Author's note: Purely crack. I was given a prompt on tumblr and this is what came of it. Enjoy!


It was war. As is every paintball game when one pits significant others against each other.

Jack Kelly and his gang of merry men had decided to challenge their lady friends (some of which were considered their girlfriends, others just close confidants) and guy friends (some of which were considered their boyfriends, others just close confidants) one Saturday afternoon when they had the day off. Jack and his multiple ridiculously-yet-adorably-nicknamed-friends all worked at the same pizza joint (some place called Tibby's) in Manhattan and had decided to put their free hours to good use. How they all ended up getting the same day off was a mystery, but one thing could be sure: the tables would be extremely dirty without the numerous bus boys there to whisk away the plates.

Jack currently stalked the field that had been specifically designed for the most professional of paintballers-and for grade school aged birthday parties as well-hunting down anyone he saw that possessed boobs, as it was mostly guys against girls except in a few situations like Spot and Race. He was almost certain that there was only one person on the opposing team yet, however he was almost as certain of that fact as he was of the fact that he was the only person left on his own team. And his opposer, for he had some thoughts as to who that may be as well, was cunning and sharp. She'd totally be a Ravenclaw if Hogwarts was real (which it totally is, not sayin' just sayin').

He rounded a corner, arms outstretched, both hands clasping the grip of his gun, as is seen in every movie in which a character possesses a weapon other than a shotgun, and came face to face with his sly nemesis: his girlfriend, Sarah Jacobs. They mirrored each other perfectly (for they had watched the same movies on several dates, even if they weren't completely focused on the movie the entire time), silently smirking at one another as they began to move in a circle (yet another tactic learned from the movies and also used for dramatic effect).

"Looks like it's just you and me," Sarah pointed out, grinning. "As far as I can tell anyway. I took out a couple of your guys, Racetrack pretty much took out the rest."

Jack rolled his eyes. "I took out Race. He was a bit distracted."

"You also took out Spot…who is on your team."

"Yeah, well, it's not my fault that Spot was making spots on Race's neck in that hiding hole. Their proximity was much too close. Sacrifices must be made, Sarah. Besides, Spot and I planned that ahead of time."

Sarah snorted. "You planned for Spot to be horny?"

"Well, no, we just counted on it, that's all."

Sarah smiled. "Well luckily for me, I don't get as distracted. I've got my sights set on you, but from the barrel of a gun."

Jack rolled his eyes. "We really need to start watching more romantic comedies. That line was just bad."

Sarah let out a barking laugh (yet again another spy movie cliche), both she and Jack about to pull the triggers, when, out of nowhere, like some sort of stealth ninja, Les fell from the sky, paintball guns in both hands, letting out a high-pitched and victorious scream as he landed between them, and shot. The two looked down at their clothes, where a small smear of green paint was directly over their hearts. "Les!" Jack yelled. "I'm on your team, dude!"

Les let out an evil mwhahaha. "I play for no team. I am a lone warrior!" And with that, he shot Jack in the crotch and ran off, giggling like the mad little man he was.

"We really can't let your brother tag along for everything," Jack squeaked.