Ooookay, y'all, here's the beginning of the end of my Louis Armstrong-inspired fics. There will be two chapters after this one, and hopefully I'll post them sometime today. With any luck, having run out of ideas for these short little stories, I might actually get back to TMBTM and Two Birds…. Cross your fingers, my lovely readers!

- Lorraine


LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF

(Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald)

Lyrics:

Things have come to a pretty pass,

Our romance is growing flat,

For you like this and the other,

While I go for this and that.

Goodness knows where the end will be,

Oh I don't know where I'm at,

It looks as if we two will never be one

Something must be done

You say either, I say either

You say neither, and I say neither

Either, either, neither, neither,

Let's call the whole thing off

You like potato, and I like potato,

You like tomato, I like tomato

Potato, potato, tomato, tomato

Let's call the whole thing off

But oh, if we call the whole thing off then we must part

And oh, if we ever part then that might break my heart

So if you like pajamas, and I like pajamas

I'll wear pajamas and give up pajamas

For we know we need each other, so

We'd better call the 'calling off' off

Let's call the whole thing off


IT was December of their seventh year at Hogwarts, and James Potter had finally charmed Lily Evans. Since September, James had tried to back off and prove to Lily that he was a capable head Boy and all-around likeable bloke. Much to his and the other marauders' astonishment, this tactic had worked on the fiery-headed Head Girl.

James had asked her to the Halloween Ball, she'd accepted, and the two Head Students had later been found putting their private dormitories to very good use. Breakfast the next morning saw the entire Hogwarts population (including most teachers) slack-jawed and wide-eyed at the new couple, who walked into the Great hall hand in hand, acting as if nothing were out of the ordinary. (The effect was somewhat ruined when Sirius wolf-whistled and James' face split into an ear-to-ear grin.)

In their honeymoon phase, the two had been nearly inseparable, mostly because James followed Lily everywhere (and instead of turning to jinx or yell at him, now Lily just giggled at him). They were adorable "to the point of nauseating" according to Sirius, sitting next to each other and holding hands in classes and at meals. (James had become quite ambidextrous in the first few weeks, learning to write and eat with his left hand since his right was often occupied by Lily's smaller one.) They snuck into Hogsmeade weekly for dinner and a moonlit stroll, during which James would often lend Lily his coat or scarf, since she refused to let him "warm her up" in any other way (at least in public). Basically, they were Hogwarts' dream couple, publicly displaying their affection on an hourly basis.

Everyone (except Lily) had always known that the two Gryffindors would wind up together, and with six years of built-up sexual tension, the relationship was bound to be a passionate one. They still got into the occasional screaming match in the corridors, but both James and Lily now had motivation to keep their verbal jousts to a minimum. Lilly was concerned with keeping up her role model reputation as Head Girl, and she didn't want to set the bad example of hexing her boyfriend between classes. James, on the other hand, cared little about his reputation—but he was worried that if he went to far, Lily would A. refuse to have sex with him anymore, or B. break up with him altogether. Neither of these were situations he'd be happy with, so James tried not to make his girlfriend too angry.

"Although I bet the make-up sex would be excellent," said Sirius, when James had voiced his thoughts. James had smacked him, but some little voice in the back of his head had agreed wholeheartedly.

After they'd been going out for about a month, though, the novelty began to wear off. The pair was fighting more often now (though they tried to confine these spats to the privacy of the Head Dorms), and their friends could tell that something was amiss. Sirius, tactless as ever, decided to bring it up one day when James seemed especially tense.

"So, Prongs, trouble in paradise?"

James looked up from his porridge, which he had been glaring at. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, stood up, and left the Great hall. Lily looked at his retreating back, and started to follow him, before she seemed to remember she was angry. Frowning, she sat back down.

Remus smacked Sirius on the shoulder.

"Ow! What?" the black-haired boy said, irritated.

"Now you've done it, Padfoot! He's obviously quite upset about something."

"Yeah, about Lily," Peter piped up.

Surprised that Peter might know something they didn't, Remus and Sirius turned to him, the latter still looking reproachfully at his lycanthropic friend, who asked, "You know something, Wormtail?"

"Huh? Oh, no, nothing specific. Only, he's always upset about Lily…"

"Too right you are, Wormy," said Sirius, apparently forgetting about his wounded arm. "They're such an old married couple. I wonder what they're yelling at each other about this time."

"Well, I hope they make up soon. They're both so tetchy when they're in an argument. No fun at all to be around," said Remus worriedly.

"More importantly, I hope they make up in a way that involves James getting laid, because he gets especially 'tetchy' when he's not getting any. And I'd wager Lily is a whole lot more fun when she's naked."

Remus slapped him again, on the back of the head this time.

"Bloody hell, Moony!" Sirius yelled. "I'm just telling it like it is! No need to cause brain damage." Remus rolled his eyes.

"It's true, Remus, I think Black's already lacking enough brain cells without your help."

Perhaps Sirius should have been frightened by the angry voice of Lily Evans behind him, but then he would hardly be living up to his Marauder reputation. (Although Peter was currently cowering slightly in his seat.)

"Lily, dear! What can we fine gentlemen do for a fetching lady such as yourself?"

"Laying the charm on thick, this morning, are we, Sirius dear? No need, since I already know you're a misogynistic Philistine and want nothing to do with you."

"Why, Lily Flower! I'm hurt! And here I thought we were the greatest of chums. Wasn't it just yesterday that you magnanimously offered to help me with my Potions work?"

"I believe you are misremembering, Black. As I recall, that interaction consisted of me throwing you out of the Head Dorms and threatening to poison you with something for which even Slughorn couldn't find an antidote."

"Ah, yes. So you can see how I would have been confused," said Sirius, giving her a winning smile. "Anyway, Lilykins, are you just towering over me menacingly for the fun of it, or did you have a particular message to relay?"

"Just that I'd prefer that you not make jokes about my sex life, or insinuate that I'm boring."

"But you are boring." Sirius managed to dodge Remus' hand this time. "Honestly, though, love, you just study, and read, and sit on the grounds with your friends. Where's your sense of adventure? Abuse your Head Girl Powers for once! Talk back in class! Hell, why not try going to a Quidditch match for once in your life? Merlin forbid, you might actually have some fun."

"Christ, what is it with you boys and your bloody Quidditch?" she screamed, and stormed off.

"Was it something I said?" asked Sirius innocently, earning yet another blow to his arm.


Revieeeeewwww! Please.