A/N: So, I have a new Naruto Fic. It's going to be totally different from Unlucky Twin in that Saki's a SIOC. I wrote this because I wanted to try writing a First Person Fic from a totally normal person's perspective. Depending on the reception, I might work on this full time. I haven't given up on Unlucky Twin yet of course, though I've hit sort of mental block on it for the moment.

Chapter 1:

"Jiraiya-sensei."

"Yeah, Minato?"

"Is it really a good idea to have this talk in a bar?"

"I don't see anything wrong with it. Besides, they have baby stools here! She'll be fine."

I rolled my eyes. Because of course the bars in the Naruto-verse have baby chairs. In fact, the owner was even kind enough to give me a glass of warm milk while Jiraiya and Minato sat across me with their beers.

Actually, I liked the baby stool. It beat sitting on Jiraiya's lap. Ever since meeting me a few days ago, the legendary ninja had taken every opportunity to consume alcohol, and his breath was really paying the price.

Or maybe he was just like that all the time.

Minato stared at me uncertainly.

I swallowed. The future Fourth Hokage really was a prettyboy. His blond hair looked so soft and smooth, and his blue eyes looked so deep and vulnerable. I really wanted to give him a peck on his cheek, but getting out of the baby chair was a hassle by itself. That, and it would have been weird for a four year-old girl to to kiss a grown man on the cheek out of the blue. If only I'd been born here a little earlier, I might've considered stealing him away from Kushina.

"Are you okay, Saki-chan?"

I stuck out an adorable little thumb (baby hands are so cute).

"I'm good," I said.

Then I took a large gulp of my milk.

"She's uh...got your hair," Minato said awkwardly, looking back to Jiraiya.

"Not completely," Jiraiya amended. "The white bit's obviously mine, but it's straight and silky like her mother's."

And thank god for that. White was a weird enough color already, but could you imagine a girl with rough and spiky hair like Jiraiya's?

"How old is she again?" Minato asked.

"Um..." Jiraiya had a deep look of concentration on his face before turning to me with a pleading expression.

"Four years, four months and three days old," I replied for my useless father.

Minato blinked. "That's specific."

"It is," I agreed. Could you really blame me for trying to keep count of the number of days I'd spent in this messed up world? I'd thought it was a dream at first, because the last thing I remembered before all this was going to bed, but dreams don't last for four years, four months, and three days (and counting).

"And uh...who's the mother?" Minato asked.

Jiraiya blinked and faced me, a frown on his face. Was he asking me for permission?

"A whore," I answered. "She works in the red light district in Yugakure. Somebody had too much fun and didn't use protection," I said, shooting a glare at Jiraiya. If he hadn't been careless back then, would I have woken up from my sleep normally?

Maybe I'd died. Well, after four years, I'd already given up trying to figure out how I got here.

Minato leaned back, looking partly impressed and partly embarrassed. "She's got quite the mouth. And spirit."

"That's probably from both the mother and me," Jiraiya lamented. "I've fathered quite the monster."

"Rude," I commented.

"What did the Sandaime say?" Minato asked.

In response, Jiraiya slammed his face onto the table and let out a large groan.

I snickered. It'd been a fun episode to watch from the comfort of the sofa in the Hokage's office.

"That bad, huh?" Minato forced a smile.

"He wanted to foist me off to an orphanage, but the old man said no. And when he suggested that the Hokage take care of me for him instead, the Hokage threw a book at him," I said, quite pleased with myself.

Minato was visibly alarmed.

Head still stuck to the table, Jiraiya turned to look at me such that his cheek was now squished up against the wood. "Quiet, you two-faced girl. You were so well-behaved and innocent-looking in the Hokage's office just now. I bet if he had known just what kind of monster you are, he wouldn't have a problem throwing you into the orphanage."

"So? What did you guys decide on?" Minato asked, forcibly changing the topic. "Obviously, leaving her with the mother isn't an option if she's still here."

"That won't do. Even I'm not so heartless to let her grow up in a brothel."

Gee thanks, I'm touched, Dad.

"They've decided that I'm going to live with you," I said with a big smile. "So I guess I'll be in your care now, Minato-sama."

Minato smiled back. "That's funny, Saki-chan."

"She's telling the truth, by the way," Jiraiya confirmed, sitting normally again and drinking his beer.

Minato's smile vanished. "What?"

"I can't take care of a kid," Jiraiya said like it was something obvious, "I've got a spy network to manage. Just because the war's over doesn't mean that Konoha doesn't need its informants anymore. In fact, I'll need to leave in a couple days time to pay said informants. I can't leave her by herself, and I definitely can't bring her with me. So, I'll be counting on you, Minato."

Nor did I really want to spend any more time with him. He snored loudly in his sleep. But nooo, nobody ever asked me for my opinion on the matter.

"Counting on me?" Minato repeated, aghast. "Sensei! I'm only twenty-three! I don't know how to take care of a kid!"

Heh. If the war's just ended, that means that Naruto's going to be born in what...two or three years?

"Pfft," Jiraiya snorted. "Age has nothing to do with it. I'm almost forty and I still have no idea how to take care of children."

Oi, Jiraiya. Is that really the kind of thing you can say while sounding proud of yourself?

"Plus," Jiraiya continued, "you've got Kushina. Y'all are living together now, right? That's perfect then! You, Kushina, and Saki can play house together! You know she's good with kids."

"Don't drag Kushina into this," Minato grumbled.

"Minato. I'm trying to help you here, you know? Chicks love a man who can take care of kids. Trust me, take Saki and show her that you'll be a good dad and I guarantee Kushina will answer 'yes' the moment you pop the question!"

Minato's face went completely red, and he mumbled something I couldn't quite hear.

"You give terrible romantic advice," I told Jiraiya.

"Shut up. You're four years old. What do you know about love?" Jiraiya harrumphed. "I give great advice. In fact, I could fill a book with all the tips and tricks I've given out over the years."

You'd fill a whole trilogy, I wanted to say. Wait a minute, I hope I didn't just give him any weird ideas about starting Icha Icha a little earlier.

"Oh?" I said, pretending to be impressed. "Then name me one woman you've had a meaningful relationship with."

Jiraiya flinched. A dejected expression flashed over his face as the Sannin was no doubt thinking about Tsunade. Yeah, she doesn't count, and you know it.

"Oh, how about-"

"-My mother doesn't count," I interrupted. "She clearly hates your guts after you knocked her up."

And with that, he made a glum face and turned away. "What were you saying earlier, Minato? I couldn't quite hear you."

I smirked. Coward.

Minato looked down, his face still red as he mumbled, "I uh...already asked her. She said 'yes'."

Jiraiya and I looked at each other.

"Huh? 'Yes' to what?" he asked.

"You know...popping the question?" Minato said, abashed. "I asked her to marry me, and...uh...she said 'yes'."

Wow, is this easily-embarrassed wuss really going to be the Yondaime Hokage? And did he really kill like...a thousand people in the war? I totally can't see it at all.

"What?!" Jiraiya stood up, slamming the table. "Congratulations, Minato! I knew you could do it. I know I was super annoyed when you two were acting all lovey-dovey last week, but I'm really happy for you and her!"

"Congrats," I said.

"Thanks, you two," he said, rubbing the back of his head. He had a blissful expression on his face.

Too bad Jiraiya had to ruin the moment.

"So that means that Saki can like...totally stay with you guys, right? I mean, y'all are husband and wife already!"

Minato frowned. "Firstly, we haven't had the wedding yet. Secondly, just because we're engaged doesn't mean we're ready to start a family."

Jiraiya waved him off. "No no. You don't have to think of Saki like that. Think of her like a practice doll for when you two make your own kid in the future!-"

What.

"-It's like... you know how some couples get a dog before having a kid? It's totally like that!"

"Excuse me?" I seethed out. "Aren't you supposed to be my father?"

"Yeah!" he whispered back. "I'm trying to help you here. Trust me, you'll be waaay better off with him than me!"

Well...he's not wrong, I guess.

"Sensei," Minato suddenly sounded very serious. "Saki-chan's right. You're her father, so taking care of her is your responsibility. Dumping her to me isn't the right thing to do."

Why was he making it sound like I was bag of trash? Even being called a dog was better.

There was a glint in Jiraiya's eyes. So he'd anticipated this. Well, it was probably the most logical response any sane person would have to his request.

"Well...I'd love to raise her. I really would, you know? But if I do that, then I can't really be the spymaster of Konoha anymore. You know my job, I have to travel across the Elemental Nations, and a nomad's life isn't something a young child should go through. It'd be hard on her, and I wouldn't want my dear, sweet daughter to experience it."

The sheer amount of false sincerity he exuded was almost disgusting. Not that it diminished any of the logic or reasoning behind it. Jiraiya was actually being thoughtful for me. And himself, of course.

"Then give your job to someone else," Minato suggested, obviously not buying it.

Jiraiya made an exaggerated sigh as he shook his head. "Minato, Minato, Minato. You clearly don't know how the spy business works, do you? Do you know what's the most important thing in a spy network? It's trust."

That doesn't sound right.

"You see my contacts trust me. Not Konoha, not their own countries, but me. The Sannin, Jiraiya. They know I'll help them when they're in a pinch, and that I won't sell them out. They know they can trust my word. I didn't just build a network, Minato, I built relationships. So how do you think they're going to react when a random stranger suddenly comes in says that they'll be taking over my job?"

Minato frowned.

I found myself feeling impressed. So Jiraiya could be smart when he wanted to.

"They'll bail, and Konoha will lose its eyes and ears," Jiraiya answered his own question. "And we can't have that. So obviously, me quitting my job is detrimental to Konoha. So in a way, you'll be doing the village a service by taking her in."

Minato glanced at me uncertainly. "Why me?" he asked.

"Because I trust you the most, of course," Jiraiya said without missing a beat. "You're my prized pupil. If there's anyone I know that can raise my daughter well, it's you."

Well isn't that a touching speech. Given the way Minato was biting his lip, he was probably actually starting to consider this.

What an idiot.

Not that I was going to say anything, this was good for me too.

Jiraiya immediately pounced on the opportunity. "I mean, you're my first choice, Minato. But, I guess if you don't want to help out your teacher, I can't force you. Then I'll just have to ask someone else like Orochimaru-"

Please don't. I shuddered. Anything but that.

"-Fine," Minato said, finally relenting. "I don't mind. But I'll let Kushina have the final say, okay?"

Awww, he's already whipped.

Jiraiya and I high-fived.

XXXXXXXXXX

Uzumaki Kushina dropped her shopping bags onto the floor the moment she saw me in her living room.

With her fiery red hair, I instantly recognized her for who she was.

"Welcome home, Kushina," Minato said with a smile. "Meet-"

In the time it took for me to blink, she'd somehow managed to traverse the distance between the door to right in front of me.

Holy crap, ninjas were fast.

"SHE'S ADORABLE!" Kushina cooed, her fingers squeezing against my cheeks.

"-Saki," Minato completed, shoulders slumping in defeat.

"Hi there, Saki," Kushina said slowly and exaggeratedly, kneeling down so she could be at my height. "I'm Uzumaki Kushina."

"Hi there," I said, trying to mimic her customer-service-voice. "I'm Jiraiya's greatest mistake."

"Huh?"

Jiraiya, from where he was sitting down near the side of the room, cleared his throat. "What she means is that she's my daughter."

"Eh?"

"Jiraiya knocked up my mom and she didn't want me so now I'm stuck here with him," I explained to her as clearly as I could. Was it honestly so hard to believe? I mean, given Jiraiya's character, didn't this have a higher chance of happening than not?

Kushina stood up, her face locked in disbelief.

"Uh..." Visibly confused, the redhead alternated between looking at Jiraiya angrily and at me sympathetically.

"The Sandaime's already chewed his head out," Minato supplied helpfully, nudging his head towards Jiraiya.

"You poor thing!" Kushina immediately knelt down again and enveloped me in a hug. "It must have been so hard on you. To grow up not knowing your father and only to realize that it's him of all people!"

I blinked in surprise at the sudden display of affection that didn't quite seem to match the words she was saying.

"I'm alright," I said, trying to wriggle out of her grasp. She wouldn't let me. "I prefer being with him, anyway."

"Really?" she sounded surprised as she finally let me go. "Who's your mother? Where is she now?"

"She's a prostitute," I replied. "She's probably still in Yugakure, sucking some random dude's coc-"

"-and that's enough," Jiraiya interrupted. Then he glared at me. "You're supposed to get her to like you, remember?"

I shrugged. "She asked and I answered."

Kushina was staring at me, wide-eyed.

"Yeah," Minato put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I was surprised when I first heard her speak too."

Hearing Minato's words, Kushina recovered. "So...you grew up in a brothel?" she asked.

I nodded. "I helped out."

Kushina blinked. "Helped out...how?"

Oh. I should've been more specific.

"Nothing like what you're thinking!" I immediately denied. "I'm still a pure and innocent virgin maiden!"

"You only got that last part right," Jiraiya remarked.

I shot him a dirty look and he laughed. Then turning back to Kushina, I said, "you know, chores and stuff like that. Cleaning, greeting customers, laundry..." I laughed. "You would not believe the kind of stains I've had to remove!"

I smiled at Kushina, but she wasn't laughing at my joke. Nobody was, though I could tell Jiraiya was trying hard to hide his grin.

Kushina looked at the other two adults in the room. "I know that kids brought up in those kinds of environments don't really have the best upbringing, but..."

"I have a feeling she was messed up the moment she was born," Jiraiya drawled out. "Her mom said that they only kept her around for so long because she was funny and useful."

"Sounds like a tough life," Minato said.

"It was fun," I said, shrugging. "A lot of the men got drunk or were bored while waiting for their turns. They told me all kinds of funny stories."

Now if only they'd let me drink with them. That would've been the life.

"I'm assuming that those stories weren't your average children's fairy tale or bedtime story," Kushina said, taking a rather stern tone.

"Not in the slightest," I confirmed jovially. "Would you like to hear them?"

Her smile was forced. "Maybe next time."

"Next time like tomorrow? Or next time as in fourteen years from now when I'm eighteen?"

"Let's go with the second one," Kushina said uncomfortably. "So...you'll be staying with Jiraiya now?" she asked, a blatant attempt at changing the topic.

Why did grownups like doing that around me so much? It made it so much harder to crack dirty jokes!

"Ah. About that," Jiraiya said. Then he paused and looked at his student. "Minato, don't you have something to say?"

Looking displeased, Minato let out an awkward chuckle. "So you see, because of Jiraiya's job as Konoha's spymaster, he can't really take care of Saki. So the Sandaime has asked if we wouldn't mind taking her in for a little bit."

Kushina tilted her head and looked down at me.

I gave her a big, cheesy grin.

"You mean, Jiraiya isn't going to man up and take care of her himself?" she asked in a very innocent manner.

"Nope," was Minato's curt response.

"Why, Kushina, have I congratulated you on your engagement yet? I swear, you two were made for each other." Jiraiya suddenly chimed in.

Real smooth, old man.

"Really? Thanks! I-" Kushina gushed for about three seconds before pausing. Then her happy face transformed into one of righteous fury as she stormed towards the Sannin. "WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU BAS-" She stopped again, looking at me in horror.

What, bastard? I know that word already, ma'am.

"Bas...ket," she awkwardly amended.

"YOU BASKET!" She turned to Jiraiya again, grabbing his shirt. "SHE'S YOUR FREAKING DAUGHTER!"

"I already know that!" Jiraiya immediately replied. "But this is good for her too!"

"Like hell it is!"

"C'mon, Kushina. You know full well I am incapable and unqualified to take care of another human being. Isn't it better for her to be raised by two normal and loving parents?" Jiraiya asked, waggling his eyebrows at me. "Ask her. She'll pick you two over me any day."

Kushina turned to me out of reflex.

I bowed deeply to her. "I'd rather not spend any more time with that sleazeball."

"Ouch." Jiraiya winced. "Even though it's true, it hurts. Is it because she's my kid?"

Kushina finally let him go. She had a very undecided look on her face, glancing between a beaming me and a hopeful-looking Jiraiya.

"Kushina, we've always talked about starting a family together, right?" Minato coaxed. "And I know the circumstances aren't what we were imagining, but this could be our first step."

Oof. Nice boyfriend speech, Minato.

"Well..." Kushina pondered. "I mean it's not like I don't want her."

"Please," I said, bowing my head a little. "Don't leave me with him," I said, pointing towards Jiraiya.

"Uhnnn..." Kushina continued to make indecisive sounds.

Time to bust out the trump card, then.

"I want to have fun living with you, Kushina-neechan."

"I WANT HER!"

Alright, so that's one objective checked from 'Operation: Happily Ever After'.

XXXXXXXXXX

A/N:Thoughts? I really want to know about how you guys feel about the writing, rather than the plot, for now.