Hera didn't get a chance to continue their conversation until well past when everyone else had gone to sleep. She knew Kanan was still up and had called him into her quarters. He stood now just inside the door with his arms crossed over his chest. His hair was down and damp, and his sleep pants were tied loosely at his hips. There were fresh bacta patches on his torso. She saw the ones he couldn't reach on his back and gestured toward them with an inquiring look. He nodded, and she grabbed new patches from the kit in her top drawer.
She winced as she removed the first patch and saw the electrical burn. She knew the bacta soothed and healed it, but it was an ugly reminder of what Kanan had been through. Fortunately or not, Hera had the experience to be able to re-dress the wounds quickly. She noticed tension drop from his shoulders, though, when her fingers pulled away.
Stepping back, Hera lifted her chin and asked the question that scared her. "Are you going to leave?"
Kanan was decent enough to be honest with her. "It occurred to me." He knew it hurt her to hear the truth, but he was hurting, too. Hera had kept a staggering secret from him, one that impacted all them. He let it hang in the air for several moments, and then he pushed that nerve even harder. "Ahsoka debriefed me." He saw Hera stiffen. "Told me you abandoned your initial rescue efforts on her order. That Ezra disobeyed you to find me."
"You said it yourself: it was stupid and reckless."
"It was. But that's not why you gave up."
Hera turned her back to him, on the defensive now. "We agreed not to make dangerous choices because of how we felt about each other."
"Hera." He had never used that tone with her before. "This isn't about how how we feel about each other. This is about who is calling the shots in our lives. You didn't give up because you chose to. You gave up because Fulcrum told you to."
Hera raised her voice. "I was following orders, Kanan."
His was barely above a strained whisper. "So were the clone troopers, Hera."
Her stomach dropped, and she closed her eyes, imagining once again young Caleb Dume running for his life.
Kanan went on. "The Jedi Order was exterminated by people - our friends and comrades - taking orders from an unseen influence. They had chips in their heads to make sure they complied. But you -" His voice cracked for a moment. "- you followed orders even though it went against your better judgment. I know this because you wouldn't have gone along with Ezra's plan if you thought it was the wrong thing to do."
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him turn away from her. "I'm not happy that Ezra disobeyed you. But I'm willing to give the kid a pass because he didn't have the full picture - you didn't give him the full picture - and he thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't try to save my master, and it haunts me to this day. So I understand Ezra's decision even if I don't condone it."
Now he turned back to her, and Hera brought herself to face him. "I've fought for half my life to stay alive after the last war. You knew I didn't want to get involved in a larger rebellion, but you got us all involved and without giving us a chance to choose. And you followed the orders of their shadowy operative that went against what you and your crew wanted. So I have to know: why does this Rebellion have more power over you than your family, your own conscience?"
As he spoke, Kanan watched Hera's face crumple from defiant to despondent. She gasped out his name, and it was like a breeze snuffing out a flame. Kanan let go of his pain and pulled her to his chest. She curled her arms tight between them, afraid to brush against his burns, and his arms encircled her slight flame. He tipped his chin to kiss her forehead, and he breathed in the sweet, spicy scent of her skin. Just this morning he been on Tarkin's ship and thought that he would never hold her again.
Her words were mixed with choked sobs. "Kanan… I… I kept remembering the public Jedi executions. I couldn't eat or sleep. I saw your mutilated, lifeless body every time I closed my eyes. I had waking dreams of finding..." She retched, holding back the bile. "...Of finding your severed head here in the Ghost. I couldn't think of anything but your death." Kanan tightened his grip on her and ran slow, soothing strokes down a lek. He recalled the relentless visions of blaster fire tearing through his master, the years of seeing his dead master around every dark corner, and his heart hurt for Hera.
Kanan could tell Hera was working through her thoughts. "I was in bad shape. I tried to hide it from the crew, tried to be a leader, but I know they saw through it. When Fulcrum - Ahsoka - told me to stop, I lost what little hope I had left. I felt dead inside. I didn't want to stop searching for you, but I was scared of losing everyone else. Things don't work without you."
They were silent for a long time while he continued to stroke her lek, then Kanan spoke quietly against Hera's temple. "Right after the war, I stole a ship - from the guy who helped me survive in the first days after Order 66 - and made a run for Coruscant. When I got there and discovered how alone I really was in the Galaxy…" Kanan sighed. "We aren't always true to ourselves when we are desperate and hopeless."
He gripped her shoulders and stepped back so they were face to face. "But Hera, you hid this -" he gestured vaguely in the direction of the Rebel ship, "from me. You're my -" He couldn't think of a word strong enough for what they had that Hera would allow. "After all that we've been through together, all that we are to each other… This is not the level of trust I thought we had."
Hera wasn't just a master of defensive maneuvering in the Ghost. "I thought this wasn't about how we feel about each other."
"Fine. Part of this is about our feelings. And this hurts me. Deeply."
"Kanan," his name came out as a plea, "I didn't tell you about the larger Rebellion because I wanted to protect you." She placed her palms on bare chest and sighed. "But you're right. When you were gone and presumed dead, I realized not knowing didn't keep you safer. It only kept other people safer." She searched his eyes. "I'm sorry for making other people more important than you, Kanan."
"And I'm sorry for what you went through while I was gone, Hera. I'm glad you told me because it gives me context for why you let a stranger decide my fate for you." She winced at that. "But I need you to know..." Here, he paused and straightened his back, pulling away from Hera. He closed his eyes. "I need you to know that you damaged our relationship with this secret." He opened his eyes on time to see her eyebrow markings furrow, and then she looked down. He put a finger under her chin and lifted her face back up to meet his eyes. "I need you to know, not because I want you to feel guilt or shame, but because I'm struggling with this. My trust is shaken. I don't trust that you won't keep other things from me or are still even now. That you will be completely open and honest in our relationship. Hera, I've never trusted someone as deeply and completely as I have trusted you. Discovering that you have deceived me… I don't know how to sort through those feelings yet."
Hera open her mouth to respond, but Kanan needed her to see the whole picture. "And I don't want to be at war. I'm struggling to train a Padawan who is going to be more vulnerable with the more enemies we have. With more reasons to fear. I don't know that I have what I need to protect him if he starts to feel the pull of the Dark side."
"So you would take Ezra, too?"
Kanan released her shoulders and ran his hand through his hair. "I said it occurred to me. I didn't say I am leaving. You should know I can't leave you, Hera. Even if I can't trust you like I once did right now."
Hera closed her eyes in relief and grief.
"And I can't leave the kids. Our family is more than just the two of us, now. They need us - both of us. I could sense tension in Ezra. We're the first family he's had in years, and I am going to have to help him work through these newfound fears of abandonment." Hera shook her head in frustration with herself. She hadn't even realized Ezra might not trust her after leaving his master to be tortured at the hands of the Empire.
Kanan took her face gently in his cool hands, and Hera looked up at him. "I intend to forgive you and learn to trust you again. I love you, and I want us to grow stronger than ever." He stroked her cheekbone with his thumb. "You're just going to have to help me with that."
She clasped her hand to his that cradled her face, and she felt real hope for the first time since his capture.
"Yes, dear."
