Well, it's taken me two weeks, but I'm back. I've finally figured out what this story is going to be, so I'm posting the first two chapters. The consensus was that everyone's sick of Jabies, so unless I get a bunch of reviews asking for one, this isn't going to be a Jaby fic. Instead, I've got something I hope will be much more interesting planned, based on what you guys said you'd like to see. So thanks for your suggestions (keep them coming, I'm flexible this time), particularly mikachoo and Tahti, who gave me a lot to think about.
I've changed the title to fit my new idea. It comes from the song The Edge Of The Ocean, by Ivy, which I think sums up the central theme of the show, and this fic. I'm going to try writing from Kate's POV this time, but I may switch to Jack's later if it feels right.
I've really missed your reviews, so I'm looking forward to hearing from you all again. I'll update as often as I can, but writing a chapter a day, sometimes two or three, was killing me, so I may have to slow down. I still have some original stuff I want to work on, so this might become one of those ongoing fics everyone else seems to be writing.
Oh, by the way, I always forget to put up disclaimers, so the usual. I obviously wouldn't be writing fan fiction if I had any affiliation with the show or its producers.
There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out
And the sky is deep and blue
Won't you take me there with you?
Ooh we can begin again
Shed our skin
Let the sun shine in
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again
There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and the mystery
Ooh we can begin again
Shed our skin
Let the sun shine in
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again…
Chapter 1. I Should Have Chosen You
It had been over a week since they'd returned from the Others' camp, and still, sleep wouldn't come, for Kate, at least. Every time she closed her eyes, she remembered what it felt like to wake up in that cage, the iron bars closing in around her, trapping her like the animals her captors had once kept at that station.
It didn't help that she had that to look forward to again when they were inevitably rescued, especially since she wouldn't have Jack to barter her freedom this time. He'd barely spoken to her since Sayid had brought them all back to the island on Desmond's boat, and she was still too ashamed to approach him, that shame made even more unbearable by the fact that he thought she and Sawyer were a couple now.
Seeing the pain in his eyes when he looked at her now, Kate wanted to set him straight, but she didn't know how to do that without hurting him more. She could tell that he was gutted about losing to Sawyer, but as it was, he could take consolation in the thought that what he'd seen meant something, when Kate knew it didn't, not to her. She'd never said as much to Sawyer, but she could tell that he knew; he'd hadn't touched her since he realised she still had feelings for Jack, making what happened between them at the Others' camp Kate's first official one night stand.
Jack was too insulated to see it, but he wasn't the only one who was ignoring her these days. Sawyer hadn't been paying that much attention to her lately either, although for some reason that didn't seem to bother her as much.
She felt callous, discarding him like that, when she knew that he loved her, or thought that he did, but at the same time, she knew it was exactly what he'd planned on doing to her until recently. The time he'd spent on the other side of the island had changed him, but not enough for Kate to believe him when he said the way he felt about her was real. He didn't love her; at least, not in the way that Jack did.
She'd hurt Jack deeper than she ever would have believed she could, and yet his first thought was still for her happiness, her safety. He'd pledged himself to the Others so that she could escape, so that she could be with Sawyer, even if it meant never seeing her again.
Ironically, it was at that precise moment, the moment that he'd sacrificed everything for her, that Kate realised she was in love with Jack, that it was him that she wanted, but it was too late for that now. As far as he was concerned, she'd made her choice. She didn't know how to tell him that if she had, she'd chosen wrong.
Insomnia was nothing new to Kate; she hadn't slept well since that night, more than three years ago now, that she'd killed Wayne, but somehow, life on the island had changed that. After two months of living in the same camp, the same shelter, she wasn't looking over her shoulder anymore, waiting for the marshal to catch up with her again. While for the others, the isolation of the island was a constant nightmare, for Kate, it was a welcome relief. She'd felt safe here, for the first time in years, until the Others had taken that security away. Waiting for them to come for her again was like waiting for the marshal, only this time she didn't know what she'd done to deserve it.
The long hours of tossing and turning were beginning to grate on her already frayed nerves, so she crawled out of her tent, padding across the sand, to stand at the water's edge. The sound of the waves, and the smell of the salt air always relaxed her; staring out across the moonlit ocean, she let the water lap gently at her feet, enjoying the rare moment of solitude, until the rustle of clothing startled her out of her thoughts.
Kate tensed, preparing for a confrontation, but the familiar mix of wariness and concern in her companion's voice caused her to relax again.
"Can't sleep either?"
She smiled, her heart lightening as she realised that he was here, talking to her as if nothing had happened, as if he'd forgiven her, or was at least willing to take a step in that direction. Not wanting to remind him of the gulf between them, though she knew it couldn't be far from his thoughts, she tried not to let on her surprise as she answered, "Yeah, there's something about getting kidnapped that brings out the inner insomniac."
She was going for glib, but he must have heard the edge in her voice, because he took a step closer, so that he was standing beside her now, turning to her with that deep, unrelenting stare that always made her want to fall apart. "You okay?" he asked, his voice etched with concern that she knew wasn't purely professional.
It was nice to know that he still cared enough about her to worry, even if she didn't want him to. "Yeah," she agreed, the word sounding unconvincing, even to her. He didn't speak again, just waiting, until she cracked and added, "It's nothing," her voice rising a defensive octave. "I'm just a little jumpy. I keep expecting them to come after us again."
"So do I," he agreed, surprising her. It had been two months since the crash, since they'd met on the beach, and Kate still found it hard to believe that he was ever afraid of anything. He always seemed so calm, so in control of the situation, even his panic was ordered.
He turned away from her, watching the ocean in silence, and she could tell the next words were hard for him to utter. "But you have to know that Sawyer would never let anything happen to you." He let that hang there for a moment, then, tearing his gaze away from the horizon, he looked back at her, his voice softening as he added, "And neither would I."
"I know." This was her moment, she realised. She put a hand on his arm, smiling softly as she added, "What you did for us back at the Others' camp—"
"It was nothing. I would have done the same thing for Claire, or Sun, or any of the others."
Kate let her hand slide from his arm, confused by his sudden coldness. She never knew how to react when he spoke to her like that, whether she should take it as an insult, a deliberate attempt to hurt her, or just chalk it up to the fact that he could be brutally honest at times.
Knowing it was true, that he really would have done the same thing for any one of them, she decided on the latter. It still hurt, but it was better than the alternative. "Either way, I didn't deserve it, after…" she trailed off, hoping he would read between the lines, and save her the embarrassment of having to spell it out.
He did, avoiding her eyes as he said, "You can't help who you're in love with."
So she was right. He did think that she was in love with Sawyer. Kate closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as she blurted out, "I'm not in love with him, Jack. I never was." He looked stunned, momentarily speechless, so she pressed on. "Jack I—"
"You don't have to explain—"
"Yes I do, so just hear me out, okay?" she cut in, resuming control of the conversation. She was trying to tell him something important, but he just wouldn't seem to let her finish. It was maddening, especially since it was good news, for him, at least. She still wasn't sure what she would say to Sawyer, but that was something she would worry about tomorrow.
"I don't know why I – why what happened, happened. I was scared, I thought they were going to kill us, and he was just… there.
"It was stupid. It ruined everything – with you, with Sawyer… If I'd known how much I was hurting you…" she trailed off, hoping she'd gotten at least part of her point across with that ineloquent little speech. She'd spent days trying to figure out how to put her feelings into words, but now that he was standing in front of her, those words escaped her. All she could do was tell him she that regretted the pain she'd caused him, and hope that they could move past it one day.
"You don't owe me anything, Kate, least of all an apology," he told her, turning away from her, back towards their silent campsite. "You're a grown woman. It's none of my business."
She was losing him; any minute now, he would leave her there by the water to brood, striding back towards his tent, where she couldn't follow. The next time she saw him, he'd be surrounded by people who needed him more than she did, and any opportunity she'd had to speak to him alone would have evaporated along with night. It was now or never; she could speak now, or forever hold her peace.
"Wait," she called as he began to walk away, and he stopped, suspended by something in her voice. "I'm not doing this right," she said when she realised she had his attention. "What I'm trying to say is, I do owe you an apology."
He didn't come back, but he turned, his eyes hopeful, intrigued by the desperation she knew he could hear in her tone.
She took this as a sign that he was listening, and pressed on. "Remember that night in the jungle, when you told me you weren't sorry I kissed you?" He gave her a tiny, almost imperceptible nod, his breath bated, waiting for her to reach her point. "Well, I never got the chance to tell you that I wasn't really sorry either." She moved closer wringing her hands nervously as she added, "I should have chosen you, Jack. I wish I had."
