I don't own Monk or any of the orginal characters


Many people say to themselves "if only I hadn't done (x)". Many people wonder if they had made the right decisions. It's hard for people to know what the right answers are and what the right answers are not.

For Adrian and his wife times were good. They had the perfect relationship. They never fought. He never got mad or acted in a negative way. Oh sure there were times when they would have a difference of opinion… but instead of fighting the two of them would sit down and talk it out.

Adrian always said Trudy saw things in a way nobody else, including him could see. She was always seeing the good in people. She was always looking for the way to make everything right. That was one thing he loved about her. That was one of MANY things he loved about her. In his mind nothing would ever go wrong.

Nobody ever thinks things will go wrong. Most people don't ever expect that. They think their perfect life will continue, not come tumbling down. He never doubted himself. He never doubted her. There were times she made mistakes. He was fine with that. The only rule he had was "be honest about it when you make a mistake."

"There's no shame in making mistakes Trudy," he told her one time, "everyone does."

"Just remember that with yourself Adrian my darling. You are way too hard on yourself"

Change was not easy for him. Routine was comforting. Even the nightly routine… they had their own version of it… he found it comforting. Whenever she would mention anything about changes or steps or anything like that he would point out that the challenges are very challenging.

"Well duh," she said laughing once, "that's kind of why they call them challenges Adrian"

He would laugh too and the eyes she gave him were impossible to resist.

"Forget the challenges," he said kissing her, "you're always a winner in my eyes"

"You always know the right things to say," she told him

"That's because I have you"

Their perfect life ended a week before her party. It wasn't a fight. He wished it was. It wasn't him getting tough on her. He wished it was. It wasn't things being out of order. He wished it was. No. It was something a lot worse. It was something a lot more cynical.

Their love was still as strong as ever. That would never change.

"Adrian," she told him, "I have to go to my volunteer job at the orphanage"

"How are you enjoying it," he asked her.

"I love it"

Her eyes were shinning.

"I knew you would," he said,

"They brought in the most beautiful baby yesterday. Her name is Jakayla. She's 2 days old"

"Trudy let me tell you something," he said in a firm tone then his voice went soft, "if we adopt her, her name isn't going to be Jakayla. That's a GOD-AWFUL name"

Trudy squealed in excitement.

"Really," she said, "you mean that?"

"That Jakayla's a GOD-AWFUL name… yes I meant every word of it"

She lightly punched him on the arm

"No Adrian I mean about adopting Jakayla"

"Yes," he told her kissing her, "of course I mean it"

"You are the most amazing and most brilliant person the world has ever known"

"No I'm not," he told her, "I don't hold a candle to you"

"Adrian that's silly. You're a lot smarter then me."

"That will be the day," he told her.

She left at 5 o'clock. The position was from 5:30 to 9:30. At around 6 o'clock Leland called.

"Hello?"

"Hey Monk… how's Trudy enjoying the orphanage"

"Oh she loves it," he told Leland

"Is she still getting emotional?"

"Yeah… she gets that way every now and then so I just have to slow down until she calms down and then things go back to the way they always are"

"You are an amazing man," Leland told his friend, "the way you put her comforts and wants above your own."

"Leland she's my wife. She's my world. I love her"

"I know," Leland said, "but still you must be going crazy?"

"Not at all," he said, "So how are things with you?"

Leland and Monk talked for about 45 minutes and then said goodbye.

"We'll talk later"

"Of course we will"

10 o'clock came and Trudy still wasn't home. Adrian was starting to get worried. He knew though that sometimes she would stop off at the local pizza café to catch a quick bite or something. But this was already ½ an hour and he had a very uneasy feeling. Just as he picked up the phone to call Leland, his phone rang.

"Leland I'm glad you called-"

"Monk you need to get down to San Francisco General RIGHT NOW"

"Leland I told you I-"

"It's not a case. It's Trudy. Something happened"

"Oh my GOD—please tell me she's okay"

"If I did Monk I would be lying."

"Is she alive?"

"Yes. Get down here Monk. I'll explain the whole situation"

Monk arrived at SFG within 15 minutes.

"Leland… what happened?"

"Sit down Monk," Leland Stottlemyer said gently putting his hand on his friend's shoulder

"Where's Trudy?"

He shook his head.

"Sit down"

"I want to see Trudy," he said

"You will," Leland promised him, "but you need to know what happened. Monk… Trudy took a shortcut to get to the car today"

"Okay," he said, "that doesn't explain why she's IN THE HOSPITAL"

"She had to cut through an ally-way. There was a man hiding in the shadows. Monk she was raped"

It was as if someone pressed the pause button and all the air went out of his lungs.

"No! No… that can't be"

"Monk I'm sorry"

"Sorry! You're SORRY. GOD that word sounds shallow. My wife is lying in the hospital, someone- no not SOMEONE, A DISGRACE TO THE HUMAN RACE took my wife and violated her. He treated her like a toy that he could just do whatever he wants with. Never mind what he's going to put everyone else through or that he destroyed things for the most perfect person ever."

Filled with rage he picked up a chair and flung it across the room. Then, being who he was he went and picked it up

Leland waited until he calmed down to continue

"Trudy is awake… but she's on morphine right now. She is also extremely shaken up and terrified. She may at times react in a strong emotional outburst. She's in extreme pain. The perpetrator not only raped her, he also beat her for trying to fight him off.

"Where is the perpetrator?"

"Monk we don't know," Leland said, "he escaped before we could catch him"

"Just wait," Monk yelled, "just wait till I get my hands on him. He will be toast. He will wish he was dead"

Leland sighed.

"I feel the same way," he said, "Monk you're going to have to be very patient with Trudy. She may find the idea of s e x quite frightening after what she's been through"

"Might?"

"Probably will"

"If she wasn't were she was none of this would have happened," he said

"You don't know that," Leland replied, "look I can't pretend everything is going to be okay"

"Yeah no kidding"

"I also can't pretend that what happened was right. It was wrong from the start but right now is not the time to focus on coulda shoulda woulda. As the Chinese proverb goes "there's no such thing as coulda shoulda and woulda if you coulda and you shoulda you woulda"

"Leland you're like a brother to me," Monk said, "I love you but right now I don't need a lecture or Chinese proverbs or justification. I need to see my wife. I'm freaking out here"

"Right now they're completing a rape kit. They are doing some blood tests to see that she isn't sick or pregnant and they're interviewing her to find out what if anything she remembers. You can come in after that"

"They're questioning her RIGHT AFTER this happened? What the hell kinds of bastards does that"

"Listen Monk I understand you're upset. I'm upset too"

"Upset? No, I'm not upset. I'm petrified, irritated and so upset I feel like any minute now I'm going to burst into tears"

"I understand"

"Oh you understand? Is it Karen who's lying in that hospital bed after being violated by some GOD DAMN SON OF A BITCH?"

"No and I can't say I would want to trade places with you"

"If you said that," Monk said, "I would say you're either a liar or crazy"

The doctor came in.

"Is the victim's husband here?"

"The 'victim' has a name," Monk said.

The doctor smiled sympathetically

"You must be her husband"

"Yes ma'am. My name is Adrian Monk now can I please see my wife"

"Of course. I am so sorry about what happened. You must be-"

"Listen Doctor Celter," he said reading her name tag, "I really appreciate it and I know you mean well… but I need to see her."

The doctor smiled sadly at him.

"Of course," she said, "right this way"

Adrian felt like every second was an hour every minute was a year. He could not believe this was happening. It wasn't fair. He was angry about the whole situation. He was angry with everyone that caused this situation to happen. Why should his beloved and cherished wife have to go through something like this?

He wished he had been there. He wished he could have stopped it from happening or taken her place. Oh he knew it would be messy, but he didn't care. He didn't want her suffering for even a second. He knew the physical and emotional recovery would take a very long time. The consequences of this incident were astronomical. She would probably be more scared then ever now too.

When he went in, she was lying on the hospital bed, tears pouring down her face. She looked so… small. She looked so helpless and alone. She looked up when she heard him come in and managed a weak smile for his sake.

"I am so sorry," he said, "I should have been there"

"Adrian this is in no way your fault," she told him, "thank GOD you're here"

He saw an empty space in the bed. He carefully climbed into the bed next to her and put his arm around her protectively, as if blocking out, or trying to block out anything that would ever cause her any more negative feelings or experiences.

He was careful when he touched her. She was bruised and welted everywhere.

"Oh GOD," she said, "I must look awful"

"Not to me," he told her, "You could never look awful to me. To me you're as beautiful as the day I laid eyes on you."

He carefully caressed her forehead causing her to wince.

"Still hurts," he asked her.

"He got me from everywhere," she said weakly, "I don't think there's any part of me that DOESN'T hurt"

Damn that man! How could that man do something like this to such a beautiful angel? Damn his iniquities. Just—DAMN!

There were no words to be spoken, no words that would be right anyway. The silence lasted a long time. Finally a therapist came in

"Hello dear," she said to Trudy in a gentle voice, "my name is Anne and I'm here to help get you through this"

"How are you going to do that," Adrian asked

"And you are?"

"Asking you a question," he came back in his snappy way, "she's just been through HELL. How are you going to help get her through this"

"Are you related to the victim," the therapist asked

"I'm her husband," he answered, "and she has a name and it's not 'the victim'

"Look I have to follow protocol," Anne explained.

"Protocol? I'm talking about treating the 'victims' like people not titles or steps"

"Anyway ma'am," the therapist said to Trudy, "would you prefer he leave?"

"Actually I would prefer that he stay"

The therapist looked a little agitated but just nodded.

"Now," Anne started looking at her chart, "you've been through a traumatic event Mrs. Monk and it probably affected you in many ways"

Where did you go to school, Monk thought to himself, captain DUH university?"

"Things in many ways are going to change. Emotionally you're going to be all over the place. It will be best to keep everything as normal as possible. Don't pretend to yourself this didn't happen. You may need to get some professional help-"

"What are you," Monk asked

"What?"

"You said she may need to get some professional help. What are you?"

"I can only work with her while she's here at the hospital. That will be at most a couple of months. It will take a lot longer then that to get over what happened to her. Speaking of over-"

"No lets not speak of over. Stop talking to her like she's a class assignment. Trudy is a human being with thoughts feelings and a personality. You're treating her like an experiment"

"What do you expect from me Mr. Monk," Anne said, "I had a rough day"

"Oh I'm so sorry," Trudy said softly, "do you need to talk?"

That was Trudy. She was always thinking of others before herself. But Adrian wasn't about to let this charade continue.

"Are you capable of handling a situation like this," he asked Anne

Anne sighed.

"Mr. Monk have you ever had a bad day"

Furry rose in his throat.

"MY WIFE IS LYING HERE IN THIS CONDITION AND YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I EVER HAD A BAD DAY? GEE I DON'T KNOW. LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK"

"Adrian its okay," Trudy whispered, "everyone has bad days"

"That may be true," he said, "but I think we should get someone in here who can actually help instead of someone who needs help… no offense Anne. I'm sure you're a very nice person"

Anne smiled sadly at him.

"No offense taken," she replied

When she left Trudy looked at Adrian.

"Honey," she said gently with only a hint of reprimand in her voice, "Anne didn't mean to upset you. She was probably just upset herself. Whatever was bothering her most have affected her something awful"

Adrian nodded

"Trudy," he said, "how do you do it? How do you always manage to think about other people even despite what you go through?"

"Well I think that it's actually comforting to care about other people. It sort of lessens the hurt that I'm feeling… although-"

The door opened and another woman walked in

"You must be Trudy right," she said warmly

Trudy nodded

"My name is Laura. First of all let me say that I know what you're going through. I went through the same thing myself when I was 15"

"You did?"

Laura nodded.

"My life," she began, "was very much like yours until this happened. I wish I could tell you the recovery will be easy. I wish I could tell you the pain will go away. The physical pain will go away… just like when you were a little kid and you get hurt. That happens to some kids, getting hurt I mean, but anyway getting back to my point it will take a whole lot longer for the emotional pain to dissipate."

"Dissipate?"

"That means get easier. It helps if you keep things as normal as possible"

"How is that possible," Monk asked, "We can't just pretend this didn't happen and it hasn't affected us"

"No of course not," Laura said, "there's no way you can do that. What I meant was you can't let this stop you from living"

"Hm"

"You see… I'm sorry," she said to Adrian, "what did you say your name was again. I didn't quite catch it"

"That's okay. I didn't quite throw it," he said chuckling, "I'm Adrian"

"Anyway," Laura continued, "it's important to continue to move forward and get through this as normally as possible. Over the coming months I'm going to help you do that. First I thought maybe it would be best to just get to know each other. I don't see from the records your madden name mentioned. Was it an embarrassing one or something?"

"No," Monk said, "mine was"

"Yours?"

1"Before I got married," he said, "my last name was Hopshit"

Laura laughed.

"I don't blame you for taking on your wife's name," she said

"Yeah I don't really like any name with the word shit in it. It's germy and disgusting"

Trudy laughed then winched. The beating she'd gotten from the rapist made any laughter hurt horribly even on morphine she couldn't mask the pain.

"That pain I'm feeling now," she said, "is it physical or emotional"

"Well," Laura said, "the morphine masks the physical pain and you're on a lot of it. The pain you're feeling now is more then likely emotional which doesn't make it any less painful."

Tears filled Adrian's eyes.

"Adrian," Laura said with a tentative tone in her voice, "what are you thinking just now"

"Oh nothing"

"No… it's important you be honest.

Monk nodded.

"Okay I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I wish I could take all of that pain off of her and put it on me. It hurts me that this happened. It makes me angry that some low-life was able to get away with that. He hurt her. My GOD he could have killed her. It's so unfair"

"My grandfather used to say who says life is fair," Laura said, "I think that's the biggest load of crap ever. Life may not be fair but there are certain things that should be. Basic common courtesy is one. People shouldn't be afraid to walk from a building to their car"

"I have some ideas of who it is," Adrian said, "but I don't know for sure yet"

"Sounds like you're what my grandmother would say, 'back in the swing of things,' huh," Laura commented.

Adrian looked at Trudy who just gave him a weak smile.

Even he smiled and then felt horribly guilty about smiling.

"Honey what-"

"I shouldn't be smiling," he said, "not when this is happening. This isn't the time to be smiling. This is the time to… to not be smiling"

"Okay put the car into park," Laura said, "and back up the boat. There's going to be a lot of negativity going on and a lot of raw emotions but it's extremely important to be as positive as possible right now. Smiling is allowed. Laughing is allowed. It's going to be a long time before life is normal again but it's important to make it as normal as possible."

"You know," Adrian said, "I told my brother the same thing once about a year and ½ ago"

"You did," Laura asked, "now that sounds interesting"

"Actually," Trudy said, "it's a pretty funny story"

She was glad if only for a moment to forget her problems. She was glad if only for a moment to forget what happened to her. She would recall it often enough. She would have nightmares about it. Thoughts would always go back to what happened…she knew that, but she was glad for the moment to forget.

Laura motioned for one of them to continue.

"Ambrose was my best friend when we were growing up," Adrian began, "and both of us had issues. One thing that happened to my brother every night was that he would be sleep-walking. One day last year he was really upset. I asked him what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine but I know my brother and he can't lie worth a penny. Finally it came out that he did something that he shouldn't have done. He and I quote, 'kissed a beautiful girl that didn't belong to him' end of quote. I told him first of all that women are not property and nobody 'owns' them and secondly I asked him had he been sleepwalking. He asked me how I knew that he was sleepwalking. It was fairly obvious. Anyway I told him that he couldn't be responsible for what he didn't know that he did. It took some convincing but I finally convinced him of that"

"I guess you," Laura said motioning to Trudy, "was the beautiful woman that didn't belong to him"

"Girl," Adrian said as he was particular about getting things specifically right, "not woman… girl"

"I'm sorry. I guess she was the beautiful girl that didn't belong to him?"

Adrian nodded.

"We were having some renovations done so Ambrose invited us to stay at his place until it was fixed. She was in the kitchen having a glass of milk. Plus I knew because she told me about what happened"

There was a moment of silence and then Adrian asked, "Shouldn't we be dealing with what happened?"

"Oh absolutely," Laura replied, "but not until the dust has settled. She's just been through a very unremitting experience. The idea of this session is to make her forget just for a moment. It's to make her feel better. It's to make her remember that she has people who love her… that not everyone is that filthy disgusting pig that did this to her"

"DON'T YOU EVERcall him a pig," Adrian said, "that's an insult to all pigs! He's lower then whale-shit and NOTHING is lower then whale-shit because whale-shit is at the bottom of the sea."

"Exactly," Laura said, "but not every person-"

"He's NOT a person. He's an abomination to the human race. Don't call him a person"

"Anyway," Laura said, "I have to go now. I'm going to write down my number so you can call me any time"

Laura wrote her number down and handed one copy of it to Adrian and a second copy over to Trudy.

"Now remember," she said, "any time you need to talk, I'm right here"

"Laura seems like a nice woman," Adrian said after she left.

"She is," Trudy agreed, "it was good to get that horrifying experience out of my mind for a minute or two"

That sentiment was one that he echoed.

"Adrian can I ask you something," she asked

"I think you just did," he joked

"What do you think of me now?"

"What do you mean," he asked

"Before he got away the person that did this called me 'damaged goods'.

A large amount of rage surged through Adrian.

"Damaged goods?"

How dare that lowlife scumbag talk to her like that!

"Trudy the man is insane. What happened to you doesn't change who you are. You're not damaged goods"

A horrible thought crossed his mind. Ambrose referred to her once as 'a beautiful girl that didn't belong to him'. Was it possible that his brother did this while sleepwalking? He quickly shook off that thought but it kept coming back.

"Trudy," he said, "I'll be right back. I have to go make a quick call"

If Ambrose was home there was no way he could have done it. He lived 4 hours away from the crime scene. Adrian had to make sure.

Quickly he dialed the number to his brother's house.

Please let him be home, he prayed

The phone rang.

Come on Ambrose pick up pick up pick up.

"Hello?"

"Thank GOD"

"Nice to hear from you too Adrian," he said laughing

"I'm sorry. Ambrose look something happened today… a little over an hour ago."

"Is everything okay?"

"If I said it was I would be lying. Tonight Trudy was attacked and raped," he said unable to hold back the tears.

"WHAT! OH MY FRIGGIN GOWD! WHO THE HELL WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT"

"You don't even want to know the thought that went through my mind," Adrian said, "I'm freaking out and I'm furious"

"So am I. I can't believe someone would do that"

"Do you know what that bastard called her?"

"No. What?"

"He called her damaged goods. Damaged friggin goods. He actually had the nerve to say that to her"

"Damaged goods? What do they think she is… a pie shop?"

Normally he would have laughed but none of this was funny.

"Adrian?"

"Yeah Ambrose?"

"Okay I know this sounds kind of weird and everything with the past and all that but would it be okay if I came to visit"

"Of course," he said, "I think that she would like that"

"Oh and Adrian… I'm sorry about getting mad last month that one time. I was scared and I didn't know how to react.

"That's why they call it a reaction," Adrian replied, "of course you didn't mean to do it. Between you and me I was grateful to you for your fast thinking. It really saved the day."

"I just hope I wasn't too-"

"You weren't. Ambrose stop doubting yourself all the time"

"How about I drive up tonight"

Adrian nodded.

"Don't call a hotel though. You can stay with me?"

"Really? You mean it?"

"Absolutely"

"I'm not sure though… with my sleepwalking and all that…"

"It would be a relief to have you there… to not be alone," Adrian said

"Okay," Ambrose enthused, "you convinced me. I'll pack a bag and come down"

"See you soon. Oh and Ambrose?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you"

"Love you too little brother"

As soon as he hung up the phone he headed straight to her room. She had fallen asleep and was tossing and turning obviously not sleeping well. Who could blame her. Within the past short while she had been through hell. Tenderly he brushed the hair from her head with his fingers. She woke up a few minutes later screaming.

"Trudy it's okay," he soothed, "It was just a bad dream"

She held onto him tightly… like she would never let go.

"It was so scary," she sobbed, "everything was happening at once"

He held her close to him.

Laura happened to have walked in at the moment

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," she asked

"I've been better"

"She had a nightmare," Adrian explained.

"That's not uncommon," Laura explained, "I used to have hundreds of them"

"Does it ever go away," Trudy asked.

"It gets easier," Laura answered, "and eventually it will subside"

"I don't handle tough times well," Trudy explained

Laura smiled gently

"Honestly," she said, "I don't know of anyone who does"
"Thank you for coming to check on me," she told Laura

"You and I," Laura said, "we have a lot in common"

"We do… cool"

"That is cool," Laura said, "and at the same time not cool. I'd prefer not having gone through those experiences but I learned to take it and turn it into something good"

"How did you do that"

"It's what made me become a counselor. See having been through tough times I like to take that and turn it into something that can help others get through it."

"Did that change who you are?"

"In many was it did," Laura acknowledge, "I was going out with a guy most of my friends called a nerd at the time. I didn't care. I was crazy about him. But before my experience I was kind of shallow. I didn't see deeper then what was beyond my eyes."

Adrian smiled

"You know," he said, "Trudy taught me to look beyond my eyes"

"Look beyond your eyes… I like that."

She paused for a second and then asked, "how do you look beyond your eyes though?"

"Actually in some ways it's very easy. In other ways it's really complicated. There are always several ways of looking at the same thing. Sometimes there are several different ways of handling the same situation. It's always important to find the most positive way to handle situations even when they're difficult."

"You know," Laura said to Trudy, "you're quite an intelligent person. How do you know all that"

"Personal experience," she explained, "long story"

"Hmm… let me see if I can sum up that long story"

"You can try," she told Laura, "but I'm not so sure you'll be able too"

"I will," Laura said, "I don't know how I will but I will"

Laughs were heard all around.

"So it probably started on some day when a situation happened"

"Yeah," Trudy acknowledge

"Wow," Adrian joked, "thank you Captain no kidding"

"It was probably an intense situation and it was a situation that you had to handle because…"

"Because of the circumstances and the time element of the situation yes"

"And so the situation probably taught him that there are several ways of dealing with a situation"

"Wow," she remarked, "you're good"

"Oh," Adrian added, "my brother's going to come visit probably tomorrow"

She grinned. The two of them had been best friends since kindergarten.

"From that smile," Laura surmised, "I'm guessing he's a friend?"

"Since kindergarten"

"Huh," she said curiously, "are you older then your husband"

"Only by two weeks," she explained, "how did you know"

"Well I thought, but I couldn't be sure, that I heard him refer to his brother as his older brother and if you were in kindergarten-"

"I was 4 while everyone else was five," Trudy explained, "my mom had to work in the ice cream shop to support me. My father died when I was 4 and we were left in the lurch. My mom didn't trust any babysitter and since my uncle was the super-intendent of the school… I got in early"

"How did you like kindergarten?"

"I loved it"

"Yeah," Adrian said, "I think I was probably the only freak that didn't like it"

"Too many germs," Trudy explained.

"Did you have a good relationship with your brother," Laura asked Adrian

He nodded.

"Ambrose could read me like a book," Adrian said chuckling, "and he was always on my side. If he wanted something and I wanted the same thing he would always step aside and root for me"

"He sounds like one hell of a big brother"

"Oh he was. He was only a year older then me but that year seemed to make such a difference"

"It always does," Laura replied before saying goodnight, "it always does"

1 I have a friend that had that madden name. His name is Mark Hopshit Pepermint