The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
-Sylvia Plath
PROLOGUE
Would you put your soul into something you knew would end?
I already have. I already have, and now it has ended.
I always used to feel most like myself at night. It's in those twilight hours that most things are still. Breathing comes a bit slower, silence a bit faster. Not now, though. It has been another sleepless night because she is not here.
All around me the city earns its name and does not sleep. My quiet is broken by traffic sounds, the rattle of movement far below. A car backfiring makes me flinch.
I love when she comes around because she makes me better.
Life's possibilities opened up before me, before snapping shut with a cackle and a sneer.
If you had to choose, would you rather be happy or free?
I wanted to have both. It did not work out the way I planned. I chose both, and now I have nothing.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or so they say.
I have experienced more of love in the last few weeks than I ever have before, and I didn't even know it.. Maybe that is enough for me, enough for anyone. Maybe I should leave it there. Not everyone keeps their love forever.
Would you put your soul into something you knew would end?
If you had to choose, would you rather be happy or free?
Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
She is gone.
I do not have any answers.
