I wanted…peace. Not closure, exactly. I hoped that this move would bring me the peace I needed to restart, to move past my old bullies and my old attempts. I swore up and down that I was ready, that I could go back to normal school. Even if I was wrong- which I can't bring myself to believe- I won't regret it. Emily, Ravi, Jack: they were worth it. Because that last time, that final time when I thought I was really going to do it, they were there. They will always be dear to me because of this.

"Aisling, are you ready, yet?" my mother called to me. Of course I wasn't ready. Why else wouldn't I be downstairs? I'd be damned if I ever said this to my mom, though, so I dragged my brush through my hair one last time and checked myself over. I had on a black shirt with a Red Hot Chili Peppers logo on it and some cool red and black striped fingerless arm gloves. My pants were black skinnies with some slashes I made myself. I wore my hair long with thick, side-swept bangs and this month, I had black hair with purple bangs. My hair was permanently dyed black, but the purple- and every other color I did- was only temporary; it would fade out completely by the end of the month, leaving my bangs platinum blonde and free to be dyed again. I slipped on my boots, made sure my black eyeliner hadn't smudged and that my nude lipstick was perfect, and left my room.

"Finally! You'll be late if we wait much longer," my mother said, handing me toast. I regarded it warily.

My mother gave me a look. "Oh, no, missy. You are not starting this this morning. You're eating this morning and that's that." With that said, she left, intending for me to follow. I bit my lip then bit into my toast, almost wanting to cry at how good food tasted. The butter was melted and the toast wasn't burned- just the way I loved it. Grateful for my mother, I grabbed my backpack and lunchbox and headed for the car. Mom was pleased at seeing me eat again. I was more or less still wary of it, but I would tolerate for then.

"Maybe I'll actually gain weight," I joked and made my mom laugh. From what I checked that morning, I weighed 107 lbs, which shouldn't have worried me at all but it did. I was really conflicted about my weight. For the first time in almost a year I couldn't see my ribs anymore and my workout routines had made me a bit stronger since I started them a couple months ago. My mother even remarked to me a couple days ago when we moved here that I started smiling more. Maybe things would be better here.

By the time we got to the new high school, I could feel the butterflies having a block party in my stomach. I was so nervous, I almost didn't get out of the car. When my mom saw my face, she pulled me in for as good a hug one can give when awkwardly leaning over a console. Sometimes, I was really glad to have a mom like her.

"Thanks, Mom," I whispered.

"No problem, Hun," she said back, "Now go get 'em. I'll be late picking you up, today. See if you can catch a ride with someone who lives nearby. Make friends! Invite them over! Just don't burn the house down." My mom and I laughed together. It was nice to laugh with her.

"If I find someone willing to come home with me, I promise that we won't burn the house down," I said and got out the car.

"Good luck, sweetie!"

"Bye, Mom!" I shut the door and she waved before driving off. I watched her go with a smile, but as I looked to my new school building, my smile faded. I looked at the ground as I walked toward the building and tried to keep out of other people's way. Nothing to see here, just a new kid looking for the office, I thought to myself as I swerved and avoided going within two feet of other people.

I figured out pretty quickly that I had no idea where I was going. New kids tended to be like that. Five minutes and a bell ringing later, I had to ask someone for help or else keep wandering like a dumb ass. I chose a girl with dark hair and dark clothing. She seemed cool.

"Hi," I said quietly, once I had reached her, "Do- do you know where the office is?" It shouldn't have surprised me that she didn't notice me. I was too quiet and the hallway was too loud. I tugged a bit on her jacket sleeve and she whipped around to see who I was. I shied away for a moment and thought about asking someone else, but she stopped me.

"Hey, sorry," she said quickly, "You just scared me a bit." She took something out of her locker and put it in her bag. "What did you want?"

"I, um," I said quietly.

"I'm sorry? Speak up," she said.

"I can't find the office," I said as loud as I dared (which was as loud as normal people talked), "Could you please help me?"

"Oh! Sure! You're new, yeah?" she said and started walking. I followed her, staying just a little behind her.

"Yeah, I am, just moved to town," I said, trying to make it through the hallway with as little physical contact with other people as possible.

"Why'd you want to move to a town like this?" she scoffed.

"Well, um…it sort of seemed nice and out of the way of big cities so my mom and I thought it would be a good place to move to," I said shyly, just loud enough for her to hear.

"Eh…it is out of the way of big cities, that's for sure. As far as nice goes…well, you kind of screwed up there." When she said this, I felt my heart start beating kind of fast and knew that if we kept talking about this, the possibility of a panic attack would be very real.

"So, what's your name?" I asked to change the subject.

"Oh- Emily. You?"

"Aisling," I said and waited for the reply I always got.

"Ashley?" she asked, to make sure.

"No, Aisling. It's pronounced like 'ash-ling.' It's weird. Blame the Irish," I said, almost mechanically.

"No, its cool. Not something you hear every day," Emily said with a smile. I smiled, too. I felt really happy, actually, that she liked it. There once was this girl at my old school that called me Ashley just to annoy me. She called me a lot of other things, too, but I didn't like to think about that.

"We're here," Emily said nonchalantly, "Want me to go in with you?"

Normally, I would've said no. I didn't like feeling dependent on other people. There was something about Emily, though; I just didn't want her to leave me. "Yes- if you don't mind, of course," I replied. She nodded and held open the door for me. I thanked her with an awkward smile.

Someone in the front office took notice of us, the secretary-type person, I learned later. "Oh, hello, sweetie, are you the new girl? Ashley, isn't it?"

I cringed at being called Ashley, but smiled to hide my annoyance and anxiety. "Aisling, actually," I said, pronouncing everything clearly so there would be no mistake, "But, yes, I'm new here."

"Well, sugar, I've got your schedule right here and some flyers for the clubs here and some events we've got. Emily here can help you find your class. Here's a note, in case you two are late. Bye-bye, now!" she said and waved her French-tipped nails at us before getting back to work. I don't like how easy it is to wave us off.

We left the office and Emily discovered that we had the same schedule. "Oh, cool," I said, which didn't nearly encompass the excitement I felt. We left together for our first class. It was the first day. I made a friend. Life was good.