I have never let anything stand in the way of my captaincy, of my want to protect others as well as make long standing and peaceful relations between Earth and other planets and galaxies, although I still couldn't help those moments when the Enterprise hit warp factor seven and I thought of only you. It wasn't an everyday event for the Enterprise to hit number seven, and so it stands that was the only on-duty time I allowed myself to think of you.

What, in particular, I thought about you, I couldn't say. My thoughts were always like dreams; so vivid and real, but as soon as I start to think and act on my own accord again, I'd lose them. I never liked losing the things that made me happy.

Whether anyone notices my vacant expression and complete disregard of Mr. Bailey screaming at me to do something ["I vote we blast 'em!"], even though the only time warp factor seven was engaged was when the ship was fleeing or chasing some other worldly people, and it was an important time to have an alert and fully functional captain, no one brought it up. I was never scared straight into not wanting to think of you in front of others by a curious crew. And so, I kept doing it.

So pretty. So odd. I'd think, nonchalantly gazing at your broad shoulders and pointed Vulcan ears from my captain's chair. I'd see you moving your hands skilfully over the controls, reading out coordinates and theories and such and for a single, fleeting moment you'd glance up at me with a stare only two long-time friends could understand. A quick look that left me with many questions. Could, for those seconds you locked eyes with me, you see what I was thinking? Did you know I was thinking of you? Were they friendly thoughts? I don't remember, Mr. Sulu brought reality back to my attention.

But I'd still think, in the back of my head, about you. In fact, you never truly leave my mind. You were powerful and you knew it. You could hurt me, if you wanted to, but you didn't. Of all the times I annoyed you, of all the times you could have just finished me off and claimed role as captain of the U.S.S Enterprise yourself, you didn't. I hold that close to my heart. I want to believe that means something.

However, you cause me physical pain, and even though I could never actually say it's your fault, I will always want to one day kick you out of my mind. When I think of you for a single moment too long, I get a deep, horrible pain in my chest. But I can't ignore you. It has become my ritual to put that time away to think of you. However violent or perverted or innocent these thoughts are, and I may never know, I have to have them. They are what is mine, even if you aren't. They are a little piece of you I can take wherever I go.

But right now, in reality, I am sitting on the bed in my quarters. The lights are off, I know because I can only see the outline of my feet on the ground. My body must have intended me to go to sleep while I was still living in my mind, but I couldn't. For some reason, I continued to think of you. My mind had never left warp factor seven, whereas it usually would by now. I tore my eyes from the floor and looked around the room. It was empty of any other life form.

I lay myself down on the mattress and thought of you for a single moment too long. But this time, I didn't feel pain. I felt joy. I started thinking maybe you could one day join me here. And we wouldn't make love, I wouldn't ask that of you, I just want to be together.