A/N: Yo, yo. I've been bored and also majorly dissappointed by the lack of Buddyshipping fics... Actually, the lack of 'Dan Vs.' Fanfiction, in general. Sorry if this sucks and everyone is majorly out of character but I'll try my best. Throughout this, there's definitely going to be some explicit gay sex, masturbation and some swearing, I guess. And the shitty program I have to write this with has no spellcheck and I have like one friend, and she would feel very uncomfortable beta-ing this.. so sorry, but there may be a few spelling and grammatical errors. I'll try to keep them minimal though.
Chris' POV:
Every night, I go to sleep thinking, 'I'll do it tomorrow.' I wake up thinking 'Okay, I have to do it today'. But I never do. I don't know why. Am I afraid of something? Afraid of being alone? Afraid of hurting her? Whatever it is, it's not worth it. I can't live like this anymore. I've never ever cheated on her; that's an awful thing to do. But you could say that I've been emotionally cheating on her and it's driving me mad. I love her but I'm not in love with her.. Because.. I'm in love with Dan.
He's so cute.. such a perfectionist.. so obsessive and meticulous about everything. He really doesn't care what anyone else thinks of him. He lives to please himself, not others. More people should be like that. Dan is his own person. I don't know anyone else who would go to the extreme lengths that he does for revenge, usually over ordeals that would seem silly to most people. He comes off as being an angry, pessimistic jerk if you don't know him well enough.. but it's not that he's always angry.
The thing is; he's a dreamer. He knows he needs to act upon things with all of his strength if he wants them to change. His emotions are all very exaggerated because he feels strongly about the things he cares about. Whether it be anger, hatred, confusion, jealousy... or even ..love, he expresses his feelings with emphasis and passion. Don't get me wrong, I have no idea how he feels about me. I meant love as in platonic-friendly- love. Sure, he can be very demanding and often take advantage of me, but there have been times where he has shown that he really does care about me. He just shows it in a different way that I sometimes don't understand. He also seems to really care about Mr. Mumbles. Who would've guessed that he has a soft spot for cats?
And his body, don't even get me started. He's so small and adorable, but he knows how to take charge and doesn't let his small stature drag him down. Dan's facial expressions are always really cute too.. even when he's angry. I can only imagine how unbelievably sexy he looks when he comes.. I bet he'd be really embarassed and innocent during sex.. And when he sleeps and looks so peaceful and pure.. I yearn to just.. kiss him all over, or snuggle up to his back and wrap my arms around him. He's really soft and chubby and I love it... I'll bet he feels nice and squishy and would be amazing to cuddle with.. I just want to lay down and rest my head on his lap.. or have him put his arm around me.. or hug me or.. basically, have him show affection towards me in any way.. Sigh.. I'm so fucking desperate, it's disgusting.
I feel bad thinking about things like this because not only is it not fair to Elise, but it's not fair to Dan. I feel dirty, knowing that he's completely oblivious to the fact that I think of him in such a way. And it's strange.. because I've never really thought of her like that. She's nice, she's pretty, she's unique.. I bet there are tons of guys who would line up to be in my position but I'm not one of them. We're just not compatible. We keep secrets from one another, I run off with Dan every time I have the chance, we have absolutely NO common interests, I hate her family, she tries to control me constantly, she wants me to change who I am... Our marriage is slowly deteriorating day by day and I've had enough. We started dating because my parents were concerned about the amount of time I spend with Dan. They figured it was time I grew up, settled down with a girl and had kids. I wanted to please them so I figured that my attraction to Dan would just fade away like a silly crush and tried to move on.. It's not like he'd ever love me back, anyway. But, the more time I spend away from him, the more I long to be with him. No matter how hard I try, Elise and I are never going to work out. Today is the day I'm going to finally leave her.
I dragged myself out of bed and took a shower, trying to think of how I was going to do this.. After getting dressed and taking a few deep breaths, I went into the kitchen. It was a weekend, so Elise was on the couch, casually watching television. Things had been rough between us for a while.. we didn't really ever smile when greeting or kiss eachother on the cheek or anything. She looked up at me, her facial expression saying, 'what is it?' One thing I can give her credit for is that she knows when I'm thinking about something.
"We need to talk," I said in a stern, serious voice, even though I probably sounded extremely nervous.
She sighed, "Yes, Chris. We do."
It wasn't surprising that she knew we weren't working out.. however, her completely worn out sounding attitude on the subject did catch me off guard. "Yeah, um.. Listen Elise", I started, "You're great and everything, you're beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, funny, but we both know that we're just not right for each other. It's not right for you to throw your life away with someone like me who will never be able to give you what you need. Our lives are just so different and you deserve better than me... I want a divorce." My mouth felt dry. I couldn't believe I was actually saying this. Of course, I don't regret it. At all. But it's strange that me, timid, pushover Chris would be the one to initiate such a proposition.
She didn't seem surprised at all, instead replying in a distant, sad voice, "Don't be so hard on yourself, we're just not the right people for each other. If it's not awkward, I hope we can still be friends.. I really do care for you Chris, just not in that way. Not anymore."
Not anymore? I wondered when it was that her feelings for me faded and I suddenly felt guilty. There was really a time where she was in love with me and I took advantage of that, using her as an object, a tool to please my parents. I swallowed the lump in my throat, "Yeah, staying friends would be great." I cleared my throat, wondering what else I could say. The air was thick and I was sweating profusely. Man, this was awkward. "Uh.."
I was cut off by Elise, "Tell me one thing, Chris," pausing momentarily, then continuing with her question, "Did you cheat on me?"
My eyes widened, "What kind of a question is that?! I-" I was cut off by Elise.
Her voice was louder and more stern this time as she repeated herself, "Just answer the damn question, Chris. Did you ever cheat on me?"
"No. Never," I assured her. She nodded, seeming to believe me. I wondered what it was that had caused her to suspect me of doing such a thing. After a moment of avoiding eye contact and biting my lip in silence, I spoke, "So.. what now?"
Elise blatantly and with little emotion said, "Well other than financially, there's nothing else to be said. I suppose we meet up in a week or so to discuss that.. I assume you'll be staying with Dan? So I'll stay here until we sell the place and arrange future plans."
What she said about Dan really freaked me out. Was there any way she knew about how I felt towards him? "Wait.. why do you assume I'll be at Dan's?"
"He's your best friend, isn't he? And you've stayed over there before, he doesn't seem to mind. Unless you want to share a house with your soon to be ex-wife for the next little bit. I just thought that would be a bit weird is all." Elise explained. Now I felt like an idiot for overanalyzing it..
"Oh, okay. Yeah, I suppose that's what I'll do." I started, "Um well, I guess I'll pack a suitcase for the next little bit, you know, my clothes and stuff.." She nodded, and I went off to pack.
I got out of the car when I arrived at Dan's apartment. I came to the door and knocked, still having no idea what I planned on saying. But come on, it's Dan. I can talk to him about anything, no problem. Not to mention, he'll probably be overjoyed that I left her. He's always hated her getting in the way of our friendship. Finally, he answered the door, "Chris?"
"Yeah, hey Dan.. Can I come in?" He opened the door, letting me in, then closed it after me. We went and sat down on the couch. "So.. I uh.. I left Elise." I saw his face light up.
"Really?! Good for you, buddy. I see you finally took my advice," He patted me on the back, beaming.
"Yeah, something like that.. Anyway, I need a place to live while we're seperated and before we totally figure out how we're splitting everything up.." My voice trails off.
"Are you saying that you want to stay here?" He asks, confirming what I meant.
I nod, "Is that alright?"
"Sure, it'll be just like old times! Like a sleepover! You and me, no Elise to bother us!" Dan grins.
"Alright, my stuff is in the car. I'll just go get it right now, okay?"
When I return with my suitcase, Dan is throwing another one of his fits. "You already packed a full-on suitcase?! What makes you think I would have unquestionably let you stay here?! What if I had said no?!"
"You wouldn't have," I said. That was the blatant truth. There was no way Dan would pass up an opportunity to have me here for him constantly. It would be far more convenient than him having to call me at various times of day to help him with his schemes.
He glares at me, "Shut up." I smirked. He knew I was right. I dragged my suitcase into his room, not really knowing where else to put it.
My stomach grumbled, "Hey Dan? I'm hungry. Want to go to Burgerphile?"
"Fine but you're paying," Dan said. I sighed, with a smirk. It was as if nothing had changed. I could always rely on Dan to cheer me up, even if he wasn't doing anything particularily nice.
Dan sat next to me in the front seat and we drove in silence for a bit. Suddenly, he spoke, "So, why did you leave her? Whenever I told you marriage is a scam, you dismissed it and claimed that you were 'happy together' and all that nonsense."
I sighed. I knew he'd bring it up eventually. Although I couldn't tell him the full story, I could at least give him the reasons I gave Elise. They were all valid reasons too, it's not like I was lying to him. I explained, "We just didn't have anything in common. She was always trying to control my life. And to be honest, I never was really ..in love with her. I just got married because that's what society and my parents told me was the right thing to do. But when she started talking about having kids and all kinds of crazy things like that, I knew it'd be better to quit while I'm ahead. No way I'll ever be ready for that."
"Well it sure took you long enough. Why didn't you ever mention any of this to me?" Dan questioned.
I shrugged, "I guess I just... thought I could handle it on my own. And you'd probably just tell me the usual, that I should leave her."
Dan flashed a smug grin, "Well I was right, wasn't I? You should've listened to me earlier."
He was starting to be a bit annoying. "Well," I explained, "It's not that I didn't want to listen to you, I just didn't know how to go about-"
"Shut up," Dan commands, "I was right, admit it."
"You were right," I sigh, not wanting him to go off on another of his rants. It was easier this way and what did I really have to lose? My pride? He'd taken that from me long ago. I was just 'the sidekick'. Now that I really think about it, being closer friends with Dan is great, I'm really happy about that.. But, I'm just a .. minion to him. Even calling us 'friends' is pushing it a bit. I doubt he cares about me at all, let alone loves me! My optimism from earlier had plummetted when I was slapped with the reality of the situation. Is he even interested in guys? He's said a few things that could be possible indications of that but you never know with Dan. And there's no way I could bring something like that up subtly. What would he think if he found out I'm interested in him? I may as well throw any hopes of a romantic relationship with him away. But one thing I can say indisputably is that we are going to become closer, living together for the next while and everything. Even if we just know eachother better as friends, that's great. Friendship isn't just some shitty cancellation prize. I'm really happy just to spend time with him. I need to stop overthinking everything..
We arrived at Burgerphile, and decided to go in and eat. We weren't in any hurry. I didn't have to be home for Elise or anything, which was awesome.. though I felt a bit guilty for moving on so quickly. I wondered how Elise was doing, if she was taking it as well as I was. We both knew it was coming, so emotionally, we had both prepared ourselves for it. It still felt wrong though. There had been no tears, no long conversation about it, no fighting. We just kind of ..calmly and quietly agreed on a divorce, no questions asked? I can't say I didn't expect it, but this all seemed like a bizarre dream.
When it was our turn to order, Dan gave the teen at the counter his usual speech, "I'll have a plain burger, without cheese. Got that? WITHOUT. CHEESE. I am lactose intolerant. If you give me a burger with cheese on it, I will die. And then I will come back and haunt you, do you understand me?!" Dan received a nod, indicating that they would be sure to get his order right. He could be quite scary when he's angry. I ordered next, and we sat down at a booth, across from each other. I finished eating before Dan, despite ordering far more food than he did. Ever since the deep-fried bacon speed-eating contest, it's become even more of a habit than before to eat quickly. Once Dan was done, I decided to initiate conversation.
"So, Dan. Anything exciting happening lately? Any plans for revenge?"
Dan replied instantly, "No.. I'm actually becoming quite suspicious though. Someone must be planning something big against me." He then sighed and added, under his breath, "Whenever I'm actually happy, something always has to go horribly wrong and fuck it up."
"What was the last part?" I asked, not hearing all of what he had said.
Dan looked surprised for a split second, presumably not aware that he had spoken out loud. He then glared and muttered, "What? Nothing, I didn't say anything." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Shut up," he added, noticing the fact that I knew he was lying and was mildly curious as to what he had meant.
He changed the subject soon after, complaining about various minor inconveniences. I listened, nodding every once in a while, but primarily, just hearing the sound of his voice and admiring him. I loved hearing him talk. Nothing but me and his honest opinions. Whenever he went off on rants like this, I felt as if I were speaking to his soul..
After a while, Dan alerted me that some show he liked would be playing on his television soon so we'd better leave if we wanted to catch the beginning of it.
After watching several episodes of several obscure shows that Dan seemed to be interested in had finished, and I had attempted to find edible food within his fridge containing nothing but expired lunchmeat (which I still ate), I decided to go to bed.
"So.. where do you want me to sleep?" I asked.
Dan shrugged, "Just because you're my guest doesn't mean you're getting my bed. The couch is there, the floor is there. Take your pick. I'll be in my bed." I nodded, choosing the couch. I put on my onesie pajamas from the suitcase and fell sound asleep on his couch. It had been a long day, even compared to my usual days, going along with Dan on his quests for revenge. Though I have to say, I drastically prefer the fun, eventful days causing ruckus with Dan to days like this, hands down.
Dan's POV:
I stripped down to my boxers and got into bed. Chris being here was strange. Not bad, necessarily. But weird, nonetheless. He was usually constantly concerned about 'getting home to Elise' or 'not staying out too late' or 'not doing anything dangerous'. I chuckled maniacally. He was all mine now, free to help me wreak havoc whenever I needed him to, and with no strings attached! I could already tell that this was going to be great.
Long term, though, having him sleep on the couch every night would be a bit uncomfortable.. I suppose my bed would be large enough for us to share... but that would be weird, right? He'd catch on that I'm interested in him if I ever acted so unusually nice like that. And there's absolutely no way in Hell that he likes me. He's technically still married, for Christ's sake. Plus, I'm a guy. He's straight as a board. Why would I ruin our friendship, as sick, twisted and unconventional as it is, for a hopeless pursuit of romance? I sighed into my pillow, wondering why I'm such a pathetic, lovesick jerk, as I allowed sleep to claim me.
