So, there's a few housekeeping details before we get to the actual story. First, this is meant to be a humorous little story that hopefully makes you laugh. This has been floating around in my head for a while now and I wanted to get it down. Next, there is no bad language or questionable scenes in this. Finally, I welcome any and all reviews - I'm always so happy when I see that little counter go up! - so if you have something to say, I'd be glad to hear (or read) it.
Disclaimer: The usual - all rights go to the proper owner. I only own the plot and the OC's.
The stars above were the only illumination for a world dipped into the darkness of the new moon. Elves, sitting in and around the trees, talked and laughed and told jokes in the starlight.
"You did not!" Leaning against the trunk of an old oak, an Elf with gleaming hair scoffed at his companion, a bright-eyed Elf with long limbs.
"I did!" The Elf leaned forward, pointing his strip of dried meat at his friend. "You would have seen it, if you had been on duty that day."
The first Elf shook his head firmly. "Even if I did not see it, that does not mean that you did it!"
"I did do it, and now you owe me a bottle of wine."
"You did not, and I do not!"
"Did what?"
The two Elves looked up as a lithe form dropped onto a tree root beside them. "My Prince!" the Elves exclaimed, shooting a worried look at each other. Legolas raised an eyebrow.
"You seem surprised to see me, yet we have been on the same patrol for several weeks now." The Elves nodded. Arndar bit off a chunk of the dried meat. Beladhon played with a frayed edge of his tunic. Legolas shook his head slightly and rose to his feet. "Well, as long as you two are not doing anything illegal…"
The two Elves glanced at each other again. Legolas paused.
"You aren't doing anything illegal, are you?" he prompted.
"It is not illegal," Beladhon reassured him. Legolas nodded, satisfied, and turned away.
"Yet," Arndar muttered. Legolas turned back as Beladhon hurriedly shoved his friend off the root he was sitting on. Legolas's eyes narrowed but he walked away, glancing once over his shoulder at the two Elves. Beladhon waved innocently at him, not even looking as he pushed Arndar down again. "What?" the Elf demanded, sliding out of his reach. "It's not illegal, but only because the others aren't trying it yet!"
A soft snort came from nearby. The two friends looked up to see Labrien, the only female in their small patrol. She was sitting on the next tree over, with one leg bent beneath her and the other hanging in the air. She was currently grinning at them.
"Since you two cannot decide who won your wager, why don't I join in and we start over?"
Arndar shrugged. Beladhon looked skeptically up at her. "What do you bet?"
Labrien's grin widened. She hopped swiftly off her branch and landed without a sound next to the two male Elves. Her hand dipped into her pocket, and when she withdrew it a pearl was resting on her palm, glittering pink and gold. Arndar and Beladhon drew in soft breaths and leaned forward.
"Where did you get that?" Beladhon breathed, reaching out a finger to poke the pearl. Labrien's fingers closed around it before he could touch it. "From the Men that come to trade," she said proudly. "I was part of a patrol that saved them from some spiders, and one of them gave it to me."
"And did anyone else get a reward?" Arndar asked, smirking. Labrien cuffed the back of his head and returned the pearl to her pocket. She smoothed the front of her tunic and sat down.
"Be silent. So, do we have a deal? My pearl, and both of you put in a bottle of wine."
"I should think so."
"Of course."
Labrien nodded and thought for a moment, head tilted. "Why don't we add that we must do it in front of someone else, so that that person can confirm that the rules were met?"
Arndar and Beladhon nodded. Labrien flashed them a mischievous grin and made to stand up, but was stopped by a hand on her shoulder. The two male Elves froze, looking horrified. Legolas leaned down and whispered, "You are right, Arndar, the King will soon declare this game illegal."
"What game?" Labrien turned her most winning smile on the prince. He laughed.
"I have not heard of this game before now. What are the rules?"
Beladhon shot a despairing look at Labrien as Arndar spoke up. "One must touch the King without him knowing it."
"In front of someone else," Labrien interjected. Arndar nodded. Legolas chuckled and sank down to the ground.
"That sounds difficult."
"It is," Arndar agreed. He glared at Beladhon. "But someone doesn't believe me when I say that I managed to do it."
"Did you now?" Legolas grinned, stopping the Elf from pushing Arndar off the root again. "Do you have proof?" Beladhon smirked as Arndar shook his head.
"Next time," he muttered. Legolas shook his head and pushed himself to his feet. "Well, I'm going to get some rest. Good luck with your game." He only got a few steps away before Arndar spoke up again.
"Could you do it, Legolas?"
The prince stopped and turned around. He took a second to think. "Possibly," he said.
"Even if he could, it should not count."
The four Elves turned to face in the direction of the one who had just spoken. Legolas frowned. "You are on watch, Uirben."
"I'm watching!" There was a brief pause. "But I stand by my point."
"But how would he overcome his advantage?" Labrien asked, raising her voice so that the fifth and final member of their patrol could hear. "You are right – as the King's son he must be more relaxed around him. It would not be so much of a challenge."
"Perhaps he needs a more difficult assignment."
Still standing in the middle of the four, Legolas sighed.
Arndar, Beladhon, Labrien, and Uirben fell silent, thinking. For several long minutes the only sounds were the rustling of fur as the night creatures stirred, the creaking of branches bending in the wind, and a dry whistling of the wind through leaves.
"A hug, perhaps?" Uirben said at last. Labrien and Arndar immediately shook their heads, and Beladhon looked positively terrified. Legolas also spoke up against this particular idea.
"This is ridiculous. I am going to rest, and I advise all of you to do the same. Except you, Uirben."
"I had no intention of sleeping!"
Legolas ignored him and walked over to his bedroll, which he had spread out on the ground earlier that evening, before hearing two of his patrol talk about a game.
Where do they come up with these ideas? he sighed, and laid down with his pack under his head. He had been there for several minutes, staring up through a small gap in the branches and leaves at the stars, when Labrien spoke, her voice full of barely-contained amusement. "What about a kiss?"
Legolas sat up on his elbows and raised an eyebrow at the female warrior. "You do realize that I am his son, do you not?" he asked sarcastically. She nodded, a grin twisting the corners of her mouth.
"Of course, my Prince, but I do not mean for you to kiss him on the lips. Wherever you feel is appropriate."
Legolas narrowed his eyes. "And why would I kiss him? I have no desire to participate in your game."
"Well," came a voice from a tree just outside of camp, "perhaps the rest of us will be less inclined to play the game afterwards, since no one else would dare to be so familiar with the King."
"No," Legolas sighed, and laid back down. He only got a minute or so of peace.
"We'll also keep bugging you until you give in."
Legolas frowned. "You wouldn't."
"We will," they said in unison. Legolas groaned.
"Fine, I will do it."
"In front of all of us."
"In front of all of you."
"When we get back."
"Fine! I will do it when we get back home. You have my word! Now go to sleep."
The three Elves not on duty snickered and went to their bedrolls. Legolas shook his head.
The next day the five Elves arrived at the Elvenking's halls. They rode into the outer courtyard, raising a hand in greeting to the guards by the gates, and allowed the stable hands to take their horses. Then they all headed inside the Mountain to make their report to the King.
Normally, only the leader of a patrol gives his or her report and allows the other members of the team to rest. This time, however, the patrol had exacted a promise from their commander, and they were going to see it through. So, when the King received them in his throne room, he was mildly surprised to see five Elves walk through the doors instead of just one. The other Elves in the hall looked confused, but the half-amused, half-expectant looks on the faces of four of the patrol assuaged their concerns. Legolas, the only one of the five to look resigned, stood a step in front of the others when they stopped before the throne.
"My King," he said, bowing. The other four followed suit.
King Thranduil, the Elvenking of Mirkwood, studied his son. The younger Elf, other than being weary and travel-stained, did not appear in any other way hindered, so he wondered what was so important that the entire patrol appeared before him. Perhaps they had lost… No. Thranduil remembered Legolas saying that he was only taking four. So why…
"Legolas," the King greeted. "How went the patrol?"
"Well. We first headed west and encountered few spiders or Orcs. After we reached the western border of the forest we swept south and from there curved east and then north. We cleared out all the spider nests that we found, but we believe that there are several new nests that will need to be recorded."
Thranduil nodded. "Then later you will mark the new nests' positions on a map. Anything else?"
"No, my Lord, nothing of note, except…"
The King blinked when Legolas turned to briefly glance at his patrol, as if confirming something or gathering his confidence. The four Elves behind him looked back at him with varied emotions, but he noted that the only female warrior looked like she was holding back laughter. Then Legolas faced him again and the King snapped his attention back to his son.
"Permission to approach?" Legolas asked, sounding almost hesitant. Thranduil's eyes narrowed, but his head dipped. He watched as Legolas stepped forward, his movements stuttering.
Was he injured? Perhaps that was why he was acting so odd. But, no…he did not appear to have any wounds, nor was he moving stiffly as if with hidden hurts. And neither did his patrol looked concerned. The King had not yet determined the cause of his son's odd behavior before he stopped next to the throne. If he had been anyone else, Thranduil would not have permitted him so close, and would have had him stop just before the throne, for practical and personal reasons, but since it was his son, and since he was becoming concerned about his well-being, he allowed him to stand by his side.
"What is it?" he asked, pitching his voice low so that the other Elves in the hall could not hear. He was beginning to suspect Legolas wanted to ask him something personal, but why he couldn't wait and speak to him in the privacy of the royal wing was baffling.
Legolas was chewing his bottom lip, a bad habit that he had never been able to break him of. "I–" he started, but broke off, glanced at his patrol, and took a deep breath, as if steadying himself. Thranduil was about to stand to look his son eye-to-eye when Legolas suddenly bent down, kissed him on the cheek, and straightened, hurriedly backing away from the throne. The tips of his ears were red. "There, I did it," he announced. At a loss for words, the King watched as he backed away to the relative safety that was the patrol. He wouldn't meet Thranduil's gaze.
The King, for once, didn't know what to say. Then a sudden thought crept into his mind and he smirked. Seeing that, Legolas looked alarmed. "Was that a result of that game you young Elves have recently found amusing?"
Ah, that got a reaction. Legolas looked startled, while the rest of the patrol simply looked terrified. They subtly grouped together behind Legolas as if seeking shelter. Thranduil chuckled.
"Well, I believe that is the most daring anyone has gotten so far." An idea occurred to him, and he stood. This could turn out to be very amusing for him, and one particular Elf with shiny brown hair looked most scared of him. "Although, it does not seem fair, since you are my son and can take certain liberties."
He descended from the throne, approaching the patrol. Legolas looked like he wanted to question him but was too embarrassed to speak up. The King managed to keep a straight face as he touched the shoulder of the Elf with the shining hair and drew him away from the group. The Elf was tense and looked like he was either going to pass out, vomit, or run screaming from the hall. Thranduil was finding it difficult to keep a smirk from curving his lips.
Then he stepped forward and drew the terrified Silvan into a brief hug, releasing him quickly as he felt the Elf shake. Chuckling audibly, he walked back to his throne and sat gracefully. "There. Now he has the highest score. If that is all, I suggest you all clean up and rest. Remember to mark those nests' positions on the map, Legolas."
Startled, Legolas sketched a quick bow and all but fled from the throne room. The Elf Thranduil had hugged looked stunned, and the female Elf had to steer him from the room with a firm hand on his back. Thranduil allowed himself a moment of amusement, and looking around he saw the other Elves in the room either laughing or struggling to keep it in.
"Next," he called, and the Elves jumped into action, still smiling.
