As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain

Ezekiel lived on a farm with his mother and father. He was an only child, and he was home schooled, despite the fact that both of his parents were Home Economics teachers.

I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain

Ezekiel married? Yeah, that will happen. Everyone who knew him knew that Ezekiel was sexist, thanks to his father.

But that's just perfect for an Amish like me

He wasn't exactly Amish, but he was close. His family did have electricity and running water and all that jazz, but they didn't have a television.

You know, I shun fancy things like electricity

Did we mention that lights-out was seven P.M.?

At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows

Ezekiel woke up at 4:30 am every morning to milk cows on the farm. He also had to fetch hay and water for them, and he had to groom them.

Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool

Ezekiel also had to feed the chickens. Basically he did all the work with the animals, while his father worked out in the fields.

And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that

Ezekiel had been working with the animals since he was four.

Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone

Ezekiel's neighbor's name was also Ezekiel. He thought the poor boy was living in a 'time warp,' and that he should be playing football or whatever kids theses days like to do.

I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline

But Ezekiel loved working with the animals. His father had told him that it built character and taught him self-discipline.

Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin

Every Sunday Ezekiel and his parents went to church. His parents read from the bible before bedtime, and Ezekiel had grown up with stories about Moses and David and Goliath. As for the beard, Ezekiel had been working on one for two years. He was almost there. Almost.

But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine

Ezekiel had a lot of chores, and so did his parents.

Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

But on some Fridays, the family had a small party celebrating the weekend… even though they had just as much work to do on Saturday morning.

We been spending most our lives

Ezekiel's whole life was spent on a farm.

Living in an Amish paradise

He was almost Amish.

I've churned butter once or twice

Ezekiel's mother had always made home-made butter. And sometimes Ezekiel helped her with the churning process.

Living in an Amish paradise

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

It's hard work and sacrifice

Ezekiel's family's life was tough. It was all about hard work and sacrifice. He was used to hard work, and he almost enjoyed it.

Living in an Amish paradise

He was almost Amish.

We sell quilts at discount price

Ezekiel's mother loved to sew. On the rare occasions she went into town, (excluding the times when she went to work, she went straight to school and straight back home, no distractions.) she brought many lovely quilts she had sewn and sold them at the Farmer's Market. She sold them at discount prices, of course.

Living in an Amish paradise

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week

Once while Ezekiel's father went into town with his wife, a kid kicked him in the behind.

I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek

Of course he was mad, but he was a strong Christian. He did whatever the Bible said…

I really don't care, in fact I wish him well

…But he didn't care. After all, he knew quite well where all the sinners went.

'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell

Yes, when Ezekiel's father was living the good life up in the Great Farm in the sky, that little trouble maker would be burning in… you know.

But I ain't ever punched a tourist even if he deserved it

His father had been 'assaulted' in the past, but he always kept calm. He never let his anger show, at least not in public.

An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of

Yes, Ezekiel's father almost never raised his voice.

I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat

Moving back to Ezekiel himself. He rarely wore buttons, simply because he had trouble with them. I mean, come on! Those little round disks always slip out of the button holes. But Ezekiel did have a cool hat. A very cool hat.

And my homies agree, I really look good in black...fool

This isn't Gwen or Duncan we're talking about. We're talking about Ezekiel.

If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears

As we mentioned before, Ezekiel didn't have a TV. The only thing he had at his home to entertain guests with was board games and books.

We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years

They didn't even have a phone. Okay, they did. But they hardly ever used it.

But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare

Ezekiel and his father were sexist. There was no doubt about that.

We're just technologically impaired

They had little technology. Who needed all of that fancy stuff when you had fresh air and a ton of land out in the wide-open country?

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcars

A scarcely used phone. Lights-out at seven P.M. sharp. But they did have a car.

Not a single luxury

The only luxury they seemed to have was heating and indoor plumbing.

Like Robinson Caruso

We have no comment here.

It's as primitive as can be

Well, it wasn't exactly primitive. But it certainly wasn't modern.

We been spending most our lives

Ezekiel had spent his whole life on a farm.

Living in an Amish paradise

He was almost Amish.

We're just plain and simple guys

Ezekiel was very simple. He had the necessities, and not much else.

Living in an Amish paradise

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

There's no time for sin and vice

Like we said, Ezekiel and his family were very strong Christians.

Living in an Amish paradise

He was almost Amish.

We don't fight, we all play nice

Ezekiel hardly had anyone to play with, so how could he be mean to others? And he wouldn't dare fight with his parents. They would kill him. Okay, not really.

Living in an Amish paradise

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter

Ezekiel had never hitched up a buggy before, but he certainly had experience when it came to churning butter.

Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anoder

Uh, well, Ezekiel had never raised a barn either.

Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?

Ezekiel and his family were very strong Christians.

Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art

In fact, he had memorized more Bible verses than anyone he knew, except for his father, of course.

I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like

All of the little kids at the church's Sunday School services looked up to Ezekiel. He was a hard worker, honest, and he had an awesome hat.

On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife

The kids were always at Ezekiel's heels, mimicking his every move, hoping to be just like him.

So don't be vain and don't be whiny

Ezekiel was taught that he should never complain or whine. It was childish and annoying.

Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie

In the cases that he did whine, however, his father whipped out the good 'ol belt and taught Ezekiel a lesson he'd never forget.

We been spending most our lives

Ezekiel had spent his whole life on a farm.

Living in an Amish paradise

He was almost Amish.

We're all crazy Mennonites

Living in an Amish paradise

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

There's no cops or traffic lights

There aren't many traffic lights or cops out in the country.

Living in an Amish paradise

He was almost Amish.

But you'd probably think it bites

Most people that Ezekiel met out of church thought that it must stink having to live the life he lived. But he was perfectly content. That is until, Total Drama Island happened…

Living in an Amish paradise

Ezekiel was almost Amish. Almost.

END


So, what do you guys think? I was listening to my iPod when I got the inspiration for this. I always thought of Ezekiel for some reason when I heard Amish Paradise.

Also, I'm not sure of many strong Christians are sexist. I haven't heard of one, but I guess there could be one. I better wrap things up here. XD Icee Suicune singing off!

R&R!!