A/N: Same rules apply as my first parody of the 1st book/movie. Just for entertainment purposes.
Chapter One
----Harry sat at his desk, writing yet another letter to his friends Ron and Hermione. It seems that's all that he was doing. He hoped that by annoying them enough with letters that they would finally respond. He hadn't heard form any of them in over a month and he wanted to know what was going on.
Ron and Hermione,
Dudes! Wtf is wrong with you guys?! I'm stuck with these muggles all summer that make my life a living hell and you're off doing whatever with whoever in a hot tub! Don't deny it!
Harry
Yes, he was definitely sick of being left out, and to make things worse, Hedwig wouldn't stop squawking in her cage. "Hedwig! You stupid chicken! I told you you can't go out! Uncle Vernon will have my head and somehow I really don't doubt that."
Harry could have sworn that a thought bubble with 'well then blast his ass!' appeared over the top of her head, but before he could inquire further he was called down stairs.
"Harry Potter!" Uncle Vernon bellowed.
"Yes, Uncle Vernon?" Harry said, stepping into the living room.
"If you can't control That bird of your, it'll have to go," he said, fussing with Dudley's tie.
"But she's bored, if I could only let her out for an hour or two--"
"Heh! So you can send messages to your freaky little friends? No sir!"
Dudley laughed and shouldered him hard.
"Right, now, the Mason's are about to arrive and we need to run over our places. So, Petunia you'll be..."
"In the living room, waiting to welcome them graciously into our home," she said with a flourish of her hands. Harry gaged.
"And Dudley..."
"I'll be waiting to open the door," he said in his most refined gentleman voice that just sounded like a little girl.
"And you'll be..." they all turned to glare at Harry.
"I'll be up in my room, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist," he responded as if reading a script.
"Too right you are. This very well may be the most important deal I make of my career and you'll not be messing it up," his face began to turn red at the thought of it going wrong.
"Relax," Harry reassured. "Just don't tell that stupid Japanese golfer joke and you should be good."
"What was that boy?!" Uncle Vernon roared.
"I said, just don't tell that stupid Japanese golfer joke and you'll be good. Maybe if you lost some weight so there wasn't so much fat blocking your ears you'd've heard the first time!" Harry took off and ran after that, for Uncle Vernon turned a violent shade of red and purple with that remark.
Harry ran and closed and locked his bedroom door laughing.
For hours Harry lay on his back listening to Aunt Petunia's shrill laugh, Dudley's usual clueless laugh (he usually had no clue what anything meant. Put it this was, it wasn't covered in chocolate and grease, he had no clue what was said).
At quarter to nine there was a pop and the strangest creature Harry had ever seen in his life was standing in the middle of his room.
"Harry Potter sir, such an honor," it bowed.
"Umm, what are you?" Harry asked.
"I'm Doby sir; Doby the House Elf," he flourished another bow.
"Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't exactly a good time to have visitors in my room," Harry glanced nervously at the door.
"Plus, I'm not in the best of moods. I haven't heard from any of my friends for a while now. I keep sending them letters but I never get anything back. If I had a Sickle for every letter I sent I'd have--"
"Sixteen Sickles," Doby offered.
"Yeah-Wait, how would you know?" he regarded the elf, sizing him up. Yeah, I could take him, he though to himself.
"There are bad things going on at Hogwarts this year!" Doby warned. He gasped. "I shouldn't have said that!" he grabbed the near by lamp and began hitting himself over the head with it.
"Doby! Stop!" Harry said. Too late, the sound of a hippo climbing a staircase sounded. Uncle Vernon heard. Geeze! He must have the ears of a Fennec Fox!
"What the devil is going on here?!" he shouted.
"Nothing," Harry had hurried and shoved Doby into the closet. Uncle Vernon looked around before leaving. Harry shouted down after him, "I've told you before! Incest is wrong!"
Doby came back out of the closet. "Never thought I'd do that twice," he remarked, removing a sock from his ear.
"Harry Potter musn't be mad at Doby. Doby did what he thought was best sir," he slowly took out a bundle of letters from the folds of the rag he was wearing.
"Give those to me!" Harry ordered.
"No!" Doby ran out of the room.
"Little bitch! Get back here!" he made a grab for him but his fingers slipped.
They stumbled into the kitchen. Doby spotted the cake that Aunt Petunia had baked and nicely decorated earlier that day.
Harry read what Doby was thinking. "No Doby! Don't! You haven't had dinner yet!"
Doby snapped his fingers.
"Aunt Petunia doesn't like to be snapped at!" Harry cried.
The cake magically began to float in the air. The faster Harry went to-wards it to stop it the faster it moved away from him, soon dropping on Mrs. Mason's head. The family cried in horror. They looked up to see Harry with his hands outstretched. They didn't care that he too looked to be as if in shock.
--The next day Uncle Vernon installed bars across the window of Harry's room. "You're never going back to that school!" he kept shouting over and over.
"Think of the neighbors!" Aunt Petunia cried, looking to see if the nosy woman next door was peering out her back window. Of course she was; Aunt Petunia waved.
Harry just stared out in disbelief. This had to be his worest birthday yet.
--He was awoken that night by a rumbling in the sky and a bright light shining into his room. Groggily he put his glasses on to peer out. An old Ford car pulled to to the window.
"Hiya Harry!" a familiar voice called out.
"Ron?" he looked closer. It was Ron and his two other brothers, Fred and George.
"Yeah! We were getting worried about you. I haven't gotten any letters! You alright mate?"
"I'll be fine. But I don't think I'm going back to Hogwarts this year. My uncle put bars on my window."
Fred and George looked at each other with a grin. "Not to worry Harry," Fred said. George climbed into the back and pulled up a grappling hook and placed it on the bars. "You might want to stand back and pack your stuff," George cautioned.
Harry hurried and threw all his books and uniforms into his suitcase. On the count of three, George pulled the car forward and the bars off the window with a loud crash.
"Hurry!" Ron called.
Harry had gotten his effects in the car and was about to climb in himself when he heard Uncle Vernon storming down the hall. "You're not going back!" he shouted.
About in the car, Uncle Vernon managed to grab Harry's foot. "What's wrong with you?!" Harry cried. "Do you have a foot fetish or something?!" he gave a good kick and Uncle Vernon went tumbling out of the window into the bushes below.
Harry was free at last.
--At dawn, George began to lower the car. A strange, cozy house came into view.
"Welcome home," Fred said.
Quietly entering The Burrow as to not wake anyone, especially Mrs. Weasley, they snuck some scones and rolls off of a plate on the table.
Harry stared around in amazement. So this is what a wizard home was like. There was a pan in the sink with a charmed scrubber scrubbing away. Harry grinned when he saw a clock that had all the family's individual pictures on it and where they were. Instead of having time increments there were destinations such as 'Work' 'Home' 'Lost' and even one for 'Don't Care'.
They were all about to sneak up the stairs when there was a thundering coming down from them.
"Where have you been?!" it was Mrs. Weasley. Fred, George and Ron grimaced. So close...
"Beds empty! No note! You could have died, you could have been seen! Harry dear, how nice to see you," she smiled at him. Harry returned the smile but shifted uncomfortably.
"They were starving him mum! There were bars on his window," Ron said defensively.
"You best hope I don't put bars on your window Ronald Weasley," she gave him 'the scolding mother eye'.
"Come, time for a bit of breakfast," she ushered Harry into a seat.
Harry leaned into Ron, "Is your mum bi-polar?" Ron shrugged.
"Morning Weasleys!" a cheery voice called from outside.
"Morning dad!" they all called back.
"What a busy day! Nine raids!" he removed his cap to reveal a balding head, but still some red hair. A famous Weasley trait.
"Harry's going to join us dad," Ron put in.
"Really?" he turned to Harry. "So, you live with Muggles don't you?" he asked eagerly.
"Uh, yeah."
"Tell me, what exactly is the function of the rubber duck?" he took a bit of egg, leaned in so he didn't miss any important details.
"Uhh," Harry tried to think of a good way to explain when Mrs. Weasley cut in. "You might want to talk to them about flying that car of yours. They flew it to get Harry last night and didn't return until this morning. They're lucky they weren't seen!"
"Did you really?" he turned to face his sons. "How'd it go?!" his face lit up, but soon dropped when he was smacked on the shoulder by Mrs. Weasley. "I mean, that was very wrong. You shouldn't have done that." They all looked around, clearly not scolded but giggling. Mrs. Weasley rolled her eyes.
An owl flew in through the kitchen window, holding a stack of letters in it's beak. "Must be our Hogwarts letters," Percy said just joining them, taking the letters from the owl.
They each unfolded their letters looking over what they would need.
Harry smiled as he looked around. This was going to be a good year.
