Equinox (Star Trek)

Pavel wakes up in the middle of the night for the third time this week. It's that same dream, that same one image that's haunting him. Spock's hand outstretched towards the empty transporter pad. The blank screen of the transporter room monitor still burns his eyes like the day he saw the words 'terminated' printed in red next to the dot where Spock's mother would have been. He hasn't looked Spock in the eyes since. As much as he wants to, he simply can't.

The cold water in the sink is only going to keep Pavel awake but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to sleep if it means seeing Spock's sad face again. It's the only time he has ever seen Spock show emotion; he hopes it's the last.

Hikaru Sulu is still asleep while Pavel takes his PADD from the charger. Sulu sleeps soundly most nights, Pavel envies him a little. Sulu was probably touched more by the Romulan incident than he was. One of his friends was on the Farragut. Pavel didn't know anyone directly but he's still haunted by the thought of how easily it could have been him. If his marks were slightly lower or if there was someone in the class who was particularly better he mightn't be standing there in the dark feeling his way back to his bed. He waits until Sulu has stopped stirring to let the dim light of the PADD fill the room. His screen saver unsurprisingly a photo he took of space the first time he went there. The moon is dim in the corner and although he is no photographer he's pretty proud of the picture. It's such a dorky thing to do but he doesn't care really.

He checks through his mail, most of which is junk, and does anything he can to pass the time. It's only 3:13 in the morning, he's more used to waking up an hour or so later. It always seems to be 4:00 or so when he wakes up, the extra hour to pass is nearly a cruel joke. He puts the PADD down a few minutes later and rubs his red eyes. He can't help but dread that nights like these won't stop.

Pavel's only seventeen and it seems to give Leonard McCoy a reason to baby him. Pavel doesn't need to be looked after, he's done a reasonable job himself for most of his life. One of the perks or being smart, most people assume you're fine on your own. The excessively bright lights of medbay sting Pavel's eyes a little more. He hopes McCoy won't be on duty but he knows he's not that lucky. He's right.

McCoy looks as if he has been anticipating arrival, and for the most part he has. Since everything that happened with the Narada the number of people in medbay has sky rocketed. Even James Kirk had been in a few times for sleeping pills and other medication to soothe his nerves. McCoy raises an eyebrow when he sees Pavel, he acknowledges the doctor with a silent nod and takes a seat in the waiting area. The doctor doesn't let him sit down for long before pulling himself into his office.

"Sleep?" he asks, checking his watch and rummaging through a cupboard above his desk. Pavel nods and slumps into the chair adjacent his and rubs his temples. He is starting to get a strong headache. The doctor passes him a packet with about twelve little pink pills in them.

"Make sure you take them just before you go to bed, make sure you've eaten something. Don't drink or operate heavy machinery, yeah, yeah you get the idea. What's making you restless?"

Pavel sighs, he just wanted the pills, not a discussion about it. "Just nightmares," he mutters submissively, going to stand up. McCoy glares him back into his seat and sits on his desk, crossing his arms. Pavel buries his head in his hands and takes a deep breath. "Spock's mother, if I would have-"

"We've been over this, there is nothing you could have done. No one blames you Chekov. Not even Spock, and he can't lie."

Pavel's bottom lip quivers as he thinks about it. He knows he can't talk about what happened without crying, McCoy knows that too. McCoy places and a hand on his back and lets him stand up, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve. "Try and get some sleep okay kid?" Pavel nods but he and the doctor both know it's not going to happen.

Classes are blissful for Pavel, he can finally take his mind off that face for more than a minute and loose himself in math equations, something he knows he can't screw up as easily. The class is freakishly empty and it makes Pavel feel a little ill looking at all the empty seats that were earlier filled with students just like him. His professor had asked him on a few occasions now if he was okay, and if he needed to take a few days off. Pavel had so far declined every offering. He needed his maths to keep him in at least some degree of sanity. He curses under his breath as he rubs out of half of the equation he has gotten wrong. His focus is nowhere near as good as it used to be. His mind just can't stay in the one place and his thoughts are cluttered. He just wants the class to end so he can go back to his room and try and sleep.

Pavel walks briskly back to his dorm, he doesn't know why but he feels like there's something he needs to avoid. As he turns a corner he realises why. Spock is standing there, talking with a general that Pavel doesn't recognise. His cheeks start burning as he makes an accidental eye contact with Spock. For a split second, he swears he can see that pain again. That same look from the transporter pad. Pavel doesn't know if he has imagined it but as soon as he sees it he flees in the opposite direction, practically running from a slightly confused Spock.

Hikaru hadn't bothered with classes that day and when Pavel bursts through the door, teary eyes and breathless, he's glad he didn't. Pavel doesn't look up, his eyes are glued to the floor as he practically throws his bag on the bed and rushes into the bathroom. Hikaru looks confused for a second as if he has imagined it but after everything that has gone on recently he's not super surprised. Everyone is a little on edge lately. Hikaru knocks gently at the door but receives no kind of reply. Pavel is gasping for air next to the toilet bowl, quite sure he's not far from being sick. He pulls his red cadet jacket off and tosses it to the floor beside him, holding his chest as it fills with air, yet remains empty.

Half an hour passes and Pavel refuses to leave the bathroom. Partially out of his continuing nausea and partially because he hates looking like an idiot in front of Sulu. On the other side of the bathroom door, Sulu is sitting down quietly, waiting for Pavel to talk to him or open the door.

"Chekov? Please talk to me, I'm not going to judge you or anything, I'm just worried."

There's still no reply.

"Please don't make me call McCoy."

The thought is enough to make Pavel open the door, almost making Sulu tip backwards. Sulu stands up quickly and searches his eyes for some kind of answer. There's nothing there.

"I just felt a little sick. I'm fine." Pavel quickly lies, trying to gently push past the tall Asian man.

Sulu puts his hand gently on his shoulder and guides him over to the couch where Pavel sits submissively. Hikaru sits down beside him.

"What happened?" Sulu asks quietly. He has been good friends with Pavel for a while now, they weren't roommates until after the drill incident, but it feels like longer than two months has passed since then.

"You remember Spock's mother?" Pavel basically whispers. Sulu nods. "I keep having nightmares about seeing Spock's face and today I saw him and-"

Pavel stops there as the tears make his throat close in and his eyes start dripping. At 17, Hikaru knows Pavel is way too young to deal with the feeling of guilt over the death of Spock's mother.

"Pavel it's not your fault you know that and-"

Sulu is cut off by Pavel bursting into tears. He starts sobbing for Spock but partially for the hatred of people constantly telling him it's not his fault. It is and he knows it, he was too slow and is maths had failed him, that's what he keep telling himself. Why was he still even at Starfleet? The same thing would inevitably happen. He wipes more tears from his eyes and lays back against the lounge, wishing he had never left Russia.

"You saved me you know," Sulu mutters quietly after Pavel has calmed down a bit. "You saved me from that drill. You caught me. Your face was the first one I saw when I realised I hadn't died."

The corners of Pavel's lips flick up a little after hearing this. He felt bad for basically pushing the ensign stationed there aside, but saving Jim Kirk and Sulu was one of the best feelings he had ever had. It didn't last long. Sulu pushes himself up off the couch and moves into the kitchen and fills a glass with water.

"You want a drink?" He calls out to Pavel.

"I'm fine, thank you," he said quietly. They both know he isn't fine.