continued after Bam.
He'd just ducked into what turned out to be "the dining area" - not really a cafeteria or anything, just a room that had been converted into a cooking area. Campfire, cooking utensils I didn't know the name of, that kind of stuff.
(Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out how to get away with not cooking. It's not that I can't do it, but I'm not confident in my abilities. . . I don't want to end up troubling people more by making something strange and inedible, or getting people sick.)
Well, the way the whole area is set up is that . . . we're on a giant train, and between everyone, we're in an area that's been tamed? Normally on the train you're in danger of running into monsters and the like. They sound pretty scary but it seems like we're safe here. . . on that note, Yuri doesn't want me to leave the camp area, but I wonder if that's really okay.
If I'm not going to be cooking, I should probably at least help with cleaning . . . but if I'm not going to be able to help the camp, I should definitely try to do both. I'm really nervous about cooking, though . . . especially because I'm not familiar with the food here. It's all good, but . . . I think it's more like korean food than pakistani or western food.
In any case, the only person who reacted to Yuri's summons - if Yuri actually sent a summons - was a gentleman with the most blue eyes I've seen since home ec in middle school, and hair that was also a pale blue color. He was dressed very business casual, much like Yuri, and Bam seemed to be talking about something with him.
"Yeah, I guess that's understandable," he said; Bam's eyes flicked over to me. It was a little weird, but I got the sense that his demeanor had changed suddenly when I touched the pocket.
I still had it with me, and I looked down at it now.
"Bam was just telling me we should have her stay in his room for now," the new gentleman - in a moment, he would introduce himself as Aguero Agnis Khun; everyone calls him Khun, though, even though he seems fairly close with Endorssi and Bam - told Yuri, "I think that makes sense, since he won't be back for a while after the test."
"Ah. . . yeah, good call," Yuri replied, seeming a little taken aback, "Bam, you're going back to the rice pot again?"
Bam nodded, giving her a smile that seemed very fake, "Yeah, I think that's for the best. The God of Guardians said he'd train me if I still wanted to get stronger."
He already seems very strong to me, honestly, but . . . I guess it doesn't matter how strong you are if someone wants to bring you down. They'll just get someone stronger involved. I hope he's okay with the God of Guardians in the Rice Pot? I know Yuri says to stay in the camp grounds, but I wonder if it would be okay to bring him something to eat?
Ugh, no, that's a bad idea! I shouldn't get so attached to people, especially if they haven't asked me to. Maybe it's just because he's the first person I saw when I woke up? And anyway, he probably has plenty to eat! It's not like it was an accident that he went there. . . . .
Anyway, before this devolves any further - Bam and Yuri talked about his training; Khun held out his hand to shake. I took it, introducing myself quickly and ducking my head again. I should probably stop doing that. It's probably really annoying.
He introduced himself back, "Pleased to meet you. I'm glad you woke up before Bam left - he was worried about you."
"Woke up. . . um, I wasn't asleep for that long, was I?" I asked. Khun seemed to consider this for a moment, and then reached up, pressing his finger to my forehead.
Everyone keeps touching me here, and it's weird. Well, everyone touched me a lot back home, too, but still . . . .
"No, I guess not," he replied, "It was only a day or so since we found you, but we weren't sure how long you were unconscious before that."
". . . Oh," was all I could think of to say to that. Actually, now that I think about it - I didn't wake up in my pajamas. I was wearing my normal work clothes instead, and I dont really have anything else to change into. I guess I'll probably need to worry about that later, though.
"Actually, if someone's in a coma for more than twenty-four hours, their chances of living are statistically really slim," I added, and honestly I'm not sure why that came out of my mouth, but here we are.
Khun pretended to look interested, "Oh, really? I guess you're very lucky, then."
"But if I'm going to be training Endorssi, and you're going to be training with Evan, and Bam's going to be training in the rice pot . . . ."
I turned to look at Yuri, who was pressing a finger to her temple almost delicately, "Then we should at least make sure she knows one other person other than us before we leave for the test. Boro seems reliable. . . does anyone know where he is?"
"No," Khun responded, "But Hwa Ryun won't be doing anything - she was just here to grab breakfast, and she should be in her room now."
"Honestly, if Hwa Ryun isn't here already, she probably doesn't want to be bothered," Evan said, "Redheads are like that."
"Hwa Ryun it is," Yuri said almost immediately. I'm not sure what kind of aura she was giving off, but even Bam seemed taken aback. She did have a strange expression on her face. . . .
All at once, I was grabbed and unceremoniously dragged out of the room, down some more halls and eventually outside of a door. Yuri knocked before just opening it and going in, "Hwa Ryun!"
I was presented to a redheaded woman with a red eye and an eyepatch, wearing a long skirt and warm looking jacket. It was pretty cold on the train, actually - I had to admit I was a little envious of the jacket.
"What?" she asked, flatly. She didn't even look at me; Yuri seemed to be having a hard time coming up with what to say.
"This is . . . an irregular. . . " was what she settled on.
Hwa Ryun glanced at me, and returned her attention to Yuri, "I can see that. We already rescued her so everyone knows who she is."
"Min. . . " Yuri said, "This is Hwa Ryun."
"Pleasure to meet you," I mumbled, "Sorry for the disturbance."
"Go away," Hwa Ryun replied. Yuri turned me around to do just that - I could almost hear her gritting her teeth, but I didn't get a chance to look up because Bam and Khun were peeking around the corner.
Bam looked startled when I met his eyes and immediately looked away. Khun gave me a winsome smile.
Bam said something to him that I didn't catch, and Khun said something back that made him smile - though Khun didn't look like he was joking around.
"Hey!" Yuri snapped, "Go find Boro, you fraudster!"
She evidently meant Khun, because he paled and disappeared. Bam seemed to think this was more or less normal; in any case, he didn't seem displeased with Yuri when she shoved me out the door and shut it behind me, sighing.
"She's hard to deal with, but you'll get used to her," she promised me, "Evan's so much better."
Evan had waited by the doorway, and weirdly, did not seem to take this as a compliment.
"Ms. Hwa Ryun's not so bad," Bam said; when his gaze fell on me, he quickly looked away, like he was startled to find me there.
It's sort of disheartening. He has really pretty eyes, too. But honestly, I wouldn't be able to look at me either; I'm sort of plain, but I have a thick frame and bodyhair everywhere - even on my throat, though I don't like to call it a beard. On top of that, I have thick eyebrows and glasses. My lips are really girly, but that probably only makes me look weirder.
In short . . . if my life were a shounen manga, I would probably be drawn like Elizabeth from Magi or similar joke characters.
This is only one of the reasons it's bad for me to fall in love, though. There are lots of other things that make me a bad person to get involved with, and if I fall in love I'll only want the other person to get involved with me, even though I should be focused on making them happy and helping them.
In any case, he accompanied Yuri and me back to the dining area, where he set about making himself breakfast. When he offered us something, I declined, though Yuri seemed happy to accept the food he offered.
It smelled really good . . . but I hate eating in front of people. . . . Anyway, I listened to them talk while they ate, but didn't really participate in the conversation. I think Yuri tried to pull me in a few times, but I was having one of those moods and didn't go along with it. I feel kind of bad about that now - I'd apologize, but she and Evan and Khun and Bam are all . . . .gone already.
I want to make sure all of them are eating well, but I can't cook. It's . . . disappointing.
I shouldn't dwell on all of this. I have to put my best forward starting now! But I'm really worried. No, I think scared is a better word. I'm really scared. This isn't like a blog or online chat - if things go badly, I'll be stuck as a burden.
Eventually an older man with silver hair arrived, accompanied by a younger looking redhead - who kept one eye covered much like Hwa Ryun. He was definitely not Hwa Ryun, though. His presence was completely different.
Khun followed behind them, looking exhausted from that trip alone. I wonder if he has a lot on his plate?
Boro was very welcoming; he shook my hand and clasped me on the shoulder, "I'm glad you woke up! We were worried about you."
Sachi wasn't quite as friendly, but he was still very nice; I got the feeling that he was the more reserved one between the two.
Eventually, other people filtered in - a large woman, much larger than I am, in a yellow dress and jacket, with her hair in pigtails, and a small girl floating behind her in a onesie on a pink cube, and eventually a . . . .
Well, eventually Endorssi. She looks like a model, all confidence and perfect bust to waist ratios and smooth, creamy skin. The only thing unmodel-like about her was that she was wearing a maxi skirt when it was definitely not summer, and I don't think those have been in fashion for a few years. She still made it look stunning though.
Her eyes were an eerie orange, not quite the mellow warm of Bam's, but still definitely on the gold end of the spectrum. I'm not sure what exactly was so unsettling about them, but she managed to accentuate the effect with red liner. To top it all off, she had a single horn protruding from one side of her forehead.
And . . . she pretty much disliked me from the beginning. I'm not sure if I looked too friendly with Yuri or if something about me was personally offensive, but she was. . . very abrasive.
"I see no reason why we all have to gather together to greet someone who's only been asleep all this time," she snapped, right away, "I could be sleeping right now, and none of you would care!"
Bam seemed used to this, but he spoke up anyway, smiling nervously - maybe placatingly,"We just want to make sure she knows someone who won't be busy after the test today."
Khun also seemed used to it, from where he'd settled between Bam and myself, "It's not like Endorssi will be around much either. Bear with it, Min."
I could only shrink further into my bulky grey sweater. Khun reached out and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, which only seemed to tick Endorssi off fruther.
"Sorry," I said, but I don't think anyone heard me.
Bam slowly passed more food out; Khun handed me a bowl before I could refuse. It was mostly rice - maybe bibimbap? But I'm not familiar with a lot of worldly cuisine.
I only know curry . . . I wish I were more cultured.
In any case, soon the room had a rowdy, warm atmosphere. The large woman introduced herself as Bero Bero, and though she seemed shy, I think she's a nice person. Her friend was very quiet, but Bero Bero introduced her as Cherry La. I think they have a sweets combo going on.
I like both of their names, though.
Despite my best efforts, though, Khun and Berobero eventually managed to pull me into conversation. I didn't have much useful to say, and I think I rambled a lot, but they were both very polite. I think even Bam and Yuri listened a little bit, which was nice of them.
Endorssi just grabbed her food and left; eventually, everyone else finished eating and filtered out as well, except Bero Bero and Cherry La, who I guess were sharing cleaning duties.
"We should exchange pocket information," Bam said as he was helping to organize everything; I'd decided to help Bero Bero and Cherry La with the dishes, and he'd lingered, as well as Khun.
Well, between all of us, dishes actually went pretty fast, though it almost seemed like too many people. Khun and Cherry La both dried, and Bam and Bero Bero both washed, and I . . . put things away.
I'm already really useless . . . .
"That's a good idea," Khun said, at the same time as I asked, "Pocket information?"
Bam smiled, "Yeah. You don't know about that, right? I'll show you. Give me your pocket."
I passed it to him, and he said, clearly, "Pocket, visible mode."
A pocket appeared next to him. I stared at it, a little confused, and he said, "Pockets can turn invisible. That way you don't have to worry about them."
This explanation leaves a lot to be desired, but I don't have the courage to ask any further. I feel like no one would explain it very well. How do the pockets not get lost when they're invisible? What do you do with them then? How does turning them invisible change anything?
Then he showed me how to enter information into the Pocket, using his own as an example. After he was done, Khun entered his as well, and then Bero Bero had me enter hers. Cherry La just slept through all of this.
Come to think of it, when Cherry La was drying dishes, she didn't do much there either . . . . . I'm not sure why, but she sleeps more than I do.
I guess that was about when it was time for the test, though, because when we were done, Bam asked, "Do you want to watch us take the test?"
"Huh?"
I hadn't expected it to be something that someone could watch. Seeing my expression, Khun nodded, "Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. That way you can get an idea of what sorts of things you're up against. Especially since you don't know anything as an irregular."
". . . What do you do in the tests?"
Bam considered this, "It depends. There's generally some strategy and fighting, though."
I wasn't sure how to respond to this. Normally I have no problem with fighting, but something about this just . . . gave me a bad feeling. I didn't like looking at either of the men next to me and thinking of them as soldiers, but that's what it sounded like - like they were at war with something.
Well, the actual test wasn't that bad; everyone else had to participate, but Yuri assured me that since I would be getting off the train at the next stop I could sit it out. Hwa Ryun gave me a long, considering stare when she said that, but didn't speak up.
The goal of the test was . . . making it to a central platform while dodging traps. It was probably the most deadly obstacle course I could imagine - I'm not sure that I'd seen worse on tv or in movies back home, though to be fair I don't watch a whole lot of tv. Or movies.
Well, since half the team was fully capable of flight - Bam actually just levitated himself for a moment before creating a small glowing disk under his feet and landing on that - the traps had to be really good if they were going to test anything at all, but it was nerve wracking to watch - I don't remember much about the actual test other than that every time any of them came close to one of the traps I had to cover my eyes.
Also, Endorssi didn't participate - she sat on one of the floating boulders in the room and snickered whenever she noticed I was covering my face again. I'm still not sure if she's just unfriendly, or if I've done something to upset her. I mean, we all take time to warm up to other people, so I probably shouldn't assume it's my fault off the bat but . . . .
Maybe I'm the one being unfriendly. I don't know - I've noticed I tend to treat people who try to be my friend somewhat disdainfully at first too, since I'm never sure if they're going to be someone likable or someone who I'm constantly looking away from in second hand embarrassment or someone who pushes me around. Friends are tricky. Being human is tricky - and I mean, that's probably not an isolated thing, so even if Endorssi isn't human, she might have a lot of reasons to not want to get close to anyone either. I should definitely give her space, but maybe try and be encouraging too?
It's so hard to be normal.
In any case, she wasn't the only person who noticed me being squeamish - Khun nudged my shoulder with his when he and the others returned, "It wasn't all that bad, was it?"
". . . It looked pretty bad," I replied, "Thank you for being careful."
He seemed really taken aback by this, staring at me like I'd grown two heads or started spouting tongues, and suddenly looked away, "Well, it's hard doing these missions with a missing position. Should we at least have another scout? Min could do that."
From what I'd just seen, no I couldn't. Scouts were the position least compatible with me, actually, "I'm not very fast . . . . or observant."
"Good work, everyone," Bam said as he joined us from my other side. I smiled at him.
"You did really well too," I said - though it felt a bit fake because I hadn't participated, so I continued, "Y-you probably already know that though."
Boro and Khun were talking about other details from the test, so I tuned them out. I didn't want to think about it, "Please be a bit more careful though."
Someone to my right made a choking sound. Bam looked a bit taken aback, and suddenly couldn't meet my eyes, "Um. . . . ."
"You noticed right away, huh?" Khun said, "It's so bad even someone unobservant can see it immediately."
"Isn't this a little unfair. . . ?" Bam asked; Boro was nodding along with Khun.
"Please remember that you don't have to take all of the risks," he said, "The rest of the team is also strong."
"If we lose you at this point, coming this far will have been pointless for a lot of people," Bero Bero added.
At this point, Bam was starting to look a little stressed, "A-alright. I understand."
"Sorry. . . ." I mumbled - I hadn't meant for him to get scolded by everyone, but . . . he had been really careless during the test, as though while he paid lipservice to the idea of being careful, it was a rule he only expected other people to follow. I've been there, and I think a lot of people have. Maybe it's true in a lot of worlds, but the one I come from doesn't value people who take care of themselves. It only wants people who are willing to destroy themselves for one thing or another.
Being in another world had been nice for the first few hours, but I was starting to get the feeling that it had the exact same problems as mine.
"Speaking of careless people," Boro said, "What about . . . that Wangnan guy's team?"
"Ah. . ." Bam looked to Khun, "Do we still not have news from them?"
". . . The train doesn't really have a way for us to contact each other," was the only response. I looked down at the pocket in my hand.
Even though it has an invisible mode, I still keep it visible. I carry it everywhere too. I feel like a dork but. . . I just can't believe that it will follow me. That's really hard to believe.
"Even for the pockets?" I asked. Khun nodded.
"And the lighthouses aren't good for communication either," he said, "Maybe if we used Emily but . . . . there's no way to trust that app now. It was suspicious from the beginning."
"Then should we go look for them?" Bam asked.
"Wouldn't it be better not to look for them?" this was from Hwa Ryun. She seemed a lot less grumpy now than she had before, and she stood on one of the floating islands. She also seemed to realize that this statement, alone, made no sense, because she added, "When you sent them away you agreed to respect each other's choices, right? That man has already started walking his own path so it's better to go our separate ways now."
"Plus," she continued, hopping to another island easily. Now that the traps weren't active it wasn't as frightening, but my hands still twitched and I almost dropped my pocket from wanting to cover my eyes, "You guys don't have the luxury of worrying about other people right now."
"What?" Khun's voice was flat, but I think he was trying to sound annoyed. And failiing - instead he sounded worried. Hwa Ryun contiued to the other side of the room without any concern.
"The floor of death is right up ahead," she said, "Even Rankers avoid the floor of death. If you guys end up going in there, even with Yuri Jahad . . . . It will be hard for even a single one of you to survive the floor of death."
And with that she was gone. Everyone looked at each other in concern, and I looked down at the pocket.
"Is the floor of death that bad?" I asked, quietly. Khun reached up, running a hand through his hair, and glanced over at Yuri and Evan. Bam and I followed his gaze.
Yuri nodded, "That's why it's absolutely imperative that you get off on the fourtieth floor, Min. If you don't, you'll definitely hold us back - and we might not be able to protect you."
"I understand," I replied, "I'm not arguing with that, I just . . . ."
I'm not sure how I was going to finish that statement. Felt sick? Worried? Couldn't believe they'd just disappear off to this dangerous floor, and I might never see them again?
Actually, I'm still confused about the "floor" thing, but I guess it has to do with being in a tower. . . .
"We'll be fine," Bam said, suddenly. Everyone seemed taken aback, and I looked over at him, "Don't worry, Ms. Min. Everyone here is really strong, and we still have a few months to get stronger. We'll see you again after you catch up, okay?"
"What are you trying to console her for?" Endorssi snapped, "Anyway, I'm with you guys, so of course you'll be alright."
Actually, Endorssi's problem with me might be really obvious and . . . I don't want to go through this again. What am I supposed to do in this situation? Bam was only consoling me because I'm so much weaker than everyone else and don't know what's going on. He didn't need to, but it wasn't rooted in something like "Oh, Ms. Min is really cute! I want to impress her and show off!" He's definitely not the sort, and I only just got here? We've only just met! Who wants to show off for someone they've only just met?
I'll need to work harder not to be reliant on him, even though he's gone right now. I'll work super hard to become tough and independant over the next three months, and learn a lot about the tower, so when he comes back . . . well. . . . Actually, I might not be here. But he'll hear from everyone that I definitely won't get swallowed up by the tower!
I must have overthought everything. Even if Endorssi does like him, it's not like I could be her rival when I'm probably never going to see him again. Urgh, I'm a bad person . . . .
Does she like him, though? I only thought about it because I was thinking about how she'd gotten angry because he was cheering me up, but . . . other than that, she hasn't really given any sign of being friends with him, much less interested in him that way. Maybe they're already dating and had a spat? Or maybe she's cold to him because she's afraid of being taken advantage of. Love is a really scary emotion. . . .Bero Bero said some weird things, but it's not like I've seen it personally. . . .
Well, it doesn't matter either way. I won't be here to help them with that, because I'm leaving in a few weeks. In any case, after Bam and Endorssi had said those things, everyone seemed to perk up a little - except Yuri, who still seemed concerned.
"Well. . . see you later," Bam said, "Please take good care of Ms. Min."
"Don't you get tired?" Endorssi complained, "You're going out already even though you just got back. . . ."
"Bam. . . do you absolutely have to go back to that. . .rice pot?" Yuri sounded hesitant about what she called it, like she was thinking something like isn't that where you'd go to eat?, "If it's training you want, I could help you."
"Since I made a promise," Bam replied, "I'll need your help next time, though."
This seemed to soothe Yuri a little. I guess she's like a mother watching her son grow up - worrying that she's not providing enough for him, but not wanting to encroach on his decisions. It's a hard burden, so I'm glad she perked up a little, "Well, good luck! Make sure you come back before we reach the floor of death!"
"Okay! Well, see you all at the train's exit then!"
He turned, hunching himself up against the strange cold that permeates the train, and started walking. I stared at his back - he looked really lonely.
"Well, I guess we should get going too," Khun said, finally. I looked up at him, but his eyes had slid over to Evan.
"Hmph," Evan said; for a moment, he seemed to struggle with his decision, before he continued, "Fine, alright. Follow me. I'll teach you how to handle the lighthouse."
It seems like Khun's already good at using the lighthouse, though . . . maybe it's secret way of doing things? Like when you start typing without looking at the keyboard versus when you have to hunt for certain keys. Or like the difference between swiping on your phone or voice input. . . .I dunno. I guess it's none of my business. But I'm curious. . . .
Endorssi said something about taking a nap, but Yuri grabbed her, "Where are you going? You come with me."
Even though Endorssi had just wished everyone luck, I feel like from her face . . . she's the one who's going to need luck.
Bero Bero and Cherry La and Boro and Sachi were all on the other side of the room already - I caught eyes with Bero Bero, and she jerked her head at me. Turning where she was looking, I was met with the empty hallway Bam had walked down.
Well, I wasn't doing anything, right? Peeking at Bero Bero, I saw her make a shooing motion with her hands, and nodded. I was going to have to just trust the pocket, or. . . well. I can't be fast if I'm carrying things but I still don't trust the pocket.
I stuffed it down my shirt and flew down the hallway after Bam. It's a little embarrassing, especially because I ended up calling his name really loudly as soon as I saw him, "Bam, wait!"
He started, turning to stare at me as I hurdled towards him. I immediately stopped running, even though I was still a little far away from him, and cradeled the pocket against my stomach, "A-ah. Um."
"Ms. Min . . . ?" he seemed really confused, but the dark aura that I'd sensed around him seemed to be pushed away for the moment.
I fidgeted, "Um, do you . . . d'you want me to walk with you?"
" . . . Huh?"
If I hadn't seen him interacting with Yuri and Khun earlier that moment, the face he made would have lead me to believe no one had ever voluntarily spent time with him in his life. His whole brain seemed to stop and he just stared at me for a moment.
"I mean, um," I said, my voice getting quieter and less distinct, "I understand if you want to be alone or if it's private, so that's. You don't have to take me up on it or anything just. . . offering. . . "
He seemed to come back to himself for a moment, considering. I felt my hopes sink a little. It was a stupid idea, but since I won't be there when he gets back . . . .
I dunno. I wanted to spend a little time with him before we were seperated forever.
"I guess it would be okay," he said at last. He still seemed to be thinking about it, though.
"You had to consider it," I reply, "It's fine if you don't want me to! Don't force yourself!"
He seemed a little bemused, "No, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure you'd be safe. If you walk the same way back it should be okay, though."
"O-oh. . . " I took a deep breath, "Okay. I'm sorry. I just . . . didn't want to come on too strong."
He seemed even more confused, but didn't question me, "I'd never . . . thought about walking there with someone."
"Huh?" that was a weird thing to say, but he did honestly seem to be considering something else. I approached him tentatively, and his eyes went to my stomach.
"Um. . . are you carrying your pocket under your shirt?" he asked. I stiffened.
"I-It's easier to run!" I said, "I . . . I don't wanna lose it."
He waited while I fished it out from under my grey sweater, and then trotted up next to him.
"It won't get lost," he said, "It's attracted to your shinsoo now*, so even if it's invisible, it won't go far."
This is how walking with Bam to the rice pot mostly turned into a lesson in how to use pockets. And inventories, which are mostly for armor and things like that. Apparently, if you want to carry a lot of stuff around, it's best to have a lighthouse.
"It's all really confusing, right?" Bam said, at one point. He seemed like he was confiding in me - for a moment, he had a look on his face like he was really stressed out, "I've been in the tower for almost nine years and I'm still not used to it."
"Yeah,"I agreed, "It's kind of like being a in a video game or something. . . . "
He chuckled, and we both fell silent; I was still cradeling the pocket against my abdobmen because nothing Bam said could convince me to let it go.
The rice pot turned out to be a long hall - or actually, maybe it's a spell, to be honest. Bam said that the first few times he was there he was put under a trance or something, and that he was trying to meet his true power, or something like that.
We stood talking for a little bit just outside of the hall.
"I'll be careful," he'd said, "But I've done this a few times, so don't worry, okay? From the outside, I think I'm just standing there. It's more like I go inside of myself."
So I guess he's just meditating. I nodded to show I understood, and then wished him good luck.
"Thank you for walking with me, Ms. Min," he said, "I feel . . . a lot better."
Hearing these words made me really happy, "Ah, I'm glad! It was nice to walk with you!"
For a moment, we fell into awkward silence, then he said, "I know the pockets won't work right on the train, and I'm going to be busy until after you're gone but . . . I'll contact you when we get off the train, okay?"
I nodded, "Okay. We'll talk then. Be careful until then, okay?"
He nodded back, smiling, "I will be. Goodbye, Ms. Min."
"Goodbye," I took a deep breath, and he turned, heading into the empty hall behind him, and then I turned and headed back to the area we'd come from.
Hwa Ryun was waiting for me about halfway there, leaning against one of the walls, "Yuri told you not to leave. Did you forget?"
"I. . . I guess I didn't think about it," I admitted, "I was with Bam so . . . "
"It's a good thing," Hwa Ryun replied, "I didn't say this earlier, but if you listen to Yuri too much, you're going to die."
"What. . . ?"
I'm still not sure what to think about that announcement - no deliberation or preamble, just point blank, "You're going to die."
"I mean, okay," I said, after a moment, "That happens."
"Should you really be so nonplussed about it?" she asked, "I'm not joking around or threatening you. If you get off the train on the fourtieth floor you'll die."
"Death is an illusion created by an overreliance on the material world," I replied, "Anyway, what happens if I don't get off the train, then?"
"Fair point," she said, "You'll still probably die. It might be better if you get off at the station after all. But I have a test for you."
She pointed her finger at me, "If you can pass this test, there might be some merit it trying to live on. Or you'll die while you're still on the train, I guess. Three nights ago, we split up with some teammates. They went after our enemies on the train with the intent of capturing one of them, and we haven't heard from any of them since."
It wasn't hard for me to piece together that that was this "Wangnan" person and their team.
"Oh? Did you tell them they were going to die too?" I asked. She seemed taken aback.
"Only Wangnan," she replied, "I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen."
"Did you try to warn him before or after he was already on the train?" I asked, "Hey, we have rules for these kinds of things where I'm from! Don't give people unwanted insight - just because you have access to that information doesn't mean it's for them."
"I'm a Navigator," Hwa Ryun said, clearly impatient, "It's my job. And when death is on the line, I think it's reasonable to be more straight forward."
I'll admit I was being a bit of a brat, but . . . I wouldn't call anything that comes out of her mouth straight forward.
"If you tell someone when it's too late, it's not helpful," I replied, "Even if I say something like 'Oh, I don't want to die.' - What am I supposed to do? You're telling me, but not Yuri or Bam or Evan or anyone who has a say in if I stay here any longer, so do you expect me to just do what I want and not worry about it?"
She seemed to consider this, but ultimately didn't acknowledge what I was saying at all, "It's just the truth. Help me find out what happened to Wangnan and the others, and I'll help you stay on the train, at least. You can't come with us to the Floor of Death, but you can survive a little longer."
She pushed herself off the wall, "I'll give you the night to consider, but in the meantime, let's head back. Yuri will be busy with Endorssi for the next three months - we don't have to worry about any of that for the time being."
We walked in silence. Actually, I'm a little jealous of her . . . It would be nice to be as confident in what I see as she is. For me, I feel like I misunderstand things a lot and race to conclusions. I have a good intuition, but it's hard to distinguish between that and the parts of me that are just crazy and broken. I wish I could help people - even if it was just the cold cut of truth. I'm more of a serrated knife than a clean blade. I try too hard in all the wrong ways, and I think I do more harm than good. . . and I can't tell anyone about it, because if I do, they'll feel like they'll have to help or reassure me.
Hwa Ryun is probably a bit lonely - from what I've seen, she holds herself away from the rest of the group, and doesn't seek out company - but she has a purpose in life.
I'll have to apologize to her for being rude, but . . . I'm not sure how to say it. I did see how people relied on her during the test, and if she says she's just telling the truth about it, I have to believe her.
Maybe I don't want to die, but . . . I don't know if it's my place to decide that. Especially after I've spent so much time wanting to. It seems like I'm betraying my past self or being a spoiled brat to turn death down now.
All of these thoughts are confusing; in any case, we got back to the base, and Bero Bero almost immediately sidled up to me. I think she was trying to be subtle, but when I was with Hwa Ryun, it seemed. .. . pointless. Hwa Ryun didn't say anything, though. Like, I knew she knew Bero Bero was there, but she just walked off, probably to her room.
"How did it go?" Bero Bero asked.
"With Bam?" I wasn't sure how to respond. Have I been that obvious about liking him? I'm not even sure how I feel yet, but . . . "He let me walk with him, and we talked about how pockets work."
Cherry La drifted over to us, but didn't say anything. Bero Bero seemed to be considering.
"Do you think it could be like a fated encounter?" she asked suddenly. I think I actually shrieked.
"No, no way!" I said, "We just met, and. . ."
"But you could tell he was showing off," Bero Bero said, "And you keep looking at him. . . . "
"There's no way he was showing off!" I replied, "The test was too hard to worry about something like that! And. . and. . . . I don't mean to be a bother towards him, but . . . ."
I had to trail off there. I'll be getting off on the 40th floor in three weeks, after all. And then I guess I'm going to die.
I'm going to die because I kept wishing so hard to when I was younger. Why couldn't I have just died then, before I regretted it?
"Do you have any spare clothes?" Cherry La finally spoke up, saving me from the conversation. I think she was considerably less engaged in it than Bero Bero was.
". . . No," I replied; Cherry La nodded to herself but didn't say anything.
"I feel bad for Khun, though," Bero Bero continued, guiding us towards the kitchen, "He's been pining after Bam this whole time, and now he's gotten two rivals in less than a week. Hey, Cherry La, don't you think their group is really strange? I haven't said anything before, but . . . . "
Cherry La didn't say anything. Bero Bero slowly fell into silence too. I felt a little bad.
"Why's their group so strange?" I asked.
What Bero Bero had to say was definitely really interesting. I do not regret asking.
"Well, first, they showed up when we were getting on the Hell Train, going after this girl called Rachel." Bero Bero said, "And she woke up the Slayer Candidate White, and it turns out that Bam is also a Slayer Candidate. . . .and Khun says the weirdest things about Bam, like, 'If he dies in that Rice Pot I'm going to be like Daniel and devote my life to raising him from the dead'. And they've got a high ranking Princess who joined up with them out of the blue and treats him like a little brother. . .and now another Princess has shown up who keeps arguing about him being her boyfriend, but he doesn't treat her like a girlfriend at all. They have a Guide, and now they're going to the floor of death. . . "
She was ticking things off on her fingers as she went on, "Their other companions were a lot more normal. It seems like we've dodged a bullet not getting involved, huh, Cherry La?"
"I wouldn't say we're not involved," Cherry La said, "We're still staying with them on the train, for now."
This seemed to trouble both of them greatly. I tried to sort that out in my head, but for the time being it mostly rakes up questions.
"Oh, and then he found another irregular laying around on the ground," Bero Bero, "I'm sorry, but imagining you actually getting off on the 40th floor is really hard. Augh, I just wanted to get on the hell train with Mr. Aka so that we could get to the higher floors faster . . . ."
"Mr. Aka was a little strange too, though," Cherry La had to admit.
"You could trust him, though," Bero Bero said, "I'm not sure I can trust a Khun at all, and I don't know what to think about having so many Princesses around. . . it feels like Jahad is breathing down my neck."
"Who's Rachel?" I asked, finally. I was still trying to process the first part of what Bero Bero had said.
Bero Bero shrugged, "Some girl Bam's chasing. That's all I know. I think he's in love with her."
"So. . . Hold on," I stopped where I was and held up my pocket so I could make a diagram on it, "So, Bam likes Rachel, and then. . . Khun and Endorssi like Bam, and Yuri won't let Endorssi go after Bam, right?"
"To be honest, I think everyone likes Bam," Bero Bero said, "Wangnan's whole team was like in love with him? And I think Yuri has a crush on him too."
"She's way too old for him, though," Cherry La said, "Since he's an irregular, he doesn't have the same longevity as a Princess of Jahad. He's probably in his twenties. Since she's a Ranker too. . ."
I still don't know what a Ranker is. I guess someone who climbed to the top of the tower? But there isn't a top of the tower? And not everyone at the top of the tower is a ranker, even if they climbed there? Only the strongest get ranked, and everyone else is a regular? I don't know.
I just don't know.
"Then Endorssi would be way too old for him too," Bero Bero said, "Since she's a Princess."
"But she's probably still a lot younger than Yuri. . . . "
I can't believe I'm in a world where age is this nebulous, to be honest.
"Okay, so," I interrupted, "That's normal though. I don't get why it's so strange?"
Bero Bero held one hand up while she muttered to Cherry La, "She thinks it's normal because she likes Bam already."
"Hey! I'm just used to love triangles! Okay - what's a Slayer Candidate?"
Cherry La was the one who explained this time. She still seemed groggy, but was keeping pace with the gossip. I guess deep in their hearts, there is not a single person in this world who can resist gossip.
"A Slayer is one of the leaders of FUG," Cherry La said, "They're trying to kill Jahad and overthrow the ten great families."
". . . .Ten great families?"
So anyway, this turned into a lecture on tower politics really quick. Apparently, everyone in the tower is ruled over by King Jahad, who was the first person to conquer the 135th floor - I think Bero Bero said it was the 135th? I'm bad with numbers, though . . . - alongside ten other warriors. The other ten warriors had families, and those families became the ten great families that are basically noble houses.
Khun is apparently from one of them, and one of Bam's other companions was also a member of a noble house, but she's apparently gotten lost.
("There's no way she survived," Bero Bero said, "But they're telling Bam she's probably okay so that he doesn't worry and run off again.")
Bero Bero's right, though . . . . The way people act around Bam is a little unusual. It makes me feel like I shouldn't trust him, but . . . . It's not that he's done anything. Rather, what I'm afraid to trust are my feelings. How do I know I genuinely like him, as opposed to just feeling like I should like him because everyone else does?
My feelings get muddled up with everyone else's so often, and. . . I don't know how to explain it, but it's worse here. During dinner, I had to stop eating half way through because Boro and Sachi were talking about someone they lost and my rice just turned. . . sour. Bero Bero ate what I couldn't though, so it was fine. I felt bad though.
And it's getting worse. It was barely noticeable at first - I didn't start thinking something was off until we were halfway through preparing dinner, when I looked up at Bero Bero and saw a trail of light snaking off somewhere into the distance. When I blinked it disappeared.
So far I haven't heard anything really strange - no voices. No visions that could account for anything other than a disturbance, and I mean, I've had disturbances before. It just means I need more sleep, or to get some water or something. It's never been . . . like this.
I really need to start meditating; and maybe I should have done that this evening after dinner, but instead I went to visit Hwa Ryun. I didn't even have to worry about being lost. I just focused on her for a moment, and then followed the red light that wound its way toward her door. It's not completely new - I used to do things like that all the time to find things at work - but normally my eyes can't actually see what I'm looking at.
"It's starting, then," she said, when I knocked. She leaned against the door frame, "You're really out of luck."
"I just need to build more walls," I said; I'm not sure why I said more, because I'm not really sure if I've built any walls before ever, but she laughed.
"No amount of walls will help you now," she said, "You don't have shinsoo where you're from, do you? Not like this. You're not just an irregular, you're from another world entirely."
". . .Irregulars aren't normally from other worlds?" I asked. She shrugged.
"No one really knows where irregulars are from," she replied, "But that's not the point. It'll take you a while to adjust, I imagine. We'll find Wangnan and the others in the meantime. I want to know . . . ."
Her voice caught, for a second, but when she continued it was like nothing had happened, "Whether there's anything left of the bodies. There probably won't be, knowing Hoaquin."
"Is that why you stopped Bam from going after them?" I asked. She hesitated, then stepped into her room. I followed after her, and she shut the door behind us.
"I'm not sure how he'll react to finding out his teammates are actually dead," she said, "When he thought Ehwa and Rak were dead, he locked himself in his room for a day and wouldn't eat - then he went to see the God of Guardians in the rice pot, and now he's mostly stable. I don't want to ruin that. He's. . . . very strong."
She looked at me directly, "If you can avoid getting involved with him, you should. You have too many rivals anyway."
"I'm beginning to understand that," I said.
"Don't get involved with Khun either," she added; she was setting up a tea pot and space heater by this point, "He's more in love with Bam than he is with himself, and more in love with himself than he'll ever be with anyone else."
"Understood."
"And Endorssi is off limits because Princesses of Jahad aren't allowed to date," Hwa Ryun continued, "Just. . .you just got here, so don't fall in love."
"The more you tell me not to the more inclined I am to do so," I replied, flopping down next to her, "I love danger and excitement. I should fall in love with all three of them, and also Yuri."
"There's such thing as too much danger and excitement," Hwa Ryun replied, but her lips quirked up in a half smile.
"I will love everyone," I replied, then, more seriously, "Besides, all of you seem like you need it."
"Don't go trying to save us," Hwa Ryun says.
"Watch me," I reply, "I will save everyone."
We're silent for a moment, and I add, "Just kidding. I can't even save myself."
The tea finishes, and Hwa Ryun pours some for each of us. It's nice - not spiced, obviously, which would be preferable, but still sweet and soothing, even without milk or honey.
"Please don't joke about being a heroine," Hwa Ryun says, "I know it seems cold of me to say that, but . . . Too many try to be heros in this place, and all they do is trample others underfoot."
"Do you think Bam will be like that?" I ask. She looks at me, and then away. After a moment, she reaches up to touch the eyepatch over her eye.
"Bam gave me this," she says, "When we first met. It was during a test - I'd gone after Rachel, and he was trying to protect her, but he was untrained. The shinsoo attacked me of it's own accord, responding to his desperation. He's a nice boy, but niceness doesn't always cut it."
I'm not sure what to think about that. I have to agree with Hwa Ryun on one point - niceness isn't always any use. People spend so much time trying to convince themselves they're nice, that they're one of the good ones, that they're unable to help when it really counts. I can't be mad at them, though - they're trying their best.
God, I sound so condescending. We all have our struggles. It's not like I'm good either. Good is a myth, but it's an important one. It gives us something to work towards. It's just that . . .we can never accept that something is good at face value. We have to understand it first, before we can hold it as a virtue. Anything in excess will only harm the person clinging to it, and the people around them. It's been said before, but poisons are only medicines taken too much, without regard for the body's needs. None of us are ideals - we're all people, and people are complicated.
"Does it still hurt?" I asked. Hwa Ryun made a face - one part wry "You're kidding, right?" and two parts "Ugh, don't remind me."
"No," she replied, "I suppose I'm lucky. It could react to cold weather or humidity or whatever, but it's just a scar. He didn't mean to do it, and he's grown a lot since then. . . it was years ago. I've done my share in hurting him back."
I didn't ask what she was talking about. I'm not sure I'm ready to know.
"So when do you want me to go looking for Wangnan?" I asked, trying to steer the converstaion to other things; she pulled a phone from the pocket of her jacket - it really is getting cold. I know I said this before, but I was envious about her warmer clothes.
"Tomorrow," she replied, "I've set the bait with Emily already - you'll meet the person there. I'm sure. . . you'll know what to do, but whatever happens, don't start a fight. The people you're getting involved with are stronger than you can imagine."
We finished our tea in silence, and then I went back to - I guess this is Bam's room. His blankets don't smell like anything, and I'm grateful for that. It would be embarrassing if I could smell him. I'll have to make sure and change the sheets before I leave, so that I don't leave my scent behind either.
Assuming I live through Hwa Ryun's test. . . well, I guess I should try meditating tonight. Maybe it'll be safe. I'm in another world, after all. What could have followed me here?
I wonder if I made the right choice. I only have three weeks to finish what I've started, after all. Then I'm getting off on the 40th floor and taking my chances. Fate might insist on trying to trap me here, but I'm not getting any closer. I can feel their pain through the walls even now, stronger than I've ever felt it before. . . and I don't think that's just my body reacting to the shinsoo.
I think they're hurting more than anyone I've ever met, and that's . . . that's saying a lot. I've never been in a war zone, but I'm not sure there's a person I've known who hasn't been abused and neglected just as much as I have. I can't risk hurting these people anymore, not when they've been so kind to me.
I'd rather face death than be a poison for them.
I'll try to get some sleep tonight. I'll help Hwa Ryun, but . . . I don't know what's going to happen after that.
* I'm not. . . I'm not actually sure how Pockets work. . . I just don't know . . . so if this statement is wrong, that's on me and not Bam's fault haaaa.
