Where Are You Now?
Soap sighed and shook his head and put a single white rose on the headstone. A few months ago, he'd been reunited with a few of his men. A week ago, one had taken his life after a terrible argument. After everything that had actually happened, it wasn't anything that killed him more than the hurtful words of a supposed friend. It seemed like yesterday that the younger man had been alive, bright and vibrant and recovering from terrible injury. He spared a glance at the others. Archer looked thoroughly stunned, Toad was trying not to sob and failing miserably. Price looked mildly upset that someone so young was gone by his own hand. The other member of the team hadn't come to the small service, too guilt-ridden to even try to face the reality of what had happened.
"Has anyone seen Roach and Ghost?"
"They went that way. Apparently, there was a lot of stuff they needed to discuss."
"Are those two fighting again?" Price asked. Soap rolled his eyes. "They've been arguing with one another for a good two days."
"Is it their normal brotherly love bickering?" Archer interjected.
"Archer, shut up."
"Rude," Archer said, leaving the room.
"Ghost, would you please just listen to me for a second?"
"Why should I Sergeant?" Ghost hissed icily. Roach flinched back. It was the first time in months that they'd been this bad.
"I didn't mean any harm by it." Came the quiet words. "You haven't been eating a whole lot lately and I just-"
"Save it you bloody idiot. I don't know why I even bothered to try to talk to you."
"Ghost, wait."
Ghost stopped in his tracks. He was angry and annoyed that Roach had gone over his head and told Soap about his self imposed anorexia. He had no right to do so. He spun to face Roach.
"Get the hell away from me."
"But-"
"If you'd been paying better attention, we would have seen Shepard's betrayal earlier. It's your fault I almost died."
Roach's sharp intake of breath was what Soap heard as he came in. The Sergeant's face crumpled in hurt. "It's your fault they died. Scarecrow would still be alive had you paid better attention to the mortars." Soap knew it was a low blow. Roach had taken the news that Scarecrow had died rather badly. Roach was frozen with shock and grief. Soap was about to intervene when Roach snapped out of the stunned state he was in and retaliated.
"You fucking asshole!" He said. He began to leave and stopped short upon seeing Soap.
"Are you all right Roach?" Soap asked. He hadn't heard the whole conversation but he knew that he was hurting from what Ghost told him.
"Fine, sir" Gary replied, falling back onto old habits.
"There's no rank out here mate." Soap reminded him gently.
Soap was amazed at the recovery both men had made. Roach had been hurt the worst of the two of them, between the shrapnel from the mortar blast that had almost killed him, the bullet from Shepard's magnum revolver and then the attempted burning alive, he'd been in rather bad shape. His recovery was slower than Ghost's had. He thanked God that Archer and Toad pulled them from the flames before it completely consumed them. Still, even though it hadn't reached his upper torso, Roach's body was badly scarred and as a result, his confidence was destroyed. It's taken a month to heal enough to where the pain was minimal. And another month of physical therapy to get his body back to everyday activities.
Still, walking was slow for Roach. Ghost shook his head bitterly.
"Go on," He said to Roach, ignoring the fact that Soap was there. "Cry to Soap about what's going on. Bloody useless wanker." He stormed past the two of them and Soap turned confused eyes to Roach.
"What happened mate?" He asked.
"It's nothing." Roach said, he tried to escape by walking faster than he normally did lately, only to cry out at the sharp pain that ripped through him. Soap's arms immediately wrapped around him and eased him into the nearest chair.
"Take it easy mate. You still need to work up to that."
Roach looked upset.
"He's right, though. I am useless."
"No, you aren't. Roach, your injuries were bad, very bad. It takes time to recover."
"It's been four months. Face it, I'm not gonna get past the ability to walk slowly. Even if Shepard hadn't betrayed us, I would have been done. If we were found today, I would have been useless to you."
"Now don't you dare start that." Soap snapped and Roach jumped. "Don't you dare start tearing yourself down."
Price poked his head in the room.
"Ghost is on a rampage Soap. He and Archer are going at it."
"Damn it." Soap swore. He didn't want to leave Roach alone but he now didn't have a choice. Archer wasn't afraid to put Ghost in his place by beating him. "Stay here Roach. I'll be back in a bit." He rushed off.
If he'd known how much Ghost's words had hurt the young man, he wouldn't have left him alone. Ghost appeared in his line of sight and knelt beside the headstone. He was a wreck, clutching a picture of them, taken a few weeks before Roach's death, all of them smiling or pulling silly faces.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
Soap raced out of the door without so much as a second thought, intent on stopping the escalating fighting before it turned physical. He managed with Price's help to separate the two men.
"What the bloody hell is wrong with the two of you?" He demanded. He opened his mouth to continue to give them a good tongue lashing when there was a loud crack. Eyes widening, he raced back to the room without even thinking about it, the others a few steps behind him. The door was locked.
"Roach!" He called. He kicked the door in and rushed inside. By some strange twist of cruel fate, the young man was still alive, despite the fact that he'd tried to shoot himself in the head. Soap gathered him up. "Get help!" He demanded over his shoulder. "Hang in there mate. Stay with me."
Roach couldn't track anything with his eyes, his breathing was ragged. There was a hole on the side of his head. Ghost was the only other person who stayed behind. He knelt beside Soap.
"We need to apply pressure to the wound." He said. His eyes were wide with horror. "He needs to be kept alert too."
"Damn it Roach, stay awake."
Roach lived for another two days before he was declared brain-dead. He could go on living, with the help of machines, but there was no way he was ever going to be awake. Pulling the plug was the hardest decision Soap ever had to make. He weighed the options. On the one hand, it was unfair and selfish of him to keep him on the machines, when he was a vegetable, he wasn't going to wake up. On the other hand, how could he justify letting his friend, and brother in arms die? It took him a grand total of a week to come to a decision. He didn't tell the doctors right away but rather his men.
"I'm going to have them take Roach off of life support. If any of you want to say your goodbyes to the lad, you ought to do it now."
"He could still come out of it." Toad's hopeful voice said. "The doctor said there was a chance."
"A very small chance mate." Archer said. "And if he never comes out of it, it isn't fair of us to force him to keep on living."
"Listen to what you're saying!" Toad choked out. "You're talking about euthanizing our friend!"
"Toad, if he did come out of it, he'd suffer so much. But he isn't going to be thrown from the state he's in, is he?" Ghost asked. It was the first time in the last week he'd said much of anything. He hadn't dared go to the hospital to see Roach, afraid of what he'd find there.
Price shook his head. Almost everyone went to say their farewells to Roach. Ghost was hesitant to go, he knew that if he did….
"You should go."
"I can't face what I caused." Ghost said. They were in the waiting room of a small dingy hospital, Ghost had been dragged along.
"You need to do this. Otherwise, it'll eat at you as long as you live."
Ghost waited until the doctors were ready.
"I'll be with him." He said. He followed the doctors to Roach's room. Seeing Roach for the first time since he'd shot himself was a shock. Roach had always been vibrant and lively, in his place was a sickly shell of a person. His head was wrapped in bandages and there were tubes connected almost everywhere. He looked in every sense of the word, dead. Now, Ghost understood the reasons behind Soap's decision. "Can I have a minute or so before you do this?" He waited until the doctor left. "Roach, I'm not good with this sort of thing. I need you to wake up, and tell me what an arse I've been."
He reached to grab Roach's hand, it was slack and unresponsive in his. "Please, wake up. I'm sorry mate."
Ghost shook his head, after what happened with his family, he'd sworn he'd closed off his heart and not allow anyone to enter it. But Roach had, and he'd only pushed him away. The others filed away quietly, letting Ghost be alone. Soap knelt beside him.
"What have I done?" Ghost asked. He felt lost again for the first time in a very long time.
"Ghost, I don't know what to tell you in all honesty. He looked up to you."
"I wish I could take it back."
"But you can't. I don't know he'd tell you Ghost. But I'll tell you something, you can't go on living in the past. He wouldn't want you to."
"Do you think he'd forgive me?"
"I have no doubt of it Ghost. He always said you were the elder brother he never had. Come, we have to do a few things before the service is over, things I promised Roach I'd do."
AN: This is exactly why I shouldn't be allowed to listen to depressing music while I'm brainstorming….
