Authors notes: A reenactment of Monty Python & the Holy Grail with the replacement of Star Trek characters and situations. Time has no meaning for the characters in this story.

Monty Picard & the
Holy Dilithium Crystal

Chapter 1
Written By: Q

(A slight breeze blows, the sound of horse clop-clopping in the distance)

KING ARTHUR: Whoa there!

( A bald man with the stony expression yelled. He was dressed as a knight who was in power with a sword and phaser by his side. Pips of high rank also decorated his armor)

(Final clop-clops end as his Scottish sidekick pulls up beside him)

GUARD GEORDI LAFORGE: Halt! Who goes there?

(A dark skinned guard from thr top of a castle eyes the strange vistors)

KING ARTHUR: It is I, Captain and King Jean-Luc Arthur Picard, from the castle Enterpise.

LAFORGE: Shove this visor up my nose!

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I am! (With Pride) And this my trusty servant Scotty.

SCOTTY: Aye.

(Arthur's younger sidekick nods with a menacing glare)

KING ARTHUR: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of officers who will join my at my court in Enterprise.

LAFORGE: What ridden a horse?

KING ARTHUR: Yes! (says slightly annoyed)

LAFORGE: You're using tricorders!

KING ARTHUR: What? (Scotty looks down to see his two tricorders)

LAFORGE: You've got two old Enterprise tricorders and you're banging them together!

(Arthur ignores the irrelevent statement and goes on to tell of their noble journey)

KING ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of Winter covered this land, through the neutral zone, through-

LAFORGE: Where'd you get the tricorders?

KING ARTHUR: We found them. (face still stony and serious)

LAFORGE: Found them? In the 24th century? The tricorder's ancient!

KING ARTHUR: What do you mean?

LAFORGE: This is the 24th century!

KING ARTHUR: The Enterprise may travel around the sun, and the guardian of forever provides entrance to the past, yet these are not strangers to our land.

LAFORGE: Are you suggesting tricorders time-travel?

KING ARTHUR: Not at all. They could have been hurled.

LAFORGE: What, a man hurl a tricorder?

KING ARTHUR: He could grip it by the handle.

LAFORGE: Its not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of strength! A simple human cannot throw a tricorder at warp speed!

KING ARTHUR: Well it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Jean-Luc from the bridge of Enterprise is here.

LAFORGE: Listen, in order to maintain time travel velocity a tricorder has to float beyond warp 9.3, right?

KING ARTHUR: Please! (annoyance now in full)

LAFORGE: Am I right?

KING ARTHUR:(sigh) I'm not interested!

(A new head pops into view and joins the debat)

GUARD DATA: It could be hurled by a mad klingon.

LAFORGE: Oh yeah, a mad klingon maybe, but not a human, that's my point.

DATA: Yes, I agree.

KING ARTHUR: Will you ASK your master if he wants to join me at my bridge at Enterprise!?

LAFORGE: But then again, the average klingon of the past wouldn't carry a federation tricorder. (Ignoring the Captain and Scottsman)

DATA: True

LAFORGE: So he wouldn't have much of a chance at hurling the tricorder anyway.

(Arthur and Scotty trot off annoyed at the guards persistence at a pointless topic)

DATA: Wait a minute, suppose he hurled it out the window of a starship travelling at a high warp.

LAFORGE: No, he'd be sucked out into space.

DATA: Simple! You just use an environmental suit.

LAFORGE: What with magnetic boots?

DATA: Obviously....

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(In the slum sights of sickbay, a klingon casually walks along with a cart.)

WORF: Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead.

ODO: Here's one. Nine bars I'd say. (Walks in carrying a ferengi over his shoulder)

QUARK: I'm not dead!

WORF: What?

QUARK: I'm not dead! (Yells out of desperasion)

WORF: Here -- he says he's not dead.

ODO: Yes he is.

(Ignoring the ferengi's plea's.)

QUARK: I'm not!

WORF: He isn't.

ODO: Well, he will soon be. He's very ill.

QUARK: I'm getting better!

ODO: No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

WORF: Well, I can't take him like that; it's against regulations.

QUARK: I don't want to go in the cart!

ODO: Oh, don't be such a baby.

WORF: I can't take him.

QUARK: I feel fine!

ODO: Oh. do us a favor.

WORF: I can't.

ODO: Well, can you hang around a few minutes. He won't be long. (Determined to get rid of the ferengi.)

WORF: Naaaaah. I've got to go to the Crusher's. They've lost nine today.

ODO: Well, when is your next round.

WORF: Thursday.

QUARK: I think I'll go for a walk. Make profit at the bar.

ODO: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look isn't there something you can do?

QUARK: I feel happy...I fell happy.

(Worf takes a quick look around before taking both fists and ramming them into the helpless ferengi's head.)

ODO: (Lumps Quark on the cart) Ah, thanks very much.

WORF: Not at all; see you on Thursday.

ODO: Right

(Arthur and Scotty ride by with their tricorders banging.)

WORF: Who's that then?

ODO: I don't know.

WORF: Must be a Captain.

ODO: Why?

WORF: He's got pips all over him.

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Disclaimer: I don't own it..

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