I dedicate this work to pepsilover138 thanks for all your lovely comments and giving me encouragement to continue writing.
John rolled on bed finding the brown eyes of his lieutenant, looking at him intently. He smiled and touches Kaidan's cheek tenderly stroking it. Unable to stop looking at him, when he woke at his side, it was like being born again. Sleep with his arms around his waist was a unique pleasure. Each day that passed John felt more need to have Kaidan near him; he felt that he couldn't longer live without him.
"Good morning, my beloved Lieutenant," John said giving him a gentle kiss on his lips
"Good morning, my dear Commander.
"You know what Kaidan, you're beautiful."
Kaidan laughed, "No more than you. Now I have to go."
John quickly climbed on top of him, "not yet you know what Kaidan those days in your apartment-"
"Our apartment our loves nest."
John brushed his lips against Kaidan's "yes, our apartment. Those days were wonderful. Kaidan I think, no, I don't think so, I am sure that I love you."
"You do my Commander?" Kaidan asks him with his voice full of emotion.
"Yes, I love you."
"I love you too."
John then kissed him hard. He hates that Kaidan had to leave in secret every morning if John is quite sure, that everyone on the ship knew of the relationship that exist between them. They were both naked from the night of passion which they had last night, so he began to stroke Kaidan's erection gently listening to him moan between his lips
"I want you," John muttered between his lips.
"You always want me, but is too late ... oh, John, Please I..." Kaidan couldn't continue because John increases the movement of his hands of his hand.
"Yes give me fifteen minutes," John said reaching for the lubricant with his other hand.
"John you don't know what is having sex in fifteen minutes means. Damnit John ... Oh, it feels so good."
"Do you want me to stop?" John asks Kaidan looking at him with lust.
"No!" Kaidan said quickly
"That's what I thought ..."
An hour later, John was laughing out loud watching his beloved dressing quickly.
"John's not funny you say fifteen minutes, and you took an hour. Everyone will see my get out of your cabin. I won't forgive myself if you lost your job as Commander, because of me."
John grabbed Kaidan's waist pulling him towards him, "I would not mind, you're worth it, plus I'm sure everybody know about us."
"How?"
"Kaidan, the walls are very thin, and," John kisses Kaidan's lips tenderly, "you're very loud."
Kaidan laughed, "Me?"
"Yes and I love it," John kissed him with more intensity
"John I want to spend the rest of my life with you." John abruptly moves away from him. "John sorry I went to fast, forget what I said-"
"No," John approached him again, "Kaidan I love you deeply, this is the first time I feel something like this, and nothing more will make my happy that join my life with your, but you know about my past criminate life, however, you come from good family-"
"Stop, I don't care about your past but your present."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"So yes, Kaidan I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I-"
John couldn't finish the sentence because the ship moved abruptly they looked at each other.
"Joker what the hell is going on?" john asks him over the comm.
"Commander we are being attacked."
"Attacked for what?"
"I don't know Commander."
"John we must put on our armor, let's go."
"Yes ..."
They quickly put on their armor and ran to the ICC, but all around them began to explode. There was fire everywhere. The ship shuddered violently and sparks flew from the panels around them.
John activated the official "We're Fucked – Abandon Ship!" siren while Kaidan continued to try in vain to put out the closest fire. "I need to you get the crew into the evac pods while I get Joker."
He didn't turn from the fire. "They're big boys and girls; they can get themselves in the pods. I'll help you with Joker, and we'll leave together."
"There will be injured – they'll need your help."
He threw the fire extinguisher to the side, finally admitting it was useless, and turned to him.
"Shepard –"
"Kaidan, go. Now."
"No,"
"Kaidan, I'm giving you an order,"
"You will not use your rank on me now; I'm more then someone in your crew. I will not leave you alone. You are the Commander go be sure everyone is out of the ship, I'll go for Joker. "
"Kaidan-"
"John, please."
"Aye, aye." He turned and disappeared into the chaos.
John ran to the evac pod, he directed his crew to them; one by one each survivor was entering the pods, until only the last stay. John tries to call Kaidan over the Comm, but got no response. He was desperate, and he was going to go to them when he saw them coming, then he felt relief.
Kaidan gave Joker to John. John helped Joker to sit down and secure the seat, then he looked at Kaidan reaching out to him, when he was about to reach Kaidan's hand the ship was attacked again.
The attacker sent a powerful beam through the ship. Kaidan was thrown backwards, spinning. He was too far from the pod; he could not seem to move into that direction. As the ship broke apart, he reached out and the eject button with his fingertip.
John look at him right through his helmet with terror in his eyes, " Kaidan no, " John shouted desperately.
"I love you John," Kaidan shouted before pressing the eject button.
"NO, Kaidan!" john cry out desperately, so strong that his throat hurt. He hit the door screaming desperately.
"Commander you need to sit."
"Kaidan no... no... God Damnit!"
Necessarily he had to sit; he could not think he could not cry he felt stifled. "Kaidan ... Kaidan, Please answer me ..." John attempts to communicate with him desperately, but only got static over the Communicator. "Kaidan ... no ..."
John didn't realize when the alliance's rescued them, not even when the pod door opened. At any time, he didn't dare to look or talk to Joker. John didn't dare to think or cry he still had his helmet on. He was in shock he still don't quite understand what had just happened, how Kaidan and he just over an hour ago were having sex loving each other, and now he's dead he is gone.
"Commander I'm sorry I-"
"Get out." John was able to say.
"Shepard-"
"Get the hell out," John shouted out. Then he stared at nothing, his mind was blank for a moment.
"I love you John..."
Those words those last words of the being he loved most in the world, don't stop ringing in his mind, he doesn't know how long he stayed there sitting staring at nothing until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Shepard."
John raised his gaze to Garrus, "what?"
"Where is Kaidan?" we ask Joker, but all he does is looked to the floor crying.
John got up from his seat and took off his helmet. "Lieutenant Alenko died in action," John said coldly.
Garrus looked at his friend in amazement realizing that he was in shock. "Shepard-"
"NO," john suddenly interrupted him. "Where is everybody? "
"They're waiting for you outside; you have more than half an hour sitting here."
John left the pod ignoring the looks of pity of everyone's; he knew that they all knew of his relationship with Kaidan. He started to take care of the survivors, as they reached the Citadel. He was acting like a robot without heart or feeling, he couldn't stop to think right now if he did, he would lose control, and he couldn't lose his cool now. He was Commander Shepard; he had lost crew previously, this wasn't something new for him, at least if he tells that to himself he could keep his sanity a little longer until he was alone then he could let out his grief in his solitude. John avoid Joker at all times, if he faces him john would kill him for not obeying his older to abandon ship.
Liara approached him, "Shepard we are reaching the Citadel."
"Thanks Liara."
"Shepard you're fine I know what Kaidan meant for you. I-"
"NO," John began to breathe hard, "not now." He quickly walked away from her.
"I love you John."
John shook his head shaking the thought from his head.
After a while they arrived at the Citadel, Anderson received them immediately. "Anderson."
"Thank God you're a live Shepard."
"Yes, sir, but we lost ... people."
"What are the losses?" Anderson noticed his stare. "Shepard!"
'"Oh, yes, sir, we lost part of the lower crew," John let out a sigh, "we lost Richard Jenkins, and" his voice grief. His eyes filled with tears he looked down at the floor then he cleared his throat, his eyes were burning with tears contained, "we lost Lt. Alenko," John said shakily.
"Oh my God, Shepard," Anderson tried to touch him.
"NO, not Anderson please, I 'm fine." he lied the trues he was about to lose control.
"Shepard, you're not."
"He... God Damnit he died in my place!" John snapped. "He didn't obey me ... Now ... I" John looked around; everyone was looking sadly at him. "Anderson I'll wait in your office we need to talk. Kaidan had family his parents oh god-"
"Son, go wait for me in the office, I'll take it from here."
John nodded words no longer came out of his mouth. After taking his armor off he headed to Anderson's office. After arriving at the office he addressed where his old man had his bottle of whiskey, because Anderson for John was like the father he never had.
John grabbed the glass, but he had to put it down his hands were shaking, he took a deep breath then after a moment he could serve himself drink. John sat in the chair with his eyes fixed on the glass; he had not realized he was crying until he saw a tear fall into the glass.
"I love you John."
"Kaidan..." John said in a whisper, "what I'll do without you. Damnit why didn't you leasing to me, why didn't you obeyed me." He angrily wiped away his tears. "I didn't want to fall in love, but I could not help it. You were wonderful to me. You were all that I needed, and now I'm empty." John closed his eyes, and all he could see was Kaidan last look of love toward him before push the eject button.
He does not know how much time passed until he felt the elevator arrived. Anderson entered the office. John got up from the chair. "Anderson I' sorry I needed a drink."
"Is okay son, how do you feel?"
"I 'm fine."
"Shepard, you're talking with me I know the relationship that existed between you and the lieutenant. Let it out."
John suddenly let out a sob, "I... I love him Anderson. I... "Anderson removes the glass from his hand then gave him a big hug, "I'm so sorry Shepard."
"It was me who had to die no Kaidan he had a family I'd only had him."
"You've got me Shepard."
John turned away from him, "we have to recover his body, his family needed -"
"Shepard look at me," he did," I don't think that will be possible, and spare me the details, you know what I mean."
John looked toward the view he knew to what Anderson was referring. Kaidan body may have fallen in thousands of places if anything could have been left of his body." I have to break the news to her parents. "
"I'll go with you."
"Thanks Anderson. What is next? "
"Now, you are going to go rest, it had been a difficult day for you."
John arrived to his apartment he headed to the kitchen then he opened fridge grabbing a beer. He left the kitchen going to the couch in the living room. He sat down for a moment looking around his empty apartment, funny; he used to like the solitude in which he was now. John enjoyed getting to his apartment, and not fined anyone to control him to tell him what to do, or how to do it.
John used to be a man who liked the bohemian life He used to have an affair here and there, but nothing serious. He used not to believe in love until he met Kaidan. He remembers with tears in his eyes the first time he saw those brown eyes looking at his own. That day John felt something that he had never felt love at first sight, yes, he fell in love with Kaidan since he first saw him.
John remembers how at first the two flirted at each other until they couldn't longer hide how they felt among themselves. Kaidan didn't want to be with him at first because he was his Commander, but gradually Kaidan was falling in his arms. Gradually Kaidan was winning his heart; he was grateful that at least he had a chance to tell Kaidan how much he loves him.
Kaidan used to take care of him; he always wondered how he was or how he felt. Kaidan forced him to rest a bit after each mission. Of those samples of affection towards him, tore down that shell with which he was covering because he knew that love gave you happiness, but also could give you pain and weakness.
John always was a strong man, but now he was a broken man Pain and weakness was what he was feeling right now. He had lost staff before, Ashley, Jenkins, but now he lost everything because Kaidan was everything to him. He closed his eyes, letting his tears run free he didn't want to go on, he knew that with Kaidan death also died all his illusions and love. For the first time he felt lost for the first time he did not know which way to go. The memories haunted him, He missed Kaidan madly. He wanted to feel Kaidan again with desperation. "Kaidan ..."
"God Damnit why is fucking hurt so much?" John shouted to the pure air. His chest it hurt, it hurt to breathe.
He finished his beer and stood to get another, but someone knocked on his door, he went to open meeting with Liara. "Liara."
"Liara."
"Shepard, how do you feeling?"
"Liara wants I want to be alone," he lied he did not want to be alone
"That isn't going to happened Shepard, "Liara said entering the apartment.
John closed the door then sat on the couch looking at the floor, "how are the others?"
"They are worried about you."
"You know Liara I was prepared for everything. Damnit I was prepared to died, but not this. It fucking hurts too much." John said covering his face with his hands.
Liara quickly sat next to him, she didn't know how to act with Shepard he was a strong man, but now he looked so helpless. "Shepard I know there no words that I can say to make you feel better. When I lost my mother you gave me your support you heard me talk about her without saying a word, and that helped me a lot because it was what I needed at that moment, someone to listen to me, so now talk to me."
"I didn't want to fall in love Liara, but it was impossible. Kaidan was wonderful with me he looked after me, and told me things straight in my face, and that made me fall in love with him even more. "
"Yes, Kaidan didn't hesitate to tell you what he thinks; many times I saw Kaidan yells at you."
John looked at her. Liara touch his face wiping his tears, "I love him Liara."
"I know Shepard, even a blind man would have noticed the love that the two shared."
"I know you all think I'm a hard man, despot, but Kaidan changed my life Liara, today we had decided to join both our lives, now ... I have no life without him."
Liara couldn't hide her tears at the sight of the man she loved shattered." Shepard, please calm down."
"Tomorrow Anderson and I have to go talk to Kaidan's parents, how I going to do this? I'll break their hearts."
"You have to have strength. Do it for him." She said trying to make him feel better, but she knew there would be nothing to give him some peace at this time. "I will miss him he was a good friend."
"He was the best," John sighed his hands would not stop shaking, and he felt a strong headache."
"Why don't you go lie down Shepard you're very cold, and your hands are shaking. I can prepare tea."
"Can you stay tonight? For the first time I have fear of being alone, fear of what I might be able to do, I'm desperate."
"Sure, let's go to the bedroom for you to lie down." John went to the bedroom lying in that bed where Kaidan, and he make love with passion many nights while Liara was in the kitchen, John kept looking their picture.
"Hey, Commander that anyone ever had told you that you are the most handsome man in the world."
"Yes Lieutenant."
"Who?"
"You, who is also the most handsome and sexy man of my world."
"You say the most beautiful things Commander."
"You are my inspiration."
"So what that we do now?"
"Well, we will share the most passionate night of our lives ..."
"I like that ..."
"I love you Kaidan, and there will be no one like you, no one can ever take the place that is yours in my heart. I would have been happy to die by your side, but fate was cruel, snatching at the only man capable of make me feels that I am someone that I'm worth. I'll never forget you, and if you can see me now, thank you for so much love, thanks for noticing this rough man, the only thing that he ever had good in his life was you. I love you my love. "
