Title: Can You Scratch My...
Authoress: Lady Constantine
Fandom from Which This Fiction Hails: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Humor/General
Warnings: This story swears a lot and may contain a lot of sexually explicit stuff. Rated T for Teens
Summary:
Envy's got a bit of a problem...it's an uncomfortable itch in the most unlikely of places.
Author's Note: As I stated in chapter 9 of Dear September (read it if you haven't), I've been suffering from a bit of writer's block so I'm going to do these drabbles and oneshots until my brain is back in gear. If you like a certain story I'll expand on it a bit later. If you have ideas for chapters send them to me! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA; always wish I did though…
Can You Scratch My…
8:23 Am in Wittier Asylum, Risembool. In my cell.
I was playing my rudimentary and daily game of chess with the guards. Today we were battling it out for the last slice of toasted bread, a shot of Valium, and a week's supply of Keopectat, which would prevent anyone from knowing that I had slipped myself a healthy dose of Tylenol PM this morning. Naturally I would outsmart the guards, and considering my condition (been put in a straight jacket), it was rather sad that I was still able to beat them efficiently with my feet.
"Knight to A3,-
"Invalid move Mr. Havoc…" It was a very valid move, but he wouldn't know. Humans never pay attention to anything that required both wit and skill…of course neither did I, but I'm not human.
"Rook to B2?"
"Rooks can only move vertically and horizontally…" I doubted he knew what either word meant, but he nodded thoughtfully.
"Then what can I do?" You can shut up and give me the keys…
"Bishop to H6…" I said with a grin.
"Hahaha Envy. I know you by now, I should do the opposite approach!" My grin faded into a scowl as a mumbled a curse. "Check!"
My grin returned soon after, I knocked away his knight with mine. "Checkmate you loose again Havoc. Better luck next time." An inconsolable itch spawned on my bottom. I yawned, "I'll tell you what, you can keep the bread and the Keopectat, hell even the Valium."
"Wow. Really?"
"Yes…"
"Thank Envy…" he said in astonishment.
"Although….I require a bigger favor that that. Can you scratch my-
"Forget it." Havoc lit up a cigarette, enjoying my obvious discomfort. "Hey, Mustang, why don't you ever play a game with him?"
Mustang stole a smoke from Havoc. "There aren't enough hours in a day…" we grinned at each other. I knew very well that I would—indefinitely—kick his ass. But I credited him for being smart enough to reserve his dignity and lie.
The phone rang; Colonel Mustang went to go pick it up. "Envy you have two visitors—twenty minutes with each. The first is…Gracia Hughes…" he said solemnly and gave me an angry stare.
"Fine, fine…I'll be nice this time…"
8:23 Am in Wittier Asylum, Risembool. In holding…
I smiled as she came in, "Ah welcome, I trust you're getting back from your husband's funeral? I really wanted to say the eulogy."
"I just wanted you to know…Envy I forgive you…" I sighed and rolled my eyes. It's amazing how humans think I actually care about being forgiven. Hell, if I did hold the 'guilt' emotion at one time, it long been drowned out with Novocain, Ketorolac and Valium.
I found it even more amazing—still, that she could lie to herself and actually say those words. But I needed her for something important…maybe I could fake my way into getting what I wanted.
"Humans are trite little shits aren't they?" I chuckled, "would you like to know how I killed your husband?" Her face flashed with many different shades of horror. (Like turning pale white and proceeding to green as I continued). "Well it was rather too easy so I got bored and stabbed him repeatedly. I thought about slicing him up and eating him. But dear me, I'm no Hannibal Lecter (Though he is the human I emulate the most). Gluttony might have taken a nibble somewhere somehow, but my dear Gracia, you and I both know that he's not going to miss those family jewels anytime soon."
"I-I know this is just an act you put on! You're really scared inside!" I would have balled out laughing if her solemn look wasn't so startling, just a few more lines and I would have what I want.
Damn I hate bible-preachers… "You're right…Mrs. Hughes. I'm sorry. It was…all just…But I had to do it! He found out who I was too soon!" I said in a low whisper to make anyone hearing think I was truly scared. "A-and the next thing you know…" I covered my eyes and pretended to sob loudly, the itch in on my butt getting worse. I was actually laughing, but it all sounded the same to her.
"It's okay Envy…I told you…I forgive you." She hugged me and I hid my grin behind her back.
"There is but one favor I ask you…"
"Anything Envy! Anything for progress!"
I gave a look of innocence. "Will you scratch my ass?"
8:23 Am in Wittier Asylum, Risembool. In holding…still
Master Dante decided to send her pet Lyra to nag at me again.
"Envy I can't believe you got caught! What the hell do you think you're doing! You're lucky Pride let you off with five months in a mental ward!"
"Yeah to actually think they bought my insanity plea." I rolled my eyes. "So…how are the twins…" I said looking at her cleavage with a sly smile. She turned beat red.
"Envy you better knock it off! Wait till Dante finds out! She'll punish you severely!" I drowned out her voice with the music that was playing next door. I think it was bluegrass…regardless, I hated it, and it didn't work. So I made a list of things Lyra reminded me of:
"You good for nothing-
Nails on a chalk board
"Disease ridden-
The sound of glass breaking…
"How could you do this-
Lyra's first day of her period… "Oh by the by Lyra, is it your period?" she turned even redder.
"WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE MY PERIOD!"
Definitely her period…
"Ugh Envy why can't you just understand…"
A truck backfiring, Sanjaya singing…or maybe it was more William Chungish…two prostitutes fighting over a twinkie…
"Yeah, yeah, whatever Lyra. Do you want to know what I found out or what?" I said impatiently.
"Really? Wow…you're smarter than I thought you were." She came close to me, as if she were going to kiss me.
Eww…
"Uh huh, well next time will it kill you to shave your beard at least once a month? Not only is it growing a little furry, it's growing…stuff…period…" She held her breath and turned fire engine red. "Before you get mad and do anything rash—like realize no one wants to sleep with you— and speaking of rash will you do me a small favor and scratch my ass?"
-Slap-
A/N: Yay first one down! Can anyone answer the question: why is Envy in this asylum? (hint it's not because he's crazy or murder…) Anyway next chapter 'I Am Happy/Sad/Wrath' It's so sad :(!
