A/N: Please, read it as you listen to "Make this go on forever" by Snow Patrol. It's based on it. Enjoy!
My dear Addison,
where should I start from? I acknowledge the fact that it isn't working. I wanted to tell you that I don't want our love, our life together, to turn into an awful and awkward memory full of pain and regret. I don't want it to change; I want to remember you as my wife of almost twelve years, my first love, my rock.
I want to apologize for what I did with Meredith. I know you know, and the way you found out – I was supposed to be the one you heard it from. I also know that you'd want more, you wish in you heart that I'll ask you to forgive me. But I won't. Because Addison, in that very moment it felt right. And no matter how much it hurts, how much it'll hurt me either, but I can't go back. We can't go back to where we were. I hope you'll never forget though, because you'll always be the best to me. My best love. That I can promise. Meredith isn't someone to replace you, she just represents something different. I think I love her, but I won't ever love her as much as I did with you.
If I could go back, though, there is one thing I'd do differently. I'd never say all the hurtful things I've told you, Addison. You didn't deserve them, not a bit. I kept thinking that what you did was the most awful thing a woman could do to her husband, and then I went and did the same.
I'm sure throughout years I'll recall our first kiss and all the good things you said to me, and these things will always matter. You will always be the first and last one – the first one I ever loved and the last one I've completely opened up to.
Although I know our reasons for breaking up, I wish we could stay together. You were my certainty in life. Maybe, I keep telling myself, being apart will bring us to better things, towards a new happiness that deep down we deserve and crave. We will get there, Addison – just not together.
Derek stared at the black words he had written on the white paper; he had told her how he felt, and the things he wanted her to know were finally written down. He needed a good end though, he couldn't just write down his name without a goodbye. On the other hand, goodbye would mean closure, and he didn't want closure. For now, he felt good that way. When one day, as he was sure of, they would want closure, then they could find a way to get it.
He put the paper in the envelope that stood on the wooden table, thinking he could send it on the way to the hospital.
xxx
Addison never read the letter. When the postman brought it to her house, her body already lay in the hospital morgue, lifeless. It had just been to much to bear.
Derek felt his heart burning, and right at that second he set the letter in her beautiful coffin, on her own heart. After that, his core turned icy.
