What have I done?
Summary: Linka has broken up with Greg after realising she made a mistake and has to deal with the consequences to her relationship with Wheeler.
A/N: I was always bothered by Linka's apparent change of heart and you guys have inspired me to try to explain it. I've never written a fic like this before, so please let me know what you think. Oh and please forgive the license I took with Wheelers first name, I just wanted Linka to have something to call him in private.
I don't own any of this, I'm just borrowing it and will make no money whatsoever.
Chapter One
"Here it is." Linka said quietly to herself as she uncovered the journal Nonna had given her when she first joined the Planeteers. Her Grandmother had suggested that she record all of her unique experiences so that she would have a permanent record, but there had never seemed to be any time, and it had remained empty. Until now that is. Linka had finally found a use for it.
Sitting at her desk and opening the journal at the first page, ready to begin writing, she hesitated. She knew what she wanted to do and yet writing it down would make it so… final? Hearing her friends laughter down at the waters edge, she put down her pen, and leaving the blank journal open at the first page, the young Russian left her bedroom and walked to the end of the line of huts so that she could observe them. They were all splashing about happily, Wheeler was in the midst of things a usual, making Gi squeal as he soaked her, and Linka couldn't help but smile, though it didn't reach her eyes.
Come join us my friend. Ma-ti waved, having spotted her, his ring glowing as he touched her mind.
The blond Planeteer smiled again and waved back, answering his silent request, Not at the moment, I have something to do first. Thank you anyway.
She did her best to hide her mood from her friend and in fact, succeeded quite easily. Hiding her feelings was something that she had always been good at. Turning back towards her room she wiped away the single tear that had escaped her brimming eyes.
The journals blank page seemed intimidating somehow, and it was some minutes before she began to fill it.
Dear Matthew,
I doubt that I will ever have the courage to let you see what is written here, but I write to you like this because I no longer have anyone to talk with when my heart is heavy. I know I have destroyed the closeness that once existed between us, and that I do not have the right to claim it back. There is no-one whose companionship could mean more, no-one who has ever understood me better and now, no-one whose friendship I deserve less.
You were all so kind and understanding when I told you and the others that Greg and I had broken up, just over a month ago now. You are still being kind today, all of you making allowances for my increasing unhappiness, if only you knew the real reason for my growing despair! Would you pity me? That would be worse, I think I would prefer it if you hated me.
I tried to talk to you that night, when I returned home with the news that I would no longer be seeing him. I tried to tell you the truth but you didn't want to know, not because you didn't care, I know that. It was because you no longer wanted to care, that you turned me away, because you had accepted in your heart that I do not love you.
She paused, thinking back to their conversation.
"Matthew, can I talk to you?" she caught him up as he headed out along the beach, a little while after her announcement. "It is about my relationship with Greg, I…"
He hadn't let her get any further, turning to face her quickly and blurting out, "Lin, can we not do this please!" Then seeing the hurt look on her face, Wheeler shook his head. "Look I'm sorry okay, I just…" He closed his eyes and took a breath, "I'll always be your friend Linka, you can come to me with anything and I'll always do everything I can to help you."
He opened his eyes and looked sincerely into hers. "It was obvious from the start how much you liked him, it took me a little while to accept it, but I did. I'm sorry things didn't work out, I wish I could help, I want you to be happy but… you're gonna have to talk to Gi about this one." He swallowed hard. Looking away again he said, "Just this one thing, okay? Please?"
She nodded in a daze, her mind screaming that she should say something, stop him, make him listen. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest and she was unable to breathe, understanding for the first time, just how much she had hurt him. Realizing he couldn't see her gesture, she forced herself to speak, surprising herself by sounding so calm when she wanted nothing more than for the Earth to swallow her up. "Of course Matthew, I do understand. I- I wont mention it to you again."
"Thanks." And without turning around again, he had walked away.
She hadn't been able to talk to him about anything since. Biting her lip and fighting back the tears, Linka continued her journal entry.
I shall never forget what you said to me that night, and strangely enough I think it was the use of my correct name that unnerved me more than anything else. You usually only call me Linka when you are mad at me, and you weren't mad, you were unhappy. I have gotten used to it now, it was only the first little thing that changed, the first of many. I don't think the others have noticed the changes between us, so small as they are. A neglected hug here, a lost opportunity for privacy there, but I notice every one. You treat me as a sister now, like Gi, and no-one blames you or tells you that you are wrong, least of all me. I wont hurt you again.
You will get over your feelings for me in time of course, and no-one will ever know that I have been in love with you from the day we met, even if I chose not to believe it myself then, because it scared me so. No one that is, except Greg, who broke up with me because I could not bring myself to kiss him, because I could not stop thinking of you.
Again Linka's thoughts drifted back to re-examine the past…
"Linka, why wont you kiss me? Don't you trust me?" Greg demanded, but she didn't answer. "Do you think I'm being unreasonable? We've been going out for almost a month now, and it's not like I asked you to… er…you know. It's just a kiss!"
Finally looking up to meet her boyfriends eyes, Linka had replied. "I'm sorry Greg. I am. I thought I would be able to, once we had gotten to know each other better but…" Glancing away again, she took a deep breath. "I really enjoy the time we spend together but I guess I just don't want that kind of a relationship. I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything for a minute and then his voice was quiet. "It's Wheeler isn't it? Even when he's not with us, he is!"
She started to deny it but he interrupted, "Oh come on Linka, do you know how many times you mention him? Wheeler said this, Wheeler did that! If I hadn't liked you so much I would have given up in the first week but I kept hoping you would find you liked me better." He looked at her, holding her eyes with his own. "But you don't do you? I am right aren't I?"
"Da." Her eyes filled with tears, she was amazed at her own blindness and felt truly ashamed.
What had made it worse was that Greg had been really nice about it, encouraging her to tell the Yankee how she felt. He liked her too well to carry on spending time with her, knowing she wanted to be with someone else, though he said he still considered her a friend and wished her well. They'd had fun together but it was over. As the memory faded, Linka continued her writing.
You were right I did like him, just not the way you thought I did. I didn't mean to hurt him either, I guess I'm really not good at this, but it doesn't matter, there will be no-one else.
I still haven't really explained have I? I shall try to do so now, it is not easy for me.
I was fifteen when I met you. I'd never felt the least attraction to any of the local boys, and besides, my school work was so much more important to me. They all thought me strange, cold, and it became a game with them to try to get my attention. I didn't care though, I was genuinely not interested in any of them. Do you, can you understand then, just how much of a shock you were to me? I had begun to believe them all you see, that there was something wrong with me, that I didn't have normal feelings or desires. (Crushes on film stars don't count after all.)
You frightened me. For the first time in my life I was feeling a physical attraction beyond anything I believed possible, and for someone whose level of experience was… well, obviously considerably more than my own. I had no way of dealing with it, so I didn't. Instead I pushed you away and tried to convince myself that you just wanted the same kind of shallow, easy, comfortable relationship with me, that you had always enjoyed back in America. It was easy enough, you always made light of everything, you still do. Even after I had gotten to know you, to know there is so much more to you than you let other people see, I still could not let myself admit that my own feelings for you were no longer purely a ridiculous physical attraction.
Then I left you to return home and look after Nonna, and you came after me, to look after and protect me and with one brief kiss, I shattered my illusions. But the fear was still there. My love for you was still more than I could cope with. You were still the one with all the experience and confidence and I knew that if I let something happen between us I would be at your mercy, it was always going to be all or nothing between us and I wasn't ready for all. When you add to that the fact that if things didn't work out between us, we would face betraying our calling or being forever tortured by each others presence... I guess I'm a coward too.
Thinking back on it now I realise that the only difference it would have made for me, is that I might have had something to look back on and hold on to, even if we were only happy together for a brief time. At the time though, all I wanted was to have one normal relationship, with no pressure, no expectations and no future. Yes I was using him, I don't think I realised that at the time, but I was. It was supposed to be fun, instead I ruined everything.
Linka paused in her writing to brush away the tears she could no longer hold back. "I've ruined everything." she whispered, before resting her head in her hands and giving way to her feelings for once. When her emotions had subsided, the Russian girl felt empty, and chilled. Picking up her pen again, she finished her letter.
I cannot ask for your forgiveness and I do not know how to convince you that this is the truth, so I will just wish for you to find happiness.
My love always
Lin
Each day after that, Linka wrote a letter in her journal, addressing and signing it the same way. She never mentioned any of this again, just writing about the things that had happened that day, like a normal diary. The things she would once have discussed with Wheeler. All the time she was growing more and more distant from the others, and more and more unhappy...
