The problem with horcruxing oneself was that it put the body into an almost rotting state. Each piece of soul in an item took away a mind and bodily function and so he was barely hanging in there. Here are what each Horcrux controlled:
1.. the diary (his creativity)
2. The cup (hunger and thirst)
3. The crown (sleep)
4. Nagini (ability to make friends)
5. The ring (ability to control is arms) .
6. the locket (ability to feel love)
7. Harry Potter (his bodily functions)
8. His butt plug (ability to feel sex)
9. His old severed dong (ability to have sex)
The truth was Voldemort was constipated. Big time. He had to force himself to eat these days because although he felt no thirst or hunger he still needed energy and had to force himself to eat. His guts no longer worked though and everything had become one solid lump in the past year. It felt like concrete in his colon. He had strained for a long time and nothing was working. It was only now that it was so bad he looked pregnant that the pain started to register and the weight was making him too heavy to fly. The death eaters were also laughing at him. Something had to be done. He tried taking copious laxatives but nothing happened except he got more constipated as a pill-boulder formed in his stomach. He tried a hot bath. And hot drinks. But nothing.
In the end he had to seek help from a trusted friend. "Severus! Help me, hast thou a colonic cordial that I could use to free yon bowels from this boulder?" Snape shook his slimy head and went back to his dungeon. Voldemort yelled in pain and tried slamming his stomach on a rock in attempts to make the mass smaller . It only hurt him and he yelled "eh he he" in pain. He went to Lucius Malfoy who suggested a coffee enema. He tried this but could not get the tube in because of all the poo.
Draco found the dark lord crying in a corner of Malfoy mansion and quietly suggested something. Voldemort stopped his sniffles and revealed his bare white backside to Draco. "Not here, at hog warts sir" and they flew to Hogwarts. Here Draco corkscrewed a corkscrew through Voldermort's anus into the concrete poop until it was firm and tied a rope to it and his broomstick. Voldemort stayed bent over as Draco shot into the air. The dark lord waited a few seconds for a tug but nothing. Then as the slack was used up he was pulled violently into the air. And so Voldemort could be seen streaking across the sky being pulled by his poop plug ass first as his robes flapped around him. His honking echoed off the castle and Draco screwed his face up at the noise. It hadn't worked. In the end Draco cut the rope and let him fall into the great lake. There was a large splash and as Voldermort's dragged himself out he muttered "oh woe is me" and lay there as the goat squid started pulling on the rope. He yelled as the corkscrew flew out but left the solid poop inside him. The creature disappeared into the shadows.
Draco landed by the dark lord and apologised. "Just get this out of me." He begged and Draco forced a rubber tube up his backside . He attached a douche bag to the end of it and hung it off the top of Gryffindor tower. He filled it with strong coffee and let gravity do it's work. Voldemort laughed in triumph as the bag started to empty. He felt a rumble in his colon. Draco squeezed the bag and suddenly diarrhea sprayed everywhere. Out of Voldemorts ears, mouth, nose, rectum and penis hole (though he had no cock). It jet propelled everywhere letting out a years worth of poop. It took an hour for it all drain away and voldemort was exhausted by the point. He poked around his backside and let out a roar of frustration: the boulder was still there.
The end
