So.

This is a drabble, I guess. I will make another part to it, I promise.

Dear Artie,

You've always been a staple in my life. You've always been the one to be there and pick me up when I needed you. I could never thank you enough for those perfect years when I could call you up at any hour of the night and you would be right there for me. Thinking about that made me remember that time when we were in the park during the winter and you put your scarf around me so I wouldn't get sick. A day later when you caught a cold and I had nothing, I bet you regretted that decision. I had to laugh at you when you were sniffling and I was perfectly okay. I remember kissing your forehead and trying to make it better. You laughed then.

Being in Glee club with you was the best time of my life. The times we would use Glee as an excuse to blow off our homework and have extra time to see each other were hilarious. We thought we were sneaky, but changed our minds a few weeks later when your mom yelled at us. I remember giggling on the floor of your room, whispering so your mom wouldn't hear us. Those were truly the best moments of my life. The songs we would sing to each other meant a lot and I even listen to the original versions of them now, trying to bring back the moments of us singing them. It's kind of bittersweet.

Another time I like to remember is our first real date. Remember, the one in the park? Remember how happy we were? I think we both forgot the world and everything melted away as we sat together, shoving food in each other's mouths, laughing uncontrollably. You and your dad dressed it up in battery-operated twinkle lights so when the sun went down, we still had light besides the strong shining of the moon. I don't think you thought I saw, but I saw all of those silly glances you shot at me, just to make sure I was happy. I was. You didn't have to worry, you know.

My whole world came crashing down when we broke up. I don't think you noticed how hard it stabbed me in the chest every time I saw you with Brittany. I guess I was being hypocritical, because I was dating Mike. Well, use that term lightly. "Dating". I don't think you really care about how things went with Mike, but it was pretty bad. I never felt happy like I did when I was with you. Nothing was ever the same. He never tickled me when he knew I was upset or made sure I was warm or texted me to make sure I was okay before I went to bed. He never told me that he loved me before I left the school parking lot like you always used to do. He never made me smile as big or laugh as loud. I just wanted you to know that no one could ever fill the spot in my heart that I always left for you. You'll always be there, no matter what.

Mike did some things to me that no honorable person would have done to anyone. Things that would have appalled even the strongest of people. Things I know I'll never be able to forget. I don't even want people to come close to me in fear that it will happen again. My mom patted my arm the other day when I was doing homework and I jumped and started to breathe really hard. I had to hide it. I couldn't have anyone knowing what I was going through. I guess right now, it doesn't matter much.

Remember that day at Glee club when you asked me if I was okay? I got tears in my eyes and scolded myself not to cry right in front of you. I couldn't have you see me like that. That's why I pretended to smile and told you I was doing great. I even asked you how you were doing. When you told me you were doing amazingly, I almost lost it. That's the night that I started doing other things I regret.

I remember smiling as the blood dripped down my arms, as I pulled the razor across my skin. It was my first genuine smile in a long time. I kept going. I was begging for the sweet release. The first 3 were for you, Mike and Brittany. They were small, but I think it really represents how little things can hurt really badly. I cried for a few hours and slapped a few band-aids on them, just so no one would know. I continued this behavior, even though each time I panicked and told myself how..worthless I was.

Not good enough.

Not pretty enough.

Stupid girl.

Hideous.

No one will ever take you back.

The ugly truth was that I was weak. I wasn't strong enough to fight back. I let Mike trap me and hold me in his grip until he cheated on me with Santana and I finally ended things. He left me even more broken than I was before. I knew that no one was going to be there for me at that point, even the person that was the root of the problem. I just wanted someone to be there to hold my hand and tell me it was okay. You were the only one that even suspected anything after the cutting began, but didn't look into it. It hurt, Artie. You knew I wasn't okay. You knew very well that I wasn't okay. I could see it in your eyes that you knew something was up. You even furrowed your eyebrows and gazed over at me, slightly apologetic. That's where it ended.

Most of the time when I would look at you during the day, you looked pretty happy. This is why I would go back to the park at night sometimes, sobbing into the grass. I remember sitting on the edge of the sidewalk, the rain falling all around me. I could swear I could hear you screaming in my ears to leave. I couldn't. I gave up.

My 30 days are up.

You see, I gave myself 30 days to live. 30 days to turn my life around. I couldn't do it in time. I tried, Artie, I honestly did, but Mike coming up to me yesterday when I was inches away from giving up the sadness and trying to get help, but Mike telling me all of the things I was nearly sure of ruined it for me. It's my last day here, Artie. My very last day. I don't think this will get to you on time, but I bet by the time you read this, it's going to be too late for me. I'll get back up on the roof, but for real this time. I'll actually stand with my toes over the edge, poised to jump, knowing I'm going to follow through. I'll finish the job this time. Exterminate myself.

I just want you to know that when I fly away today, I'll always love you, no matter where I am. I never told you that I would give you the sky, the moon and the stars if you wanted it. By the way, I sent your scarf along with the letter. I won't be needing it anymore.

You'll always have my heart.

Always.

Signed,

Tina Cohen-Chang.