iKill Carly

A series of journal entries and bits of real life drama that describe when Sam tires of playing second banana to Carly's perfection. What would happen if she finally lost it? For all the people in the fandom who think that Carly Shay is just a /little\ too perfect. Starts out fake Creddie, eventually Seddie, for all the Seddie lovers. Semi-crackfic.

Chapter 1: iTurn My Sam On

Dear Diary,

You know that song, "Turn My Swag," by Soulja Boy? I prefer the Keri Hilson version, but tweak the lyrics, and it's basically the story of my life:

Hop up out the bed; turn my Sam on; take a look in the mirror, say wassup! Yeah, I'm such a badass, ohhh!

I'm an actress, and a marvelous one at that. This might sound conceited, but it's true: how else could I get everyone in Seattle and the viewers of iCarly AND my best friends to believe I'm a broke, meat-loving, butt-kicking, school-skipping dumb blonde when I'm really a certified genius who's a vegetarian, an heiress, a pacifist, and never truly misses a day of school. Let me take you behind my carefully constructed wall of lies...

My name is Samantha Puckett, and I am a liar.

I am the heiress to the well-hidden, llittle-known, heavily guarded Puckett fortune: my life is worth millions of dollars. When I first met Freddie--that's right, I met him first--I was Samantha, a well-mannered, polite little girl. I would never hurt a fly. We were the best of friends, so close that some people thought we must be siblings. Then SHE came.

On that fateful day, I lost my best friend, my crush, my life, to Carly Shay. On that day, my father was killed by an escaped prisoner who used to be his best friend.

He became obsessed with stealing his millions. Finally, he went too far -- he endangered his family. He tried to smother me and Melanie, my twin sister, while we were asleep in our cribs. He was sent to prison: life sentence with no chance of parole.

My life fell apart. My mother became an alcoholic, never noticing, or caring about me or Melanie's needs. We came to take refuge in our "friends" -- me, Carly and Freddie; Mel, Danny and Lauren. At school, I became Sam, the tough, badass girl who didn't take bullshit from anyone. At home, I stayed Samantha, for my family's sake. I wanted to create a wall to protect myself from getting hurt again, but it had to surrond my family, too.

I never let anyone come to my house. Melanie stayed the same, but she was part of the "we're poor and have a bad life" scheme, too. No friends over, lie about your home life, never let them see you cry....

When Carly Shay came into my life, she tore it from its roots and turned it upside down. The only one I could turn to for support was too busy drooling over the new girl to realize that his best friend was broken inside. Of course, I eventually forgave him, but I never let him forget it. I became mean, mocking. I always teased him, taunted him, insulted his manhood.

I also told him that no one would ever love him.

It broke his heart, many times, but it was obvious to see that Carly hated him, and all the poor little girls who loved Freddie were patiently waiting for the day when he would see the truth staring him straight in the eyes. That Carly would never love him. That there's someone else who loves him so much, it hurts. That that person is me.....

A year later, I got revenge on her in the best way I knew how: internal sabotage. I became her best friend, gathering info on her to use against her later. She would pay. Full price.

**********

Dear Diary,

I hate Carly. Intensely. With all my fuckin' heart, mind, and strength. I love Sam, but she hates me. Sad, isn't it?

She blackmailed me. That slut blackmailed me.

For years, she held my secret above my head and made me hurt Sam feelings. I knew Sam was suffering, but I couldn't go to her, or else she would tell Sam. I don't even know how she found my secret out, and I don't really care. She's a motherfuckin' bitch, and that's it.

She devised this scheme in which I had to pretend to stalk her while she pretended to hate me and went off with other guys. I had to profess my "love" for her as often as possible, and be as convincing as possible. She also stole guys from Sam. They never really loved her anyway, but they never even gave her a chance. I sure would've.

I lost my virginity to her.

When we were alone, she'd say things like "I'm so horny, Freddie," or "Oh, I bet you have such a huge dick," things to get me to glare at her till she said "Fuck me, or I'll tell Sam first."

Eventually, Sam got meaner and meaner, with good reason, as I got more and more pathetic. Her life had cracked at the seams, and as her best friend, I had done nothing.

We used to be so close: we could tell each other anything. Now, the only time she pays attention to me is when we're arguing. She's the only person I've ever wanted to argue with, if only to her say my name.

If Carly died, my life would be so much better........

**********

Dear Diary,

She did it. She motherfucking did it.

I came over to Carly's house, like I do every day, and said hi to poor, unsuspecting Spencer. He's a good person with a bad little sister.

I walked upstairs to relax and practice before iCarly. I had gotten there early, so I had enough time. I figured Carly and Freddie were already there, so I decided to surprise them. I got to the studio and froze at the glass door.

Carly and Freddie were having sex on the floor. Thank whatever god there is that that room is soundproof.

I burst in like a madwoman, my face bearing the most rage-filled expression.

"Uh, Sam! I, uh..." He rushed to grab his clothes.

"Save it, Freddie." At least he had the decency to look ashamed. I turned towards the slut sitting next to him.

She smirked. "Hey, Sam."

Freddie glared at her. I just shook my head and walked out of the room. As soon as I was out of sight, I ran to the fire escape and cried my heart out.

Carly lied to me. She said she hated him. And Freddie.... Words couldn't describe how I felt.

I got up and stood on the edge of the balcony and looked out at the city. Seattle is such a beautiful city, but I think I need to leave.

I'll call Melanie. We'll leave at midnight.

**********

Dear Diary,

Carly pushed her limits. I forced myself to cope with her insanity, but today, she took it too far.

As soon as Sam left, Carly pecked my cheek, saying something like "Now, where we?"

I slapped her. "Go ahead: tell her. Tell everybody. Jail is better than being your slave. You're a needy, selfish, greedy bitch, and a total slut." I stood up and started to put my clothes, planning to go after Sam. Carly grabbed my ankle and pulled me down, an evil glint behind the seductive gaze in her eyes.

"You're not going anywhere, Fredward," she whispered, scarily calmly. All of a sudden she whipped out a switchblade from the pocket of her jeans that were lying next to her.

Dear motherfucking God, she's lost it.....